Blood or behavior: which matters most?

Jerry’s family was so mean to him that he wanted to live thousands of miles away and have a secret identity so they could never find him.

Jerry couldn’t understand why they did what they did.  His parents would yell at him and at each other.  They’d make promises to him and then deny them.  They’d say they loved him and then they’d be relentlessly negative and critical.  The nicer he was, the meaner they became.

His brothers and sisters were manipulative and stirred up fights.  Everyone had secrets and trapped Jerry in the middle of the weird games they played.

Jerry always tried to reason with them but logic never helped.  They’d get angry and explode, or they’d get hurt feelings, cry and sucker Jerry into trying to make them feel good. They always had reasons and excuses for why they were so mean.  It was never their fault; someone else was always to blame for how nasty they were.

How can parents and family not care about you?
Jerry and his wife were at their wit’s end.  They couldn’t understand why his family was so mean.  They thought if they could understand, they could do something to make peace.  But nothing they did managed to change his family’s behavior.

They finally concluded that Jerry’s family members cared only about the feelings they had right at the moment.  They didn’t cared about acting consistency or keeping their words or about Jerry or about any standards of polite, kind, civilized behavior.  Jerry and his wife felt their flesh was being torn by hyenas.

On the other hand, Jerry and his wife had great friends.  They had fun with them and if there were any problems, they were handled above board and with no manipulation, lying, bullying or abuse.

“Family takes care of family no matter what.  Family comes first, no matter how rotten they are or how you feel.”
That was the rule Jerry had been raised under.  As long as Jerry kept that rule, he’d be at the mercy of his bullying family.  Jerry and his wife wanted to turn their backs on his family but he was stuck emotionally.

It would be a huge transition, turning away from a culture that had lasted thousands of years in order to turn toward the new way of being Jerry wanted.  He’d be pitting his personal vision against the many voices trying to drive or drag him back to the old ways.  He would have to be brave, determined and strong.  He’d have to become the hero of his own life.

“Good behavior counts more than bad blood.”
That was the rule Jerry wanted for the rest of his life.  He would never let anyone, even relatives, who behaved badly close to his family.  When his children were old enough to see what was going on and to see how Jerry’s family tormented their parents, Jerry finally had to confront, as an adult, his old family rule.  Did he want to spend his life stuck with the old rule or did he want to choose to live the rest of his life with his new rule?

Jerry decided his most important values were

• Setting the best example for his children about what environment to create for them.
• Protecting and defending his family from people, including his parents and relatives, who he saw as crazy or savages.

He would stake out his own way against the old ways.  Jerry’s wife was thrilled.  Since the problem was Jerry’s family, she felt she had to wait for him to act.  She didn’t want to be the lightning rod for his family’s attacks by putting Jerry in the middle.  She’d stand with him but he had to be willing to stand up first.

This decision opened Jerry and his wife’s hearts toward each other and ended the fights between them.  Now they had to figure out how to do it; how to disentangle themselves from all the tentacles that had been strangling them.  Simple and clear but not easy.

The best way to learn how to create the life and space you want is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and counseling so you can:

1. Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.
2. Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to deal with the specific situation you’re in.

Read my new ebook, “How to Stop Sneaky Bullies.”  Also, since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert coaching by phone or Skype.

Don't be a victim of experts

Sherry always wanted to do the right thing, to always be fair.  So she avidly followed the latest, supposedly-scientific research studies and the latest experts.  She asked everyone she knew for their opinions and even consulted psychics.

The result was that she never had any consistency; she was constantly changing direction.  She also felt duped when the latest study and the latest expert advice didn’t work or when her life and children were different from the normal people in the studies.

Mostly, Sherry felt scared and panicked.  She felt that disaster was just around the corner if she didn’t get everything just right.  She was riddled with negativity self-doubt, and had no self-esteem or confidence in her own judgment.  She hardly even knew her own judgment.  She had turned into a self-bully.

Sherry was a victim of experts.

Experts are all around us.  They want you to listen and they want you to believe that the latest studies give the right answers.  They want you to believe that you can’t figure things out yourself.

Don’t be a victim of supposedly-scientific studies and of experts.

Find someone who puts you in touch with your own experience, observations and accurate intuition.  Find someone who connects you with your strength, courage and determination.

The best way to learn how to stop being a victim of experts and supposedly-scientific studies is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and counseling so you can:

1. Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.
2. Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to deal with the specific situation you’re in.

Read my new ebook, “How to Stop Sneaky Bullies.”  Also, since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert coaching by phone or Skype.

Don't be a victim of psychoanalysis

June knew why she did all the things she did.  She’d been in analysis for 60 years and she could explain in excruciating detail what had happened so long ago that caused her to treat her husband and children the way she did.

She was mean, nasty and vindictive.  Verbally and emotionally, she was bullying and abusive. She was manipulative and controlling.  She would be sneaky and guilt-tripping to get her way or she would simply beat everyone into submission.   She was negative and disparaged them relentlessly.  They were worthless and she could show them why they would fail.

The only problem was that June never changed.  All that analysis, all those details, all the understanding, all those cause --> effect conclusions, all those brilliant explanations and insights, all that cathartic weeping and wailing never changed her behavior.

June insisted that if she simply knew more, understood more and went deeper, then she’d reach the bottom of her analysis and be cured.  Then she’d suddenly behave better.

Finally, June’s family gave up.  They got tired of explanations, reasons and excuses.  They got tired of being blamed to triggering her patterns.  They got tired of repeated apologies and broken promises.  They saw that what she said was merely justifications.  They stopped caring about why she bullied them and simply wanted her to stop.  They simply got tired of waiting for a miracle.  They left.

June was a victim of psychoanalysis.

June clung to the idea that if she knew more, understood more, got to the bottom of her motivations, then she’d instantly become cured and would behave like the loving wife and mother she said was her goal.  She clung to the idea that she didn’t have to change until she’d analyzed and understood everything.

She refused to accept that it doesn’t work that way.  All her answers to “why” questions didn’t change her behavior.  And she lost what she said was most important to her.  But evidently not.  What she kept were her old patterns and viciousness; her old analysis and reasons; her old way of thinking and acting.  Those were her “precious.”

The best way to learn how to stop being a victim of psychoanalysis or to stop someone who is, is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and counseling so you can:

1. Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.
2. Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to deal with the specific situation you’re in.

Read my new ebook, “How to Stop Sneaky Bullies.”  Also, since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert coaching by phone or Skype.

Being nice is not enough

Being nice is a wonderful trait but it’s not enough to survive and thrive in the real world.

Jane’s mother always said that being nice and being liked was the most important thing.  But by the time Jane was 30, she had a negative, controlling, abusive husband, a bullying boss and coworkers who were slackers and harassed her if she didn’t do most of their work.

One day she woke up with two startling thoughts:

• Maybe the problem wasn’t that she wasn’t nice enough to win them over to being nice to her.
• Maybe the problem was that she was being too nice and that being nice wasn’t a good strategy with some people.

That was the beginning of Jane’s development into a successful adult.  She saw that there were two kinds of people:

• Those who followed the Golden Rule and sought peaceful solutions and reconciliation.  These people she could allow into her inner circle and enjoy being with.
• Those who took her kindness as weakness, and who took whatever they wanted from her while making here feel weak, bad, ashamed and guilty.  Even if they were related by blood or marriage, she had to keep these people far away.  If fact, Jane realized that she didn’t want to be liked by those people.  In order to be liked by them, she’d have to give up control of her life and do things that violated her values, ethics or Sense of Self.

Jane’s old strategy to be nice was to avoid issues.  She’d withdraw and hope that when people calmed down they could simply be nice to each other.  She’d been trained by these bullies that if she brought things up, they’d blow, there’d be a confrontation and it was her fault.  She was being trained to be nice, docile and submissive, which was how they wanted her.

Jane now realized that her most important task was to protect and defend her personal space everywhere she went.  She could be nice as long as she was clear and firm when necessary.  This meant many life and people changes for Jane but, despite the difficulties she encountered at first, she loved the results.

Obviously the same ideas apply to stopping bullies of any kind: at school, with domineering friends, toxic parents or toxic adult-children.

There are also all the skills we need to learn in order to thrive: how to learn new things, how to communicate when there’s a problem or hurt feelings, how to make a living, how to do distasteful things that are really important (changing diapers, taking care of sick people, etc.).

The best way to learn how to protect and defend your personal space is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and counseling so you can:

1. Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.
2. Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to deal with the specific situation you’re in.

Read my new ebook, “How to Stop Sneaky Bullies.”  Also, since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert coaching by phone or Skype.

Stop Bullying: TV panel

For National Stop-Bullying Month, Dateline Aurora recorded a panel discussion on how to stop bullying in the community.  Moderated by Wendy Brockman, the panel included me, Bonnie Martinez, Dean of Students at Hinkley High School and Andrea Antico, author of “Buster the Bully.”

The program, to be run multiple times this month, can also be watched at: http://youtu.be/H5Ut1ttqCAk

We discussed how to stop bullies in school, at home and at work, as well as cyberbullying.  The Restorative Justice Program, and overt, sneaky and self-bullying were also mentioned.

The best way to learn how to stop bullies is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and counseling so you can:

1. Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.
2. Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to deal with the specific situation you’re in.

Also, since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert coaching by phone or Skype.

Sneaky bullies push our hot buttons

A common tactic of sneaky bullies in relationships and at work is to push our hot buttons.  After we’ve lost it, they can blame everything on us and manipulate us so we do what they want.

Also, kids are really good at pushing their parents’ hot buttons.  Whenever there’s a giant argument, with outrageous threats and punishments, they’ll smile secretly because they know they’ve won – this time or next time.

We all develop hot buttons.
Sneaky bullies are experts at recognizing our hot buttons.  Those are the places we’re really sensitive.  They can sense our fears, our past traumas, our pet peeves, our deepest yearnings.  Just like when we have a big black-and-blue bruise, sneaky bullies push the place really hard but with a perfectly innocent look on their faces.  Then they smile when we explode with pain.  Now they can blame and shame us, guilt-tripping us, sometimes off a subject we want to talk about, into doing what they want us to do or into accepting any punishment they want to dish out.  And it’s our fault because we exploded.

Back out of the melodrama.
Recognize the patterns; who and what pushes your triggers.  Of course, with help you can learn to catch yourself before you explode, but even at the beginning of your transformation, you can catch yourself in mid-fight and step down.  As an adult, you don’t need anger or pain to make your point or to get bullying behavior out of your life.  Don’t accept any consequences from the explosion.  Just start again.  Talk about whatever you wanted to talk about in the beginning.  Make whatever points you wanted to make before your button got pushed.

Keep on track; focus on the subject you want to.
The first subject of the conversation following sneaky bullying is, “Stop pushing my hot buttons or else.”  Laugh at attempts to divert you.  Accept no reasons, excuses or justifications for repeated pushing of hot buttons.  “Only kidding” or “you’re too sensitive,” doesn’t matter.  Your standards rule your personal space.  There must be an “or else” that you’re willing to carry out in order to get sneaky bullies out of your life.

Get rid of your hot buttons.
Ultimately, of course, part of personal development is to get rid of our hot buttons.  Hot buttons might have been good motivation when we were little kids and needed to be loud and out of control in order to get listened to and to protect ourselves.  But they’re not effective now that we’re adults.  We’re big enough now to get what we want and to protect ourselves without the explosions.  We can be firm, strong, brave and persistent without the pain, anger and explosions.

The best way to learn how to stop sneaky bullies and to get rid of hot buttons to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and counseling so you can:

1. Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.
2. Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to deal with the specific situation you’re in.

Read my new ebook, “How to Stop Sneaky Bullies.”  Also, since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert coaching by phone or Skype.

Bullied? Never give up hope!

No matter who’s bullying you, no matter how painful, no matter who won’t listen and help, no matter how hopeless the future seems, no matter how helpless you feel, never give up hope.

Hope keeps our spirits alive, hope keeps us fighting on, hope keeps our spirits strong until, miraculously, we can get free.  Hope is real.

Don’t believe them when they try to take your hope away.  Don’t believe them when they say you’re too dumb or ugly or weak or unlovable to get free and to survive and to thrive.  Don’t believe them when they say it’s your fault; you should feel guilt and shame.  Don’t believe them when they say it’s too hard.  They’re wrong.

Don’t believe yourself when that negative, bullying, abusive voice they tried to plant in your head tells you how bad you are or that you’re too weak to resist.  That voice is trying to protect you from further pain but it’s saying the wrong things.  Uproot that poison ivy.  It’s wrong.

Don’t be crushed.  You can overcome control and putdowns and bullying and abuse.  You can get the money and allies you need.  You can get free.  You can start a new life.  You can create a wonderful life.  Have hope.

You can become a different person.  You can learn to recognize the Early Warning Signs of bullies and stop or avoid them.  You can learn to protect and defend yourself.  You can get help.

History is not destiny.

The best way to create a wonderful life is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and counseling so you can:

1. Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.
2. Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to deal with the specific situation you’re in.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert coaching by phone or Skype.

Are bullies born bad?

I’m often asked if bullies are simply born bad.  Or do they learn to bully and what’s the best way to re-educate them.

With the exception of a very small percent of bullies who are born sociopaths or psychopaths, bullies, generally, are born just like the rest of us.  That is, most of us are born bullies.

Stage 1 – Bullying us into submission.
Babies have to bully parents to get out of bed at two in the morning and, with relatively good grace, feed them and change them.  And during the day, babies have to demand they get what they need immediately.  That kind of narcissism is survival.  And they do it by communicating the only way they can; by harassing and bullying us.  That’s normal human development and behavior.

Our job as good parents is to teach them, as they grow up, to use other methods.  Their criterion for what tactics to use is simply what works best to get them what they want.

Stage 2 – They learn to suck up to us.
We are all born to try many different approaches and to practice and master what works.  Babies need to learn that smiles and touches and coo-ing increase their chances of getting what they want.  We must give them more when they use this approach and give them less when they try beating us into submission.

On the other hand, beating them into submission is simply abuse.

Stage 3 – They learn to manipulate us by our values, reasons and logic.
A wise man, my brother Lee Leichtling, observed that kids learn to push our buttons in many different ways even then they’re infants.  They learn our values and our styles of reasoning, and the battles rage on.

I’ve presented this as if the stages are discrete and separate, and learned in a specific sequence.  But that’s not true.  Each individual kid will try all behaviors and simply keep repeating the ones that work.  Over time, we train them to use the styles that work better on us.

Kids live in a strange world populated by giants they need to train to serve them or they die of neglect.  They don’t know the language, but they do learn rapidly by trial and course-correction.

They learn how to train us.  Our job is to help them train us by giving them more of what they want when they manipulate us in the way we want.  For example, by using the magic words, “please, thank you, you’re welcome.”  And by negotiating and compromising so everyone can have a better time.

If you look at the world this way, things become clear and straightforward, even if they’re not easy.

How to tell if your kid is continuing down a bad path?
Are they still trying to beat you and the rest of the world into submission?  When they’re needy, upset, tired, sick or desperate, what do they do to get what they want?  These scientific observations of each unique kid also tell you what you need to teach – not by lecturing but by behavioral reinforcement with a smile.

What’s the best way to start re-educating bullies?
The first step is always to stop the behavior, whether the bullying is by kids or adults.  Remove the bully, not the target.  Make the bully adjust, not the victim.  Don’t allow the bullying to continue while you attempt to re-educate the perpetrator.

Only when bullying no longer gets rewarded and, in fact, gets consequences or punishments, will bullies be willing to consider learning strategies that don’t include negativity, harassment, bullying and abuse.

The best way to learn how to raise kids who don’t bully is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and counseling so you can:

1. Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.
2. Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to deal with the specific situation you’re in.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert coaching by phone or Skype.

Opinionated missionaries and zealots don't know best

Everyone was convinced they knew what was best for Amy and they always told her what to do.

Her father controlled her when she was growing up.  Her brother and sisters were certain they were right.  Their negativity restricted her life.  Her husband was a control-freak.  He knew what was best in everything and he criticized her relentlessly.  Eventually, her teenage children also told her she was incompetent and needed to give them what they wanted.  Even her friends gave their opinions in a way that showed they were sure they were right and she was dumb.

Amy hated herself and her life.  She felt harassed, bullied and abused.  She never trusted herself.  Her self-confidence and self-esteem were minimal.  She still had inklings about what she wanted to do and what was best for her but she never trusted herself.  She talked herself out of what she felt.

Some of those people had good intentions, some wanted to straighten her out for her own benefit, and some were simply passing along their fears, while others wanted to control her for their own reasons

How could she disagree with people who were so convinced they were right?
The breakthrough for Amy came when she realized that all those people were simply missionaries.  They didn’t think of themselves that way but their God was their own opinions.  They were zealots or mercenaries for what they though was right.

Their opinions told her about them; their opinions told her nothing about what was right or what was best for her.
Their certainty didn’t make their opinions true.  She’d never believe someone who told her they’d been taken up in a spaceship and had had 24 babies fathered by aliens.  No matter how convinced they were, that didn’t make it true or good or useful for her.

People were merely saying what they thought.  Their opinions told her how they thought, what they were afraid of and what they wanted.  Their opinions weren’t right or best and wouldn’t necessarily make her life better.  Their opinions were 100% about them.

Looking at them as missionaries, zealots or mercenaries for their own opinions helped Amy free herself.  She didn’t even feel guilt when she started going her own way.

The best way to learn how to trust yourself and to create the unique life you want is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and counseling so you can:

1. Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.
2. Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to deal with the specific situation you’re in.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert coaching by phone or Skype.

Stop parenting by relentless negativity, criticism

Suzie wanted the best for her kids.  She knew life would be competitive and dangerous, and she wanted her kids to know the rules they needed to follow in order to succeed and to be accepted by the best schools and the best people.  Consequently, she pointed out every mistake they made and corrected them every time they weren’t perfect.  The result was an endless stream of negativity and criticism.  But she’d never admit she was creating a problem; she was doing it for their own good.

Harry knew he was right in every aspect of life.  Verbally and physically, he was going to beat his kids into the shape he wanted.  They’d better listen or else.  Harry knew he was beating them into submission and he was proud of it.

Even though we might think the motives and styles of Suzie and Harry were different, the results on their poor kids were the same.  Relentless negativity and criticism had their typical effects.

The kids became anxious, terrified of the slightest mistakes and always searched for the rules they could follow to avoid the harassment, bullying and abuse.  They developed hunched shoulders and facial tics. They were afraid of trying new things or going into new situations.  They were crushed by any setbacks or failures.  Every mistake seemed a matter of life and death.  They became experts at self-bullying.  They’d been trained by parents who acted that way.

The kids wanted to be perfect but were psychological messes.  Since they proudly passed on negativity and criticism to their peers when they saw them making mistakes, they became isolated.  No one enjoys being beaten and their friends had a choice to leave.

Sophia, from “Modern Family,” captures a better way: “I’ll be the wind at my son’s back, not the spit in his face.”

The best way to learn how to parent effectively is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and counseling so you can:

1. Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.
2. Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to deal with the specific situation you’re in.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert coaching by phone or Skype.

Toxic adult children: 'Love' can be a trap

Sylvia’s daughter is simply rotten to her and her husband.  The girl is a 39 year-old woman but she still acts like a child.  She demands everything she wants, yells at Sylvia, blames all her problems on Sylvia, is never grateful for anything they give her, curses them and has even stolen money from Sylvia’s purse.

She comes by with no notice to drop her 3 year-old daughter on Sylvia, with no idea about how long she’ll need help.  If Sylvia objects, her daughter yells that Sylvia doesn’t love her granddaughter and will never see her again.  Sylvia loves her granddaughter but also likes to plan her time.

Sylvia’s daughter says if they love her they’ll always pay for what she needs, take care of her daughter whenever she needs, agree with her and support her decisions.
She’s always testing whether they love her enough.

Sylvia is fed up and wants to stop the negativity, abuse and bullying but Sylvia’s husband can’t bring himself to take any action.  He begs his daughter to listen but he always gives in when she doesn’t.  She’s his little girl and he’s responsible for making her happy.  He’s clear, “How can I say “No,’ when I love her?”

That’s the problem for Sylvia and her husband.  He thinks that love means giving his baby girl everything she wants to make her happy.  As long as he believes that, he’ll never change their dance of death.  And Sylvia will be forced to choose between giving up her life, fighting him to the death or divorcing him.

As long as we have to be the mommy or daddy who bails them out and is responsible for their happiness, they have to be the little children.
Which means they have to rebel and argue and make our lives miserable.  Which also means they can remain narcissistic, entitled, dependent, surly teenagers for the rest of their lives.

The more we do for them, the more they’ll blame us for everything, including finally kicking them out of the nest.
I’ve never seen the tactics used by Sylvia’s husband change these weak, narcissistic children.

Sylvia’s husband had to learn a more effective expression of “love.” And an updated version of his role as father to a woman who is almost 40.

When he learned that being a father meant he had to show her the effects of her child-like temper tantrums, had to set high behavioral standards fitting a grownup, had to make her pay the price of her actions, he and Sylvia were able to protect their lives from their toxic adult child.

He turned everything around when he insisted the he was now testing the woman his beloved, little girl had become.
It was now her job to make them happy if she wanted anything from them.

The best way to learn how to love effectively is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and counseling so you can:

1. Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.
2. Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to deal with the specific situation you’re in.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert coaching by phone or Skype.

Toxic adult step-child: Husband protects her

Lucy’s stepdaughter has hated her since they met when the girl was ten.  In the past 25 years, she’s blamed Lucy for all of the many bad decision she’s made, for every bit of bad luck and, in general, for everything when she feels bad or is angry.

Lucy tried everything to be a good adult friend when the girl was growing up and she’s made repeated attempts to befriend the girl since she’s been an adult.  But every attempt has been rebuffed.  Her stepdaughter has been negative, critical, verbally abusive and bullying toward Lucy.  She’s cursed Lucy regularly.  Therapy only seemed to give her approval for acting out her hostility and anger.

For the past 15 years, she’s treated her father the same way.  Although she’s taken his money, she’s never softened her approach.  She’s made his life miserable but he’s never acted on the consequences he’s threatened her with.  He’s tried every one of the nine methods that don’t stop relentless bullies…and they haven’t stopped his daughter.

The daughter was a toxic child and is now a toxic adult.

Except for that subject, Lucy’s marriage has been wonderful.  She and her husband have fun doing everything except dealing with this problem.  He’s never required his daughter to behave better.  When Lucy has finally lost her temper and said, “No more,” he’s tried to smooth everything over and always asks Lucy to be more tolerant.  After all, he says, “She’s still my sweet, little baby.  And it’s my fault I divorced her mother.  If we’re nice enough, she’ll come around and appreciate you.”

The truth is that the girl’s mother was crazy, abusive and an alcoholic.  After years of taking her abuse, Lucy’s husband finally divorced her and got custody of their daughter when she was five.  The girl was as out of control as her mother when she didn’t get everything she wanted.  Lucy’s husband has begged his daughter for the last 30 years to be polite and civil, but she’s always tried to argue him into submission or blackmail him emotionally into giving her everything she wanted at the moment.

The situation finally came to a head after the daughter got pregnant at age 33 and married the loser who’s the father of baby.  That guy wants Lucy’s step-daughter to go back to work to support him while he hangs out with his friends.  Or he’s willing to be supported by Lucy’s husband.  In a shouting match last week with Lucy, her stepdaughter shoved her and smacked her.  Then she did the same to her father and threated him that he’d never see his granddaughter unless he supported her and her husband, and got rid of Lucy.

Lucy’s husband said he doesn’t know what to do.  He hoped that if Lucy apologized for getting his daughter upset, she’d relent and let him see his granddaughter.

Lucy was finally adamant:

1. She had nothing to apologize for and his daughter had the apologizing to do.
2. They have just enough money for their own needs and can’t afford to support the couple.
3. She’s tired of the continued abuse and won’t see the girl or her rotten husband any more until they apologize and change.
4. She wanted her husband to demand good behavior from his daughter or no-contact even if that meant he wouldn’t get to see his granddaughter.  She wanted him to stop coddling his daughter and start treating her as an adult who has to be responsible for her words and actions.
5. She wanted her husband to start protecting her and the future they’ve dreamed of even if that costs him a relationship with a person who is toxic to him and his wife.

This was difficult for him.  Even after 30 years, He still felt guilty.  And, deep down he thought his daughter and her husband would go under if he didn’t give them everything they wanted.  He couldn’t see how to love his daughter while enforcing strong standards about behavior he simply won’t tolerate.  He had a life choice to make.  What kind of future did he want?

The best way to learn how to see clearly and to protect what’s most important to you is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and counseling so you can:

1. Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.
2. Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to deal with the specific situation you’re in.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert coaching by phone or Skype.

Toxic adult children: Husband won't protect you

Judy’s 42 year-old son is killing her with his negativity, criticism, verbal abuse and bullying.  He’s demanding and selfish, and never says “please” or “thank you” for her efforts.  He drains her energy and spirit each day.

Her husband had insisted they take him back in for a few months since he lost his job again, was divorced by his ex-wife and seemed lost.  But that was 19 months ago.

He stays out all night, sleeps ‘till 2 in the afternoon and then goes off with his friends.  He refuses to help out around the house since, he claims, “I’m an adult.  I don’t do kid chores.”  He has no income and when he’s spent all the money they give him, to fund his fun he steals money from Judy’s purse or forges her name on checks he cashes.

Judy is tired of doing his laundry, feeding him and cleaning up after him.  She sees their retirement funds being eaten by him and she feels oppressed by his presence in the house.  He won’t go to therapy and seems perfectly happy with his freedom from any responsibility.

Judy wants to kick him out of their nest, give him only a specific amount of money she thinks they could afford each month and make him fly on his own.  Even though her husband still has to work to support his son, instead of retiring like they planned, he won’t even talk about that approach.

What can Judy do?
Before talking about methods Judy might use to get her grown son out of the house, including using the law since he’s forged checks, Judy has to make some decisions for herself.

Does she think her son is mentally or emotionally disabled so he’ll never be able to take care of himself?  If so, she’d better plan for them to support him the rest of his life, even after they’re gone?  But her answer is emphatically “No.”

Thinking down the pathway that he needs to be on his own, Judy needs the courage, strength and determination to act, whether her husband likes it or not.  Otherwise, the rest of her life will be as barren as if a plague of locust had ravaged it.

But she couldn’t get the determination until she realized that she was beginning to hate her son and wishing he’d die in a freak accident.  Despite her guilt at thinking like that, her rage at that parasite pushed her over a threshold.  

Then, she had to decide how to tackle her husband’s resistance to acting or even allowing her to take matters into her own hands.  She knew her husband was avoiding the issue because he could see no solution that would enable him to take care of himself, his wife and his son, all at the same time.  Her husband was overwhelmed by compassion for their son, even though he could see twenty years of laziness and poor decisions that had gotten the boy to this point.  So all he did was hope for a miracle.  And he avoided the emotional pain by spending more and more time at work.

The solution Judy found was to confront her husband with the idea that he was responsible for protecting what was important to him.  Now he was faced with a horrible choice, but one he had to make: Protect his beloved wife from his bullying son, or protect his blood-sucking son from the consequences of his own actions, even though coddling his son would cost him his wife, his retirement and his hoped-for future.

The best way to learn how to see clearly and to protect what’s most important to you is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and counseling so you can:

1. Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.
2. Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to deal with the specific situation you’re in.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert coaching by phone or Skype.

'Compassion' and 'love' can be traps

Compassion, caring and love are wonderful attributes but when you’re faced with relentless, sneaky, manipulative, covert bullies, they can be traps.

Jane’s mother had been a toxic, abusive, bully all Jane’s life.  Now she wanted Jane to leave her life, move in with her and take care of her full time.  All her demands, reasons, excuses and justifications could be summed up in one phrase: “If you were compassionate, you’d do what I want.”

Alice’s 39 year-old son had always felt entitled to everything she had.  He’d been demanding, sarcastic and critical, and had harassed Alice until she gave him what he wanted.  Now he’d been fired from his latest job and had insisted on moving back in with her again so she could take care of him.  She should use her retirement funds to pay for his fun.  All his demands, reasons, excuses and justifications could be summed up in one phrase: “If you loved me, you’d do what I want.”

When specific behaviors are required to prove ‘compassion’ and ‘love,’ those words become traps.
At first, Jane and Alice were overwhelmed with guilt.  How could they say, “No,” and still think of themselves as caring, compassionate and loving people?  As part of a pattern of coercion and bullying, compassion and love require that you do what the bully wants.  You are required to use the nine strategies that do not stop bullies – accept, overlook, give in, minimize, martyr, forgive, forget, etc.

How about their compassion and love for you and the life you want to create?
Narcissistic bullies don’t value you; they’re the ones who matter most.  Their wants and needs, their desires and whims are more important than what you want.

You can have compassion and love for bullies’ spirits, while you deal with their personalities.
You can pray for people, especially from a distance, while you keep their personalities away from you.  Don’t let bullies take everything you have, mistreat you and your children, or destroy the wonderful future you’re trying to create.

There’s a potent line from “Fiddler on the Roof.”  The Rabbi is asked, “Is there a blessing for the Czar?”  He replies, “There’s a blessing for everyone.  May God bless and keep the Czar…far away from us.”

Being free from the old rules about what compassion and love require you to do, frees you to choose from a wide range of possible actions.
Both Jane and Alice chose to love the bullies from a distance and to protect the lives they loved from destruction by predators in the name of compassion and love.

Compassion is not about what to do, it’s about how to do it.
Both Jane and Alice were compassionate and loving while the set the boundaries they needed.

The best way to learn how to set boundaries compassionately and lovingly is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and counseling so you can:

1. Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.
2. Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to deal with the specific situation you’re in.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert coaching by phone or Skype.

Toxic Adult Children: Choose Your Life

Mary’s 37 year-old son was nasty, demeaning and critical of everything she did.  He harassed, bullied and abused her.  He was toxic.  And she’d allowed him to move back home.

He was bright but, since high school, nothing ever pleased him for long and he’d never succeeded at anything.  He’d changed colleges four times before he graduated.  He refused to stay at his first three jobs.  He had tried two vocational programs before he dropped out of them.

Mary and her husband had paid for all of these efforts as well as for his apartments, cars, insurance and food.  Mary’s son was too busy and too unhappy to support himself.  Now his demands had escalated and paying his expenses was eating into their retirement funds.

After the last failure, he had nowhere to go so Mary and her husband had allowed him to move back in with them.  While her son was civil to his father, he was enraged with Mary.  According to him, all his problems were her fault so he felt justified in treating her anyway he wanted at the moment. Which was almost always demanding and vicious.

Mary knew she and her husband hadn’t done anything wrong to their son except maybe to give him too much of what he wanted and excuse all his bad behavior before he left for college.  She was stuck between hating him and wanting him out, and hoping that with one more chance, he’d finally succeed and become nice to her.

She finally asked herself a sequence of questions:

1. Was her son physically or mentally incapable of making a living and being independent?  Her answer was “No.”  He was still physically able, still bright and still capable of doing anything he wanted when it suited him.  He was simply selfish and narcissistic, and felt entitled to be taken care of so he could do what he whatever wanted all day.
2. If he continued the way he was, would she begin to hate his behavior and would her life become thwarted and impoverished?  Her answer was “Yes.”  She’d always love him but she was already disliking his actions.  If the pattern continued, her future would become dark and dreary.  She’d look forward to dying in order to get out the problem.
3. Should she allow him to continue acting the way he did while she paid for therapy?  She’d already paid for years of therapy he hated and which seemed to give no changes.  He kept blaming his parents and took no responsibility for his own behavior or for his future.  She was done with that approach.
4. Did she want to continue being a martyr, sacrificing her and her husband’s lives, or did she want to kick him out of the nest?  Of course, she’d have to deal with his recriminations and her guilt but, at least, she and her husband could enjoy the future they’d planned.

I’ve seen many situations like Mary’s and there has been only one method that I’ve seen change the way those toxic, adult children behave.  The way of giving them one more chance, forever, never succeeds.  Kicking them out of the nest often does.

Mary’s son is not an alcoholic or addict yet.   He hasn’t gotten sick or hurt himself so badly that he’s disabled and requires their care, yet.  Those are good signs.  But if she keeps helping him, the chances are he’ll descend lower and lower in order to keep getting a free ride.

Each situation is unique; everyone’s decision is different.  Mary decided to choose the life she wanted to live for the next 30 years, given that she’d probably never have a good relationship with her son nor grandchildren to play with.

She’d kick her little bird out of the nest.  She’d pay his rent directly to a landlord and give him a certain allowance each month for two years as long as he moved across the country, away from them.  That way she could easily avoid communicating with him if he became abusive.

She’d stop paying immediately if he became too toxic to her.  At the end of two years she’d stop paying.  If he got sick or became addicted, he was on his own.

The best way to learn how to deal with toxic, adult children is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and counseling so you can:

1. Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.
2. Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to deal with the specific situation you’re in.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert coaching by phone or Skype.

Accept responsibility only when you have authority

John knew his manager was jealous of him and had been out to get him for a long time.  But when the manager assigned John’s team a prestigious and difficult task, John figured his boss had relented and was making a peace offering.  John would be in the spotlight.  He’d have a chance to shine.

John immediately and eagerly accepted the challenge.  As it turned out, that was a mistake. John should have been more wary.  He should have stopped to specify the parameters of the project before agreeing to take the assignment.

After the company announced John was in charge of the new project, calls came from important people congratulating him on getting this high-profile responsibility.

Then strange things began to happen.

To read the rest of this article from the Nashville Business Journal, see:
Survival Strategy: Accept responsibility only when you have authority

John’s manager laid the groundwork for John to fail.  His negativity, harassment and demeaning actions undercut John’s effectiveness and his team’s chances of success.

There are two major lessons for John. The first one: Never accept a gift from an enemy.  Just ask the Trojans about that wooden horse they accepted from the Greeks.

The second lesson for John: Accept responsibility and accountability only when you have authority.

The traps John fell for started with accepting responsibility and accountability without the necessary authority or decision-making power.  It wasn’t fair.  But “unfair” as a defense won’t save you.  The world still operates the way it always has.  You must protect yourself by recognizing hidden agendas and by following a few simple guidelines:

1. Never accept a gift from an enemy.
2. Never accept responsibility and accountability unless you have authority.
3. Never let unfair attacks by your enemies go unanswered.  It’s important to defend yourself.  Think tactically, get allies to help you and document what’s happening.

The best way to learn how to recognize and stop bullies who are out to get you is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and organizational consulting to create a workplace culture you want.

Design and implement an effective plan that eliminates the high cost of low attitudes.  To get the help you need, call Ben at 1-877-828-5543.

A Hero's journey to be free from toxic parents

Sean had a problem: parents who were still toxic even after Sean became financial and physically independent

Sean was mid-40s, happily married and with a great job that allowed her the flexibility to work and still be there for her three children.  Nevertheless here parents were still vocal and insistent about their disapproval of every detail of her life.  They still tried to force her to do what they wanted.  Now they demanded money from Sean because they couldn’t afford to live the way they wanted and still preserve their retirement funds for later.

Sean had always said, “Why me?”
She certainly hadn’t done anything to deserve such parents and such treatment.  She’d always felt persecuted; afraid to venture much because she was always looking over her shoulder waiting for the next blow, the next in a seemingly endless succession of negativity, harassment, abuse and bullying.

Sean was immediately freed when she started seeing her life in a different way.
When she saw her life as a heroic struggle to be free of oppression, she immediately felt a surge of strength and determination.  She’d never let herself be defeated.  Previously she’d thought of heroes as men, far off somewhere fighting enemies or slaying dragons.  But now she realized that her life-threatening challenge was to free herself from the attacks by her parents, who seemed never to give up.

Actually, Sean saw that she’d already struggled heroically to free herself in three very important ways.  She’d become physically and financially independent.  She’d married the man she wanted, despite her parents’ objections, and it had been a wise choice.  She and her husband were very happy about the way they were raising their children and the kids were wonderful – despite her parents’ predictions.

She’d already succeeded in what she saw as the first great struggle to create the live she wanted.
Now she faced the second great challenge on her heroic path.

She was being called upon to be even more brave and strong than before.  She felt herself irresistibly drawn to making a very clear and firm boundary for the second half of her life.  The next heroic step for her was to tell her parents to butt out or be gone from her family’s life.  Either they stopping being nasty or Sean would not allow them to get close.

She’d have to become the protector of her own kingdom and not let any dragons in – even or especially her parents.

The best way to learn how to fulfill your heroic potential and destiny is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and counseling so you can:

1. Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.
2. Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to overcome the great challenges you face.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert coaching by phone or Skype.

Toxic parents? Stop revolving around them.

If you have toxic parents, remove them from the center of your solar system; stop revolving around them.

I’ve discussed toxic parents in some recent blog articles:

• “Leaving toxic parents and enabling family.”
• “Leave toxic parents; create a home for your heart and spirit.”

We grow up revolving around our parents.  They are like the sun around which we orbit.  We get what we need and want from them.  We endure their narcissism, manipulation, control, bullying and abuse.  We endure blame, shame and guilt.  They beat us into shape on the anvil of daily life.  We learn how to be people from them.

We want them to love us.  We struggle to bribe them or change them so they’ll be nice to us.

We love them and we hate them.

Getting away from them physically is not enough.
We finally leave and struggle to be independent physically and financially.  That means we go to school, get jobs, get married – in some combination and sequence.  But we still carry them in our heads and hearts; we still love them and hate them.  We still revolve around them mentally and emotionally, dancing between acceptance and rejection, forgiveness and guilt, love and hate.  We still pay attention to them.

To be truly free, leave home mentally, emotionally and spiritually.
To travel, unencumbered by them, into the second half of our lives, we need to remove them from the center of our solar system and cast them far away into the outer universe.  Maybe into a black hole.  Then they can take their rightful place in our world – far away, about the size of one pixel, insignificant; out of sight and out of mind.

Then we can be free from post-traumatic stress.  Then we’re free to pay attention to our own lives and put 100% of our energy into making it wonderful.

Toxic parents stole the first half of your life, don’t let them suck the blood out of the second half.

The best way to learn how to stop revolving around toxic parents is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and counseling so you can:

1. Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.
2. Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to get toxic polluters out of your inner life so you have space for the wonderful people who will want to be with you.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert coaching by phone or Skype.

How to Stop Bullies in Their Tracks, 2nd Edition

“How to Stop Bullies in Their Tracks, 2nd Edition” is finally published in softcover and also in a Kindle edition.

You can find the soft cover here.

The Kindle version can be found here.

Stop bullying and toxic relationships at home and at work.  Stop controllers, critics, relentless arguers, exploders, manipulators, narcissists, perfectionists, abusers, passive-aggressives, emotional intimidators and self-bullying

How to Stop Bullies in Their Tracks, Second Edition, will show you how to apply lessons from 20 case studies to end bullying in your personal life and at work.

• Early warning signs of overt and sneaky bullies.
• Nine ineffective approaches you should stop using.
• The three strategies that will be successful.
• A five-step process to thwart the most determined bullies.
• Stop self-bullying before it destroys your life.
• How to protect your personal ecology.

If you:

• Live in frustrating, painful, toxic, hostile relationships or a marriage full of drudgery and pain.
• Get worn down by passive aggressive manipulation, negativity, criticism, harassment, control, emotional intimidation, endless arguing, bullying or abuse.
• Suffer in silence – watching yourself or your spouse, your children or friends get bullied.
• Can’t protect yourself from bullying bosses or co-workers.
• Try to be sweet and nice, reasonable and understanding, people pleasing and serving others, and still get bullied.

This book is for you!

These case studies demonstrate methods that will help you take power and stop bullies in any situation in personal life, at school and at work.  Learn how to:

• Recognize and stop sneaky bullies in any relationship – on first dates or even if you are married with children; with toxic parents, toxic adult children or narcissistic friends; at work and at school.
• Set effective boundaries so you can get treated like you want.
• Have the loving, long-term relationships and friendships you desire.
• Create a bully-free environment.

Go beyond magical thinking – searching for a technique that will work instantly, easily and last forever.  With this book you can learn real-world methods to:

• Change your mind-set.
• Build character, courage and skill.
• Stop bullying spouses, dates, parents, children, relatives and friends.
• Stop bullying bosses and co-workers.

The best way to learn how to stop bullies in their tracks is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and counseling so you can:

1. Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.
2. Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to get toxic polluters out of your life so you have space for the wonderful people who will want to be with you.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert coaching by phone or Skype.

Leave toxic parents; create a home for your heart and spirit

In my last article, “Leaving toxic parents and enabling family,” I described Lucy’s abusive, bullying mother and enabling family.  When Lucy’s daughter was threatened, Lucy finally felt compelled to act.  Protecting her daughter was more important than protecting her mother from the consequences of her negativity, criticism and sarcasm.

Lucy had never been able to change her mother’s behavior because she’d always tried to educate her mother.
Lucy had hoped that if she only explained rationally, logically and appropriately enough, her mother would see what she was doing and become the mother Lucy had always wanted.  But the problem was not that Lucy’s mother was ignorant.  It really doesn’t matter whether Lucy’s mother recognized the harm she was doing or not; whether Lucy’s mother thought she was only trying to help Lucy and her daughter; whether Lucy’s mother was blind or misguided or uncaring or crazy.  The answers to those questions won’t help her.

The only thing that matters is that Lucy act to protect the wonderful future she’d created.  Against all attackers, Lucy must protect her children and the life she and her husband loved.

Lucy had the wrong goal: Change her mother’s attitudes so her mother would act nicer.
We have a word for arguing, debating and demanding change but not having real and effective consequences.  Those actions are called, “Begging.”  But Lucy’s mother had never changed when she was begged.

Lucy’s only hope of changing her mother’s behavior was to have strong consequences leading up to “Zero tolerance” and “No contact” if necessary.

If Lucy’s mother never changed, Lucy would still have achieved her real goal: Creating a wonderful environment, free from toxic polluters.

Lucy saw herself as a brave and strong immigrant, travelling to the wonderful future she wanted to create.
When Lucy saw herself as leaving the old country and its culture, and sailing off to her new land and chosen culture, she felt freed from a dark prison of old guilt and rules.  Now she was courageous and strong enough to persevere.  The future she wanted for her family was more important than the blood ties that had scarred her and were now wounding her daughter.  She hoped her mother and the rest of the family would change, but if they didn’t, they couldn’t get into the sacred space she was creating and protecting.

She was eager to be the steward of her new land; protecting and preserving it for the next generations.  She wanted to be a model for her children.

Now Lucy would have to find and create the family of her heart and spirit that she’d always thirsted for.
We often cling to the initial family of our bodies because we know that when we need help desperately, they’ll come no matter how difficult.  It’s scary to let go of that life preserver.

Lucy and her husband saw that they needed to make a new family; one of their choosing; one that would support their hearts and spirits.  And one that would be there when needed, no matter the difficulty.

But suppose Lucy’s values and priorities are wrong?
We never know how life will turn out.  Our only choice is how to live it.  Lucy chose to follow her heart and spirit.  Lucy chose to follow her joy.

The best way to learn how to begin creating a family of your heart and spirit is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and counseling so you can:

1. Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.
2. Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to get toxic polluters out of your life so you have space for the wonderful people who will want to be with you.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert coaching by phone or Skype.