When Vera’s (fictitious name) son was in high school, he started blaming Vera for all his problems. He was negative, critical, sarcastic, and demeaning. He yelled and cursed at her in private and in public. Nothing she ever gave him or did for him was good enough; she was the worst mother ever. The older he got, the more demanding he got. By the time he was 35, he was threatening that she’d never see his children unless she begged his forgiveness and gave him all the money he wanted. And took all his verbal beatings.
He complained and bad-mouthed her, and told lies to all the extended family in order to try to create minions or flying monkeys.
In short, he was greedy, selfish, entitled; he was bullying, abusive and a narcissist. He was toxic to her happiness and well-being.
Vera’s family and friends told her she just had to accept him as he was.
Since her son was so convinced of his righteousness, she must have done something wrong to make him so angry. If she wouldn’t accept how her adult son treated her, she was vindictive, selfish and a grudge-holder. They told her that was just the way her son was and, as a mother, she should just accept him and be the better person.
They had the wrong meaning for the word “accept.”
For them, “accept” meant to put up with, tolerate and overlook his behavior, ignore her own hurt and pain, give up her own sense of truth and accuracy, stop being a person with her own boundaries and sense of dignity, be a martyr, it was her lot in life.
But something in Vera would not accept that view or that treatment. As much as she questioned herself, something in her rebelled. She was worth more than being treated like that. She simply wouldn’t accept it.
A better meaning of the word “accept.”
The hardest part for Vera was to accept the reality of her son’s mean and cruel actions towards her. And to accept that he had radically changed from a person who once loved her to a person who now got most of his pleasure hating her and who was addicted to being mean and cruel. It was like his body had been taken over by aliens. Or he had turned to the dark side.
When she accepted that she hadn’t done anything really bad to him, she could let go of her guilt, self-blame and self-bullying.
Vera also had to accept (trust) her accurate estimation of what he had done to her for years, and what he was likely to do in the future. She also had to accept that she could never change him.
After accepting those bitter pills, she had to decide what she wanted to do about his abusive treatment of her.
Vera decided that if she accepted his bullying behavior, and forgave and forgot, she would just be giving him permission to start tormenting her all over again. He would never have to try to change his ways. She decided she would not put herself in harm’s way for an illusion, a lie called “family” or “love” or “being a bigger person.” Her son’s way of doing family hurt her tremendously. That was not the family or love she wanted.
She told him and the rest of the extended family she was more hurt and offended than he was. She had zero percent of the blame for his treatment of her, he had one hundred percent of the blame. Before she’d accept him in her life, he would have to make public amends and change his behavior toward her. She’d also judge everyone else in the family by what they allowed him to say about her or do to her. She was going to be more stubborn in support of good values and good treatment of people than he was in support of his hatred and acting out. They’d better start telling him that he needed to change and become the bigger person.
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