BulliesBeGone.com in Top 20 Bullying Blogs

We’ve been selected #6 in Top 20 Bullying Blogs by Anuj Agarwal, founder of Feedspot, and his panel.

You can see the whole list at http://blog.feedspot.com/bullying_blogs/.

We’re honored to be first on the list that’s not an organization – government, educational, collections of posts.

We focus on counseling, coaching and consulting to individuals and organizations to stop hostility, intimidation, abuse and bullying by toxic, narcissistic individuals and groups at home, in relationships and personal life, in schools and in the workplace.

Create bully-free relationships with spouses, partners, children, teens, friends, parents, bosses, co-workers and employees.

Overcome fear, hesitation, shame and guilt.  Get rid of old beliefs, attitudes, rules and roles.

Stop wishing for your problems to go away.  Instead, take effective action.

Of course, there are many complications depending on your situation.  The best way to learn how to take power in your life and to be the person you want to be is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and counseling so you can:

1. Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.
2. Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to create the life your spirit has always hungered for.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert counseling and coaching by phone or Skype.

Kindle Book - "Parenting Bully-Proof Kids: How to Stop School Bullies," 2nd edition

“Parenting Bully-Proof Kids: How to Stop School Bullies,” 2nd edition, is finally published as a Kindle Edition.  It’s a companion book to “How to Stop Bullies in Their Tracks” – 2nd edition

You can find it at: http://www.amazon.com/dp/B00VDF8JA4

These books and some counseling and coaching will show you how to guide your children and teenagers to live a bully-free life. Six case studies will teach you how to help them deal with:

• Taunting, teasing and fighting.
• A venomous Queen Bee.
• A manipulative control-freak who pretends to be a friend.
• Emotional blackmail.
• School administrators (do-nothing principals)
• The most important decision for teenagers.
• Self-bullying.

Your children and teens need your guidance in order to learn how to succeed in the real world. Of course, we want all schools to prevent bullying. But that’s not going to happen soon enough for us. Your children and teens will face:

• Physical violence, verbal abuse and emotional intimidation.
• Anger, hate, harassment and hazing.
• Name-calling, putdowns, two-faced friends, condescending and scornful cliques, and ostracism.
• Peer pressure and destructive media influences.
• Cyber-bullies.

Before your children can learn anti-bullying skills and be effective in stopping bullies, they need to develop the internal courage, strength, determination and endurance to succeed. You can learn how to:

• Recognize the signs that your children are being bullied physically, mentally and emotionally, face-to-face or online. Get your children to tell you the truth even when they don’t want to. And when your children desperately need your help even though they may not want it.
• Use peaceful methods (understanding, tolerating, logic, reasoning, forgiveness) as wonderful first steps. Sometimes they stop mild bullying. But your children and teens will need firmer, stronger methods to stop relentless, determined bullies. Recognize when you should intervene or when you should guide your children to stop bullies by themselves.
• Get evidence that will strengthen your case, even if school administrators don’t want to help. Don’t let do-nothing principals turn your children into victims.
• Help your children develop the strength, courage, will and determination they need to face a world that’s vastly different from the one you grew up in. Become a parent who can help your children be strong and self-disciplined enough so bullies won’t attack them.
• Help your children resist feelings of isolation and helplessness, overcome depression and suicidal thoughts, and increase their confidence and self-esteem. Help them develop a plan and master the skills they need to defend themselves.

School administrators are often reluctant to get involved in protecting targets of bullying. Some even protect the bullies. Lazy, cowardly or incompetent school officials are part of the problem that converts targeted kids into victims and suicides. Don’t let politeness, naivety or ignorance keep you from protecting your children. Rarely is bullying an isolated incident. Usually, bullying is a pervasive pattern because bullies know they have the real power and immunity at school.

Good parenting also requires you to teach your children how to succeed in the adult world at work and in their adult relationships with husbands, wives, partners, brothers, sisters, relatives, friends and neighbors.

The best way to learn how to parent bully-proof kids is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and counseling so you and your children can:

1. Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.
2. Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to create the bully-free life your spirit has always hungered for.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert coaching by phone or Skype.

"The Bully Business" is wrong

“The Bully Business,” in The Atlantic, by Cevin Solving is absolutely wrong.

Solving uses inappropriate analogies, like stopping head injury to boxers is the same as stopping bullies in schools.  And his underlying assumption about how to stop bullying in schools, shared by many people, is that we should find out why kids bully, give bullies what they want and then they’ll stop bullying.  His culprit is that schools control bullies too much; bullies don’t have enough freedom so they turn to abusing their peers.  He focuses on the wrong people; the bullies instead of focusing on the targets of harassment and violence.

The beginning of the solution is to protect targets and stop bullies.
Solving doesn’t consider this first step.  He assumes bullies are nice people and if they weren’t thwarted they wouldn’t turn to bullying to get what they want.  Evidently he doesn’t like the analogy with the kids in “Lord of the Flies” and all the rest of human history which shows that not all people are born nice, kindly and virtuous, and that civility must be taught and reinforced.

Principals, counselors, teachers and staff have a primary responsibility of protecting targets by stopping bullies and removing them.  Then education and socialization can begin.

Bullies must learn that their tactics don’t get them what they want.
My experience has been that an essential step in bullies’ education is when they learn that they get into more trouble if they continue bullying.  Then many become interested in learning other ways of acting.

The ones who resist this learning, the ones who continue bullying and who get more violent are not the kids to whom we want to give more freedom and latitude.  They are the ones who need to be removed faster.

First, protect the targets, the try to rehabilitate the perpetrators.

The best way to learn how to parent bully-proof kids and to develop a program to stop school bullying is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and counseling so you can:
1. Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.
2. Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to create the life your spirit has always hungered for.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert coaching by phone or Skype.

Test: Who are the bullies?

When I go into a workplace to train or consult, I ask: “Who are the bullies?”  If people say, “We don’t know” or “We haven’t had any ever,” they’re probably in trouble.

When I talk with principals, counselors and teachers in a school, I ask, “Who are the bullies and where in the school do they bully?”  If the answer is, “We don’t know” or “We’ve never had any,” they’re probably in trouble.

When I counsel or coach people about their personal and family lives, I ask, “Who are the bullies and what have you done about it?”  If the answer is, “There are no bullies in our extended family” or “It’s not so bad” or “That’s just the way they are,” I know they’re in trouble.  They’re probably minimizing or excusing the behavior and damage, or covering it up (family secrets).

In any group of about 30 people, there’s at least one person who uses bullying tactics.  Often, that bully has created a clique or mob.  In addition to my experience, there are even studies showing that.

Some people are aghast that I ask those questions.  They say, “Won’t the label stigmatize those people?”  Of course, the answer is that they are already stigmatized.  Everyone knows who the bullies are.

Also stigmatized already are the supposed responsible authorities who ignore, condone or even encourage harassment, negativity, bullying and abuse.  Everyone know who allows bullying to continue, who gives bullies space and power to do their worst.

The first step to protect the targets is to expose and label bullying behavior and the perpetrators and predators.  The second step is to change the situation.

The best way to learn how to create a bully-free environment is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and counseling so you can:

1. Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.
2. Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to create the life your spirit has always hungered for.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert coaching by phone or Skype.

3 Rs: Life lessons to stop bullies

Bullies in relationships and at work try to convince you that you’re too weak or unskilled to resist them: They’ll win in the end.  They’re more determined, nasty, sneaky.  They want you to feel hopeless, helpless.  They want your logic and reason to convince you that resistance is futile.

Kids can convince themselves to give up.  It’s not worth the effort since the deck is stacked against them.  Life is too hard, they’re too weak or defective, people are too nasty.

The effective response in both cases, the keys to success are the 3 Rs:

1. Have resolve.
2. Be resilient.
3. Act relentlessly.

Those qualities are the engine we all need.

If we don’t have these qualities, we can’t make use of any help that’s offered.  We give in, we give up.  Even if we have a great plan, we don’t have the will and grit to carry it out successfully.  Failure is guaranteed.

If we have these qualities, we grab onto help that’s offered.  We keep trying.  We create surprises.  We can get lucky.  We can attract allies.  We can succeed against negativity, bullies and abuse.  We can succeed in life.

The best way to learn how to create the life your spirit wants is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and counseling so you can:

1. Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.
2. Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to create the bully-free life your spirit has always hungered for.

Read case study #6 in “How to Parent Bully-Proof Kids.”  Also, read my new Kindle book, “How to Stop Sneaky Bullies.”  Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert coaching by phone or Skype.

Stop Bullying: TV panel

For National Stop-Bullying Month, Dateline Aurora recorded a panel discussion on how to stop bullying in the community.  Moderated by Wendy Brockman, the panel included me, Bonnie Martinez, Dean of Students at Hinkley High School and Andrea Antico, author of “Buster the Bully.”

The program, to be run multiple times this month, can also be watched at: http://youtu.be/H5Ut1ttqCAk

We discussed how to stop bullies in school, at home and at work, as well as cyberbullying.  The Restorative Justice Program, and overt, sneaky and self-bullying were also mentioned.

The best way to learn how to stop bullies is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and counseling so you can:

1. Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.
2. Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to deal with the specific situation you’re in.

Also, since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert coaching by phone or Skype.

Are bullies born bad?

I’m often asked if bullies are simply born bad.  Or do they learn to bully and what’s the best way to re-educate them.

With the exception of a very small percent of bullies who are born sociopaths or psychopaths, bullies, generally, are born just like the rest of us.  That is, most of us are born bullies.

Stage 1 – Bullying us into submission.
Babies have to bully parents to get out of bed at two in the morning and, with relatively good grace, feed them and change them.  And during the day, babies have to demand they get what they need immediately.  That kind of narcissism is survival.  And they do it by communicating the only way they can; by harassing and bullying us.  That’s normal human development and behavior.

Our job as good parents is to teach them, as they grow up, to use other methods.  Their criterion for what tactics to use is simply what works best to get them what they want.

Stage 2 – They learn to suck up to us.
We are all born to try many different approaches and to practice and master what works.  Babies need to learn that smiles and touches and coo-ing increase their chances of getting what they want.  We must give them more when they use this approach and give them less when they try beating us into submission.

On the other hand, beating them into submission is simply abuse.

Stage 3 – They learn to manipulate us by our values, reasons and logic.
A wise man, my brother Lee Leichtling, observed that kids learn to push our buttons in many different ways even then they’re infants.  They learn our values and our styles of reasoning, and the battles rage on.

I’ve presented this as if the stages are discrete and separate, and learned in a specific sequence.  But that’s not true.  Each individual kid will try all behaviors and simply keep repeating the ones that work.  Over time, we train them to use the styles that work better on us.

Kids live in a strange world populated by giants they need to train to serve them or they die of neglect.  They don’t know the language, but they do learn rapidly by trial and course-correction.

They learn how to train us.  Our job is to help them train us by giving them more of what they want when they manipulate us in the way we want.  For example, by using the magic words, “please, thank you, you’re welcome.”  And by negotiating and compromising so everyone can have a better time.

If you look at the world this way, things become clear and straightforward, even if they’re not easy.

How to tell if your kid is continuing down a bad path?
Are they still trying to beat you and the rest of the world into submission?  When they’re needy, upset, tired, sick or desperate, what do they do to get what they want?  These scientific observations of each unique kid also tell you what you need to teach – not by lecturing but by behavioral reinforcement with a smile.

What’s the best way to start re-educating bullies?
The first step is always to stop the behavior, whether the bullying is by kids or adults.  Remove the bully, not the target.  Make the bully adjust, not the victim.  Don’t allow the bullying to continue while you attempt to re-educate the perpetrator.

Only when bullying no longer gets rewarded and, in fact, gets consequences or punishments, will bullies be willing to consider learning strategies that don’t include negativity, harassment, bullying and abuse.

The best way to learn how to raise kids who don’t bully is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and counseling so you can:

1. Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.
2. Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to deal with the specific situation you’re in.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert coaching by phone or Skype.

Who's to blame for sexting?

In a Wall Street Journal article, “Blame parents, not kids, for sexting,” Leonard Sax exonerates teenage girls for sexting, teenage boys for pressuring girls to expose themselves, teenagers who post the photos and kids who harass and abuse the exposed girls.  He gives them a free pass because, “They’re just kids.”  He blames only incompetent parents.

This is nonsense.

1. It’s based on the idea that he can point the finger at only one party in a whole situation, and then, having affixed guilt and shame, tell them how to straighten out.  There’s much more blame to go around and it depends on each individual situation.
2. I blame boys who harass and bully the girls into exposing themselves.  I blame girls who relent and expose themselves.  I blame boys and girls who post these photos.  I blame kids who pile on and harass and abuse the exposed girl.  Does Dr. Sax really think that 11-12 year-olds don’t know the consequences of sexting?  Does he really think this kind of pressuring and exposure is new, even though the technology to expose wider and faster and forever is new?  Does he really think kids don’t have free will and knowledge about the possible consequences?
3. I blame parents who don’t educate their kids on the dangers of sexting or of posting photos that can open someone up to attack.  I blame parents who have allowed their kids to think that because someone didn’t intend to do something stupid or wrong, it doesn’t count.

Obviously, I think that each party bears the burden of doing better.

Statistics don’t really matter.  What’s important is what you are doing or not doing in your individual family.  Are you giving in to every demand of your children?  Are you not monitoring and imposing consequences?  Do you think your kids will be damaged if they don’t keep up socially or sexually with the other kids?

To kids, I say, “When are you going to transition from feeling tested to please other kids and to fit in, to testing other kids and deciding who you want to keep in your world?”  Do you think you can control everything on a phone or in cyberspace?

These kind of mistakes and exposures have been around as long as we have recorded history.  This is nothing new.

The best way to stop sexting, posting and sharing, and to help your family deal with bullying is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and consulting so you can:

1. Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.
2. Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to create the bully-free life your spirit has always hungered for.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert coaching by phone or Skype.

Do-Nothing school administrators and shootings at Arapahoe High School

Beware of school officials who say, “I have such a belief in the positive goodwill and good intentions of all people.”  They won’t protect your children from bullies or assassins.  They’ll coddle, therapeutize or avoid those killers.

Cameron Rust is currently the Defensive Coordinator for the Varsity Football Team, the head Sophomore Baseball Coach and one of the three security guards at Arapahoe High School.

In a blog post, he reveals that the administration of Arapahoe High School had been warned by the security guards numerous times of the menace posed by Karl Pierson, 18, long before he appeared on campus with a 12-gauge shotgun, machete, Molotov cocktails and more than 125 rounds of ammunition.  He shot fellow senior Claire Davis, 17, and minutes later killed himself, but authorities have said the weaponry he packed was a sign that he meant to harm many.  Claire died eight days later.

The school administration did nothing to stop Mr. Pierson.

The details will be argued about for a long time.  The high school administration will present itself as stuck; unable to do anything to stop Mr. Pierson until he had actually committed a crime.  Mr. Rust’s motives and statements will become the focus of the Littleton School District administrators’ defense.

A quoted statement by Littleton Public Schools Superintendent Scott Murphy, reported in the Denver Post, tells us exactly what happened.  In response to pointed questions, Mr. Murphy said, “I have such a belief in the positive goodwill and good intentions of all people.”

Beware.  District Superintendent Murphy just used code words that speak volumes.
He can’t believe that anyone would shoot unarmed kids in a school.  His kids all have “positive goodwill and good intentions.”  And Arapahoe High School is a few miles from Columbine High School.

He is more concerned with the psyche and eventual rehabilitation of Karl Pierson than he is in protecting the other kids at Littleton Public Schools.  He’d throw all his resources at Karl Pierson.  He’d do nothing to remove Mr. Pierson because he believes “…in the positive goodwill and good intentions of all people.”

Murphy didn’t choose Claire Davis as the lamb he sacrificed for his beliefs but he was offering up at least one of the children in his care.

Anyone who says, “I have such a belief in the positive goodwill and good intentions of all people,” will do-nothing to stop the Karl Pierson’s of the world.  They will all them to harass, threaten, bully and abuse while they hope that one more chance will finally give the Karl Pierson’s enough chances to overcome their desires to slaughter people.

As long as we tolerate administrators who believe like Murphy, we will open our doors to assassins like Pierson and we will have many more innocent victims like Claire Davis.

The best way to stop do-nothing administrators and protect your children is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and consulting so you can:

1. Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively despite resistance by ignorant, incompetent and cowardly administrators.
2. Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to create the bully-free schools your children need.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert coaching by phone or Skype.

Teen suicide, murder contagious

In case you didn’t know, teen suicide is contagious.  That is; when one teenager commits suicide at a school, the chances of other teenagers also committing suicide goes up dramatically.

The same goes for teenage murders.  Although the contagion is worse closest to the initial event (contagion spreads from an infected center), the national publicity for each episode stimulates other kids to proceed down that horrible path.

Also, when schools and communities come together with effective anti-bullying, harassment, abuse or suicide efforts, the beneficial effects are also contagious.  The immunizing effects of antibiotics spread from a strong source.

We’ve known that.  And there are studies to reinforce these observations.  For example, see the Christian Science Monitor Weekly article, “Teen suicide: Prevention is contagious, too.”

It’s not just teenagers
In addition, the same contagion and immunization effect are seem among adults at work, in families and in personal life.  Where harassment, bullying and abuse are tolerated, condoned or enabled, the behavior quickly spread.  Rarely is bullying an isolated event.

Similarly, when one person stands up strongly, other follow that example.  Witnesses witness; they don’t become bystanders.

The best way to stop bullying or suicide at work, in your family or at schools is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and consulting so you can:

1. Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.
2. Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to create the bully-free life your spirit has always hungered for.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert coaching by phone or Skype.

Stop school cyberbullying - Checklist

I’ve created a checklist so you can see if your kids are being cyberbullied at school – especially by subtle, sneaky, manipulative bullies who fly below the radar.
 
See the checklist – How to know if your kid is being cyberbullied at school.

The form is easy to fill out and send to me with a click of a button.  I’ll call you back with your free diagnosis and treatment plan.  Or you can print the form and call me directly at 877-8BULIES (877-828-5543).
 
The best way to stop cyberbullying or physical and emotional bullying in schools is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching so you can:

1. Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.
   
2. Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to create the bully-free life your spirit has always hungered for.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert coaching by phone or Skype.

Stop school bullying - Checklist

I’ve created a checklist so you can see if your kids are being bullied in school – especially by subtle, sneaky, manipulative bullies who fly below the radar.
 
See the checklist – How to know if your kid is being bullied at school.

The form is easy to fill out and send to me with a click of a button.  I’ll call you back with your free diagnosis and treatment plan.  Or you can print the form and call me directly at 877-8BULIES (877-828-5543).
 
The best way to stop bullying in schools is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching so you can:

1. Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.
   
2. Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to create the bully-free life your spirit has always hungered for.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert coaching by phone or Skype.

Stop Bullies Everywhere - Wall Street Journal

I’ve been quoted as an expert in an Associated Press article by Beth Harpaz, which has been picked up in the Wall Street Journal and many other publications, “Bullies: They’re not just in middle school.”

Some of the questions and my responses are:

• Is the term “bullying” over-used by people who haven’t really been bullied?  “There are people who use the term bullying "to get what they want. They use it as professional victims to gain power and control," says Ben Leichtling, founder of BulliesBeGone.”
  
• Did the coach of the Texas high school team that won 91-0 encourage bullying?  “Leichtling's reaction to the Texas football game?  "The coach of the good team did what he could" to mitigate the humiliation of the other guys. "If the behavior of the winning team was cruel, nasty, rubbing it in, I would call that bullying," he said. But that's not what happened.  He noted that there are other remedies for lopsided victories in kids' sports: Parents might lobby for a mercy rule or rearrange leagues so weak teams don't face powerhouses.”
  
• Is there bullying outside of junior high school?
  
• “Leichtling, founder of BulliesBeGone, says "bullying is not only about kids. It happens all the time, in every culture, with people at every age, in every situation, and always has."
  
• “When he coaches adults coping with bullies on the job or in bad marriages, he offers the same advice used to curb bullying in schools.  “You have to say, this behavior is not allowed," Leichtling said. "And you may have to get in the bully's face."
  
• For years before he became a psychotherapist, Leichtling had a career running research labs. He says it was good training for the anti-bullying work he does now.  "Boy, I saw bullying in science," he said. "It's not an ivory tower. Academia is vicious!"

The best way to stop bullying in all situations is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching so you can:

1. Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.
   
2. Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to create the bully-free life your spirit has always hungered for.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert coaching by phone or Skype.

Stop Cyber Bullies: Vague Cyber bullying Laws Aren't Effective

According to an editorial in the New York Times, “Vague Cyberbullying Law,” “Lori Drew acted grotesquely if, as prosecutors charged, she went online and bullied her daughter’s classmate, a 13-year-old girl who ended up committing suicide.  A federal court was right, however, to throw out her misdemeanor convictions recently.  The crimes she was found guilty of, essentially violating the MySpace Web site’s rules, are too vague to be constitutional.” Whether or not we’d agree with the constitutional interpretation of the US District Court judge, I think the ruling illustrates clearly why we need clear, specific laws to stop cyber bullies.

Freedom of speech is not the issue.  We abridge freedom of speech in many ways because, in some situations, there are values more important than freedom of speech.  That’s why we prohibit yelling “fire” in crowded public places and why we have laws against libel and slander.  Difficulties in enforcing some laws like libel and slander are no reason not to have such laws.  We recognize that such difficulties mean that there are a lot of gray areas in human behavior in these areas.  Therefore, we expect human judgment to be required in these difficult areas.  But if we didn’t have laws, we’d never be able to respond to cases that are clear.

Angry, vindictive and relentless bullies will continue to abuse their targets by whatever means they can.  If we avoid the difficulties in trying to stop cyber bullying, if we say that we can’t distinguish between lying about our age, weight or physical appearance online, and plotting to cause emotional distress or persecuting someone or spreading malicious, false gossip and rumors online, we only encourage cyber bullying – especially if it can be done anonymously.

Therefore, we need laws that are as specific and clear as we can write them, as well as human judgment in enforcing them.  I’d rather have the option to effectively prosecute people like Lori Drew than to be unable to because there are no clear and specific laws.

Because internet use is nationwide, we need the laws to be Federal laws.

On the other side of the equation, we hope we’ll be able to raise our children to be more sturdy than Megan Meier was.  We hope we’ll recognize the signs that our children are targets of cyber bullies.  But we’ll never succeed in raising all our children to be mentally and emotionally strong enough to resist all pressures and stress.  Not all children will develop the self-esteem and self-confidence to thrive in the real world.  Negative input and negative self-talk will always be a problem.  But in many cases, strong Federal laws will help protect people, especially teenagers.  Cyber safety for as many people as possible takes precedence over freedom of speech.

The best way to stop cyberbullying is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching so you can:

1. Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.
2. Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to create the bully-free life your spirit has always hungered for.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert coaching by phone or Skype. 

Teachers' Unions Don't Protect Kids from Bullies

The Teachers’ union is clear: since dues are paid by teachers, not by kids or parents, the union’s job is to protect and increase teachers’ salaries and seniority. I love good teachers.  I come from a family of teachers.  My life has been crucially enriched by teachers.  I teach.

But I won’t support the teachers’ unions focus only on salary and seniority.  There’s something simple the union can do to protect its own members and to get my support.

There’s a war going on in schools and in legislatures right now over bullying.  Should we take strong steps to stop taunting, teasing, harassment, bullying and abuse despite problems in writing good laws, in developing strong policies, in promoting effective programs and in protecting strong principals from law suits by the bullying parents of bullies?

I’m calling out union officials and leaders who have wrung their hands in despair because no one is protecting teachers.  What percent of your lobbying dollars have gone into promoting laws, policies and programs to stop bullies?  How come the union doesn’t organize teachers to picket at legislatures that are considering laws to stop bullying?  Have you see teachers parading with signs saying, “Protect students and teachers.  We need laws to stop bullies”?  How many television ads and letter writing campaigns have the union funded to promote clear action by legislators and school districts; and to remove ones that tolerate bullies? How many more murders and suicides will it take to convince the teachers’ union that its best interests lie in fighting for strong laws?

If I was a teacher in the union, I wouldn’t pay dues to an organization that supposedly represents my best interests but leaves me out to dry because there are no laws or policies to protect me when I challenge bullies and their protective parents.

It’s that simple for me.  When the union takes on the bullies and their parents, I’ll support the union in its other efforts.  I’m in good company.

Teacher manipulated by 'professional victim', a stealth bully

This post is based on the following comment: WOW!!!  I was amazed to find your post, "How do you know if someone is your friend?" right when I needed it most.  I now know what category my daughter's best friend falls under.  My daughter has gone through MOST of the examples that were used in this post with her friend for over 3 years and because there is no hitting involved...it was hard to really label what was going on.  But terming her a "Stealth Bully" is perfect!! I actually can't believe how on target your examples were; they’re so close to what my daughter has been experiencing with a person who was supposed to be her friend.  Just recently, she finally told her supposed friend that she is going to take a break from their relationship because the friend won't stop her negative behavior.  The supposed friend had a fit at school (uncontrollable crying) and got sympathy from other students.  She told everyone my daughter was bullying her and she didn't know why my daughter won't be her friend anymore.  Her supposed friend also manipulated the teacher by breaking out into tears in the classroom and telling the teacher that she has no idea why she is being ignored.

The teacher yelled at my daughter and told her that she will not tolerate any bullying in her class.  My daughter had no chance to explain her side and is devastated at how this has blown up in her face when she is not the bully.

Tears are a very strong weapon when used by manipulative, professional victim children.  I am coaching my daughter now what to say to the teacher because I want her to learn how to stand up for her rights in a respectful way.  I am going to show her your post so that she can understand more what is going on here.  Hopefully this will make her feel better, although right now she feels everyone is on her friend’s side.  Thanks for the post!

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Hi,

I’m glad you found the post and that it helped.

Taking what you said as accurate and true, you and your daughter have run into a common manipulative, stealthy bullying tactic.

When someone (your daughter’s supposed friend) cries, most people assume that someone else (your daughter) must have done something bad and should be stopped.  Most people react to their assumptions and attack the designated perpetrator (your daughter).  Your daughter got labeled unfairly and without being allowed to present her side.  Also, the teacher didn’t judge by character, because bullies like your daughter’s supposed friend usually manipulate the same way repeatedly.  They can be recognized by their repeating pattern of behavior – that’s how the get what they want.  And I’d suspect that your daughter doesn’t have a pattern of bullying or abusing her friends.  Shame on that teacher for jumping to conclusions, supporting the bully and blaming the true victim.

A person who uses the crying, victim tactic repeatedly is a special type of manipulative, stealth bully that I call “Professional Victims.”  Your daughter has been victimized by a person using their hurt feelings to gain power and control; a sneaky professional victim.  We often see this between brothers and sisters who want to manipulate their parents.

You’re on the right track coaching your daughter how to stand up for herself.  However, since I suspect that she’s younger than high school age, and since adults sometimes won’t admit error in front of children, you also may need to talk with the teacher and the principal to make your daughter’s case.  Gather evidence, if you can, of other times when the supposed friend has used the same sort of tactics that depend on her feelings being hurt.

Maybe they also need a copy of the original blog post and my book, “How to Stop Bullies in their Tracks.”  My next book, “Parenting Bully-Proof Kids” and a 10 disc CD set containing both books should be out right after Thanksgiving.

Of course, the professional victim is not really a friend of your daughter’s.  Professional victims are selfish, vicious, ruthless control-freaks.  They try to manipulate authorities to defend them and to punish people they’re trying to beat into line.

Your daughter is now testing everyone at school.  She should make her case and then see who is foolish enough to believe the false friend.  Your daughter doesn’t really want to be friends with people who don’t recognize her good character, as opposed to the professional victim’s.  Your daughter may find out that no one at school sees clearly.  Well, now she knows about them.  Be resilient.  Move on and get better friends when she moves up to the next school.  She simply won’t be going to reunions with those people.  No great loss.

I know that may sound difficult if she wants to gain acceptance by a peer group.  But part of her job in life is to test the whole world and keep on her island only the people who see her worth and whom she likes.

Good luck and best wishes.

How Parents can help Stop School Bullying - Videos

I’ve posted two new videos on YouTube about what parents can do to help stop school bullying.

1. How to Stop School Bullying: How Parents Make Kids Victims
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=icJTfMTkM0I&feature=youtu.be

2. How to Stop School Bullying | Evaluating Your School's anti-Bullying Program
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=H7WPz-Me4ZU&feature=youtu.be

The best way to stop bullying of any kind is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching so you can:

1. Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to do your best resolutely, diligently and effectively, and to set boundaries effectively.
2. Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to create a bully-free personal life.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert coaching by phone or Skype.

How to Stop School Bullying - Videos

http://www.bulliesbegone.com/hire_ben.htmlI’ve posted two new videos on YouTube about how to stop school bullying.

1. How to Stop School Bullying | Signs Your Kid is Being Bullied
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dUyidHLYdqE

2. How to Stop School Bullying: Sneaky Intimidation
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gV8lJIf-scY&feature=youtu.be

The best way to stop bullying of any kind is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching so you can:

1. Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to do your best resolutely, diligently and effectively, and to set boundaries effectively.
2. Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to create a bully-free personal life.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert coaching by phone or Skype.

How to Stop Cyberbullying - Videos

I’ve posted two new videos on YouTube about how to stop cyberbullying:

1. How to Stop Cyberbullying | Signs Your Kid is Being Cyberbullied
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aRGeES6fNYs

2. How to Stop Cyberbullying: What Parents Can Do | Protect Your Child from Cyberbullies
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HmqnkwBbQ6k

The best way to stop bullying of any kind is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching so you can:

1. Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to do your best resolutely, diligently and effectively, and to set boundaries effectively.
   
2. Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to create a bully-free personal life.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert coaching by phone or Skype.

How to Stop School Bullying: Evaluating Your School’s Anti-Bullying Program

How can you stop school bullying?  One important step is to learn how to evaluate your school’s anti-bullying program.

Look for five signs so you can judge whether your program will actually stop bullying.  Then we’ll add the key factor that makes or breaks programs.

No matter how well-written or how expensive your school’s stop bullying program is; the ultimate test is always: Does bullying stop?  If bullying stops; great.  But if bullying continues, you must learn what to do to protect your kids from bullying.

There are five “must haves” I put in my effective, anti-bullying school programs:

1. There must be clear and escalating consequences for bullying.  Or is the program full of pious words like “respect,” but no consequences?  Are bullies removed from contact with targets?  Or are targets removed so the principal and teachers and counselors can therapeutize and rehabilitate bullies while they continue harassing their victims?  Do the school attorney and the district administrator actively support the anti-bullying program?  Are police involved at school?
2. There must be lots of publicity for the anti-bullying program in the local media and at school.  Are there assemblies for kids all during the school year?
3. Teachers, school counselors, cafeteria staff and bus drivers must be involved.  Are they taught the signs of subtle manipulation and covert bullying?  Do they know how to recognize “professional victim” bullies?  Do they know what constitutes evidence and how to document what they see and hear?
4. The kids must be excited and involved, and they must have evidence that bullies will be removed.  Are kids taught specifically what to do and who to go to if they’re bullied overtly or covertly?  Are kids taught what to do if they witness bullying?  Or are they left to be spectators and bystanders while targets are made into victims?
5. Parents must be actively involved.  Are all parents notified about the program?  Are there programs for teachers and parents to meet together during the year?  Are “test cases” publicized within the legal bounds of confidentiality?

Now for the single most important factor in making school anti-bullying programs effective: your principal.

1. All plans and programs are just words on pieces of paper.  Even the best plans have no life and power of their own.
2. What gives them life and power is the strength, energy, determination and character of the people involved; most importantly, your principal.
3. Does your principal really want to stop bullying and does he or she really know how?  Is your school principal willing to stand up to bullying kids and their bullying parents who will threaten to sue?
4. In addition to the program, does your principal have an action plan for when bullying occurs – because relentless bullies will push the boundaries of even the best anti-bullying school programs?

Look at your principal’s track record: Have any kids been removed during the past few years?  If your principal is proud that they’ve never had a case of bullying then, probably, bullying is ignored, minimized, condoned or even enabled.  Beware.  Do-nothing principals, even with the best stop bullying programs on paper, can turn targets into victims.

Parents, your task at school is to promote anti-bullying programs and to actively support principals who want to stop bullying and who need your help to back them up.  Organize a small group of committed parents to support your good principals and to pressure your reluctant or cowardly ones to take effective action.

Don’t wait for school administrators, principals, counselors and teachers to empower you and your kid.  Take the power you need and learn to use it skillfully so you can stop harassment, bullying and abuse.

Learn how to fight back against school bullying, verbally, physically and legally.

Principals and other school officials are afraid of two things.  You can use these to stimulate do-nothing, reluctant principals to take action to protect your children, the targets of bullying.  You can even use these fears to stimulate principals who otherwise ignore or even condone bullying by kids and their bullying parents.

The best way to stop bullying at school is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching so you can:

1. Determine if your school’s anti-bullying program is effective or hire Dr. Ben to help your principal develop and implement an effective anti-bullying school program.
2. Develop a plan and master the skills you need to make reluctant principals defend your kids from school bullying.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert coaching by phone or Skype.