When Fanny’s (fictitious name) daughter was a child, she’d decided she was a victim. She decided Fanny should give her everything she wanted in order to make her happy.
The truth was that Fanny had given her now 35-year-old daughter everything she could, which was a lot. But her daughter had chosen to be entitled, bullying, abusive and toxic. Fanny thought she was the Queen of the Narcissists or, at least, a huge Drama Queen.
Instead of working hard to straighten her life out, her daughter put her effort into beating Fanny into submission and convincing everyone in the family that Fanny had deprived her when she was younger. She claimed Fanny had rejected and abandoned her, and now owed her everything she wanted.
Fanny’s daughter was typical of most self-proclaimed victims. A few of her typical claims were:
“You ruined my life. You yelled at me once and you spanked me once. My pain and present problems are all your fault. Therefore, you owe me whatever I want, when I want it for the rest of your life. I should get everything. You should be living on the street. And it still wouldn’t be enough.”
“You never liked me, supported me, complimented me, put yourself out enough. I felt rejected and abandoned. Your job is to make me happy. My feelings are what matter. Your feelings don’t count. If your feelings are hurt, you deserve it.” When Fanny brought up anything about her daughter’s mean, nasty, vicious behavior, her daughter threw a hissy fit until Fanny begged for forgiveness for upsetting her. Fanny’s complaints never got dealt with.
“I had a great life. I was successful until you ruined it.” That was not true, but her daughter would throw a big temper tantrum if Fanny ever disagreed. Her daughter focused only on what Fanny had to do or give in order to get her daughter to forgive her. Her daughter was never convinced by any proof or argument Fanny made. She’d insist she was right or attack Fanny on a different subject until Fanny would give in and apologize or just give her daughter whatever she wanted.
“I’m in charge now. If you want to see your grandchildren, you’d better do what I say.” When Fanny resisted, her daughter either threw a loud hissy-fit and stormed off, or she gave Fanny the “loud silent treatment.”
“I don’t have to do anything I don’t want.” What her daughter really meant was that she didn’t have to do anything she didn’t want and there should be no consequences for her.
Fanny’s daughter was a “professional victim.”
She used her self-annointed role as a victim in order to get power, control, turf. Her claims were delusional, but she’d never accept the truth of what had happened to her or the responsibility for the damage she’d caused
When she took her lies to the extended family, they mobbed Fanny, trying to get her to give in to her daughter’s demands. They said, “That’s just the way she is. Don’t drive a wedge between people in the family. Give in. Don’t resist. Keep the family together. Rise above. Be the bigger person.”
Fanny took back control of her life by deciding what her daughter would have to do in order for Fanny to want to have anything to do with her.
From now on, Fanny took charge of what she spent her time and energy on. Fanny knew she hadn’t been perfect, but she’d been pretty good. She decided not to carry any guilt forward in her life.
Also, Fanny acknowledged she hadn’t had a good time with her daughter for decades and, actually, she dreaded any contact with her daughter. Fanny told her daughter that from now on, she’d have to be nice. She had to make being with her a good time.
Of course, there are many complications depending on your situation. The best way to learn how to take power in your life and to be the person you want to be is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and counseling so you can:
Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.
Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to create the life your spirit has always hungered for.
Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert counseling and coaching by phone or Zoom or Skype.