Kindle Book - "Parenting Bully-Proof Kids: How to Stop School Bullies," 2nd edition

“Parenting Bully-Proof Kids: How to Stop School Bullies,” 2nd edition, is finally published as a Kindle Edition.  It’s a companion book to “How to Stop Bullies in Their Tracks” – 2nd edition

You can find it at: http://www.amazon.com/dp/B00VDF8JA4

These books and some counseling and coaching will show you how to guide your children and teenagers to live a bully-free life. Six case studies will teach you how to help them deal with:

• Taunting, teasing and fighting.
• A venomous Queen Bee.
• A manipulative control-freak who pretends to be a friend.
• Emotional blackmail.
• School administrators (do-nothing principals)
• The most important decision for teenagers.
• Self-bullying.

Your children and teens need your guidance in order to learn how to succeed in the real world. Of course, we want all schools to prevent bullying. But that’s not going to happen soon enough for us. Your children and teens will face:

• Physical violence, verbal abuse and emotional intimidation.
• Anger, hate, harassment and hazing.
• Name-calling, putdowns, two-faced friends, condescending and scornful cliques, and ostracism.
• Peer pressure and destructive media influences.
• Cyber-bullies.

Before your children can learn anti-bullying skills and be effective in stopping bullies, they need to develop the internal courage, strength, determination and endurance to succeed. You can learn how to:

• Recognize the signs that your children are being bullied physically, mentally and emotionally, face-to-face or online. Get your children to tell you the truth even when they don’t want to. And when your children desperately need your help even though they may not want it.
• Use peaceful methods (understanding, tolerating, logic, reasoning, forgiveness) as wonderful first steps. Sometimes they stop mild bullying. But your children and teens will need firmer, stronger methods to stop relentless, determined bullies. Recognize when you should intervene or when you should guide your children to stop bullies by themselves.
• Get evidence that will strengthen your case, even if school administrators don’t want to help. Don’t let do-nothing principals turn your children into victims.
• Help your children develop the strength, courage, will and determination they need to face a world that’s vastly different from the one you grew up in. Become a parent who can help your children be strong and self-disciplined enough so bullies won’t attack them.
• Help your children resist feelings of isolation and helplessness, overcome depression and suicidal thoughts, and increase their confidence and self-esteem. Help them develop a plan and master the skills they need to defend themselves.

School administrators are often reluctant to get involved in protecting targets of bullying. Some even protect the bullies. Lazy, cowardly or incompetent school officials are part of the problem that converts targeted kids into victims and suicides. Don’t let politeness, naivety or ignorance keep you from protecting your children. Rarely is bullying an isolated incident. Usually, bullying is a pervasive pattern because bullies know they have the real power and immunity at school.

Good parenting also requires you to teach your children how to succeed in the adult world at work and in their adult relationships with husbands, wives, partners, brothers, sisters, relatives, friends and neighbors.

The best way to learn how to parent bully-proof kids is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and counseling so you and your children can:

1. Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.
2. Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to create the bully-free life your spirit has always hungered for.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert coaching by phone or Skype.

"The Bully Business" is wrong

“The Bully Business,” in The Atlantic, by Cevin Solving is absolutely wrong.

Solving uses inappropriate analogies, like stopping head injury to boxers is the same as stopping bullies in schools.  And his underlying assumption about how to stop bullying in schools, shared by many people, is that we should find out why kids bully, give bullies what they want and then they’ll stop bullying.  His culprit is that schools control bullies too much; bullies don’t have enough freedom so they turn to abusing their peers.  He focuses on the wrong people; the bullies instead of focusing on the targets of harassment and violence.

The beginning of the solution is to protect targets and stop bullies.
Solving doesn’t consider this first step.  He assumes bullies are nice people and if they weren’t thwarted they wouldn’t turn to bullying to get what they want.  Evidently he doesn’t like the analogy with the kids in “Lord of the Flies” and all the rest of human history which shows that not all people are born nice, kindly and virtuous, and that civility must be taught and reinforced.

Principals, counselors, teachers and staff have a primary responsibility of protecting targets by stopping bullies and removing them.  Then education and socialization can begin.

Bullies must learn that their tactics don’t get them what they want.
My experience has been that an essential step in bullies’ education is when they learn that they get into more trouble if they continue bullying.  Then many become interested in learning other ways of acting.

The ones who resist this learning, the ones who continue bullying and who get more violent are not the kids to whom we want to give more freedom and latitude.  They are the ones who need to be removed faster.

First, protect the targets, the try to rehabilitate the perpetrators.

The best way to learn how to parent bully-proof kids and to develop a program to stop school bullying is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and counseling so you can:
1. Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.
2. Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to create the life your spirit has always hungered for.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert coaching by phone or Skype.

Teen anxiety, depression, self-esteem, resistance

There are many reasons why intelligent, well-behaved children become teenagers riddled with anxiety, lethargy and depression, and full of resistance and rebellion.

One of the most common and overlooked is that these kids are faced with the biggest and scariest challenge in their lives and they’re afraid they can’t succeed.  So they hide behind selfishness and narcissism, and turn on their parents, their schools and anyone else they can in order to avoid the real issue.

The frightening issue is, “Can they make it in the real world?”

Naturally, since many teens are not sure if they’re smart enough, pretty enough, athletic enough or strong enough, they get anxious.  Naturally, since they know the cowardly moments they’ve given into, the evil thoughts they’ve harbored and the bad things they’ve done, they worry that there may be something deficient or wrong in them.  Naturally, many withdraw into lethargy and depression, and then lash out to cover up their fear.

Stop fighting the easy fights.

• It’s easy to blame everyone else who hasn’t given them everything.  It’s easy to give up and turn on their parents with negativity, sarcasm, arrogance, harassment, bullying and abuse.
• It’s easy to try to beat their parents into submission, into giving more and more stuff, giving more and more chances, negotiating endlessly and never applying consequences that really matter.  Many parents hope that if they keep giving and they cater to their children’s excuses, someday their little darlings (no matter how old) will finally see the light and become hard-working, responsible, polite, caring adults.
• These fights are easy because they’re against loving parents who will eventually give in.

But these easy fights take up everyone’s time and energy, and enable teenagers to avoid the important and necessary fight, which ultimately must be fought successfully in order for that child to become a fully functioning and successful human adult.

Fight the hard fight: There is no other way to grow up.

• Help your children fight against a world that tests them to see if they have what it takes to be successful adults.  Help them face the most difficult challenge that the world poses.  This is the hard fight because the world doesn’t care about them and their feelings.  The world is interested only in results.
• Help your children by focusing them on the fight they really need to fight.  Don’t let the argument remain focused on you.  Keep the focus where it belongs.  “Do you have the resolve, resilience and relentlessness to succeed against the world?”
• The fight is against their own fear and cowardice.  Their confidence and self-esteem will follow their successes in facing this challenge.  Every challenge they face successfully will increase their confidence, esteem and energy to tackle greater challenges.

The fight against the world takes more energy and determination than giving up and whining and complaining.

Of course, we know 20-70 year-olds who are still bullied by their fears, still lashing out because they weren’t given enough, still a waste of potential for all those who love them.

The best way to learn how to help your teen fight the hard challenge is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and counseling so you can:

1. Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.
2. Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to create the bully-free life your spirit has always hungered for.

Read case study #6 in “How to Parent Bully-Proof Kids.”  Also, read my new Kindle book, “How to Stop Sneaky Bullies.”  Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert coaching by phone or Skype.

3 Rs: Life lessons to stop bullies

Bullies in relationships and at work try to convince you that you’re too weak or unskilled to resist them: They’ll win in the end.  They’re more determined, nasty, sneaky.  They want you to feel hopeless, helpless.  They want your logic and reason to convince you that resistance is futile.

Kids can convince themselves to give up.  It’s not worth the effort since the deck is stacked against them.  Life is too hard, they’re too weak or defective, people are too nasty.

The effective response in both cases, the keys to success are the 3 Rs:

1. Have resolve.
2. Be resilient.
3. Act relentlessly.

Those qualities are the engine we all need.

If we don’t have these qualities, we can’t make use of any help that’s offered.  We give in, we give up.  Even if we have a great plan, we don’t have the will and grit to carry it out successfully.  Failure is guaranteed.

If we have these qualities, we grab onto help that’s offered.  We keep trying.  We create surprises.  We can get lucky.  We can attract allies.  We can succeed against negativity, bullies and abuse.  We can succeed in life.

The best way to learn how to create the life your spirit wants is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and counseling so you can:

1. Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.
2. Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to create the bully-free life your spirit has always hungered for.

Read case study #6 in “How to Parent Bully-Proof Kids.”  Also, read my new Kindle book, “How to Stop Sneaky Bullies.”  Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert coaching by phone or Skype.

Parenting tips: Don’t over-react

Did you ever look at your 4-12 year-old child and think: “He’ll be lazy or sloppy forever, he’ll never get a job, he’ll be financially dependent on me as long as I live, I’ll have him living with me forever.”  If you did (like I sometimes did) you probably overreacted to the situation in the moment and came down with everything you had in order to destroy the horrible movie you were playing in your head.  You criticized, harassed, yelled, bullied and abused relentlessly (as I did).

Of course, some of our fears do come out later as true.  But most of them don’t.

Don’t treat today’s problems as if they’re the end of the world and predict disaster forever.  But don’t let them slide by because you’re in wishful-thinking mode.

Some parenting tests:

1. If the kids are getting into trouble with the police or you think they’re really crazy or they’re involved heavily in drugs, alcohol, danger, rage and suicidal thinking, you’d better do something more than wishful thinking.  Since the problem is probably not ignorance of bad possibilities, the answer is probably not loud lecturing.  See case study #6 (“Teenagers most important decision”) in my book, “Parenting Bully-Proof Kids.”  It’s available fastest from my website.
2. But for all the rest – not doing chores, or not interested in school, not thinking academically, laying around, spending all their time in athletics or on screens and video games, doing poorly on a test or in one subject, not following in the footsteps you’ve laid out as the Right way – don’t overreact.  Calm down and deal with it as serious, but not the end of the world.

In the second set of examples, I begin by trying to find solutions that don’t label the child as having something innately wrong with them (like overreactions and visits to a shrink will label them).  Instead, help them see the problem as a challenge and skill that’s difficult for that particular kid to learn.

We all have those areas that are more difficult for us.  So what?  That simply means we have to work harder in that area.  That doesn’t mean we’re retarded or defective or evil or guaranteed to fail (or, at least, guaranteed not to get into Harvard and, therefore, guaranteed to fail).

Don’t lose it.  Don’t make war with your spouse over the best way to proceed.  If you split apart, you’ll never help the child.

Help the kids find models of great people who overcame similar difficulties.  Connect them with a sense of inner determination, courage and strength.

If these first approaches don’t work, then we’ll need to move up a response-staircase with guidance.

The best way to learn to solve your specific parenting difficulties is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and counseling so you can:

1. Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.
2. Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to deal with the specific situation you’re in.

Read my new Kindle book, “How to Stop Sneaky Bullies.”  Also, since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert coaching by phone or Skype.

Stop parenting by relentless negativity, criticism

Suzie wanted the best for her kids.  She knew life would be competitive and dangerous, and she wanted her kids to know the rules they needed to follow in order to succeed and to be accepted by the best schools and the best people.  Consequently, she pointed out every mistake they made and corrected them every time they weren’t perfect.  The result was an endless stream of negativity and criticism.  But she’d never admit she was creating a problem; she was doing it for their own good.

Harry knew he was right in every aspect of life.  Verbally and physically, he was going to beat his kids into the shape he wanted.  They’d better listen or else.  Harry knew he was beating them into submission and he was proud of it.

Even though we might think the motives and styles of Suzie and Harry were different, the results on their poor kids were the same.  Relentless negativity and criticism had their typical effects.

The kids became anxious, terrified of the slightest mistakes and always searched for the rules they could follow to avoid the harassment, bullying and abuse.  They developed hunched shoulders and facial tics. They were afraid of trying new things or going into new situations.  They were crushed by any setbacks or failures.  Every mistake seemed a matter of life and death.  They became experts at self-bullying.  They’d been trained by parents who acted that way.

The kids wanted to be perfect but were psychological messes.  Since they proudly passed on negativity and criticism to their peers when they saw them making mistakes, they became isolated.  No one enjoys being beaten and their friends had a choice to leave.

Sophia, from “Modern Family,” captures a better way: “I’ll be the wind at my son’s back, not the spit in his face.”

The best way to learn how to parent effectively is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and counseling so you can:

1. Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.
2. Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to deal with the specific situation you’re in.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert coaching by phone or Skype.

Stop Cyber Bullies: Vague Cyber bullying Laws Aren't Effective

According to an editorial in the New York Times, “Vague Cyberbullying Law,” “Lori Drew acted grotesquely if, as prosecutors charged, she went online and bullied her daughter’s classmate, a 13-year-old girl who ended up committing suicide.  A federal court was right, however, to throw out her misdemeanor convictions recently.  The crimes she was found guilty of, essentially violating the MySpace Web site’s rules, are too vague to be constitutional.” Whether or not we’d agree with the constitutional interpretation of the US District Court judge, I think the ruling illustrates clearly why we need clear, specific laws to stop cyber bullies.

Freedom of speech is not the issue.  We abridge freedom of speech in many ways because, in some situations, there are values more important than freedom of speech.  That’s why we prohibit yelling “fire” in crowded public places and why we have laws against libel and slander.  Difficulties in enforcing some laws like libel and slander are no reason not to have such laws.  We recognize that such difficulties mean that there are a lot of gray areas in human behavior in these areas.  Therefore, we expect human judgment to be required in these difficult areas.  But if we didn’t have laws, we’d never be able to respond to cases that are clear.

Angry, vindictive and relentless bullies will continue to abuse their targets by whatever means they can.  If we avoid the difficulties in trying to stop cyber bullying, if we say that we can’t distinguish between lying about our age, weight or physical appearance online, and plotting to cause emotional distress or persecuting someone or spreading malicious, false gossip and rumors online, we only encourage cyber bullying – especially if it can be done anonymously.

Therefore, we need laws that are as specific and clear as we can write them, as well as human judgment in enforcing them.  I’d rather have the option to effectively prosecute people like Lori Drew than to be unable to because there are no clear and specific laws.

Because internet use is nationwide, we need the laws to be Federal laws.

On the other side of the equation, we hope we’ll be able to raise our children to be more sturdy than Megan Meier was.  We hope we’ll recognize the signs that our children are targets of cyber bullies.  But we’ll never succeed in raising all our children to be mentally and emotionally strong enough to resist all pressures and stress.  Not all children will develop the self-esteem and self-confidence to thrive in the real world.  Negative input and negative self-talk will always be a problem.  But in many cases, strong Federal laws will help protect people, especially teenagers.  Cyber safety for as many people as possible takes precedence over freedom of speech.

The best way to stop cyberbullying is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching so you can:

1. Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.
2. Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to create the bully-free life your spirit has always hungered for.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert coaching by phone or Skype. 

Teach children and teens to be resilient; don't be defeated by disappointment, hostility, abuse, trauma or bullies.

Are your children and teens resilient?  Do they bounce back after they’ve been disappointed or faced hostility, bullies, abuse or trauma?  Are you resilient?  Do you know how to resist a hostile, abusive, controlling or bullying husband or wife?  Can you resist your self-bullying tendencies?  How about abusive, controlling or bullying friends, relatives or neighbors?  How about at work; hostile, abusive, bullying bosses, managers or co-workers?  Do you bounce back from getting passed over, terminated or fired from a hostile workplace?  You know – lies, yelling, cursing, back-stabbing, verbal abuse, demeaning insults, harassment, false complaints or accusations. According to a Newsweek article written by Mary Carmichael (The Resiliency Gene: A genetic variant may protect some abused kids from depression and other long-term effects) the National Institute of Mental Health is funding studies to find the genes associated with resiliency to hostility, abuse and trauma.  As a former practicing biochemist, I can say that, of course, we’ll find genes associated with almost every pattern of behavior.

But, I think it’s a dead end if we focus merely on the genetic expressions of what’s going on.

Why do I think it’s a dead end?  Because you end up thinking that either you have the right stuff or you don’t.  That belief won’t help your children develop strength of character or as much resilience as they can.  For example, contrast the behavior of the teen in cyber-bullying suicide case with the teen who was acquitted of punching a racist tormentor . . Worrying about the resiliency gene won’t help you be courageous either.  You’ll remain a victim; hoping the system can be made 100 percent safe and fair.  You’re better off thinking that you can develop the right stuff to protect yourself, to create a bully-free environment.  That approach to make the world totally and completely safe is being tried right now in our schools .

Resiliency is something that we’ve seen and studied throughout history.  For example, in their elegant studies of about 700 famous men and women (“Cradles of Eminence,” 1962), Victor and Mildred Goertzel, called the eminent survivors of childhood abuse and trauma, “The Invulnerables.”  Our history is full of men and women who failed and then bounced back, struggled and succeeded.

In my coaching of adults (including parents wanting to know how to help their children), I encourage them to focus on the “free will” aspects of their lives.  You have much more control over what you create in life right now, than you do over your genetics.  No matter what life throws at us, whether we’re subjected to natural disasters, large scale human destruction or individual family brutality and trauma, we all must struggle to rise above those events in order to create as great a life as we can.  We can take charge of our efforts  even though we can’t control the results.

Inspire your children by them to look back at their inheritance.  Think of what their ancestors must have lived through.  No matter what their ancestry, they come from an unbroken line of men and women who survived drought, flood, plague, famine, disease, war, uprooting, slavery, rape and every other form of disappointment, hostility, control, abuse, brutality and trauma known.  Everyone one of their ancestors survived long enough to make a baby who grew up to make a baby who grew up to make a baby … until they were born.  If one of their ancestors hadn’t grown up to do his or her part, they wouldn’t be here.  They have a legacy of survivors.

Also think of their mental and spiritual inheritance.  There must have been people who took in some of their ancestors and nurtured, encouraged and stimulated them; even though they weren’t blood relatives.  Despite all the abuse and trauma, here they are.  They have the legacy of survivors.  Stop worrying about their genes and start training them to be mentally, emotionally and spiritually strong.  Start helping them develop the discipline that’s worthy of all the struggle and effort that went into getting them here.

I remember the stories of what my grandparents went through in order to get here.  They didn’t have credit cards, cell phones, health insurance or own their homes.  How can I let them down by not living as gloriously as I can?  How can I let them down by not encouraging my children to do the same – no matter what their genetics has given them?

The best way to learn to parent resilient kids is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching so you can:

1. Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.
   
2. Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to create the bully-free life your spirit has always hungered for.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert coaching by phone or Skype.

Stop bullying by your boyfriend's daughter

Sherry has noticed a pattern between her boyfriend, Robert, and his teen aged daughter.  Whenever Sherry and Robert have special plans, his daughter insists that she needs Robert to take care of her.  If he won’t change the plans, the girl throws a fit, gets hysterical and says that Robert doesn’t love her anymore. Robert immediately changes the plans and does what his daughter wants.  He says that she’s his first responsibility.  He’d feel guilty if he disappointed his daughter; he’s hurt her enough by getting divorced and if he doesn’t take care of her needs now, she’ll never be a better student or happier person.  She’ll feel rejected all her life.

There are also many other kinds of incidents in which Robert shows that his primary emotional attachment is to his daughter.

What would you do?

Robert’s daughter seems to have a sixth sense.  She calls Robert with her problems whenever Robert and Sherry are having a romantic date.  She needs Robert to listen endlessly to her emotional turmoil with her mother (his ex) and other kids at school.

Whenever Robert catches his daughter in a lie, she yells and screams.  By the time Robert calms her down, he’s too afraid to bring up the lie he’s caught her in.

Sherry and Robert both agree; Robert is catering to his daughter.  His daughter is needy, manipulative and conniving.  She uses emotional blackmail, withdrawal of love and hysterics to coerce him.  She’s actually bright and strong; there’s nothing really wrong with her.

Robert accepts his daughter’s view that he has to choose who’s more important; her or Sherry.  Robert gives in almost every time.  He feels guilty and he’s afraid that if he doesn’t do what his daughter wants, she’ll be a failure.  His heart breaks when he thinks of making her unhappy.  Robert is encouraging his daughter to be a selfish, spoiled, nasty brat.

Sherry wonders if Robert’s attachment to his daughter is normal and if she’s being too selfish when she wants more from him.  How can she ask him to choose her instead of his daughter?

Sherry is asking the wrong questions.  She really wants to know, “Will Robert stop bullying by his manipulative daughter?”  Also, “Will he stop bullying himself with his guilt over his divorce?”

The real question for Sherry is: “Do I want to be with someone who puts a manipulative person’s wishes and demands ahead of his own happiness?”  Her guts already tell her, “No!”

She should give him one more chance to recognize the dysfunctional pattern between himself and his daughter and get the help he needs to stop bullying in his life.  His daughter is old enough to understand that while Robert does love her, he isn’t going to take care of her as if she was a fragile, little infant.  He can say “No” without destroying this teenager’s life.  He simply needs the better parenting skills he can learn from “Parenting Bully-Proof Kids.”

My experience is that the Robert’s of the world who don’t change rapidly won’t change in Sherry’s life time.  He won’t end his submission and stop the bullying.

Sherry should not get into debates about what’s normal; not let her false hopes convince her that he’ll change after his daughter has grown up.  Sherry should focus on behavior she wants or doesn’t want in her environment; not on philosophical arguments.  She shouldn’t try to stick it out.  She should get out and find love somewhere else.

Sherry is afraid that if she loses Robert, she won’t find anyone else.  Sherry needs coaching to decrease self-doubt and self-bullying (Case Studies # 8 and 9 in “How to Stop Bullies in their Tracks”).

She needs to start living the life she wants to lead.  Just like Lucy in case study # 14 in my book, if she doesn’t trust her own guts, she’ll get sucked in.  The longer she goes on Robert’s roller coaster ride, the harder it will be to get off.  Does she want to settle for Robert and his daughter as the best she’ll ever get?  Does she want the pain?

Teachers' Unions Don't Protect Kids from Bullies

The Teachers’ union is clear: since dues are paid by teachers, not by kids or parents, the union’s job is to protect and increase teachers’ salaries and seniority. I love good teachers.  I come from a family of teachers.  My life has been crucially enriched by teachers.  I teach.

But I won’t support the teachers’ unions focus only on salary and seniority.  There’s something simple the union can do to protect its own members and to get my support.

There’s a war going on in schools and in legislatures right now over bullying.  Should we take strong steps to stop taunting, teasing, harassment, bullying and abuse despite problems in writing good laws, in developing strong policies, in promoting effective programs and in protecting strong principals from law suits by the bullying parents of bullies?

I’m calling out union officials and leaders who have wrung their hands in despair because no one is protecting teachers.  What percent of your lobbying dollars have gone into promoting laws, policies and programs to stop bullies?  How come the union doesn’t organize teachers to picket at legislatures that are considering laws to stop bullying?  Have you see teachers parading with signs saying, “Protect students and teachers.  We need laws to stop bullies”?  How many television ads and letter writing campaigns have the union funded to promote clear action by legislators and school districts; and to remove ones that tolerate bullies? How many more murders and suicides will it take to convince the teachers’ union that its best interests lie in fighting for strong laws?

If I was a teacher in the union, I wouldn’t pay dues to an organization that supposedly represents my best interests but leaves me out to dry because there are no laws or policies to protect me when I challenge bullies and their protective parents.

It’s that simple for me.  When the union takes on the bullies and their parents, I’ll support the union in its other efforts.  I’m in good company.

Teacher manipulated by 'professional victim', a stealth bully

This post is based on the following comment: WOW!!!  I was amazed to find your post, "How do you know if someone is your friend?" right when I needed it most.  I now know what category my daughter's best friend falls under.  My daughter has gone through MOST of the examples that were used in this post with her friend for over 3 years and because there is no hitting involved...it was hard to really label what was going on.  But terming her a "Stealth Bully" is perfect!! I actually can't believe how on target your examples were; they’re so close to what my daughter has been experiencing with a person who was supposed to be her friend.  Just recently, she finally told her supposed friend that she is going to take a break from their relationship because the friend won't stop her negative behavior.  The supposed friend had a fit at school (uncontrollable crying) and got sympathy from other students.  She told everyone my daughter was bullying her and she didn't know why my daughter won't be her friend anymore.  Her supposed friend also manipulated the teacher by breaking out into tears in the classroom and telling the teacher that she has no idea why she is being ignored.

The teacher yelled at my daughter and told her that she will not tolerate any bullying in her class.  My daughter had no chance to explain her side and is devastated at how this has blown up in her face when she is not the bully.

Tears are a very strong weapon when used by manipulative, professional victim children.  I am coaching my daughter now what to say to the teacher because I want her to learn how to stand up for her rights in a respectful way.  I am going to show her your post so that she can understand more what is going on here.  Hopefully this will make her feel better, although right now she feels everyone is on her friend’s side.  Thanks for the post!

**********

Hi,

I’m glad you found the post and that it helped.

Taking what you said as accurate and true, you and your daughter have run into a common manipulative, stealthy bullying tactic.

When someone (your daughter’s supposed friend) cries, most people assume that someone else (your daughter) must have done something bad and should be stopped.  Most people react to their assumptions and attack the designated perpetrator (your daughter).  Your daughter got labeled unfairly and without being allowed to present her side.  Also, the teacher didn’t judge by character, because bullies like your daughter’s supposed friend usually manipulate the same way repeatedly.  They can be recognized by their repeating pattern of behavior – that’s how the get what they want.  And I’d suspect that your daughter doesn’t have a pattern of bullying or abusing her friends.  Shame on that teacher for jumping to conclusions, supporting the bully and blaming the true victim.

A person who uses the crying, victim tactic repeatedly is a special type of manipulative, stealth bully that I call “Professional Victims.”  Your daughter has been victimized by a person using their hurt feelings to gain power and control; a sneaky professional victim.  We often see this between brothers and sisters who want to manipulate their parents.

You’re on the right track coaching your daughter how to stand up for herself.  However, since I suspect that she’s younger than high school age, and since adults sometimes won’t admit error in front of children, you also may need to talk with the teacher and the principal to make your daughter’s case.  Gather evidence, if you can, of other times when the supposed friend has used the same sort of tactics that depend on her feelings being hurt.

Maybe they also need a copy of the original blog post and my book, “How to Stop Bullies in their Tracks.”  My next book, “Parenting Bully-Proof Kids” and a 10 disc CD set containing both books should be out right after Thanksgiving.

Of course, the professional victim is not really a friend of your daughter’s.  Professional victims are selfish, vicious, ruthless control-freaks.  They try to manipulate authorities to defend them and to punish people they’re trying to beat into line.

Your daughter is now testing everyone at school.  She should make her case and then see who is foolish enough to believe the false friend.  Your daughter doesn’t really want to be friends with people who don’t recognize her good character, as opposed to the professional victim’s.  Your daughter may find out that no one at school sees clearly.  Well, now she knows about them.  Be resilient.  Move on and get better friends when she moves up to the next school.  She simply won’t be going to reunions with those people.  No great loss.

I know that may sound difficult if she wants to gain acceptance by a peer group.  But part of her job in life is to test the whole world and keep on her island only the people who see her worth and whom she likes.

Good luck and best wishes.

You can care too much about winning your parents' approval

My last post was about adults who carry to their graves the wounding and scars they got from their parents.  These adults never grow up mentally, emotionally and spiritually.  They never leave their parents’ mental and emotional homes, even if they leave physically. While watching the John Adams mini-series, I saw a classic example.

Whether the program was factual or not, the picture it showed of John and Abigail’s youngest son, Charles, was so typical and true that I’ll comment as if it was factual.

Because John was gone during the Revolutionary years for long periods of time in Philadelphia and Europe, and Abigail also went to Paris, Charles did not get as much of his parents’ love and affection as he wanted.  Charles especially wanted his father’s approval.  But John would never approve of Charles’ lack of serious, studious devotion to a stable career dedicated to building his country and supporting his family.

Forget about what John and Abigail should have done.  We can feel sorry for Charles, but the obvious reality is that Charles was never going to get what he wanted from his parents.  And the more Charles wasted his life in whining, drinking, frivolous daydreams and squandering his talent and money, the less likely that he would get what he wanted from them.

Here’s the key: Charles is faced with an emotional reality that is as real as rain or snow or hail or drought or flood or grasshoppers eating your crops.  What is Charles’ task?  No matter what, Charles has the same task we all have.

We each and all must suck it up and succeed.  We must take responsibility for creating futures that are wonderful, no matter what our givens are.  In my book on how to stop bullies in their tracks, you’ll find a case study of a teenager facing this decision.  But you know it’s true.  You had to face it.  Everyone has to face it.  Charles’ brother, John Quincy, had to face it.  And John Quincy sucked it up successfully, despite not liking it.

As Jawaharlal Nehru said, “Life is like a game of cards.  The hand that is dealt to you represents determinism; the way you play it is free will.” 

Charles ran from the difficult responsibility of being in charge of creating a wonderful future.  He blamed his failures on his parents’ lack of giving him what he wanted.  As if he was the first person not to get enough from his parents.  Do you really think that if John had come home from the Continental Congress in Philadelphia and said that he thought Charles was a delightful, sweet, charming and lovable fellow, with good stuff buried inside, Charles would have become strong, responsible and successful?

Charles wasn’t resilient enough to succeed in the face of the bad weather in his life.  He couldn’t put his parents off to his mental and emotional side.  He wasn’t courageous, strong and hardworking enough for himself, his wife and his child.  He failed.  And history rolls over the failures.

Charles shouldn’t have let his parents’ deficiencies be more important in his life than his future.  His parents – our parents – are not excuses for failing.  Why let people ruin your future if they didn’t give you what you need when you were young and still don’t?  Move beyond them.  Find other parents (older people) who will love and appreciate you.  Find models to inspire you.  Succeed, despite the harsh weather.

What else is worth doing with the energy and days given you?

The best way to get past your childhood is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching so you can:

1. Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.
   
2. Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to create the bully-free life your spirit has always hungered for.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert coaching by phone or Skype.

How Parents can help Stop School Bullying - Videos

I’ve posted two new videos on YouTube about what parents can do to help stop school bullying.

1. How to Stop School Bullying: How Parents Make Kids Victims
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=icJTfMTkM0I&feature=youtu.be

2. How to Stop School Bullying | Evaluating Your School's anti-Bullying Program
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=H7WPz-Me4ZU&feature=youtu.be

The best way to stop bullying of any kind is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching so you can:

1. Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to do your best resolutely, diligently and effectively, and to set boundaries effectively.
2. Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to create a bully-free personal life.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert coaching by phone or Skype.

How to Stop School Bullying - Videos

http://www.bulliesbegone.com/hire_ben.htmlI’ve posted two new videos on YouTube about how to stop school bullying.

1. How to Stop School Bullying | Signs Your Kid is Being Bullied
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dUyidHLYdqE

2. How to Stop School Bullying: Sneaky Intimidation
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gV8lJIf-scY&feature=youtu.be

The best way to stop bullying of any kind is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching so you can:

1. Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to do your best resolutely, diligently and effectively, and to set boundaries effectively.
2. Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to create a bully-free personal life.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert coaching by phone or Skype.

How to Stop Cyberbullying - Videos

I’ve posted two new videos on YouTube about how to stop cyberbullying:

1. How to Stop Cyberbullying | Signs Your Kid is Being Cyberbullied
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aRGeES6fNYs

2. How to Stop Cyberbullying: What Parents Can Do | Protect Your Child from Cyberbullies
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HmqnkwBbQ6k

The best way to stop bullying of any kind is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching so you can:

1. Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to do your best resolutely, diligently and effectively, and to set boundaries effectively.
   
2. Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to create a bully-free personal life.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert coaching by phone or Skype.

How to Stop School Bullying: Evaluating Your School’s Anti-Bullying Program

How can you stop school bullying?  One important step is to learn how to evaluate your school’s anti-bullying program.

Look for five signs so you can judge whether your program will actually stop bullying.  Then we’ll add the key factor that makes or breaks programs.

No matter how well-written or how expensive your school’s stop bullying program is; the ultimate test is always: Does bullying stop?  If bullying stops; great.  But if bullying continues, you must learn what to do to protect your kids from bullying.

There are five “must haves” I put in my effective, anti-bullying school programs:

1. There must be clear and escalating consequences for bullying.  Or is the program full of pious words like “respect,” but no consequences?  Are bullies removed from contact with targets?  Or are targets removed so the principal and teachers and counselors can therapeutize and rehabilitate bullies while they continue harassing their victims?  Do the school attorney and the district administrator actively support the anti-bullying program?  Are police involved at school?
2. There must be lots of publicity for the anti-bullying program in the local media and at school.  Are there assemblies for kids all during the school year?
3. Teachers, school counselors, cafeteria staff and bus drivers must be involved.  Are they taught the signs of subtle manipulation and covert bullying?  Do they know how to recognize “professional victim” bullies?  Do they know what constitutes evidence and how to document what they see and hear?
4. The kids must be excited and involved, and they must have evidence that bullies will be removed.  Are kids taught specifically what to do and who to go to if they’re bullied overtly or covertly?  Are kids taught what to do if they witness bullying?  Or are they left to be spectators and bystanders while targets are made into victims?
5. Parents must be actively involved.  Are all parents notified about the program?  Are there programs for teachers and parents to meet together during the year?  Are “test cases” publicized within the legal bounds of confidentiality?

Now for the single most important factor in making school anti-bullying programs effective: your principal.

1. All plans and programs are just words on pieces of paper.  Even the best plans have no life and power of their own.
2. What gives them life and power is the strength, energy, determination and character of the people involved; most importantly, your principal.
3. Does your principal really want to stop bullying and does he or she really know how?  Is your school principal willing to stand up to bullying kids and their bullying parents who will threaten to sue?
4. In addition to the program, does your principal have an action plan for when bullying occurs – because relentless bullies will push the boundaries of even the best anti-bullying school programs?

Look at your principal’s track record: Have any kids been removed during the past few years?  If your principal is proud that they’ve never had a case of bullying then, probably, bullying is ignored, minimized, condoned or even enabled.  Beware.  Do-nothing principals, even with the best stop bullying programs on paper, can turn targets into victims.

Parents, your task at school is to promote anti-bullying programs and to actively support principals who want to stop bullying and who need your help to back them up.  Organize a small group of committed parents to support your good principals and to pressure your reluctant or cowardly ones to take effective action.

Don’t wait for school administrators, principals, counselors and teachers to empower you and your kid.  Take the power you need and learn to use it skillfully so you can stop harassment, bullying and abuse.

Learn how to fight back against school bullying, verbally, physically and legally.

Principals and other school officials are afraid of two things.  You can use these to stimulate do-nothing, reluctant principals to take action to protect your children, the targets of bullying.  You can even use these fears to stimulate principals who otherwise ignore or even condone bullying by kids and their bullying parents.

The best way to stop bullying at school is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching so you can:

1. Determine if your school’s anti-bullying program is effective or hire Dr. Ben to help your principal develop and implement an effective anti-bullying school program.
2. Develop a plan and master the skills you need to make reluctant principals defend your kids from school bullying.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert coaching by phone or Skype.

How to Stop School Bullying: How Parents Make Kids Victims

http://www.bulliesbegone.com/blog/2008/01/28/how-to-stop-bullies-book-reviewed-in-denver-business-journal/Many well-meaning parents fail their kids.  They don’t prepare their kids to protect themselves from school bullying or, even worse, they turn their kids from targets into victims of harassment, abuse and bullying at school.

Of course, bullies are 100% responsible for bullying.  There are no excuses.

Also, school officials – principals, teachers and even therapists and counselors – often tolerate or even encourage school bullying and harassment by trying to educate and rehabilitate bullies, while they allow the bullying to continue; while they allow your kid to suffer.

But the major causes of problems for good kids are well-meaning parents who make their kids bigger targets for bullies.  These parents give their kids messages that hurt their kids’ chances of stopping abuse and bullying.

Here are 5 things well-meaning parents tell their kids that make them bigger targets for bullies

1. Bullies are bullied at home, they’re hurting inside, so you should accept what they do and forgive them.  Don’t make bullies feel bad.
2. If you ignore bullies, they’ll stop.
3. If you’re nice, kind and reasonable to bullies, they’ll stop bullying and become friends.
4. Never fight back verbally or physically; if you do, bullies will beat you up more.
5. Fighting is wrong; if you do, you’re just as bad; violence never solves problems.

All of these are un-true!

I’m a scientist; I do experiments and look at the results.  If your kid is kindly and nice to a bully, does the bullying stop?  If yes, wonderful.  And the bully was not a relentless bully.  He was just a kid having a bad day or needing to learn how to get along better.

But if the bullying did not stop, or the harassment and abuse got worse, your kid is facing a relentless, bullying predator and you’d better give your kid the truth about the outside world and also the skills about how to face it.

Don’t think you can protect and coddle your kid.  Don’t think that school officials will automatically protect your kid.  Don’t think you can arrange the world so your kid never faces bullies.  While you’re working to make sure your kid’s school has an effective anti-bullying program, teach your kid the truth about the world.

Here are 5 things to tell your kids so they can have the courage, strength and determination to protect themselves; so they don’t become victims:

1. Bullies, like hyenas, are attracted to weak prey – kids who don’t have friends and won’t fight back.  When bullies see that a kid’s feelings are hurt, they take that as an invitation to harass the kids even more.
2. When kids continually ignore bullies, or treat them with kindness and reasonableness, or beg them to stop, bullies take that as an invitation to abuse kids even more.
3. When a bully finds out that your kid won’t fight back, they take that as an invitation to bully even more.
4. Bullies are made bolder when other kids stand by and don’t protest.  Make friends and allies.
5. Bullies stop bullying only when they’re stopped – by your kid’s pushing back or by the authorities stopping them.  When a bully finds out that school principals, teachers or parents won’t stop them, they take that as an invitation to increase bullying.

To stop school bullying, parents must not make their kids into victims.  Instead, prepare your kid to be successful in the outside world.  Prepare your kid to read the signs in the jungle at school and to know how to respond strongly and successfully to harassment, abuse and bullying.  If you don’t, you’re making them bigger targets; you’re responsible for making them victims.

Here’s why telling kids to understand bullies hurts their chances of stopping abuse.  When kids continue trying to understand why bullies bully, they keep excusing the bullying; they keep doing therapy on the bullies and they keep hesitating to push back.

It’s as if your kid is thinking, “Until I understand why the bully is harassing me, I can’t stop it nicely by placating the bully.”

Usually, the best way to stop bullies is to stand up and push back – verbally and physically, if necessary.  Bullies usually respect kids who push back verbally or physically.

Your children may be targets. Don’t let them become victims.  If we don’t stop bullies, they’ll think your kid is easy prey; they’ll harass your kid more.

Instead of giving your kids lies, give your kids the courage, strength and resilience they’ll need so they don’t take attacks to heart, don’t feel helpless and hopeless, and don’t become victims of bullying-caused depression or suicide.

Don’t wait for school administrators or bullies to empower you and your kid.  Take the power you need and learn to use it skillfully so you can stop harassment, bullying and abuse.

The best way to stop controlling, bullying husbands is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching so you can:

1. Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to do your best resolutely, diligently and effectively, and to set boundaries effectively.
2. Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to create a bully-free personal life.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert coaching by phone or Skype.

How to Stop Cyberbullying: Tech-Deficient Parents Can Help

Do you need to be tech savvy in order to protect your kid from cyberbullying and harassment from kids at school?

Many parents think that the major threats to their kids are adult predators who stalk them online.  Those abusive adults are real threats and you can learn how to protect your kids even if you’re not tech savvy.

But adult predators are not the cyberbullies that most kids will encounter.  Your kids are in more danger of harassment, intimidation, abuse and cyberbullying by kids they know at school through their phones and on online social network sites.

Fortunately you do not need to be tech savvy to protect your kids.  With coaching:

1. You can learn how to give your children the courage, strength and resilience they’ll need so they don’t take attacks to heart and don’t become victims of cyberbullying-caused depression or suicide.
2. You can learn what to do to prevent trouble before it starts.  Learn what your kids need to know beyond porno sites, phishers, spammers, sexting and giving away personal information online.
3. You can learn what your children are doing online and on their phones.  Learn how to protect your children from cyberbullying that occurs on social networks and especially on cell phones.
4. You can learn how to respond rapidly and effectively after your children are attacked, including when and how to get the police involved.
5. You can learn what you can do to make sure school officials protect your children – even if they don’t want to take action.

Cyberbullying is beyond school and social network “drama.”  Cyberbullying may be a criminal offense.  If you allow your kids to become victims, cyberbullying can have terrible effects.

Your children may be targets.  Don’t let them become victims.  If you don’t stand up to cyberbullies, they’ll think your kid is easy prey; they’ll just harass and abuse your kid more.

Post #32 – BulliesBeGoneBlog Parenting Bully-Proof Kids
http://www.bulliesbegone.com/blog/2008/12/01/parenting-bully-proof-kids-stop-school-bullies-in-their-tracks/

Let’s focus on step one: Giving your kids the courage, strength and resilience they’ll need so they don’t take attacks to heart and don’t become victims of cyberbullying-caused depression or suicide.

You don’t have to be tech savvy to help your kid be strong enough to stand up to jerks and nasty kids at school.  You lived through your own self-doubt and hesitation when you were young so you know what it takes.

Learn to keep a flame burning in your kid’s heart.  Teach your children to be strong mentally, emotionally and spiritually.

Remember the sign in the movie, “The Bridge to Terabithia,”  “Nothing Crushes Us!”
You and your children need to be that strong, courageous and determined.  Also, learn the skills necessary to be successful.

You know how school bullying was stopped when you were a kid.  Technology has changed but the kids haven’t.  You know what didn’t stop school bullies:

Minimizing, avoiding, or ignoring bullying

Begging, bribing or appeasing committed bullies

Accepting apologies, excuses, justifications and promises ... repeatedly

Giving in to fear, intimidation or blackmail
Convince yourself that the problem is too difficult to solve

Don’t wait for school administrators or cyber-bullies to empower you and your kid.  Take the power you need and learn to use it skillfully so you can stop harassment, abuse and cyberbullying.

BulliesBeGoneBlog Power is Better than Empowerment
http://www.bulliesbegone.com/blog/2011/05/29/power-is-better-than-empowerment/

The best way to stop cyberbullies is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching so you can:

Teach your kids to protect themselves, just like they would if they were growing up in the wilderness where there are predators who would eat them.

Protect your kids from school administrators who won’t defend targets and who may even encourage or collude with cyberbullying kids and their bullying parents.

Post #8 – BulliesBeGoneBlog Stop Bullies book reviewed in Denver Business Journal
http://www.bulliesbegone.com/blog/2008/01/28/how-to-stop-bullies-book-reviewed-in-denver-business-journal/

Since all tactics depend on the situation, expert coaching by phone or Skype helps.  Call me at 1-877-8Bullies to design a plan that fits you and your kid's situation at school.  And build your will and skill to carry it out effectively.

BulliesBeGone Books and CDs
http://www.bulliesbegone.com/products.html

BulliesBeGone Hire Ben
http://www.bulliesbegone.com/hire_ben.htm

How to Stop Cyberbullying: Signs Your Kid is being Harassed

Parents need to learn to recognize the signs that our kids might be the target of cyberbullying and harassment, and how to get the information you need, even if our kids are reluctant to talk.

Observe each child individually and compare with how he/she was before.  Seven signs your kids are harassed, abused or cyberbullied are:

1. Have they stopped checking their phones?  Do they forget or break or lose their phones?  Do they get upset, depressed or angry when they look at their phones?
2. Have their grades slipped?  Have they become reluctant to go to school?  Do they want to transfer schools?
   
3. Have they stopped after-school activities?  Do they want you to pick them up after school?
   
4. Have they stopped talking about school?  Do they say that kids are jerks?  Do they ask about kids ganging up on other kids?
   
5. Have they become emotionally labile – very sensitive, easily upset, moody, grumpy, cry a lot? Have they given up? Do they talk about how hopeless or pointless life is or do they seem depressed or do they talk about suicide?
   
6. Do they isolate themselves – no longer follow social networks, hide in their rooms after school, stop using the computer?  Have they stopped taking care of their personal stuff or how they look?  Do they say that former friends aren’t friends any more?
   
7. Have they stopped eating?  Do they have trouble sleeping or have nightmares?

After you think you’ve seen signs that your kid might be subjected to cyberbullying, harassment or abuse at school, the next step in stopping cyberbullying is to get the information you need, even if your kid is reluctant to talk.

You must be willing to pry and be persistent, no matter how reluctant your child is to talk.

Five questions you can ask are:

1. What’s happening?
   
2. Tell me about cyberbullying, harassment and abuse at school?
   
3. How do the teachers, principal, bus drivers and cafeteria staff protect kids in your school from cyberbullies or drama?
   
4. What happens in your school’s anti-cyberbullying program?
   
5. How do you and your friends stand up to cyberbullies when you see other kids being ganged up on through their computers or phones?

Don’t be a tyrant or inquisitor, but do keep asking.

If you suspect your kid is being subjected to cyberbullying, you can also get information by:

1. Checking your kid’s texts and messages.
   
2. Looking at your kid’s social network pages or what’s being said about them.
   
3. Asking the parents of your kid’s friends.
   
4. Asking teachers, counselors, principal, school district administrators and school board members about cyberbullying and harassment.

Cyberbullying is beyond school and social network “drama.”  It can have terrible effects on kids and it may be a criminal offense.

Consult a specialist lawyer and your police department.  Do they have a special unit dedicated to stopping cybercrimes?  Have representatives spoken at school?

Learn how to make reluctant school administrators take action, even if they say that cyberbullying has been off-campus.

Cyberbullies at school are haters and emotional manipulators.  They try to make your kid feel helpless and hopeless.  They isolate him.

Your kid can never be kind, nice, sweet or caring enough to change these school cyberbullies.  She’s not the rescuer or therapist to solve their psychological problems.  She shouldn’t debate or argue with them, but also shouldn’t ignore them.

If we don’t stop cyberbullies, they’ll think we’re easy prey; they’ll just go after us more.

Your kid may be a target, but he doesn’t have to be a victim.  Fight back.

Parents must learn how to:

• Teach your kids to protect themselves, just like they would if they were growing up in the wilderness where there are predators who would eat them.
• Protect your kids from school administrators who won’t defend targets and who may even encourage or collude with cyberbullying kids and their bullying parents.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, expert coaching by phone or Skype helps.  Call me at 1-877-8Bullies to design a plan that fits you and your kid's situation at school.  And build your will and skill to carry it out effectively.

How to Stop School Bullying: Recognize Sneaky School Bullies

Stopping school bullying that is overt – physical violence or threats; nasty verbal and emotional intimidation in public – is relatively easy because the bullying is in public.  There will be witnesses and our kids might be able to get evidence, including recordings on their smart phones. How to stop school bullying that is covert – sneaky, manipulative, backstabbing, cutting out, putting down, embarrassing, demeaning – is usually more difficult.

The first step in how to stop school bullies is to recognize their tactics as bullying so you can gather your courage, strength and skill to protect yourself.

Part of good parenting means that we teach our children the seven early warning signs of stealthy, critical, righteous, controlling bullies at school.

1. They make the rules; they control everything – what your kid can do, where she can go, who she can be friends with.
2. They push boundaries, argue endlessly and withhold friendship if your kid doesn’t do exactly what they want.  Your kid must never disagree or keep them waiting.
3. Their standards rule.  Your kid’s "no" isn't accepted as "no." The controlling bully is always right and your kid is always wrong.  The stealth bully never apologizes.  She always has excuses and justifications.  The sneaky bully’s sense of humor is right so she doesn’t think she’s harassing, abusing or bullying your kid.  Your kid is merely too sensitive. Your kid’s issues generally don't get dealt with.  The stealth bully’s concerns are more important so they can ignore your kid’s wishes.
4. They control your kid with their disapproval, name-calling, demeaning putdowns, blame and guilt.  No matter what your kid does; she’s wrong or not good enough.  Or they control your kid with their hyper-sensitive, hurt feelings and threats to cut off the friendship and be hurt and retaliate forever.  The bully will spread lies and rumors and ruin your kid’s reputation.
5. Your kid is afraid she'll trigger a violent rage or an everlasting vendetta at school.  She walks on eggshells.  The controlling bully intimidates her with words and weapons.  The stealth bully threatens her and her favorite things.  Your kid is told that she’s to blame if the stealth bully is angry.  Your kid feels emotionally blackmailed, intimidated and drained.  She’s afraid of the ongoing control and bullying at school.
6. Your kid’s told she’s ugly, poorly dressed, incompetent, and helpless and she wouldn’t have other friends without the stealth bully to guide her.
7. They isolate your kid.  She’s not allowed to see other friends or tell you what’s going on.

Post #353 – BulliesBeGoneBlog How to Stop School Bullying: Getting Information

How can stealth bullies cause more damage than overt bullies at school?

1. Because kids don’t recognize and label these manipulators as bullies, kids don’t resist them.
2. The manipulated kids take on the blame and feel guilty.  They think it’s their fault.  They must have done something wrong since the stealth bully is angry.
3. They try to please the stealth bully.  They try to be perfect according to the bully.
4. They lose a sense of themselves and they become helpless and powerless.
5. Later in life, they’ll easily fall under the spell of controlling, abusive spouses and bosses.  They’ll accept the abuse because they’ll think it’s their fault.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, expert coaching by phone or Skype helps.  Call me to design a plan that fits you and your kid's situation at school.  And build your will and skill to carry it out effectively.