Alice (fictitious name) could never get her toxic, adult son to understand how hurtful and out of control his behavior was, especially in public. In front of the extended family at holiday gatherings or even guests in a restaurant, he would be super-critical, sarcastic and nasty. He loudly called her a horrible mother who never loved him and who’d ruined his life. Nothing she ever did was good enough.
She knew he was bullying, abusive and narcissistic, but she felt trapped. She’d never make a scene, even though he’d never accept all the examples she presented of what she’d done for him and the verbal abuse that she’d tolerated. She always tried to set an example of loving kindness, compassion and forbearance. But he never followed her example.
Then she realized that her parents had treated her the same way, only quieter and more manipulative with their guilt trips and their certainty about what was proper behavior for her. And her husband and some supposed friends had also pushed her against the old rules she had about what was proper behavior, and how she was allowed to respond to bullying and abuse.
Growing up, Alice had been taught by her parents, teachers and people at church:
Be nice, give people what they want, and people will be nice in return. If you love people enough and make them happy enough, they’ll love you in return.
Never sink to the level of a nasty person, set a good example of nice, kind, loving behavior. Don’t act in anger; if you do, you’re even worse than they are.
If you’re five percent responsible, you must clear up all your imperfections first.
Never say “No” to other people. Put other people first, put yourself last. If you ask for what you want or don’t want, you’re selfish.
If people haven’t learned to be good to you, you haven’t been teaching good enough. If they don’t respect your wishes, it’s because there’s something wrong with you or the way you ask.
Never make a scene, always hint what you want to people in the nicest way.
There were many other rules, but you get the idea.
Alice realized that her son and the people who preached those old rules, didn’t follow them.
Alice now knew that they beat those rules into her so they could manipulate and control her. They just used those rules to make Alice be their servant; to use and abuse her. They were thrilled when Alice accepted those rules and put their wishes first and her own feelings last. Alice realized their demands were endless. And she was never allowed to ask for or to do what she wanted. Everyone else came first. She counted only when she was their servant.
What’s wrong with those old ideas, beliefs, rules and roles?
The main problem with all the rules Alice or any of us took in when we were children is that we took them in when we were children; with a child’s understanding of when and where and how to apply them. That means, usually, we took them in as all-or-none, black-or-white. Therefore, we cannot apply them effectively as adults living in an adult world with many people who want what they want and who may or may not care about us.
Those rules, applied as children, are not effective strategies in dealing successfully with the adult world.
Alice finally considered the question, “How old do you have to be before you get to make up your own rules.
Alice started laughing. She said she realized she had to throw out all those old, childhood rules completely from her life. She had to create, as an adult, new, more effective rules about how to act in every area of life and with the different people she met. With some people, she would have the same rules but applied with adult understanding and skill. In other situations, she would have different guidelines. She decided she was old enough to use her own experience and adult wisdom to make up her own mind.
What did Alice do?
She began with her son. She spoke up calmly in public when he started abusing her. She told him she wasn’t accepting that behavior anymore. If he wanted to interact with her, he had to be polite and civil. She openly apologized to guests for her son’s behavior, simply saying that he was entitled and narcissistic, and hadn’t learned good manners. She’d never inflict him on nice people again.
And she acted on those words. She either accepted with good grace his storming off, or she excused herself and left. Then she went no-contact with him for increasing periods of time until he began to behave himself.
Then she turned to her husband and her parents and her supposed friends.
She never debated or argued with them. She said, matter-of-factly, these are my rules and I’m going to act on them.
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