BulliesBeGone.com in Top 20 Bullying Blogs

We’ve been selected #6 in Top 20 Bullying Blogs by Anuj Agarwal, founder of Feedspot, and his panel.

You can see the whole list at http://blog.feedspot.com/bullying_blogs/.

We’re honored to be first on the list that’s not an organization – government, educational, collections of posts.

We focus on counseling, coaching and consulting to individuals and organizations to stop hostility, intimidation, abuse and bullying by toxic, narcissistic individuals and groups at home, in relationships and personal life, in schools and in the workplace.

Create bully-free relationships with spouses, partners, children, teens, friends, parents, bosses, co-workers and employees.

Overcome fear, hesitation, shame and guilt.  Get rid of old beliefs, attitudes, rules and roles.

Stop wishing for your problems to go away.  Instead, take effective action.

Of course, there are many complications depending on your situation.  The best way to learn how to take power in your life and to be the person you want to be is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and counseling so you can:

1. Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.
2. Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to create the life your spirit has always hungered for.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert counseling and coaching by phone or Skype.

Stop Toxic boundary-pushers

Toxic boundary-pushers come in all shapes and sizes - husbands, wives, parents, adult children, friends, dates, co-workers.

Some are open in trying to beat you into submission.  Others are sneaky and manipulative.  Typical tactics include:

• They’re narcissistic; only their wants and reasons (excuses, justifications) matter.  You count only to give them what they want at the moment.  They change their demands and reasons anytime they feel like it.
• They want you to argue with their reasons because they’ll never concede a point or agree with you.  You’ll never get their understanding or permission to do anything different from what they want.  You’ll be trapped arguing until you give in.
• They’ll use emotional blackmailing words like “You’re uncaring, selfish, demanding, disagreeable, not nice, too proud or stubborn.”
• They always know best; they’re right and righteous.  They’re bullies who mastered their techniques and methods.
• Sometimes they’ll be sweet but your experience tells you that they want you to relax before they push the next boundary or make the next demand.
• When you try to make peace through negotiation, you’re the only one who gives anything.  Then they start pushing the boundaries you agreed upon in order to start a new round of negativity and harassment until you concede some more.
• You know you’re facing one when you feel pushed, controlled and abused.  Your vote never counts when it goes against theirs.

Appeasement and bribery never succeed because they always want more.  You know that from your own experience.

You can’t stop them by being nice and reasonable.  They have totally different meaning for those words.  To them “nice” and “reasonable” mean you do what they want.

They only way I’ve ever seen to have a chance is to be firm about what you will and won’t do.

• You can learn to be calm and smiling and firm at the same time.
• Never try to justify yourself.  They will win if you debate or argue.  Just keep repeating your original declaration until you feel like walking away.
• Then walk (or hang up or send them away).  Threats without consequences are bribery.  Simply apply the consequences with a smile.

Enjoy taking back control of yourself.

Remember, you’ll be condemned whatever you do or don’t do so do what you want with joy.  They don’t get to vote

Don’t believe them they try to convince you that you’re helpless and resistance is futile.

Of course, there are many complications depending on your situation.  The best way to learn how to stop being used, manipulated and bullied is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and counseling so you can:

1. Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.
2. Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to create the life your spirit has always hungered for.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert coaching by phone or Skype.

At work, remove people who fight to the death about everything

Some people like to fight to the death about everything.  Sometimes that’s a useful quality, but in general, at work you must remove those people.  But since they’ll enjoy a lengthy and nasty legal fight, what’s the best way of doing it?

You know people who are relentless bullies.  If they’re overt, they’ll criticize, harass, yell, threaten and abuse their targets in public.  If they’re sneaky, covert bullies, they’ll bad-mouth, back-stab, misinterpret everything, spread rumors and get other people fighting.  They’re enraged and seeking support against the latest perceived injustice.  They enjoy turmoil, chaos and drama.

You also know people who resist everyone else, especially authority.  They’re negative, critical and demeaning.  They always know why other people are wrong and delight in pointing out mistakes and faults.  They want to be in absolute control of their own turf.  They love a fight to the death with no-holds barred.

All these people feel wronged, righteous and outraged.  Someone will pay.

Don’t consider excusing their behavior with platitudes that they grew up in horrible families and had to fight to get free, or that they grew up in New York City where everyone fights about everything.  Focus on their individual choices and simply on the behavior that you must have in order to maintain a highly productive workplace.

You must terminate them.  But you know they’ll create hostility, dissention, fighting cliques and chaos all around them.  Work will grind to a halt while their fight becomes the center of attention and emotions.  Then they’ll file a hostile-workplace suit.

Your task is to eliminate the high cost of low attitudes.  So how to proceed?

• If the case against them is clear-cut, you have good documentation and they’re universally disliked you can walk them out as soon as possible and let the lawyers deal with them.
• But if there are some problems on both sides and they’re merely very difficult people with a few friends and a few of their charges are accurate or debatable, I don’t recommend a protracted legal fight.  These fights drag in everyone to testify.  They focus everyone on the fight, not on work.  Productivity will dry up and there will be huge emotional debris.  The aftermath usually takes 9-12 months to sort out and the bad blood will lead to significant turn over.  Avoid the carnage.  Buy out the trouble if you can and let the lawyers write a clause preventing further problems.  You’ll save much more money by bargaining to a generous severance package.  Don’t worry about setting a precedent.  You’ll have time and productivity while you improve management.

Sometimes you get lucky.  These hostile, angry people sometimes lose control, explode and publically quit.  Immediately accept their resignation in writing.  Don’t think 10 seconds about it.

You know you’ve done the right thing when everyone in the office heaves a huge sigh of relief.  They can get back to work without the on-going tension, hostility and bad blood.

The best way to learn how to create a highly productive and bully-free workplace is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and counseling so you can:

1. Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.
2. Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to create the productive workplace culture you want.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert coaching and consulting by phone or Skype.

Test: Who are the bullies?

When I go into a workplace to train or consult, I ask: “Who are the bullies?”  If people say, “We don’t know” or “We haven’t had any ever,” they’re probably in trouble.

When I talk with principals, counselors and teachers in a school, I ask, “Who are the bullies and where in the school do they bully?”  If the answer is, “We don’t know” or “We’ve never had any,” they’re probably in trouble.

When I counsel or coach people about their personal and family lives, I ask, “Who are the bullies and what have you done about it?”  If the answer is, “There are no bullies in our extended family” or “It’s not so bad” or “That’s just the way they are,” I know they’re in trouble.  They’re probably minimizing or excusing the behavior and damage, or covering it up (family secrets).

In any group of about 30 people, there’s at least one person who uses bullying tactics.  Often, that bully has created a clique or mob.  In addition to my experience, there are even studies showing that.

Some people are aghast that I ask those questions.  They say, “Won’t the label stigmatize those people?”  Of course, the answer is that they are already stigmatized.  Everyone knows who the bullies are.

Also stigmatized already are the supposed responsible authorities who ignore, condone or even encourage harassment, negativity, bullying and abuse.  Everyone know who allows bullying to continue, who gives bullies space and power to do their worst.

The first step to protect the targets is to expose and label bullying behavior and the perpetrators and predators.  The second step is to change the situation.

The best way to learn how to create a bully-free environment is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and counseling so you can:

1. Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.
2. Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to create the life your spirit has always hungered for.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert coaching by phone or Skype.

Kindle Book – "How to Stop Bullies in Their Tracks," 2nd edition

“How to Stop Bullies in Their Tracks,” 2nd edition, is finally published as a Kindle Edition.  

You can find it at: http://www.amazon.com/dp/B00KI43XLG

Stop bullying and toxic relationships at home and at work. Stop controllers, critics, relentless arguers, exploders, manipulators, narcissists, perfectionists, abusers, passive-aggressives, emotional intimidators and self-bullying

"How to Stop Bullies in Their Tracks," Second Edition, will show you how to apply lessons from 20 case studies to end bullying in your personal life and at work.

• Early warning signs of overt and sneaky bullies.
• Nine ineffective approaches you should stop using.
• The three strategies that will be successful.
• A five-step process to thwart the most determined bullies.
• Stop self-bullying before it destroys your life.
• How to protect your personal ecology.

If you:

• Live in frustrating, painful, toxic, hostile relationships or a marriage full of drudgery and pain.
• Get worn down by passive aggressive manipulation, negativity, criticism, harassment, control, emotional intimidation, endless arguing, bullying or abuse.
• Suffer in silence – watching yourself or your spouse, your children or friends get bullied.
• Can’t protect yourself from bullying bosses or co-workers.
• Try to be sweet and nice, reasonable and understanding, people pleasing and serving others, and still get bullied.

This book is for you!

These case studies demonstrate methods that will help you take power and stop bullies in any situation in personal life, at school and at work. Learn how to:

• Recognize and stop sneaky bullies in any relationship – on first dates or even if you are married with children; with toxic parents, toxic adult children or narcissistic friends; at work and at school.
• Set effective boundaries so you can get treated like you want.
• Have the loving, long-term relationships and friendships you desire.
• Create a bully-free environment.

Go beyond magical thinking – searching for a technique that will work instantly, easily and last forever. With this book you can learn real-world methods to:

• Change your mind-set.
• Build character, courage and skill.
• Stop bullying spouses, dates, parents, children, relatives and friends.
• Stop bullying bosses and co-workers.

The best way to learn how to stop bullies in personal life and at work is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and counseling so you can:

1. Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.
2. Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to create the bully-free life your spirit has always hungered for.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert coaching by phone or Skype.

Accept responsibility only when you have authority

John knew his manager was jealous of him and had been out to get him for a long time.  But when the manager assigned John’s team a prestigious and difficult task, John figured his boss had relented and was making a peace offering.  John would be in the spotlight.  He’d have a chance to shine.

John immediately and eagerly accepted the challenge.  As it turned out, that was a mistake. John should have been more wary.  He should have stopped to specify the parameters of the project before agreeing to take the assignment.

After the company announced John was in charge of the new project, calls came from important people congratulating him on getting this high-profile responsibility.

Then strange things began to happen.

To read the rest of this article from the Nashville Business Journal, see:
Survival Strategy: Accept responsibility only when you have authority

John’s manager laid the groundwork for John to fail.  His negativity, harassment and demeaning actions undercut John’s effectiveness and his team’s chances of success.

There are two major lessons for John. The first one: Never accept a gift from an enemy.  Just ask the Trojans about that wooden horse they accepted from the Greeks.

The second lesson for John: Accept responsibility and accountability only when you have authority.

The traps John fell for started with accepting responsibility and accountability without the necessary authority or decision-making power.  It wasn’t fair.  But “unfair” as a defense won’t save you.  The world still operates the way it always has.  You must protect yourself by recognizing hidden agendas and by following a few simple guidelines:

1. Never accept a gift from an enemy.
2. Never accept responsibility and accountability unless you have authority.
3. Never let unfair attacks by your enemies go unanswered.  It’s important to defend yourself.  Think tactically, get allies to help you and document what’s happening.

The best way to learn how to recognize and stop bullies who are out to get you is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and organizational consulting to create a workplace culture you want.

Design and implement an effective plan that eliminates the high cost of low attitudes.  To get the help you need, call Ben at 1-877-828-5543.

How to Stop Bullies in Their Tracks, 2nd Edition

“How to Stop Bullies in Their Tracks, 2nd Edition” is finally published in softcover and also in a Kindle edition.

You can find the soft cover here.

The Kindle version can be found here.

Stop bullying and toxic relationships at home and at work.  Stop controllers, critics, relentless arguers, exploders, manipulators, narcissists, perfectionists, abusers, passive-aggressives, emotional intimidators and self-bullying

How to Stop Bullies in Their Tracks, Second Edition, will show you how to apply lessons from 20 case studies to end bullying in your personal life and at work.

• Early warning signs of overt and sneaky bullies.
• Nine ineffective approaches you should stop using.
• The three strategies that will be successful.
• A five-step process to thwart the most determined bullies.
• Stop self-bullying before it destroys your life.
• How to protect your personal ecology.

If you:

• Live in frustrating, painful, toxic, hostile relationships or a marriage full of drudgery and pain.
• Get worn down by passive aggressive manipulation, negativity, criticism, harassment, control, emotional intimidation, endless arguing, bullying or abuse.
• Suffer in silence – watching yourself or your spouse, your children or friends get bullied.
• Can’t protect yourself from bullying bosses or co-workers.
• Try to be sweet and nice, reasonable and understanding, people pleasing and serving others, and still get bullied.

This book is for you!

These case studies demonstrate methods that will help you take power and stop bullies in any situation in personal life, at school and at work.  Learn how to:

• Recognize and stop sneaky bullies in any relationship – on first dates or even if you are married with children; with toxic parents, toxic adult children or narcissistic friends; at work and at school.
• Set effective boundaries so you can get treated like you want.
• Have the loving, long-term relationships and friendships you desire.
• Create a bully-free environment.

Go beyond magical thinking – searching for a technique that will work instantly, easily and last forever.  With this book you can learn real-world methods to:

• Change your mind-set.
• Build character, courage and skill.
• Stop bullying spouses, dates, parents, children, relatives and friends.
• Stop bullying bosses and co-workers.

The best way to learn how to stop bullies in their tracks is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and counseling so you can:

1. Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.
2. Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to get toxic polluters out of your life so you have space for the wonderful people who will want to be with you.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert coaching by phone or Skype.

Stop verbal polluters and toxic waste dumpers in your work space

You know who the verbal polluters and toxic waste dumpers are in your workplace.  The question is: How do you avoid them or get them to go somewhere else?

Sometimes the polluters and dumpers simply give you too much information about their personal lives or physical ailments.  Or they just love the sound of their voices.  They can spend all day going from person to person with their stories while you’re trying to get your work done.

Some spread vicious gossip, rumors and innuendos – more information than you want about anyone else’s personal life.  Or they vent their nastiness and anger, not once but endlessly.  Or they complain continually about their favorite injustices, divisive agendas and latest targets.  They want you to join their cliques to ostracize or attack today’s scapegoat.

It’s like being back in school.  They’re the mean girls and boys who majored in put-downs and cutting out.  They’re bullies who have gotten sneakier at bullying.

To read the rest of this article from the Denver Business Journal, see:
Stop verbal polluters and toxic waste dumpers in your work space

It’s too boring, wasteful, sleazy and manipulative.  You feel like someone just threw up all over your workspace.  After they leave you want to take a shower, change clothes and call in the Merry Maids to get rid of the stench.

“Polluters” and “toxic waste dumpers” are strong words.  But I think they’re accurate.  You can mop up a little.  But if you let it go on, it’ll ruin your environment and suck you under.  Eventually, you won’t be able to function effectively.

But if it doesn’t involve specific comments that would be defined as harassment or creating a hostile workplace, what can you do to protect your personal ecology?

To read the rest of this article from the Denver Business Journal, see:

Stop verbal polluters and toxic waste dumpers in your work space

Persevere.  Polluters want to convince you they’re more determined than you are.

Nothing about this may seem fair but that’s the way it is.  There’s no law against prevalent verbal pollution.  You have to guard your personal ecology on your own.

Of course, we face the same type of polluters in our personal lives.  But we have a much wider range of possible responses there.

The best way to learn how to stop verbal polluters and toxic waste dumpers is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and organizational consulting to create a workplace culture you want.

Design and implement an effective plan that eliminates the high cost of low attitudes.  To get the help you need, call Ben at 1-877-828-5543.

Donald Sterling doesn’t want forgiveness

Donald Sterling now claims he made a mistake and that he wants forgiveness.

He’s lying on both counts.

Donald Sterling didn’t make a mistake.
A mistake is something minor; something about which you can say, “Oops,” and everyone laughs.  Donald Sterling thinks and said some horrible, atrocious, demeaning things.  Donald Sterling wants to minimize the nature of what he said by calling his thoughts and words “mistakes.”  No, they’re much worse.  And the debt owed is much greater.

Donald Sterling doesn’t want forgiveness.
He want to get off with a free pass.  He wants to be let off the hook.  He wants no consequences.  That’s not “forgiveness,” that’s a free opportunity to stay in the same position to do the same things.

And he wants to have to make no amends or to be the one who decides what amends are called for.  The NBA has already determined the amends required.

Three year old kids might be given a free pass one time when they confess and promise never to be bad again.  Or when their excuse is that someone dared them to do it or baited them.  But adults don’t get forgiven their debts and simply walk away.  We hold them to a higher standard and we have consequences for crimes.

I wonder how many debts Donald Sterling forgave his tenants for as he amassed his millions.

There’s a big difference between forgiveness and no consequences.  And sneaky bullies always try to confuse us by saying those words mean the same thing and there should be no consequences or amends for what they’ve done.  And we should give them the same opportunity to harass, abuse and bully us again.

The best way to learn how to stop sneaky, manipulative bullies is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and counseling so you can:

1. Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.
2. Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to get bullying and manipulation out of your life.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert coaching by phone or Skype.

Am I bullying when I resist a bully?

Tom was being bullied by someone he’d known for years.  With a smile and a soft voice, the other guy put Tom down relentlessly, mocked him or shouted at him publically, stabbed him in the back and spread rumors about him.  Tom had tried to ignore the negativity and criticism all that time or to rise above the harassment and abuse.  

When Tom finally labeled the other guy as a bully, he wanted to defend himself and he wanted to strike back.  Even though he felt like his blood was being poisoned by this snake, he hesitated.  His questions were typical: If I resist, am I a bully?  If I strike back, am I a bully?

I’ve been vague about the situation because, even though this was at work, the same pattern plays out in all areas of life – when spouses are relentless in demeaning their partners, when toxic parents or adult children spread their poison, when grown siblings fight, when extended family members attack someone, when supposed friends cut someone down, and, of course, at school.

If I resist and fight back, am I a bully?
No.  It’s that simple.

Tom must protect himself from a relentless predator who’s trying to feed off him and get him fired.  Predators like sharks or hyenas won’t quit when we’re nice to them.  Since the other guy is waging war, Tom must do whatever he needs to in order to protect himself.  He’s not bullying.  The other guy will show Tom how far he has to go in order to win.

Initially, Tom would have stopped attacking the other guy if the other guy had stopped trying to get Tom fired.  But now it’s a matter of survival.  Tom say, “I forgive him and I’ll bury him.

Good for Tom.  He needs to protect himself and his family from the predator.

The best way to free yourself from self-doubt and to stop bullies is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and counseling so you can:

1. Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.
2. Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to create the bully-free life your spirit has always hungered for.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert coaching by phone or Skype.

Don't let relentless critics drive you down

Taking feedback well and using it to improve your performance is important.

But recognizing relentless criticism meant to destroy you and responding appropriately is equally important.

To read the rest of this article from the Denver Business Journal, see:
Don’t let relentless critics drive you down

For example, Tom hired three top people for his team of 10.  Within a week, they began questioning all Tom’s decisions and even his suggestions.  The relentless criticism was led by John, the senior of the three people, and took place both in one-to-one interactions and in team meetings.

Led by John, the questioning shifted from demeaning, innocuous cuts to open criticism of his capabilities, track record and leadership style.  Every small mistake was magnified into a major setback.  Tom was subjected to continual and personal negativity, harassment, bullying and abuse.  Overall team performance suffered.

Still, Tom accepted all this with good grace.  He wanted to be a better manager and he wanted his staff to think of him as a nice guy – open and considerate.

As the criticism grew, Tom’s self-doubt grew while his confidence and self-esteem plummeted.  How could he have thought he was so competent when so many other people had their doubts about him?  He must have been really lucky to have succeeded all those years despite his now-glaring faults.

When Tom hadn’t responded effectively to the first round of attacks, John and his allies had become bolder.  The more John allowed himself to be pushed, the more they pushed his boundaries.

Why had people joined John?  Most people try to figure out the rules of the road wherever they are.  They try to fit in with whoever seems to have the power.

When there’s a power vacuum, as Tom had allowed, someone will move in to claim the territory.  For the betterment of the whole team, don’t allow the most nasty, selfish, manipulative people to claim the power.

The best way to learn how to stop relentless critics who gain power and control is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and organizational consulting.

Design and implement an effective plan that eliminates the high cost of low attitudes.  To get the help you need, call Ben at 1-877-828-5543.

Don't let 'professional victims' gain power

April is a bully.  But you might not recognize her as one because she portrays herself as a perpetual victim.  And that makes her bullying hard to discern – and even harder to fix.

So what do you do with “professional victims” whose feelings are always hurt, who are always angry, complain about everything and demand that the workplace be made to suit their convenience?

First, you need to recognize that they’re bullies who use their super-sensitive, hurt feelings to gain power and control.

To read the rest of this article from the Denver Business Journal, see:
Don’t let ‘professional victims’ gain power

April became an unofficial power center in the team because her latest manager tried to pacify her by giving in to whatever she wanted.  Other people on the team saw April had power and control, and either became part of her gang or got out of the way as best they could.

Finally, April’s manager decided to act.  The result of his actions was that as April lost power and control, other members of the team began to leave her clique.  They stepped forward to expose some of the dirty tricks April had used in her rise to power.

The professional victims you bend over backwards for, like April, are the ones most likely to file grievances when you stop giving them everything they want.  They’ve been trained to think they’re entitled to special treatment.  But with your good documentation, they won’t win.

April’s manager had finally seen the light: He couldn’t sacrifice everyone else on the team to please one person.  He saw that if he gave April any fraction of what she demanded, she’d never stop complaining.  He couldn’t let her become the ruler of the team.  That was his responsibility.

Professional victims can control individuals, families and groups in personal life also.  But, like splinters, they can be removed.

The best way to learn how to stop professional victims who gain power and control is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and organizational consulting.

Design and implement an effective plan that eliminates the high cost of low attitudes.  To get the help you need, call Ben at 1-877-828-5543.

How to handle relentless boundary pushers at work

Negotiation and compromise are required tactics when we try to deal with unhappy or squabbling employees.  But when dealing with relentless boundary pushers, these approaches amount to appeasement.

To read the rest of this article from Business First of Louisville, see:
How to handle relentless boundary pushers at work

How do you recognize relentless boundary pushers?    

• Boundary pushers come in all sizes, shapes, sexes and levels in an organization.
• They always have reasonable explanations for their complaints and requests.  Although each demand might seem reasonable, there is a pattern.
• As soon as they receive anything through negotiation and compromise, they begin pushing another boundary.
• Pushers are relentless, selfish, narcissistic bullies.  They harass people and abuse the system.
• Pushers become unofficial power centers.

Two things should be clear:

1. You can’t negotiate or appease relentless boundary pushers to get them to stop pushing.
2. If you give in to their continued pushing, you’ll destroy professionalism and productivity in your team and your company.

I’d like to tell you that dealing with these boundary pushers is easy.  But it isn’t.  Boundary pushers aren’t satisfied with any exceptions you make on their behalf.  To them, it’s just an invitation to ask for more.

The best way to learn how to stop boundary pushers is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and organizational consulting.

Design and implement an effective plan that eliminates the high cost of low attitudes.  To get the help you need, call Ben at 1-877-828-5543.

Childish adults can ruin a workplace

If adults who act like spoiled kids are allowed to run your workplace, they’ll ruin it – and drive you crazy in the process.

Many qualities associated with children are wonderful and even necessary for a successful workplace – enthusiasm, creativity and passion, to name a few.  But self-centered, manipulative, controlling adult-children are disruptive.

Do you recognize these seven typical, destructive children and their behavioral patterns?

To read the rest of this article from the Buffalo Law Journal, Business First of Buffalo, see:
Childish adults can ruin a workplace

1. Every toy is mine. “I want it now. I’m more important than anything else. My feelings count more than anyone else’s.”
2. Look at me. “Constantly tell me I’m wonderful.”
3. I’m always right. “I’m always the smartest. I’m better than anyone else.”
4. Please me. “Make everything perfect the way I want it. If you don’t do things my way, you’ll be sorry.”
5. Poor me. “I take everything personally. Your job is to make me feel good. I’m sensitive. Don’t hurt my feelings or there’ll be trouble.”
6. You can’t make me do anything or follow the rules.
7. Passive-aggressive. “I’m the most wonderful, sweet, humble, considerate person.”

I hope you recognize the havoc these spoiled adult-children cause in the workplace.

Unlike on television or in the movies, the real world problems with these spoiled-child adults don’t always turn out for the best.  Most of the spoiled adult-children we meet have been behaving like that for years.  They don’t see the light and change.  They’re not found out and disposed of.

What you can do to insulate yourself or to stop them depends on many factors, including the relationship.

Unfortunately, people often tolerate the manipulative, bullying, abusive and disruptive behavior.  Coworkers duck and run for cover saying: “That’s just the way he or she is.  Who wants to waste their time doing something about it?”

That approach simply enables the adult-child to run the office and ruin it.  After a short time, nobody wants to come to work and the best people develop exit strategies.

The best way to learn how to change the culture of your workplace, is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and organizational consulting.

Design and implement an effective plan that eliminates the high cost of low attitudes.  To get the help you need, call Ben at 1-877-828-5543.

Bosses who want to be liked will probably fail

When your employees like you, they’re more likely to do their best for you -- and overlook some of your weaknesses.

But there are times when a desire to be liked can get in the way of your success.

Three important questions to ask yourself:

To read the rest of this article from the Portland Business Journal, see:
Bosses who want to be liked will probably fail

But the promotion triggered in Harry an intense desire to be liked by the people he supervised.  He didn’t want to be thought of as a tyrant or jerk, or as uncaring and unsympathetic.  He thought that if he gave everyone what they wanted, they’d be nice and more productive in return.  He also thought his manager would be impressed if she got reports that his staff liked him.

Consequently Harry went along with every request for personal time off, every suggested change in the physical work environment, substandard quality of work and relaxation of every deadline.

Harry’s desire to be liked and resulting attempts to avoid conflict had created huge conflicts both within the team and in their interactions with other groups.

Harry started succeeding when he started acting according to his answers to a series of questions:

Harry realized that behavioral and performance standards are more important than being liked by the wrong people for the wrong reasons.  Harry could set standards and communicate in an honest and decent way.  People who performed well and acted professionally liked him for the atmosphere he helped create and for the success they enjoyed.  Being disliked by other people was fine.

By the way, these lists can be useful in your personal life, too.

The best way to learn how to manage an efficient and effective team, is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and organizational consulting.

Design and implement an effective plan that eliminates the high cost of low attitudes.  To get the help you need, call Ben at 1-877-828-5543.

No, your feelings aren't that important in the workplace

You might expect kids or teenagers to think their feelings matter more than anything else.

But by the time you’re an adult, you should know better.  Feelings matter but tasks and relationships usually matter more.

Some simple examples I encountered recently:

To read the rest of this article from the Minneapolis/St. Paul Business Journal, see:
No, your feelings aren’t that important in the workplace

These people think they can act out in any way they want in order to express themselves.  They look and sound like the spoiled brats from “Willie Wonka and the Chocolate Factory.”

I call them “professional victims,” because they’re bullies who gain power and control by acting as if they’ve been wronged or victimized.  Other people cater to them in order to avoid the next explosion or they rush in to make them happy at someone else’s expense.

Some people see this kind of behavior as generational - something a spoiled younger generation does because they were raised to think their feelings are the most important things in the world.  And some might see it as the behavior of technology geeks who don’t have good inter-personal skills.

Not so in the cases I listed.  My examples involve people in their 50s, not their 20s.  They weren’t new in the workplace.  They should have known better.

Of course, feelings can be useful signals about what we like or don’t like.  But it’s a mistake to think we can or should act out in any way they drive us.

Manners have come in for a lot of criticism as outmoded and silly conventions, or as conventions one culture tries to force on another culture.  These are very limited understandings.

Manners and “professional behavior” are a kind of grace.  As Willard Spiegelman points out in his book, “Seven Pleasures,” the good grace of manners is the bedrock of a diverse society.  Grace and manners encourage and require civility.  Without them, we cannot have high standards of professional behavior and we descend into a free-for-all of self-expression.

In a free-for-all atmosphere where anything goes, the first casualties are self-discipline, restraint, tasks - and success.

The best way to learn how to create a civil, polite and results-oriented culture in your workplace, is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and organizational consulting.

Design and implement an effective plan that eliminates the high cost of low attitudes.  To get the help you need, call Ben at 1-877-828-5543.

Stop workplace bullies and mobs; don't be a victim

What do you do if your coworkers gang up against you?

If one person dislikes you, you may be able to be able to communicate logically and rationally to build bridges and work through whatever’s bothering them.

But once a gang or mob has started attacking you, a reasonable approach isn’t effective and actually invites more pain.

For example:

To read the rest of this article from the Orlando Business Journal, see:
Stop workplace bullies and mobs; don’t be a victim

Suddenly it became clear. They were plotting to get her. But why? What had she done to them?

Though people who participate in these mobs always have reasons and justifications that blame the target for their bad behavior, those reasons aren’t really what motivate the attacks.

Mobbing is simply a part of human nature.  People gang up on others to exert power or control, or for the thrill of participating in a gang.  Or it can simply be the nastiness of little boys or girls who pull the legs off ants.  Sometimes, people are afraid of resisting and becoming targets also.  We have a natural, human desire to be on the winning team.

You won’t be able to stop a mob by asking them nicely to stop.  Trying to be sweet to a mob is as effective as asking a pack of hyenas to leave you alone because you’re a vegetarian.  Failing to complain verbally and in writing simply encourages them to harass and abuse you more.  They’ll see your sweetness and restraint as weakness and an invitation to pile on more.

Attempts to educate mobs don’t succeed. All the while, targets suffer.  Don’t be a victim.  Learn to push back legally, firmly and effectively.

The best way to learn how to stop bullies, individually or in mobs, is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and organizational consulting.

Design and implement an effective plan that eliminates the high cost of low attitudes.  To get the help you need, call Ben at 1-877-828-5543.

Trust your accurate intuition and people's track records

Many people argue about whether you can and should trust people, or whether you can’t and shouldn’t.  Those are the wrong questions because they require you to reason your way to a generalization about all people and then to attach a moral judgment to the conclusion.

Better questions are:

To read the rest of this article from the Charlotte Business Journal, see:
Trust your accurate intuition and people’s track records

1. How accurate are your estimations about what people are likely to do?
2. Based on experience, who can you trust to do which specific behaviors?  Notice there’s no moral judgment attached to the estimations about what people are likely to do or to your tactics for responding to those conclusions.  The considerations are not about whether to be nice and give people second chances.  The questions focus on behavior, not whether the person is good or bad.

The same considerations apply with friends and extended family. We know people who:

1. Are relentlessly negative, critical, harassing, abusive and bullying.
2. Are selfish, demanding and explosive, and won’t build bridges.
3. Can be counted on to have a good time but never pay their share of the bill, and never return borrowed things or money.
4. Volunteer but then never show up.  Or they show up late, are distracted and spend the whole time talking instead of working.  Or they show up drunk.

Use your powers of observation and deduction.  Who can you lend money to and expect it returned?  Who won’t return the money, turning your loan into a “gift” or forcing you to engage in a fight to get it back?  Who can you count on to fulfill their commitments?  Who will leave you hanging?

In a new relationship, when you discover that the other person is unreliable, greedy, devious, back-stabbing or wrong and stubborn, rethink the arrangements.  Do you want to live with the arrangement -- knowing now what to expect, or to try to change them or build a bridge or extricate yourself?

What if the person in question surprises you by doing well this time?  Don’t take that to mean they’ve changed forever for the better.  Extend them credit a little at a time.  They have to prove they’ve changed over a long time before you should trust them with big bucks or your reputation.

The best way to learn how to use your accurate intuition and good judgment in the workplace and in your personal life is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and organizational consulting.

Design and implement an effective plan that eliminates the high cost of low attitudes.  To get the help you need, call Ben at 1-877-828-5543.

Beware of relentless critics who really want to rule the office

Being critical is important to success.  You need a critical, negative filter to help you see what might go wrong.

However, you also need to stop people who use relentless criticism and negativity to build their own unofficial kingdoms and power.  They’re not interested in creating anything.  They’re only interested in being the king or queen of the sandbox.

To read the rest of this article from the Nashville Business Journal, see:
Beware of relentless critics who really want to rule the office

For example, Harry is proud to be known as “Mr. Negativity.”  He rips everyone else’s ideas and plans to shreds and attacks the “idiot” who came up with the idea.  Loudly and obnoxiously he makes people look weak, foolish and stupid.

Harry is overt.  But Helen is sneaky.  She smiles sweetly when she cuts something or someone to ribbons.  She talks behind people’s backs and always drops embarrassing reminders of past failures.  She justifies her actions by using values everyone believes in – preventing embarrassing mistakes and making the team more productive.

Their unending criticism is directed at undercutting the authority of managers they don’t like.   Harry and Helen never compromise.  They always have good “reasons” for what they do.  Other people are always at fault.  Other people should change to make them happy.

The Harrys and Helens of the world create fear and submission.  They’ve discovered that when they’re displeased with everything, people try to please them.

Why do weak supervisors allow their power to be usurped?  See the article for details.

These power-hungry, negative, critical, harassing and bullying people won’t change.  Gentle guidance, appeasement, begging and bribery won’t satisfy them.  They know they get more of what they want – turf, control, power – by continuing to complain.  If one complaint is satisfied, they’ll always find a new one.  They create hostile workplaces.

We can try to get along with people who also try to get along with us.  But we shouldn’t waste our lives trying to satisfy people who’ll never be satisfied unless they rule the whole kingdom.

The best way to learn how to stop relentless critics and to eliminate the high cost of low attitudes is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and organizational consulting.

Design and implement an effective plan that eliminates the high cost of low attitudes.  To get the help you need, call Ben at 1-877-828-5543.

Righteous people at work will self-destruct

Jared and Jason had a big problem.  They “knew” they were always right.  And, of course, that was their big mistake.

Ultimately, it cost them their jobs.  But they caused a lot of pain and disruption before that happened.

To read the rest of this article from the Philadelphia Business Journal, see:
Righteous people at work will self-destruct

According to Jared, Ann’s word was her word.  So he emailed her what he thought.  He wrote, in so many words, she was a liar and unethical; deceptive and sneaky, incompetent and back-stabbing, and a few other names we can’t print here.  She should be fired.  He wondered who she was sleeping with to keep her job.

Upon reflection, he thought he hadn’t gone far enough.  Everyone should know about her.  It was his duty to warn them. So he emailed a copy of his original message to Ann’s supervisor and every member of the team.

Since he was sure he was right, Jared thought it was his free-speech right to say it. He was appalled when his superiors had the nerve to write him up in a behavior-improvement form.  Jared was convinced that since he didn’t agree with his supervisor, he didn’t have to do what he wanted.

In a separate situation, Jason thought Steve was a jerk.  Steve’s reports were lame and his ideas were dumb.  At meetings, Jason laughed openly at Steve and told him what he thought, in so many words.  Jason was certain Steve was upset because Jason’s charges were true and Steve couldn’t stand being exposed.

Jason couldn’t understand why other people thought Steve was doing fine.  However, he knew he was right.

These examples may seem too ludicrous to be true, but they are. Both Jared and Jason had acted the same ways before and previous supervisors had never done anything that resulted in consequences.

The issue wasn’t free-speech.  The issue was harassment, bullying, abuse and the creation of a hostile workplace.

Of course, it’s harder to detect sneakier people who are certain they should make the rules.

The Jareds and Jasons of the world usually self-destruct by exposing themselves.  But, in the meantime, they cause a lot of disruption.  Don’t ignore any Jareds and Jasons on your staff.

The best way to learn what to do to stop know-it-alls and righteous bullies is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and organizational consulting.

Design and implement an effective plan that eliminates the high cost of low attitudes.  To get the help you need, call Ben at 1-877-828-5543.