Judy’s 42 year-old son is killing her with his negativity, criticism, verbal abuse and bullying.  He’s demanding and selfish, and never says “please” or “thank you” for her efforts.  He drains her energy and spirit each day.

Her husband had insisted they take him back in for a few months since he lost his job again, was divorced by his ex-wife and seemed lost.  But that was 19 months ago.

He stays out all night, sleeps ‘till 2 in the afternoon and then goes off with his friends.  He refuses to help out around the house since, he claims, “I’m an adult.  I don’t do kid chores.”  He has no income and when he’s spent all the money they give him, to fund his fun he steals money from Judy’s purse or forges her name on checks he cashes.

Judy is tired of doing his laundry, feeding him and cleaning up after him.  She sees their retirement funds being eaten by him and she feels oppressed by his presence in the house.  He won’t go to therapy and seems perfectly happy with his freedom from any responsibility.

Judy wants to kick him out of their nest, give him only a specific amount of money she thinks they could afford each month and make him fly on his own.  Even though her husband still has to work to support his son, instead of retiring like they planned, he won’t even talk about that approach.

What can Judy do?
Before talking about methods Judy might use to get her grown son out of the house, including using the law since he’s forged checks, Judy has to make some decisions for herself.

Does she think her son is mentally or emotionally disabled so he’ll never be able to take care of himself?  If so, she’d better plan for them to support him the rest of his life, even after they’re gone?  But her answer is emphatically “No.”

Thinking down the pathway that he needs to be on his own, Judy needs the courage, strength and determination to act, whether her husband likes it or not.  Otherwise, the rest of her life will be as barren as if a plague of locust had ravaged it.

But she couldn’t get the determination until she realized that she was beginning to hate her son and wishing he’d die in a freak accident.  Despite her guilt at thinking like that, her rage at that parasite pushed her over a threshold.  

Then, she had to decide how to tackle her husband’s resistance to acting or even allowing her to take matters into her own hands.  She knew her husband was avoiding the issue because he could see no solution that would enable him to take care of himself, his wife and his son, all at the same time.  Her husband was overwhelmed by compassion for their son, even though he could see twenty years of laziness and poor decisions that had gotten the boy to this point.  So all he did was hope for a miracle.  And he avoided the emotional pain by spending more and more time at work.

The solution Judy found was to confront her husband with the idea that he was responsible for protecting what was important to him.  Now he was faced with a horrible choice, but one he had to make: Protect his beloved wife from his bullying son, or protect his blood-sucking son from the consequences of his own actions, even though coddling his son would cost him his wife, his retirement and his hoped-for future.

The best way to learn how to see clearly and to protect what’s most important to you is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and counseling so you can:

  1. Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.
  2. Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to deal with the specific situation you’re in.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert coaching by phone or Skype.

AuthorBen Leichtling