Wendy (fictitious name) was so frustrated she almost exploded and told off her daughter in public. Her daughter always provoked Wendy and pushed her to the edge of her politeness. But Wendy held back. Making a scene would be so rude. She’d feel guilty, as if she was a bad person.
Not only in private or in front of the grandchildren, but even at big family occasions, in front of the whole extended family, her daughter was bullying, abusive and toxic. In addition to the eye-rolling and sarcastic remarks, she was critical and demeaning, nasty and cruel. Whenever Wendy didn’t do what her daughter wanted, she called Wendy selfish, demanding, controlling. She loudly and smilingly told everyone that Wendy had never been bright or competent enough, had tried her best but hadn’t been a good enough mother.
Bullies, narcissists, toxic adult children will push you against the boundary of your politeness.
Wendy’s daughter knew Wendy would never argue or retaliate or make a scene in public. She also knew that if Wendy ever got angry, the whole extended family would turn on Wendy for disturbing the family peace, for not being the bigger person. They told Wendy that was just how her daughter was, to be understanding and tolerant, to forgive and forget, don’t be nasty or vindictive, don’t break up the family. If Wendy showed her daughter enough kindness, compassion and love, her daughter would eventually get over her hurt and start loving Wendy in return.
Their acceptance of Wendy’s daughter’s abuse gave her a free pass to be as toxic as she wanted, there would never be any consequences to her.
Wendy was stuck: she was provoked but if she got angry, she’d be attacked for being angry or vindictive.
That is a common tactic of covert, sneaky bullies. Please see the blog post: Bullies, narcissists, toxic adult children provoke you, then attack (http://bulliesbegone.com/blog/2023/9/17/bullies-narcissists-toxic-adult-children-provoke-you-then-attack).
Bullies, narcissists, toxic adult children tell you how far you have to go before they’re willing to listen.
Wendy had accepted her daughter’s bullying and abuse; she’d begged and pleaded with her daughter to be nicer. She explained how much her feelings were being hurt, how much of what her daughter said was untrue, how much was cruel and painful. But those approaches never worked. Wendy’s pain was not a consequence or a deterrence for her daughter. Wendy would have to go much further to get her daughter to listen.
Wendy’s pain and silence were simply aphrodisiacs to her daughter.
Wendy finally acknowledged, deep in her heart, that her daughter enjoyed causing Wendy pain; she enjoyed getting away with stabbing Wendy in the heart. That epiphany changed everything for Wendy. She realized that if she continued keeping her old rule about having to be polite, of never hurting anyone’s feelings, her toxic daughter would always continue to abuse her. Her daughter didn’t have the same rule about what was polite. The only thing that would stop her daughter would be consequences she cared about. That might be other people turning against her.
Wendy decided that protecting herself was more important than taking abuse to be part of a pretend family; she would make a scene.
She would make her hurt feelings the subject of everyone’s talking or she’d learn to make clever come-backs to embarrass her daughter and to get everyone else emotionally on her side. At family gatherings, she started to cry and say, “You’re so mean and cruel. You’re so ungrateful after all I’ve given you.” And, after staring at her daughter in calm silence, “You’re setting an example for your children about bullying and abusing your mother. When they do it to you, remember where they learned it.” When her daughter said that Wendy had yelled at her, Wendy calmly said, “Yes, I was so frustrated. You always provoked me, you were a rotten daughter and needed to learn to be a nicer person.”
When Wendy continued to protect herself in public, and the extended family couldn’t get her to stop, they turned on her daughter.
Of course, there are many complications depending on your situation. The best way to learn how to take power in your life and to be the person you want to be is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and counseling so you can:
Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.
Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to create the life your spirit has always hungered for.
Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert counseling and coaching by phone or Zoom or Skype.