Zara (fictitious name) had always minimized the pain and chaos her bullying, abusive, toxic, narcissistic, now-35-year-old son brought into her life because of what he claimed he’d suffered when he was growing up.
But even when he was an infant, he was critical, sarcastic, greedy, demanding and relentless in getting what he wanted and never doing what he didn’t want. She knew he was on the Asperger’s Spectrum. She’d divorced his father when her son was 9 because her husband was relentlessly cruel, bullying and abusive. She also knew her son was subjected to relentless criticism, anger and punishment when he saw his father on court appointed visits.
She felt so guilty because she couldn’t protect him, so she indulged his wishes in every way she could. And she protected him from the consequences of his out-of-control behavior at school and later when he argued with police officers.
All their psychologists and therapists told her to be more understanding and tolerant of his behavior.
They told her she had to keep asking, “why,” he did what he did. If she could accurately and completely understand why he attacked her in each incident, she could figure out how to satisfy what he really wanted. Then, he’d stop being angry and become loving.
They told her to keep trying to teach him through love, soft words, explanations and logic. She must never give him consequences or punishment. Someday, they said, if she said it right, he’d understand, be apologetic and model her forbearance.
But all her understanding and tactics did not lessen the pain and torment he caused her.
They told her it wasn’t his fault, so she must forgive everything.
His genetics and trauma were not his fault. He didn’t know any better, he’d never learned, and he wasn’t really a malicious person. She had to pretend it wasn’t so bad, to rise above, to be the bigger person.
They told her she should get him into therapy. But he refused to go. He said he was fine; all his problems were either her fault or the fault of a flawed society that refused to understand him or give him what he wanted. He said he was right, and he’d never admit he wasn’t. It was not his fault that he was unhappy.
Finally, Zara saw that all the psychology she’d used to explain his behavior had not lessened her pain and misery; she’d simply become a victim, a martyr to her understanding.
She realized he was very aware of what he was doing; he enjoyed torturing her.
His meanness had nothing to do with his being on the Spectrum. He was not unaware of her feelings. He enjoyed watching her suffer and thrash about, unable to make him happy. He was choosing to try to beat her into submission.
She remembered how he cleverly thwarted her every time she wanted to control her life, to do something to make herself happy. He had a sixth sense, so he knew just when to show up to destroy her plans. And then she’d caught him smirking when she was almost reduced to tears.
She decided to use a strictly behavioral approach.
She required him to be nice before he got anything from her, including listening to his problems. She stopped changing her plans when he tried to control and manipulate her. She stopped responding to his crises. She laughed when he complained that she didn’t understand him.
Of course, at first, he treated her worse, even in public. But as she disengaged from his demands, anger and manipulation, when she stopped engaging in teaching or in defending herself from his recriminations, he began to change. He was always testing the limits of how badly he could treat her. But when she simply stated her standards of behavior, instead of debating with him, and when she was stubborn about her rules and consequences, he started treating her with more appreciation and respect.
Of course, there are many complications depending on your situation. The best way to learn how to take power in your life and to be the person you want to be is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and counseling so you can:
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