Narcissists test your love; it's never enough

Jane finally realized her daughter, Debbie, was a 36 year-old narcissist.

They’d be talking and suddenly Debbie would go off; cursing, yelling, threating, bullying, abusing and throwing up every hurt feeling every time Jane failed to please her.  Everything wrong with Debbie’s life was Jane’s fault.  

Jane finally saw the pattern; Debbie was constantly testing her to see if Jane loved her more than anyone else.
Any time Jane praised someone or thought someone was smart or helpful or kind, Debbie would explode.  Any time Jane wouldn’t cancel an appointment or change her plans to do what Debbie wanted on the slightest whim, Debbie would go off.  Any time Jane wouldn’t pay for anything Debbie wanted, Debbie would go off.

Nothing Jane did could ever show Debbie her mother loved her enough.
Debbie’s emotional bucket had no bottom; Jane would never be able to fill it.  Only Debbie could built a bottom for her bucket.

Jane realized her daughter wanted her to be her slave.
Debbie wanted Jane to do what she wanted, to endure the tongue lashings and to come back for more.  Debbie wanted Jane to devote all her time and energy to pleasing her; no one else.  Debbie wanted her mother to feel guilty and to take the blame for having failed her.

Debbie has some choices:

1. Take the beatings and keep coming back to explain, reason, debate and prove her love in hopes of educating or satisfying her daughter.
2. Set behavioral boundaries; Debbie gets access to Jane only when she behaves herself.  At the moment Debbie begins to go off, Jane will hang up or cut her off.
3. The same behavioral-based approach as number two plus being clear Jane is lengthening the time between contacts each time Debbie blows.  And no money until Debbie behaves like a polite, civilized, loving daughter for at least one year.

Notice, in the last two choices, Jane is no longer trying to please Debbie.  Jane is testing Debbie; not for love, but for polite, civilized behavior.  She’ll no longer let Debbie dump her toxic emotional waste in Jane’s space.

Debbie will hate the last two choices because Jane is taking charge of the interactions.  Slaves are punished for doing that.  It proves Jane doesn’t love her.  Debbie will attack and try to beat Jane into submission, like she’s always done.

Jane is really thankful Debbie hasn’t had children yet because Debbie would blackmail her by withholding visits with her grandchildren.  Jane used to worry every time family members took Debbie’s side and begged Jane to be nice or to be the more spiritual and loving person, and overlook Debbie’s rants.

There are many other types of narcissistic behavior, but see if this pattern fits which people in your life.

Of course, there are many complications depending on your situation.  The best way to learn how to take power in your life and to be the person you want to be is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and counseling so you can:

1. Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.
2. Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to create the life your spirit has always hungered for.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert counseling and coaching by phone or Skype.

Narcissists care about their feelings, not ours

We want the people we care about to care about us, to take our feelings seriously and to pay attention to us.  In good relationships that’s mutual.  However, narcissists only care about their feelings, wants, desires, hopes, hurts and pains.  Their concerns matter; no one else’s do unless it impacts them. Other people’s feelings aren’t important.

Narcissists’ needs and feelings drive their lives.
They’re blown by the winds of their feelings; especially those that stroke their egos and self-images.  If they feel something, everyone must revolve around that feeling.  We’re all servants and slaves to their feelings.

If you live or lived with one, if you work or worked with one, you know the feeling you get.  It’s as if the narcissist is using all the air in the room.  We don’t get any air to breathe unless they dole out a little as a reward for our subservient behavior.

They batter (physically, verbally and emotionally), bully and abuse everyone in the line of their fire.  Or they’re sneaky, manipulative and backstabbing – using our desire to be nice or our self-analysis, self-doubt and guilt.  Mostly, they want us to engage with them – if they can’t beat or charm us into submission, they’ll settle for our paying complete attention to them; they’ll settle for endless arguing and debating as long as we’re focused on them.

Get narcissists out of your space.
Of course, if that narcissist is merely a distant friend or first date, it’s easy.  But we still can do it after years of intimacy or if the narcissist is a toxic parent or toxic adult child.  The goal is clear; the “how-to” may take more planning and effort.

Of course, there are many complications depending on your situation.  The best way to learn how to take power in your life and to be the person you want to be is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and counseling so you can:

1. Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.
2. Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to create the life your spirit has always hungered for.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert counseling and coaching by phone or Skype.

Bullies attack, take the offensive

Bullies attack, take the offensive.  They want you defensive.  The more you defend yourself, the more you argue, debate or try to prove you’re not bad, the more they win.

Whatever the situation – intimate relationships or spouse, toxic parent, toxic adult child, extended family or friends, school or work – one way bullies show who they are is by always attacking us.  Faced with their negativity, criticism, anger or abuse, most of us defend ourselves.  Sometimes they claim we hurt their feelings.  As soon as we say we didn’t mean to, we’ve lost.

Bullies want us to do self-examination.  Are our motives pure enough?  Have we been perfect enough (according to them)?  They want to stimulate our self-questioning and self-doubt.  They want to stimulate our guilt.  When our self-esteem and self-confidence is diminished, their bullying succeeds.  As soon as we follow the path they want us on, they win.

Take the offensive.
If you try to rise above or to understand, explain or minimize their behavior, or try love them so much they’ll finally change, they’ll take that as weakness and, like scavengers to a corpse, they’ll attack more and bolder.

Don’t answer their charges.  Call them out.  Point out their bullying patterns.  Or laugh at their charges or embarrass them.  Say, “That’s a good one,” and, with a smile, keep doing what you want and ignore their attack.  Or come back at them with a smile.  Make them pay a price for continued attacks.

Of course, there are many complications depending on your situation.  The best way to learn how to take power in your life and to be the person you want to be is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and counseling so you can:

1. Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.
2. Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to create the life your spirit has always hungered for.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert counseling and coaching by phone or Skype.

Stop walking on eggshells

Here’s an easy test to see if you’re with a bully – at home, in relationships, at work and at school.
Do you walk around on eggshells?  Are you afraid of the next explosion or angry, negative, critical, personal attack?  Do you receive the loud silent-treatment?  Do you fear retaliation and sneaky punishment?  Are you wary of the next accidental destruction or your property, pets or person?  Have you given up arguing and defending yourself because they’re a better debater or they wear you down?

You don’t need more psychoanalysis of the person you’re with.
That person is bullying and abusive.  That person lets their feelings drive their life.  They always blame you for their bad feelings.  And they always have good reasons, excuses and justifications for their abuse.   Don’t cling to a few good memories or promises.  See all the painful episodes every time you look at them.

Trust your Gut!

Say, “Enough!  I’m done with that.”
I won’t let them torture my heart any more.  You have to set goals and be more determined, resilient and relentless.  You don’t have to win the argument, you just have to get that behavior out of your environment.  Don’t let them pollute your sacred space.

Of course, there are many complications depending on your situation.  The best way to learn how to take power in your life and to be the person you want to be is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and counseling so you can:

1. Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.
2. Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to create the life your spirit has always hungered for.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert counseling and coaching by phone or Skype.

Stop enabling, rescuing, meddling

June got it with a start that almost knocked her over.  Once again she’d been trying to rescue her 35 year-old son and, as always, he’d pushed her away and slapped her with his angry words.  She could lead him to water but he wouldn’t drink.  Actually, he refused to let her lead him.

She got it: she was trying to enable him once more, she was meddling in his life again so he didn’t fail.  And he didn’t want her.  

But how could she love him if she didn’t try to save him?
How could she a good mom, a good person, if she didn’t try to rescue him, if she didn’t try to protect him from pain or if she didn’t try to explain what he needed to hear?

Enabling, rescuing, meddling aren’t the meaning of “love” to a 35 year-old son with his own job and his own family.  That definition of love had led June to the fix she was in.  She needed a better definition of love.

June got it.  She was meddling where she wasn’t wanted and he hated her for it.
Part of the reason he hated her was that she was right.  But he didn’t want to hear that.  In response to her meddling, he’d yelled at her, criticized her, cursed her and blamed all his troubles on her.  So he’d left and taken his kids, saying she’d never see them again.

For days afterward he sent bullying, blaming and abusive texts.  His messy life was all her fault.  She was to blame and she had to admit her guilt.

Despite the pain and anguish, June decided to try a new approach:

• She wouldn’t act like his mommy anymore.  She wouldn’t give him money.  She wouldn’t be available every moment when he wanted to use her as a baby sitter.  She wouldn’t give him advice.
• He was already out of the nest physically, so she’d kick him out of the nest emotionally; his problems were his problems.  He claimed to be an adult, so let him solve his own problems.
• She’d try to set boundaries so she could have the same kind of adult relationship she had with her closest friends.  They had to be polite and civil, they shared mutual interests, and when there was a problem, they talked it out nicely.

June’s son required a long time before he believed the shift in June and even longer to accept it.  He needed her as a scapegoat for his failures and he really needed her to bail him out of his bad decisions and failures.  He hated that she wouldn’t give him endless amounts of money or make endless excuses for his behavior or be his whipped slave.  

June was testing to see if the only reasons he wanted contact with her were to get her money and to vent on her body.  I think it was his need of her baby sitting that finally brought him back.  Whatever the reason, that was the start of building a bridge between two adults.

Of course, there are many complications depending on your situation.  The best way to learn how to take power in your life and to be the person you want to be is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and counseling so you can:

1. Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.
2. Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to create the life your spirit has always hungered for.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert counseling and coaching by phone or Skype.

Public bullying requires public apologies, amends

Jane’s adult daughter had serious problems because of her public outbursts and poor decisions.

Even though Jane had been a good mother and had tried to do everything she could to please her daughter, her daughter vented all her frustration and negativity on Jane.  Conversations that started civilly would turn in an instant into vicious tirades of negativity, criticism, rage and bullying.  Everything was Jane’s fault; she was guilty and should accept all the blame and abuse.  Jane walked on egg shells.

Her daughter would call, text and Facebook everyone in the extended family about how rotten Jane was and had always been.  She hoped some of the family would support her and make Jane grovel to her.

After a few days, her daughter would call Jane and talk as if nothing had happened or she’d say, “Sorry,” and immediately change the subject.  Jane would accept the apology and try to build a bridge to her daughter.

After years of this pattern, Jane realized that private apologies and excuses led only to more public bullying.
Jane finally decided to try a new experiment.  Instead of accepting her daughter’s private and half-hearted “Sorry,” Jane said that wasn’t good enough.  She wanted a change in her daughter’s behavior and as a sign of her daughter’s sincerity she wanted her daughter to apologize in public to the rest of the family.  And that included saying it on Facebook.  That was the beginning of making amends.

Her daughter told her where to put that and hung up.  And texted and posted her anger and hatred.

Jane told everyone in the family what had happened and what she wanted.  No more half-hearted, weak “Sorry’s” and no more reversion to the same behavior.

And then Jane waited.
Eventually her daughter needed something from Jane, eventually the rest of the family ignored or pressured her daughter, eventually Jane started having a wonderful time in life instead of obsessing and worrying about her daughter.  Eventually her daughter was willing to behave decently in order to have contact with Jane.

Some people will never apologize, they’re too proud.  But you can see if their behavior changes.  And you get to decide the price you can live with.

This approach isn’t always effective.  Sometimes, adult children are too far gone into their own pain and hate.  But I’ve never seen one-way, bridge building be effective.

The same experience fits many other situations, whether the public bullying is overt or sneaky:

• Intimate relationships, partners and spouses who are sarcastic, critical and demeaning.
• Siblings who enjoy one-upping you.
• Friends who stab you in the back or put you down.
• Toxic parents who get the whole, extended family involved in their manipulation and lies.
• At work.

Of course, there are many complications depending on your situation.  The best way to learn how to take power in your life and to be the person you want to be is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and counseling so you can:

1. Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.
2. Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to create the life your spirit has always hungered for.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert counseling and coaching by phone or Skype.

Bullies use our politeness

Jane finally saw that she’d been treated the same way by her husband and her sister.  They made nasty, cutting remarks; they were negative, critical, sarcastic and demeaning in private and especially in public.  But they always had a smile on their faces or they’d cover it up by laughing and saying they were only joking.

If Jane complained, they belittled her or made excuses.  She was just too sensitive, childish or had no sense of humor.  She could never prove that they really intended anything nasty.

Nevertheless Jane felt like they were stabbing her in the back or sticking pins and needles in places that were sore.  She was frustrated and enraged.

Jane had been taught that the most important value was to be polite, to be a nice, good girl.
So she held everything in.  She’d never let herself protest, say the things she wanted, be confrontational or made a scene.  But eventually she’d explode, usually with tears and rage.  Then she felt guilty and asked for forgiveness.  Since the angry scene was her fault, they made her pay with public humiliation.  Then they continued the same attacks.

Finally Jane saw their sneaky behavior as bullying and abuse.
She knew what she knew and she didn’t have to prove it to them or to anyone else.  Her determination to stop accepting that treatment was the key factor in her learning skills to say and do things that put them on the spot.

Now she was an adult and could make up her own mind, Jane decided there were values much more important to her than being polite in her old style.
For example, protecting her spirit from harm, standing up for what was right and true, and keeping her personal space free from trash and from bullies were much more important to her than being polite.

So Jane learned how to be polite, kindly and very firm when she had to.
She learned how to make revealing come-backs or pointed comments of her own, all with a smile.  She became willing to embarrass them in public.  After all, they were telling her what she had to do in order to get them to stop demeaning her.

She was somewhat surprised when her husband changed how he treated her but her sister would not.  She realized that her sister was too jealous and narcissistic to give up her old ways, even though the rest of the family supported Jane and distanced themselves from her sister.

This pattern of sneaky bullying and use of our politeness is found in every area of our lives; bullying boyfriends and girlfriends, spouses, parents, children, adult children, siblings, supposed friends and coworkers count on our politeness to let them get away with sticking daggers in us while they smile sweetly.

Of course, there are many complications depending on your situation.  The best way to learn how to take power in your life and to be the person you want to be is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and counseling so you can:

1. Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.
2. Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to create the life your spirit has always hungered for.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert counseling and coaching by phone or Skype.

Bullies use mediation to whip you

Susan’s angry daughter was looking forward to mediation.  She’d prepared, and with her therapists approval, heaped every charge of hurt feelings and every vindictive, nasty hostile event on Susan.  It wasn’t mediation, it was like being vomited on or like being whipped.

Susan’s daughter didn’t want any accommodation.  She knew she was right.  She was triumphant at the opportunity to beat Susan.

Bullies don’t want mediation and compromise, they don’t want to make reasonable plans for future interactions, they simply want to beat you up with their feelings.
Susan hadn’t understood her daughter simply wanted to make demands, prove that all her failures, bad feelings and dumb decisions were Susan’s fault.  Susan paid a mental and emotional price for trying to be nice.  Her daughter’s therapist thought it was wonderful for her daughter to vent her feelings.  And Susan deserved everything she got

Bullies want you to take their feelings seriously.
Susan’s daughter wanted Susan to dare argue with all the accusations.  But every time Susan tried, her daughter got louder and didn’t even listen.  She attacked even more.  She wanted Susan to accept the blame and do penance forever.  It was all her fault; she should feel guilty forever.

Her daughter’s therapist assumed that if Susan’s daughter was angry, Susan must have done something bad to her.
Actually Susan hadn’t done anything bad.  She’d tried to give her daughter everything, to save her from any hurt feelings and to justify her daughter’s feelings when she was growing up.  Susan realized that was a mistake.  She’d helped create a selfish, narcissistic monster.

But never again.  Susan decided:

1. She wouldn’t give her daughter anything.  She wouldn’t beg or bribe her daughter any more.  She wouldn’t try to make her daughter happy.
2. She wouldn’t take her daughter’s feelings seriously.  Instead she’d laugh when her daughter threw a hissy fit and tell her she needed a time out.  She wouldn’t argue or explain about the specific charges.  If her daughter always attacked and if Susan always defended, eventually Susan would lose and her daughter’s criticism, negativity, bullying and abuse would escalate and go on forever.
3. She’d simply tell her daughter to get over herself, to stop being a child throwing temper tantrums, to grow up and become an adult taking charge of her feelings and behavior.
4. She’d give up trying to explain herself and to educate her daughter about polite, civil conduct.  Her daughter might wake up to the need but it would be only after she had great failure and suffering.

Susan didn’t expect to change her daughter; she just wanted to protect herself from the alien who’d taken over her daughter’s body and personality.  As she started being happy and making a wonderful life for herself, she thought less and less about her daughter.  And her happiness and non-participation in beatings began to draw her daughter back to her as a civilized adult.  But that took a long time.

The same situation often occurs in couples mediation and mediation at work.

Of course, there are many complications depending on your situation.  The best way to learn how to take power in your life and to be the person you want to be is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and counseling so you can:

1. Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.
2. Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to create the life your spirit has always hungered for.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert counseling and coaching by phone or Skype.

Bullies want you walking on egg shells

Bullies want us walking on egg shells.  That’s a favorite tactic of manipulators and control-freaks in order to get power, control and turf.  They want us to give in because we’re afraid of the next explosion – whether it’s a vicious, nasty, abusive tirade or the loud silent treatment.

They want us trying to argue with them while they throw a temper tantrum or hissy fit.  The more we argue, the less we win.  They’re not rational.  Their reasons aren’t really what’s wrong.  We’ll never convince them they’re making a mountain out of a molehill.

They want us scared and on the defensive, afraid of what we’ll trigger.  They are super-sensitive whenever it’s to their advantage.  They want us to think it’s our fault because we pushed their trigger.  They take no responsibility for throwing fits.   They want us to bear the blame and guilt.  We’re the bad person because we upset them.  They want other people to rally around to protect poor them from the bad, insensitive person – us.

They claim “It’s just the way I am.”  They want us to adjust our lives, lower our standards of polite, civil conversation, and give them what they want.  Their hyper-sensitive tactic makes them “professional victims.”

It’s a good way they can avoid conversation and negotiations about what we want.

They want to scare and beat us into submission.  They often use this tactic in public because they know we’ll give in rather than create a scene.  They want us willing to give up everything to avoid the explosion.

They undercut legitimate authority (parents at home, supervisors at work) because they must be the unofficial center of power whenever they feel like it.

The more we walk on egg shells the more they’ll demand.  Their appetite for power and control is never satisfied.  The more fuel we throw on a fire, the more fuel it demands.

Of course, there are many complications depending on your situation.  The best way to learn how to take power in your life and to be the person you want to be is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and counseling so you can:

1. Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.
2. Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to create the life your spirit has always hungered for.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert counseling and coaching by phone or Skype.

Sneaky bullies use your empathy and compassion

One of the ways sneaky bullies suck people in is to use their target’s empathy and compassion.  These bullies are experts at playing “poor me.”

Marie could hear it in her spouse’s voice and see it in his body.  It wasn’t his fault or responsibility that life hasn’t worked out the way he wished.  Other people or forces were to blame.  He shouldn’t have to bear the consequences.

He couldn’t get a job that was just right for him so she had to support him.  It wasn’t a man’s job to do chores around the house so she just had to do them all.  He expected her to do everything and got angry and vicious when she didn’t.  He was consistently negative, critical and abusive.

Marie had been raised to be a nice girl, a caretaker, a handmaiden, a rescuer, an enabler.
She was suckered into pitying him and doing what he wanted.  He didn’t have to lift a finger.  When she started to rebel, he accused her of having no empathy or compassion for his feelings or difficulties.  She felt guilty and her heart broke again for her poor baby.

Finally, something in Marie snapped.
Her feelings mattered to her.  If she wanted to have the future she longed for, she had to kick her little bird out of the nest.  She started to have empathy and compassion for herself.

In addition, she realized that he’d never have a chance to grow up if he could leech off her all his life.  She wasn’t helping him by letting him feed off her.

Using her old style, she wasn’t really a rescuer, she was actually meddling in his development as an adult.
She had to wean him.  When he whined, complained and bullied her, she began to say, with compassion and sympathy, “Poor baby, you have a real problem.”  She didn’t jump in to solve it for him.

He fought being weaned.  After she divorced him, he immediately found someone else to take care of him.

Of course, there are many complications depending on your situation.  The best way to learn how to take power in your life and to be the person you want to be is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and counseling so you can:

1. Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.
2. Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to create the life your spirit has always hungered for.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert counseling and coaching by phone or Skype.

You don't have to make him happy

Of course, we all want our relationships to be wonderful and we all want to make our partners happy.  But Marion was sure that wasn’t working for her.  After living with her boyfriend for three months, Marion had gotten tired of trying to make her boyfriend happy.

When he moved into her place which was much better than his, he’d started off pleased with her.  With her good salary, he’d started off pleased since he couldn’t seem to look for a job.  But during the three months he’d gotten angrier at her each day.  He became critical and negative when she didn’t get him what he wanted fast enough.  He became angry and vindictive when she didn’t do what she wanted.  He became controlling, bullying and abusive to her in front of her friends.

He laughed at her discomfort and pain.  He attacked any protests she made.

It seemed to Marion that the more she tried to please him, the more demanding and nasty he got.
She knew how abused he’d been as a child but he never wanted to change.  She was tired of the arrangement but she felt stuck.

She’d been raised to think if the relationship wasn’t good, if he was unhappy, it was her fault.
Her main task in life was to make him happy and if she did that enough, why then he’d be pleased with her and be nice to her.  It was her duty to change him slowly by her complete and unconditional love of him and by her acceptance of his role as head of the household.

Finally, when Marion looked at her old, childhood beliefs and the roles they demanded, she rebelled.
She decided on new beliefs and roles she’d adopt now, as an adult.  These new ones would be built around two people working to make each other happy by bring nice to each other.  He wasn’t trying to make her happy at all and she’d find someone who would.

Marion heaved a sigh of relief.  Her shame and guilt vanished.  She acknowledged dreading getting married or pregnant because she thought she’d be stuck for life then.  Now she acknowledged she wouldn’t want to bring up a son acting like that father and she wouldn’t want a daughter seeing her mother taking that treatment – for any reason.  And now she could get free before it was too late.  

I’d say the same to anyone, even if they were already married or had children.  The degree of difficulty might be higher, but the direction would be the same.

Of course, there are many complications depending on your situation.  The best way to learn how to take power in your life and to be the person you want to be is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and counseling so you can:

1. Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.
2. Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to create the life your spirit has always hungered for.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert counseling and coaching by phone or Skype.

Stop the toxic melodrama

June finally got it.  She said firmly and resolutely, “What a waste.  I’ve been wasting my life trapped in my adult kids’ melodramas.  Never again!”

Suddenly her future got bright and warm.  She could see the future she wanted so much.  We could see and hear her strength and determination.  She was mentally, emotionally and spiritually free.  A huge weight had been lifted off both her shoulders and heart.  It was clear and simple and immediate.  All she had to do now, was make it real by her actions.

She had to withdraw from dealing with their emotional turmoil, from solving their problems.  They weren’t kids anymore; they were adults.  No more negativity, anger, rebellion, blame, guilt, bullying, manipulation, hidden agendas or abuse.  They had tried it all.  No more endless psychotherapy about who said or did what and why.  No more emotional vomiting about each other’s feelings.  No more fighting over who got the biggest piece of pie.  She wouldn’t let those kind of soap-operas into her house through the television, so why let that in through personal interactions?

She wanted adult relationships.
What’s an adult relationship for June?

First, the content, the focus of what she wanted to talk about and do together.
June had wonderful friends who loved and cared for each other in ways that felt good.  When difficult situations came up in their lives, they each commiserated and explored how to solve the problems.  But personal psychodrama and melodrama were not the subjects of their interactions.  Mostly they brought each other books, movies, art, music and heroines to each other.  Most of them loved nature so they walked together, took day trips and the more physical went off to the woods and lakes.

They brought their excitement to each other.  They stimulated each other with what they brought each other.  Their lives were fun, even with all the mundane things they had to deal with and all the sudden tragedies.

She wanted that with her children also.

Second, the style or processes they used with each other.
Her friends were kindly and considerate of each other.  They listened carefully and talked respectfully.  They put their disparities in money, position and prestige aside.  They put petty envy or jealousy aside.  If someone had feelings about something, they didn’t attack anyone’s character or good will; they brought it up straightforwardly and discussed it.

That was easy for June and her friends.  But how about with her adult children?
June had thought she couldn’t demand that with her children.  She’d though a mother’s role was supposed to be different from a friends.  She’d though she simply had to love her children and give them everything they wanted to make them happy.  She thought she had to put up with everything they did to each other and to her while she tried to teach them lessons they evidently hadn’t learned growing up.  

Now she decided to offer them a better way to be happy.  She told them what she wanted, what she’d allow in her space.  She told them she was re-training them to be good adults.  She hoped they’d get it and enjoy it.  She hoped they’d apply the same standards to their relationships with each other and with their friends.

It was difficult at first as her children wanted to draw her back into the personal swamps they’d gotten used to.  But, one-by-one, most of the children accepted her rules for her personal space.  And they found they could have a better time together.

The happier June became with her life, the more her life opened up, the brighter her future became.

Of course, everyone is different about what they want to fill their lives with.

And of course the same goal applies toward our extended families and friends, and our interactions at work.

Of course, there are many complications depending on your situation.  The best way to learn how to take power in your life and to be the person you want to be is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and counseling so you can:

1. Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.
2. Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to create the life your spirit has always hungered for.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert counseling and coaching by phone or Skype.

Boundary-pushers will eat you...bite-by-bite

In the past five years, Jane’s 36 year-old daughter had spoken to her 5 times.  Actually, she hadn’t spoken; she’d screamed at Jane in public and private, saying her life was ruined because Jane had never loved her enough or given her enough.  Jane was evil, selfish and uncaring; followed a bunch of foul names.  She hoped Jane would rot in hell forever.by

But now Jane’s daughter wanted to come home for just a month with her surly 15 year-old son and two dogs.  She was divorcing and needed a place to stay, but, she assured Jane, it would only be until she could get enough money together to get her own place.  She said she still hated Jane but she’d be willing to put up with Jane for a little while.

This sounded to Jane like the last time, 10 years previously, when she’d allowed her daughter to come home for just a month.  He daughter had promised to help with the chores, take care of her dogs, take care of her son and work hard so she could move out.  But none of those promises had been kept.  Life was no fun for her daughter so each week she’d dropped one of the promises permanently.  Soon her daughter went out all day and evening with her friends, dumping Jane’s grandson on her whenever she felt like it.  She didn’t look for a job.  She still berated and cursed Jane whenever she wanted.  She’d only left after 5 years because it was more convenient to move in with the boyfriend she later married.

In a similar vein, Jack and his wife of 20 years were finally divorcing.  They’d reach a settlement for all their stuff.  Jack’s wife was interested in moving in with her boyfriend as soon as Jack gave her all she thought she wanted and deserved.  Jack tried to be fair and, as usual in their marriage, had given her what she’d demanded.

At the last meeting before presenting the signed agreement to a judge, Jack’s wife suddenly gave Jack an additional list of demands she’d decided she wanted.  Even her lawyer was surprised.  It made no sense to Jack.

The similarity between the two situations is in the boundary pushing.
Both Jane’s daughter and Jack’s wife made agreements and then didn’t keep them.  Then they’d want to open a new negotiation during which Jane and Jack would give them more.

Jane’s daughter tried to beat Jane into submission using blame and guilt and promises of a new life.  Jack’s wife manipulated him, through endless demands that she thought reasonable or simply by not making agreements.  Both Jane’s daughter and Jack’s wife thought they were right and deserving; they didn’t have to keep any agreements Jane and Jack forced them into.

Boundary pushers are relentless predators.  They criticize, bully, and abuse us into giving in.  The push all our buttons – guilt, anxiety, fear, decency, kindness.  They’re relentless until we give in – bite-by-bite.

Only after Jane and Jack acknowledged the pattern they’d seen but had tried to avoid admitting, only after Jane and Jack were willing to give up trying to rescue, please or save people they loved, only then could they begin to create lives they wanted with new people they wanted.  Only after they make the commitment to the futures they wanted, could they learn new beliefs and use new skills effectively.

Negotiating with some teenagers and two-year olds cam feel the same way.

Of course, there are many complications depending on your situation.  The best way to learn how to take power in your life and to be the person you want to be is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and counseling so you can:

1. Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.
2. Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to create the life your spirit has always hungered for.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert counseling and coaching by phone or Skype.

Narcissists are terrorists at home

“Terrorist” can be a more powerful word than “narcissist” to motivate us to stop bullies at home.

Many people have said that once they saw their abusers – their spouse, their toxic parent, their teenager, their toxic adult child, their supposed friend – as terrorists, all those negative, critical, controlling, manipulative, destructive actions, the lies, the gas-lighting, the put-downs became clear and they could rally themselves to defeat their oppressor.  Terrorist accurately described the terror they felt when being attacked by those vicious predators.

Narcissist, they said, was a nice, psycho-jargon word but it led them to endless analysis and to little compelling energy to defend themselves.

The label was all it took for them to see, instantly, the patterns; to see the future if they didn’t get help to resist; to decide to fight back.  They knew, instantly, that reasoning, education and negotiation aren’t effective when dealing with terrorists.  The label relieved them of self-doubt and guilt.

Of course the fight would be hard, but at least, they knew what they were up against.

Of course, there are many complications depending on your situation.  The best way to learn how to take power in your life and to be the person you want to be is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and counseling so you can:

1. Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.
2. Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to create the life your spirit has always hungered for.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert counseling and coaching by phone or Skype.

Bullies use your perfectionism

Bullies want to get their way and they’ll use any tactics to win.  One of their common tactics is to use your perfectionism to increase your self-doubt, hesitation and paralysis.  Then you’ll give in.

For example: Whenever Jane tried to complain about her boyfriend’s relentless and on-going criticism, negativity, put-downs and demands, he brought up the rare times she yelled at him.  Since he was right about those few times, Jane felt she had no right to complain about his abuse.  So she always gave in.  But her anger kept building and eventually she’d blow again.  Then she’d feel guilty she wasn’t perfect and let him abuse her again.

Another example: Sandra’s son, backed by his wife, constantly complained about what she hadn’t given him when he was growing up.  Sandra worked hard as single-parent but he still yelled about what he hadn’t gotten, how much he hates her and how he hopes she suffers the rest of her life.  He and his wife were abusive and bullying, especially at the holidays or when they wanted something and she hesitated.  His unhappiness is a club aimed at her heart.  Sandra knew she wasn’t perfect, so she kept trying to give him enough to make him happy.

Both Jane and Sandra are trapped by their own beliefs.
For example: “If I wasn’t perfect, I can’t complain,” and “Since I wasn’t perfect, he’s right to beat me up and I have to keep giving until he’s satisfied.”

With beliefs like that, they’ll never win.  Their bullies will never be happy.  Why should they be?  As long as they’re unhappy, they get what they want.

The key for both Jane and Sandra was to realize they didn’t have to be perfect to get what they wanted.  Sandra didn’t have to be perfect to stop her son from vomiting on her shoes.  Jane didn’t have to be perfect to demand that she be treated well.

Bullies tell you, you have to be perfect, according to them, before they treat you decently.
And they decide what’s perfect enough.

So give up perfectionism and get the blood-sucking predators out of your personal space.

Of course, there are many complications depending on your situation.  The best way to learn how to take power in your life and to be the person you want to be is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and counseling so you can:

1. Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.
2. Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to create the life your spirit has always hungered for.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert counseling and coaching by phone or Skype.

Dreams die; life goes on - choose!

Dreams die – worse than we imagined.  But we live – why should we go on; how can we?

Divorce is the end of a dream – sometimes we can’t believe what they did.  Or our parents turn out to be manipulative, critical, controlling, toxic people.  Our children aren’t born the way we hoped.  Our grown children turn out to be angry, entitled, abusive and bullying.  Friends prove false, negative and backstabbing.  People at work are sneaky, steal our ideas, blame failures on us, get us fired.  And so it goes.

How can we stop dedicating ourselves to rebuilding those destroyed dreams?  How can we move on past our shattered lives?

Every situation is different.  Every torment is unique.

I was born in 1939 and grew up in the shade of the holocaust.  Some of the survivors became inspirations to me about why and how to live again.

The survivors had lost everything – parents, children, siblings, family, friends, generations worth of stuff – everything.  And I noticed there were two kinds.

Some had stopped living – they survived but merely existed in a walking shell of pain and sorrow.  They suffered and mourned every moment.  They carried a black cloud the rest of their lives.  Perpetual downers.  Who can blame them?

The others lived again.  They never forgot.  Sometimes they shared memories and we wept.  Yet, beyond grief, shame, guilt, blame, they moved ahead.  They laughed again, they played with the children, they found love, they made new families, they celebrated life.  Despite the anguish, they planted themselves as new crops and they had new harvests.

There is no Right-Way.  But there is choice – once and then again and then again; every morning the sun comes up and we’re still breathing.

I chose the second way, dedicated to life.
When I work with people, I say the first way is also legitimate.  But the second way, as hard and difficult and long, is the way of new growth and life.

When we raise our glasses to toast, “L’Chiam,” we toast “To life,” not because it’s particularly pleasant at a certain moment but because, no matter what, life itself is the sweetest gift.  We crave it and we must use it well.  We must use it to make new blossoms with the rest of it that we have.

Remember “The Martian.”  Keep living as long as you’re breathing.

And I love the quote from Rabindranath Tagore, “Let me not pray to be sheltered from dangers but to be fearless facing them. Let me not beg for the stilling of my pain but for the heart to conquer it.”    

Of course, there are many complications depending on your situation.  The best way to learn how to take power in your life and to be the person you want to be is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and counseling so you can:

1. Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.
2. Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to create the life your spirit has always hungered for.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert counseling and coaching by phone or Skype.

Does one mistake doom you?

Dylan’s parent were distraught.  They knew Dylan was very bright but he wasn’t working hard enough in high school to guarantee he’d get into one of the very best schools.  He didn’t participate in enough extra-curricular activities to compete with the very best students.  They were sure Dylan would be a failure in the race of life.  Dylan didn’t care.  He was very happy doing what he did.  He didn’t feel the need to compete all the time with all the other kids.

Of course, we all want our kids to be successful, to make enough money, to be happy.  But Dylan’s parent had a bad case of a lethal virus.

Dylan’s parents thought that if he wasn’t the absolute best he would never amount to anything.
If he didn’t get the best grades or participate in the right activities he’d be doomed.  If he didn’t get into the very best schools, he’d never make enough money, get the right wife, have a good enough career, be happy.  Only the very smartest could succeed.  Life was a battle ground and any slip meant doom forever.

Dylan’s parents were excellent at imagining catastrophes all the time.  They felt intense pressure and tried to infect Dylan with the same virus.  But Dylan wouldn’t accept their gift.  He thought he’d do good enough and be happy.  When he was interested in something he worked hard at it and got A’s.  He wanted to enjoy himself while he pursued his own interests.  He felt no guilt, shame or panic.

What happened to Dylan?
Does it matter to us what happened to him?  Would our behavior toward ourselves and our children or grandchildren be changed if the latest scientific study showed that a certain percent of people with Dylan’s attitude actually did not succeed?  Or another study showed that relentlessly panicked parents caused major psychological problems for a certain percent of their children?

Sure we worry that our children won’t be motivated enough to succeed.  Sure, we worry they might slack off until it’s too late.

Dylan’s parents were excellent at catastrophizing and “self-bullying.”
I think what’s pernicious and infectious is the idea that we must go from success to success or we’re doomed, that only the top 0.1% will succeed in life, that we have to go only to the top 10-20 schools or we’ll fail.

Those ideas are simply not true in almost every area of life.  Sure, there are only a few prima ballerinas, a few MVPs in any sport, a few world’s best in a few professions.  And driving off a cliff can doom us.  But all the rest of the world is open to people who have not had the most outstanding beginnings, or have failed sometimes on their way to success.  Most mistakes do not doom us.

Oh, Dylan did great but his parents lived their lives wringing their hands in despair and worrying what their friends would think.  The virus was lethal to their lives and spirits.  How sad.

Of course, there are many complications depending on your situation.  The best way to learn how to take power in your life and to be the person you want to be is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and counseling so you can:

1. Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.
2. Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to create the life your spirit has always hungered for.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert counseling and coaching by phone or Skype.

What's a good relationship?

What’s a good relationship?

That’s the wrong question.  It’s non-specific and it implies there’s one type of relationship that’s good.

Better question: “What relationship do we want to have with which people?”  And I’m specifically asking: “What do we want to talk about and do with which people?”

First consider, “Which people?”
We have different relationships with a person at the checkout of a supermarket, with a car mechanic, with a difficult boss, co-worker or employee, and with our spouses, partners, parents and our children.

Yes, there are some constants but not many.  We don’t want to tell our bosses or neighbors everything we’d tell our spouses.  We don’t tell manipulative, bullying, backstabbing, abusive friends or relatives, parents or adult children the same things we’d tell people who are kind, caring and have no hidden agendas.  We don’t tell hungry wolves or crazy people the same things we tell people we know will care for and about us.

So, make a list with space for each person and then we’ll ask the next question.

What do we focus on with each person?
Many people have relationships filled completely with melodrama.  Whose feelings are hurt or who’s angry?  What’s the latest turmoil in whose life?  Whose feelings and issues are always the center of attention?  Do we analyze people’s motives and try to predict the future?

Or is the communication always about celebrities or sports?  Or about how to straighten out the world?  Do we get together to do sports or TV?

Is their interest in porn valued the same as our interest in peace and joy?  Do we walk on eggshells because every interaction or gathering is a powder keg waiting to explode?  What’s the truth as we ride their emotional roller coaster?

Does support mean we buy our adult children out of their disasters in hopes they’ll finally grow up and stop withholding our grandchildren?  Do we act like servants or slaves to our toxic parents because they insist we owe them?  Do we let our negative, critical, bullying spouses or partners run our lives because they insist they know better?

Or do we all bring what’s exciting or wonderful: books, movies, art, sunsets, epiphanies, laughter, relaxed sharing, joy?

Who sets the tone; who gets to decide?
Do you decide what gets brought on your Isle of Song or do you let anyone vomit their toxic, emotional trash because they feel like it?  Are you’re a nice person who doesn’t say. “No?”

Suggestions for a wonderful life.
Take charge of your inner and outer space.  No guilt.  Bringing each other things that are “wows,” brings us together with those who are in the true family of our hearts, minds and spirits.  Of course we’ll deal with the usual stuff of life, but not out of fear, hurt, anger and righteousness.  We won’t lash out and we won’t be with people who are attacking, vindictive and hurtful.  We’ll deal with stuff as rapidly as we can, acting as the best people we can be.  And demand that code of behavior of others before we allow them on our Isle of Song.

Does that make us uncaring, unloving, selfish?
No.  That makes us have a joyous, bully-free space.  Other wonderful people will want to sing and dance with us in that space.  I thought that’s why we’re here anyway.  Not to give into the trashiest of people but to demand the highest quality – and laughter and kindness and joy.

Of course, there are many complications depending on your situation.  The best way to learn how to take power in your life and to be the person you want to be is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and counseling so you can:

1. Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.
2. Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to create the life your spirit has always hungered for.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert counseling and coaching by phone or Skype.

New joy when you've lost the old meaning, purpose of life

When the way we thought our lives would be is destroyed, how do we continue on?  How do we give new meaning and purpose to our lives?

In my counseling-coaching practice, I hear it all the time, “My life has no meaning now:”

• “I built my life around my children but they’ve estranged me and never want to see me again or let me see my grandchildren.”
• “I thought we were the perfect couple but she/he divorced me and never wants to see me again.”
• “I escaped my toxic, bullying, abusive parents.  Now they’re old and sick and still horrible, and they insist I take them in.”
• “I always wanted a large, warm happy family, but we can’t have children.  We’ll die all alone”

What meaning does your life have when the center you counted on has been destroyed?  When a life’s dream, built at age 5 or 10 or 15 or 20, has blown up and we’re left with rubble and maybe even no satisfactory explanations, how do we create new meaning in our lives?

It’s actually simple and clear, but very hard for many people.

I don’t think much about a meaning for my life.  Personal preference.  Instead, I think about what I choose to center my life around.  What do I want to do, intensely, passionately and with determination, given the givens of my situation?

That question has been around forever.  Disaster and death have usually been unexpected, rapid and totally life changing.  When plague or famine or tsunami swept through the villages of our ancestors, when the horde came over the hill and killed all the men and took all the women and children into slavery, when civil war, genocide and holocaust fell upon our ancestors and they lost everything and everybody, how did some survivors create new lives with new joys and new connections?

Simple: they created new lives; despite the loss, pain and maybe guilt.  They didn’t surrender to despair, defeat and depression.  They didn’t let the pain overwhelm them.  They didn’t forget the lost dreams and the old people, but they stepped, slowly and painfully, into new lives with new people that might bring joy and love.  They did it and you can too.

That’s the message of this season.
As the sun in the northern hemisphere slowly dies, new birth and new life awaits for each of us, if we struggle toward the light in our futures.  Like seeds, we must break free of our hard shell of pain and loss, and struggle to rise toward the warmth of new joys with new connections.  We must push through the pain and sorrow in order to bear new fruit.  We must create our own new meanings when the old ones are gone.

Be the hero your life.
You’re the only one who can do it.  What better do you have to do?

“You have to give up the life you planned in order to have the life that’s waiting for you.” James Hillman

Of course, there are many complications depending on your situation.  The best way to learn how to take power in your life and to be the person you want to be is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and counseling so you can:

1. Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.
2. Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to create the life your spirit has always hungered for.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert counseling and coaching by phone or Skype.

Relationship Problems? Be a scientist

How can we deal with horrible, seemingly intractable, relationship problems?  How can we get it right?

You know; stopping negative, controlling, bullying, abusive spouses or partners.  Stopping manipulative parents or toxic adult children or even two-year olds or teenagers.  Stopping obnoxious neighbors, acquaintances or friends.  Stopping people at work you hate to see.

Most of us try to figure out the right approach or we consult experts who’ll tell us the latest, sure-fire approach.  But that’s a poor way to live; guarantees self-doubt, insecurity and helplessness.

That “engineering” or “expert” approach is crucial in many areas of life.  Engineers, pilots, doctors, nurses and many others have to get it right.  If you’re building a bridge, flying a jumbo jet or trying to stop a life threatening illness we want you to get it right.

But when it comes to relationship problems, don’t try to be an engineer.  Live life as a scientist.  Scientist don’t need to get it right.  Scientists:

1. Do experiments.
2. Evaluate the results.
3. Use that information to plan the next experiment.
4. Repeat the cycle.

That’s how you get to where you want to be with less mental and emotional damage.

Really, we learned the hardest things that way; manipulating our parents to change and feed us at 2 am, walking, talking, bicycle riding, skiing, sailing, etc.

Some people call that trial-and-error.  That’s a mistake.  Instead, think of it as trial-and-course-correction.  Sounds better.  Gives you more comfort and freedom.  Or call it “the Method of Successive Approximations.”  That’s at the heart of computer algorithms and sounds really fancy.

So live life as a scientist.
Review all the previous experiments you’ve already done with those people.  List the results.  Plan the next experiment you want to try.  Do it.  Repeat.

You won’t get caught in analysis paralysis, obsessing on being perfect.  You’ll feel much better and freer.  You’ll see a wider range of possibilities.  Your feelings won’t be hurt while you move ahead.

History is not destiny.

Of course, there are many complications depending on your situation.  The best way to learn how to take power in your life and to be the person you want to be is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and counseling so you can:

1. Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.
2. Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to create the life your spirit has always hungered for.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert counseling and coaching by phone or Skype.