Olive (fictitious name) thought she’d been a loving and devoted parent but her 38-year-old son told her differently. He was critical, sarcastic, mean, cruel and abusive. Any time he wanted something, he repeated all the times she’d disappointed him or hurt his feelings, all the deprivation and pain she’d caused him growing up, all the times she’d yelled at him. She knew there was no deprivation; actually, she’d given him everything. She was sorry she’d yelled at him, but he’d provoked her repeatedly with his complaints, demands and resistance to doing anything she wanted. Simply put; he was a toxic, narcissist.
Olive didn’t trust her own judgment; she could never be sure.
She thought he was the problem, but she certainly could never convince him she’d given him everything she could afford and more. Every time she listed the things she’d done, and the love she’d expressed, he always said it wasn’t enough. His certainty and anger were so convincing, she thought she must be at fault, she must be guilty. When he bullied and attacked her, she felt like she was thrown out of her body; she didn’t have any way of connecting with the truth or with her own feelings.
She could never win an argument with him; he was never convinced. He filibustered and yelled. She could never get a word in to defend herself, so she’d given up and accepted his tirades.
When Olive found her Center, everything changed for her.
When she stayed in her body, when she felt connected to her Authentic Self, she accepted the truth she knew, in her heart-of-hearts. She knew and accepted her accurate opinion of him. She recognized all the times her son had criticized, bullied, abused and provoked her. She knew he was lying to himself. He’d created a fictional story that absolved him from any wrongdoing or from acknowledging his stupid mistakes. In his narrative, all his problems were her fault. Therefore, he was justified in making her pay anyway he wanted to at any moment.
Olive’s history told her that her intuition was accurate.
She remembered that she’d gotten a particular sensation, a physical feeling, whenever he looked at her a certain way. She knew he was about to go crazy and abuse her. She just wanted to run away. She remembered that she’d gotten this same sensation many times about him and also about her mother and a few men she’d dated and even about her husband. The sensation was not an emotional feeling, it was physical.
She also knew that every time she’d talked herself out of accepting that sensation as accurate (because she couldn’t prove what she knew in a court, because she didn’t want to believe she could sense other people accurately, that she couldn’t believe they’d really do bad things to her), she had paid a high price. Growing up, she knew her survival required that she ignore that knowing, those warnings, and accept the blame and keep her mouth shut or else.
Now she knew the sensation was always right, it was always accurate. She’d had similar feelings when she was full of hope for something good or full of fear that something bad might happen, but those feelings were not identical to the accurate one.
Olive decided to trust that sensation.
She knew that now she was an adult she could trust herself and act on what she knew to be accurate. She knew her life would be much better if she listened to that sensation and stayed in her body. She decided to trust her accurate intuition that her son was a nasty bully and nothing she could do, no amount of love and niceness or giving would change his attitude toward her. Then she began to think of the best way to do what her accurate intuition told her.
That meant cutting any economic ties to her son. She told him she’d never talk about money, and she’d never give him any money. Also, she would never allow him to verbally assault her or guilt-trip her. Their relationship would have to be based only on their desire to see each other and have a good time together.
Of course, there are many complications depending on your situation. The best way to learn how to take power in your life and to be the person you want to be is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and counseling so you can:
Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.
Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to create the life your spirit has always hungered for.
Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert counseling and coaching by phone or Zoom or Skype.