Jane finally saw that she’d been treated the same way by her husband and her sister.  They made nasty, cutting remarks; they were negative, critical, sarcastic and demeaning in private and especially in public.  But they always had a smile on their faces or they’d cover it up by laughing and saying they were only joking.

If Jane complained, they belittled her or made excuses.  She was just too sensitive, childish or had no sense of humor.  She could never prove that they really intended anything nasty.

Nevertheless Jane felt like they were stabbing her in the back or sticking pins and needles in places that were sore.  She was frustrated and enraged.

Jane had been taught that the most important value was to be polite, to be a nice, good girl.
So she held everything in.  She’d never let herself protest, say the things she wanted, be confrontational or made a scene.  But eventually she’d explode, usually with tears and rage.  Then she felt guilty and asked for forgiveness.  Since the angry scene was her fault, they made her pay with public humiliation.  Then they continued the same attacks.

Finally Jane saw their sneaky behavior as bullying and abuse.
She knew what she knew and she didn’t have to prove it to them or to anyone else.  Her determination to stop accepting that treatment was the key factor in her learning skills to say and do things that put them on the spot.

Now she was an adult and could make up her own mind, Jane decided there were values much more important to her than being polite in her old style.
For example, protecting her spirit from harm, standing up for what was right and true, and keeping her personal space free from trash and from bullies were much more important to her than being polite.

So Jane learned how to be polite, kindly and very firm when she had to.
She learned how to make revealing come-backs or pointed comments of her own, all with a smile.  She became willing to embarrass them in public.  After all, they were telling her what she had to do in order to get them to stop demeaning her.

She was somewhat surprised when her husband changed how he treated her but her sister would not.  She realized that her sister was too jealous and narcissistic to give up her old ways, even though the rest of the family supported Jane and distanced themselves from her sister.

This pattern of sneaky bullying and use of our politeness is found in every area of our lives; bullying boyfriends and girlfriends, spouses, parents, children, adult children, siblings, supposed friends and coworkers count on our politeness to let them get away with sticking daggers in us while they smile sweetly.

Of course, there are many complications depending on your situation.  The best way to learn how to take power in your life and to be the person you want to be is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and counseling so you can:

  1. Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.
  2. Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to create the life your spirit has always hungered for.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert counseling and coaching by phone or Skype.

AuthorBen Leichtling