Ruth (fictitious name) had been unable to set boundaries with her 33-year-old daughter for decades, but her daughter simply wouldn’t agree to Ruth’s boundaries. Then Ruth realized she had the same problem with her mother and her husband.
No matter how many times Ruth explained how hurt she’d been and what she needed, they wouldn’t accept her reasoning, explanations or cries of pain. It was as if they didn’t care how she felt or what she wanted.
Those narcissists continued to control, bully and abuse her. They used her as their personal servant. Her job was to serve them and make them happy. Her wants, needs and happiness didn’t matter. Only their wishes counted. When she said she didn’t want to do something or when she objected to their treatment of her, they said she was too selfish or too sensitive. That emotional blackmail had worked all her life. They said that since they disagreed with the boundaries she was trying to set, they could ignore what she wanted.
Ruth had spent a lifetime trying to get them to listen, to understand and to accept her boundaries.
But they never understood or listened. Their negativity, criticism, put-downs, bullying and abuse continued unabated. Their demands on her time, energy and sometimes money escalated every time she said she was willing to listen to their side of things.
Surely, Ruth thought, they didn’t understand how much pain she was feeling, how trapped she felt. If only she could find the right words, they’d understand and then listen to her.
Surely, they must be right. She was the common denominator; she must be overly sensitive and very selfish since she wanted to put her wishes first. How could she make them so unhappy? Every time she thought of resisting, she felt so guilty.
With coaching, Ruth realized they simply wanted their own way; they didn’t want to stop using and abusing her.
When Ruth examined her history with them, she realized they knew perfectly well what they were demanding and doing. In fact, whenever she wanted to do anything for herself, they made sure they blocked Ruth’s attempt. Their demands were perfectly timed and cleverly phrased so she had to give up what she wanted and, instead, serve what they wanted. Whether they were doing it consciously or simply out of habit, the pattern was clear.
To Ruth, it felt mean and cruel.
Setting boundaries depends only on you and requires consequences.
Setting boundaries does not require that they understand or agree. Setting boundaries is unilateral; it’s 100 percent you. You begin with what you want or don’t want. You decide and then you act. Of course, as a nice person, Ruth will still take them into account, but always according to Ruth’s standards and values.
There’s a simple three-step process.
First, Ruth decided what to do or not do. Sometimes, she told them, sometimes she didn’t. Her time and energy were hers, to do with as she wanted.
When she thought it was useful, she told them the consequences if they didn’t listen to her.
Then, calmly and with a smile, she simply applied the consequences. She didn’t try to educate, debate or argue cleverly enough that they agreed to accept what she wanted.
If they disagreed with her decisions, she smiled and simply did what she said she would. Sometimes, she even allowed herself to make up new consequences on the spot. When they said that was unfair, she laughed and said she felt comfortable doing what she wanted. When they said she was selfish, she smilingly said she was the giver and they were selfish in their demands. When they said they would not see her again, she said that was their choice. Her choice was to do what she’d said.
A few examples:
When her adult daughter yelled at her because Ruth didn’t give her money to enjoy a long weekend vacation, Ruth simply said she wasn’t going to listen to temper tantrums. And Ruth hung up, and then didn’t answer her daughter’s calls until three days later when her daughter started being nice on her voice messages.
When her mother insisted that Ruth drop everything and drive an hour to pick her up and take her shopping right away, Ruth said she already had an appointment and wasn’t going to cancel it. When her mother started arguing, Ruth gave her the phone number of a local supermarket that would deliver food. Then Ruth went to her appointment.
Ruth told her husband she had a big work project to do at home that evening, so she needed peace and quiet. As was his usual pattern, he changed his plans and showed up suddenly with friends to watch some sports. He demanded she prepare food for them. She packed her work and left to do what she had to. And didn’t come back until the next day.
At first, they tried lots of different tactics to beat her into submission. Then, they tried to manipulate and guilt-trip her. But as she calmly and smilingly increased the consequences, her mother and her adult daughter demanded less and gave back more. Her husband still refused to listen. What she did to him is another story.
Of course, there are many complications depending on your situation. The best way to learn how to take power in your life and to be the person you want to be is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and counseling so you can:
Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.
Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to create the life your spirit has always hungered for.
Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert counseling and coaching by phone or Zoom or Skype.