Bullies want to get their way and they’ll use any tactics to win. One of their common tactics is to use your perfectionism to increase your self-doubt, hesitation and paralysis. Then you’ll give in.
For example: Whenever Jane tried to complain about her boyfriend’s relentless and on-going criticism, negativity, put-downs and demands, he brought up the rare times she yelled at him. Since he was right about those few times, Jane felt she had no right to complain about his abuse. So she always gave in. But her anger kept building and eventually she’d blow again. Then she’d feel guilty she wasn’t perfect and let him abuse her again.
Another example: Sandra’s son, backed by his wife, constantly complained about what she hadn’t given him when he was growing up. Sandra worked hard as single-parent but he still yelled about what he hadn’t gotten, how much he hates her and how he hopes she suffers the rest of her life. He and his wife were abusive and bullying, especially at the holidays or when they wanted something and she hesitated. His unhappiness is a club aimed at her heart. Sandra knew she wasn’t perfect, so she kept trying to give him enough to make him happy.
Both Jane and Sandra are trapped by their own beliefs.
For example: “If I wasn’t perfect, I can’t complain,” and “Since I wasn’t perfect, he’s right to beat me up and I have to keep giving until he’s satisfied.”
With beliefs like that, they’ll never win. Their bullies will never be happy. Why should they be? As long as they’re unhappy, they get what they want.
The key for both Jane and Sandra was to realize they didn’t have to be perfect to get what they wanted. Sandra didn’t have to be perfect to stop her son from vomiting on her shoes. Jane didn’t have to be perfect to demand that she be treated well.
Bullies tell you, you have to be perfect, according to them, before they treat you decently.
And they decide what’s perfect enough.
So give up perfectionism and get the blood-sucking predators out of your personal space.
Of course, there are many complications depending on your situation. The best way to learn how to take power in your life and to be the person you want to be is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and counseling so you can:
- Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.
- Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to create the life your spirit has always hungered for.
Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert counseling and coaching by phone or Skype.