Jane finally realized her daughter, Debbie, was a 36 year-old narcissist.

They’d be talking and suddenly Debbie would go off; cursing, yelling, threating, bullying, abusing and throwing up every hurt feeling every time Jane failed to please her.  Everything wrong with Debbie’s life was Jane’s fault.  

Jane finally saw the pattern; Debbie was constantly testing her to see if Jane loved her more than anyone else.
Any time Jane praised someone or thought someone was smart or helpful or kind, Debbie would explode.  Any time Jane wouldn’t cancel an appointment or change her plans to do what Debbie wanted on the slightest whim, Debbie would go off.  Any time Jane wouldn’t pay for anything Debbie wanted, Debbie would go off.

Nothing Jane did could ever show Debbie her mother loved her enough.
Debbie’s emotional bucket had no bottom; Jane would never be able to fill it.  Only Debbie could built a bottom for her bucket.

Jane realized her daughter wanted her to be her slave.
Debbie wanted Jane to do what she wanted, to endure the tongue lashings and to come back for more.  Debbie wanted Jane to devote all her time and energy to pleasing her; no one else.  Debbie wanted her mother to feel guilty and to take the blame for having failed her.

Debbie has some choices:

  1. Take the beatings and keep coming back to explain, reason, debate and prove her love in hopes of educating or satisfying her daughter.
  2. Set behavioral boundaries; Debbie gets access to Jane only when she behaves herself.  At the moment Debbie begins to go off, Jane will hang up or cut her off.
  3. The same behavioral-based approach as number two plus being clear Jane is lengthening the time between contacts each time Debbie blows.  And no money until Debbie behaves like a polite, civilized, loving daughter for at least one year.

Notice, in the last two choices, Jane is no longer trying to please Debbie.  Jane is testing Debbie; not for love, but for polite, civilized behavior.  She’ll no longer let Debbie dump her toxic emotional waste in Jane’s space.

Debbie will hate the last two choices because Jane is taking charge of the interactions.  Slaves are punished for doing that.  It proves Jane doesn’t love her.  Debbie will attack and try to beat Jane into submission, like she’s always done.

Jane is really thankful Debbie hasn’t had children yet because Debbie would blackmail her by withholding visits with her grandchildren.  Jane used to worry every time family members took Debbie’s side and begged Jane to be nice or to be the more spiritual and loving person, and overlook Debbie’s rants.

There are many other types of narcissistic behavior, but see if this pattern fits which people in your life.

Of course, there are many complications depending on your situation.  The best way to learn how to take power in your life and to be the person you want to be is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and counseling so you can:

  1. Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.
  2. Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to create the life your spirit has always hungered for.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert counseling and coaching by phone or Skype.

AuthorBen Leichtling