What’s a good relationship?
That’s the wrong question. It’s non-specific and it implies there’s one type of relationship that’s good.
Better question: “What relationship do we want to have with which people?” And I’m specifically asking: “What do we want to talk about and do with which people?”
First consider, “Which people?”
We have different relationships with a person at the checkout of a supermarket, with a car mechanic, with a difficult boss, co-worker or employee, and with our spouses, partners, parents and our children.
Yes, there are some constants but not many. We don’t want to tell our bosses or neighbors everything we’d tell our spouses. We don’t tell manipulative, bullying, backstabbing, abusive friends or relatives, parents or adult children the same things we’d tell people who are kind, caring and have no hidden agendas. We don’t tell hungry wolves or crazy people the same things we tell people we know will care for and about us.
So, make a list with space for each person and then we’ll ask the next question.
What do we focus on with each person?
Many people have relationships filled completely with melodrama. Whose feelings are hurt or who’s angry? What’s the latest turmoil in whose life? Whose feelings and issues are always the center of attention? Do we analyze people’s motives and try to predict the future?
Or is the communication always about celebrities or sports? Or about how to straighten out the world? Do we get together to do sports or TV?
Is their interest in porn valued the same as our interest in peace and joy? Do we walk on eggshells because every interaction or gathering is a powder keg waiting to explode? What’s the truth as we ride their emotional roller coaster?
Does support mean we buy our adult children out of their disasters in hopes they’ll finally grow up and stop withholding our grandchildren? Do we act like servants or slaves to our toxic parents because they insist we owe them? Do we let our negative, critical, bullying spouses or partners run our lives because they insist they know better?
Or do we all bring what’s exciting or wonderful: books, movies, art, sunsets, epiphanies, laughter, relaxed sharing, joy?
Who sets the tone; who gets to decide?
Do you decide what gets brought on your Isle of Song or do you let anyone vomit their toxic, emotional trash because they feel like it? Are you’re a nice person who doesn’t say. “No?”
Suggestions for a wonderful life.
Take charge of your inner and outer space. No guilt. Bringing each other things that are “wows,” brings us together with those who are in the true family of our hearts, minds and spirits. Of course we’ll deal with the usual stuff of life, but not out of fear, hurt, anger and righteousness. We won’t lash out and we won’t be with people who are attacking, vindictive and hurtful. We’ll deal with stuff as rapidly as we can, acting as the best people we can be. And demand that code of behavior of others before we allow them on our Isle of Song.
Does that make us uncaring, unloving, selfish?
No. That makes us have a joyous, bully-free space. Other wonderful people will want to sing and dance with us in that space. I thought that’s why we’re here anyway. Not to give into the trashiest of people but to demand the highest quality – and laughter and kindness and joy.
Of course, there are many complications depending on your situation. The best way to learn how to take power in your life and to be the person you want to be is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and counseling so you can:
- Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.
- Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to create the life your spirit has always hungered for.
Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert counseling and coaching by phone or Skype.