June got it with a start that almost knocked her over. Once again she’d been trying to rescue her 35 year-old son and, as always, he’d pushed her away and slapped her with his angry words. She could lead him to water but he wouldn’t drink. Actually, he refused to let her lead him.
She got it: she was trying to enable him once more, she was meddling in his life again so he didn’t fail. And he didn’t want her.
But how could she love him if she didn’t try to save him?
How could she a good mom, a good person, if she didn’t try to rescue him, if she didn’t try to protect him from pain or if she didn’t try to explain what he needed to hear?
Enabling, rescuing, meddling aren’t the meaning of “love” to a 35 year-old son with his own job and his own family. That definition of love had led June to the fix she was in. She needed a better definition of love.
June got it. She was meddling where she wasn’t wanted and he hated her for it.
Part of the reason he hated her was that she was right. But he didn’t want to hear that. In response to her meddling, he’d yelled at her, criticized her, cursed her and blamed all his troubles on her. So he’d left and taken his kids, saying she’d never see them again.
For days afterward he sent bullying, blaming and abusive texts. His messy life was all her fault. She was to blame and she had to admit her guilt.
Despite the pain and anguish, June decided to try a new approach:
- She wouldn’t act like his mommy anymore. She wouldn’t give him money. She wouldn’t be available every moment when he wanted to use her as a baby sitter. She wouldn’t give him advice.
- He was already out of the nest physically, so she’d kick him out of the nest emotionally; his problems were his problems. He claimed to be an adult, so let him solve his own problems.
- She’d try to set boundaries so she could have the same kind of adult relationship she had with her closest friends. They had to be polite and civil, they shared mutual interests, and when there was a problem, they talked it out nicely.
June’s son required a long time before he believed the shift in June and even longer to accept it. He needed her as a scapegoat for his failures and he really needed her to bail him out of his bad decisions and failures. He hated that she wouldn’t give him endless amounts of money or make endless excuses for his behavior or be his whipped slave.
June was testing to see if the only reasons he wanted contact with her were to get her money and to vent on her body. I think it was his need of her baby sitting that finally brought him back. Whatever the reason, that was the start of building a bridge between two adults.
Of course, there are many complications depending on your situation. The best way to learn how to take power in your life and to be the person you want to be is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and counseling so you can:
- Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.
- Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to create the life your spirit has always hungered for.
Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert counseling and coaching by phone or Skype.