Nelly (fictitious name) thought she didn’t even know her 26-year-old son anymore; he was so different since he’d gotten married. In his senior year of college, he’d met a girl and within two months they’d gotten married. He said he couldn’t say, “No,” because she’d pursued him desperately and relentlessly; she loved him so much.
Her mother had been very eager for them to get married. Her mom said she was sensitive and fragile, and he had to give her whatever she wanted.
Nelly met her for the first time at their wedding, which was a fiasco for Nelly. The girl and her mother had arranged everything. None of Nelly’s family was allowed to attend. Her son said he knew he had to go along with their plans or his new wife-to-be would be devastated, throw a fit, threaten suicide, and it would be his fault for not cooperating. He confided that the best thing he could do was to go along with everything she wanted.
After that, her son’s wife made him move across the country to be near her mother. Three children followed in rapid succession. Nelly soon learned that every contact she made with her son led to his wife being easily offended. Imagined and minor slights were blown up, and she was always angry at Nelly. Her son told her his relationship with Nelly was too close; he needed to break away from her to become a man. Therefore, Nelly was not allowed to visit; all holidays were with his wife’s mother. He said his wife would raise their children her way; any help or advice from Nelly was unasked for and not wanted. If Nelly wanted to set up an appointment to see them and the babies, she was being too pushy and controlling. But his wife’s mother could come over any time, and then move in with them so the two of them could help Nelly’s son learn how to be a dutiful husband.
I always observe who people marry.
Nelly’s son had married someone who was intent on isolating him from his mother and the rest of his family. His wife was controlling, bullying, abusive and narcissistic.
Why had he married her and accepted her rules and control? Somewhere, latent within him had been the willingness to be agreeable, rescuing and controlled. Over a few years, and with three children as leverage, she’d magnified and converted Nelly’s son’s willingness to be nice and to please his wife, his unwillingness to argue and resist, into the resentment, nastiness and cruelty that had taken over his personality and his life. He was no longer a nice, sweet, kind person. He was a shell of his former self, acting out his wife’s need to hate and control. He gave up the values and life he’d wanted, and for the sake of a little peace and quiet, became a slave to his wife.
Analyzing “why” he’d done that is a waste of time.
Nelly’s son did not choose someone who wanted to support and encourage the strong family ties he once had the person and he wanted to become. Analyzing what caused her son to become such a slave is a waste of time. So is diagnosing his wife or searching for why she and her mother had become the toxic controllers they were. None of those guesses or explanations will help Nelly change the situation. Her son is committed and won’t hear anything against his wife. At this point, he won’t leave the children.
Also, guilt, self-recrimination and self-bullying won’t help Nelly.
What can Nelly do to save her son and her grandchildren?
She can’t save them. So long as her son gives control of his life to his wife, Nelly can’t intervene. If she tries, her son will be ordered to get a restraining order against her and to estrange completely from her.
All she can do is minimize contact with them in order to minimize the pain they cause her. She can send presents in large boxes to her grandchildren, no matter what her daughter-in-law says. She can pray for a miracle and hope and wait. Someday, maybe, her son will come to her with a get-away plan and a request for help. Then she’ll see what she can do.
In the meantime, Nelly has an excruciating task: To make her life as wonderful as she can while her heart is breaking. She’s not the first mother to have done that.
Of course, there are many complications depending on your situation. The best way to learn how to take power in your life and to be the person you want to be is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and counseling so you can:
Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.
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