June finally got it. She said firmly and resolutely, “What a waste. I’ve been wasting my life trapped in my adult kids’ melodramas. Never again!”
Suddenly her future got bright and warm. She could see the future she wanted so much. We could see and hear her strength and determination. She was mentally, emotionally and spiritually free. A huge weight had been lifted off both her shoulders and heart. It was clear and simple and immediate. All she had to do now, was make it real by her actions.
She had to withdraw from dealing with their emotional turmoil, from solving their problems. They weren’t kids anymore; they were adults. No more negativity, anger, rebellion, blame, guilt, bullying, manipulation, hidden agendas or abuse. They had tried it all. No more endless psychotherapy about who said or did what and why. No more emotional vomiting about each other’s feelings. No more fighting over who got the biggest piece of pie. She wouldn’t let those kind of soap-operas into her house through the television, so why let that in through personal interactions?
She wanted adult relationships.
What’s an adult relationship for June?
First, the content, the focus of what she wanted to talk about and do together.
June had wonderful friends who loved and cared for each other in ways that felt good. When difficult situations came up in their lives, they each commiserated and explored how to solve the problems. But personal psychodrama and melodrama were not the subjects of their interactions. Mostly they brought each other books, movies, art, music and heroines to each other. Most of them loved nature so they walked together, took day trips and the more physical went off to the woods and lakes.
They brought their excitement to each other. They stimulated each other with what they brought each other. Their lives were fun, even with all the mundane things they had to deal with and all the sudden tragedies.
She wanted that with her children also.
Second, the style or processes they used with each other.
Her friends were kindly and considerate of each other. They listened carefully and talked respectfully. They put their disparities in money, position and prestige aside. They put petty envy or jealousy aside. If someone had feelings about something, they didn’t attack anyone’s character or good will; they brought it up straightforwardly and discussed it.
That was easy for June and her friends. But how about with her adult children?
June had thought she couldn’t demand that with her children. She’d though a mother’s role was supposed to be different from a friends. She’d though she simply had to love her children and give them everything they wanted to make them happy. She thought she had to put up with everything they did to each other and to her while she tried to teach them lessons they evidently hadn’t learned growing up.
Now she decided to offer them a better way to be happy. She told them what she wanted, what she’d allow in her space. She told them she was re-training them to be good adults. She hoped they’d get it and enjoy it. She hoped they’d apply the same standards to their relationships with each other and with their friends.
It was difficult at first as her children wanted to draw her back into the personal swamps they’d gotten used to. But, one-by-one, most of the children accepted her rules for her personal space. And they found they could have a better time together.
The happier June became with her life, the more her life opened up, the brighter her future became.
Of course, everyone is different about what they want to fill their lives with.
And of course the same goal applies toward our extended families and friends, and our interactions at work.
Of course, there are many complications depending on your situation. The best way to learn how to take power in your life and to be the person you want to be is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and counseling so you can:
- Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.
- Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to create the life your spirit has always hungered for.
Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert counseling and coaching by phone or Skype.