Stop the toxic melodrama

June finally got it.  She said firmly and resolutely, “What a waste.  I’ve been wasting my life trapped in my adult kids’ melodramas.  Never again!”

Suddenly her future got bright and warm.  She could see the future she wanted so much.  We could see and hear her strength and determination.  She was mentally, emotionally and spiritually free.  A huge weight had been lifted off both her shoulders and heart.  It was clear and simple and immediate.  All she had to do now, was make it real by her actions.

She had to withdraw from dealing with their emotional turmoil, from solving their problems.  They weren’t kids anymore; they were adults.  No more negativity, anger, rebellion, blame, guilt, bullying, manipulation, hidden agendas or abuse.  They had tried it all.  No more endless psychotherapy about who said or did what and why.  No more emotional vomiting about each other’s feelings.  No more fighting over who got the biggest piece of pie.  She wouldn’t let those kind of soap-operas into her house through the television, so why let that in through personal interactions?

She wanted adult relationships.
What’s an adult relationship for June?

First, the content, the focus of what she wanted to talk about and do together.
June had wonderful friends who loved and cared for each other in ways that felt good.  When difficult situations came up in their lives, they each commiserated and explored how to solve the problems.  But personal psychodrama and melodrama were not the subjects of their interactions.  Mostly they brought each other books, movies, art, music and heroines to each other.  Most of them loved nature so they walked together, took day trips and the more physical went off to the woods and lakes.

They brought their excitement to each other.  They stimulated each other with what they brought each other.  Their lives were fun, even with all the mundane things they had to deal with and all the sudden tragedies.

She wanted that with her children also.

Second, the style or processes they used with each other.
Her friends were kindly and considerate of each other.  They listened carefully and talked respectfully.  They put their disparities in money, position and prestige aside.  They put petty envy or jealousy aside.  If someone had feelings about something, they didn’t attack anyone’s character or good will; they brought it up straightforwardly and discussed it.

That was easy for June and her friends.  But how about with her adult children?
June had thought she couldn’t demand that with her children.  She’d though a mother’s role was supposed to be different from a friends.  She’d though she simply had to love her children and give them everything they wanted to make them happy.  She thought she had to put up with everything they did to each other and to her while she tried to teach them lessons they evidently hadn’t learned growing up.  

Now she decided to offer them a better way to be happy.  She told them what she wanted, what she’d allow in her space.  She told them she was re-training them to be good adults.  She hoped they’d get it and enjoy it.  She hoped they’d apply the same standards to their relationships with each other and with their friends.

It was difficult at first as her children wanted to draw her back into the personal swamps they’d gotten used to.  But, one-by-one, most of the children accepted her rules for her personal space.  And they found they could have a better time together.

The happier June became with her life, the more her life opened up, the brighter her future became.

Of course, everyone is different about what they want to fill their lives with.

And of course the same goal applies toward our extended families and friends, and our interactions at work.

Of course, there are many complications depending on your situation.  The best way to learn how to take power in your life and to be the person you want to be is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and counseling so you can:

1. Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.
2. Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to create the life your spirit has always hungered for.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert counseling and coaching by phone or Skype.

Boundary-pushers will eat you...bite-by-bite

In the past five years, Jane’s 36 year-old daughter had spoken to her 5 times.  Actually, she hadn’t spoken; she’d screamed at Jane in public and private, saying her life was ruined because Jane had never loved her enough or given her enough.  Jane was evil, selfish and uncaring; followed a bunch of foul names.  She hoped Jane would rot in hell forever.by

But now Jane’s daughter wanted to come home for just a month with her surly 15 year-old son and two dogs.  She was divorcing and needed a place to stay, but, she assured Jane, it would only be until she could get enough money together to get her own place.  She said she still hated Jane but she’d be willing to put up with Jane for a little while.

This sounded to Jane like the last time, 10 years previously, when she’d allowed her daughter to come home for just a month.  He daughter had promised to help with the chores, take care of her dogs, take care of her son and work hard so she could move out.  But none of those promises had been kept.  Life was no fun for her daughter so each week she’d dropped one of the promises permanently.  Soon her daughter went out all day and evening with her friends, dumping Jane’s grandson on her whenever she felt like it.  She didn’t look for a job.  She still berated and cursed Jane whenever she wanted.  She’d only left after 5 years because it was more convenient to move in with the boyfriend she later married.

In a similar vein, Jack and his wife of 20 years were finally divorcing.  They’d reach a settlement for all their stuff.  Jack’s wife was interested in moving in with her boyfriend as soon as Jack gave her all she thought she wanted and deserved.  Jack tried to be fair and, as usual in their marriage, had given her what she’d demanded.

At the last meeting before presenting the signed agreement to a judge, Jack’s wife suddenly gave Jack an additional list of demands she’d decided she wanted.  Even her lawyer was surprised.  It made no sense to Jack.

The similarity between the two situations is in the boundary pushing.
Both Jane’s daughter and Jack’s wife made agreements and then didn’t keep them.  Then they’d want to open a new negotiation during which Jane and Jack would give them more.

Jane’s daughter tried to beat Jane into submission using blame and guilt and promises of a new life.  Jack’s wife manipulated him, through endless demands that she thought reasonable or simply by not making agreements.  Both Jane’s daughter and Jack’s wife thought they were right and deserving; they didn’t have to keep any agreements Jane and Jack forced them into.

Boundary pushers are relentless predators.  They criticize, bully, and abuse us into giving in.  The push all our buttons – guilt, anxiety, fear, decency, kindness.  They’re relentless until we give in – bite-by-bite.

Only after Jane and Jack acknowledged the pattern they’d seen but had tried to avoid admitting, only after Jane and Jack were willing to give up trying to rescue, please or save people they loved, only then could they begin to create lives they wanted with new people they wanted.  Only after they make the commitment to the futures they wanted, could they learn new beliefs and use new skills effectively.

Negotiating with some teenagers and two-year olds cam feel the same way.

Of course, there are many complications depending on your situation.  The best way to learn how to take power in your life and to be the person you want to be is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and counseling so you can:

1. Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.
2. Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to create the life your spirit has always hungered for.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert counseling and coaching by phone or Skype.

Narcissists are terrorists at home

“Terrorist” can be a more powerful word than “narcissist” to motivate us to stop bullies at home.

Many people have said that once they saw their abusers – their spouse, their toxic parent, their teenager, their toxic adult child, their supposed friend – as terrorists, all those negative, critical, controlling, manipulative, destructive actions, the lies, the gas-lighting, the put-downs became clear and they could rally themselves to defeat their oppressor.  Terrorist accurately described the terror they felt when being attacked by those vicious predators.

Narcissist, they said, was a nice, psycho-jargon word but it led them to endless analysis and to little compelling energy to defend themselves.

The label was all it took for them to see, instantly, the patterns; to see the future if they didn’t get help to resist; to decide to fight back.  They knew, instantly, that reasoning, education and negotiation aren’t effective when dealing with terrorists.  The label relieved them of self-doubt and guilt.

Of course the fight would be hard, but at least, they knew what they were up against.

Of course, there are many complications depending on your situation.  The best way to learn how to take power in your life and to be the person you want to be is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and counseling so you can:

1. Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.
2. Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to create the life your spirit has always hungered for.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert counseling and coaching by phone or Skype.

Bullies use your perfectionism

Bullies want to get their way and they’ll use any tactics to win.  One of their common tactics is to use your perfectionism to increase your self-doubt, hesitation and paralysis.  Then you’ll give in.

For example: Whenever Jane tried to complain about her boyfriend’s relentless and on-going criticism, negativity, put-downs and demands, he brought up the rare times she yelled at him.  Since he was right about those few times, Jane felt she had no right to complain about his abuse.  So she always gave in.  But her anger kept building and eventually she’d blow again.  Then she’d feel guilty she wasn’t perfect and let him abuse her again.

Another example: Sandra’s son, backed by his wife, constantly complained about what she hadn’t given him when he was growing up.  Sandra worked hard as single-parent but he still yelled about what he hadn’t gotten, how much he hates her and how he hopes she suffers the rest of her life.  He and his wife were abusive and bullying, especially at the holidays or when they wanted something and she hesitated.  His unhappiness is a club aimed at her heart.  Sandra knew she wasn’t perfect, so she kept trying to give him enough to make him happy.

Both Jane and Sandra are trapped by their own beliefs.
For example: “If I wasn’t perfect, I can’t complain,” and “Since I wasn’t perfect, he’s right to beat me up and I have to keep giving until he’s satisfied.”

With beliefs like that, they’ll never win.  Their bullies will never be happy.  Why should they be?  As long as they’re unhappy, they get what they want.

The key for both Jane and Sandra was to realize they didn’t have to be perfect to get what they wanted.  Sandra didn’t have to be perfect to stop her son from vomiting on her shoes.  Jane didn’t have to be perfect to demand that she be treated well.

Bullies tell you, you have to be perfect, according to them, before they treat you decently.
And they decide what’s perfect enough.

So give up perfectionism and get the blood-sucking predators out of your personal space.

Of course, there are many complications depending on your situation.  The best way to learn how to take power in your life and to be the person you want to be is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and counseling so you can:

1. Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.
2. Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to create the life your spirit has always hungered for.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert counseling and coaching by phone or Skype.

Dreams die; life goes on - choose!

Dreams die – worse than we imagined.  But we live – why should we go on; how can we?

Divorce is the end of a dream – sometimes we can’t believe what they did.  Or our parents turn out to be manipulative, critical, controlling, toxic people.  Our children aren’t born the way we hoped.  Our grown children turn out to be angry, entitled, abusive and bullying.  Friends prove false, negative and backstabbing.  People at work are sneaky, steal our ideas, blame failures on us, get us fired.  And so it goes.

How can we stop dedicating ourselves to rebuilding those destroyed dreams?  How can we move on past our shattered lives?

Every situation is different.  Every torment is unique.

I was born in 1939 and grew up in the shade of the holocaust.  Some of the survivors became inspirations to me about why and how to live again.

The survivors had lost everything – parents, children, siblings, family, friends, generations worth of stuff – everything.  And I noticed there were two kinds.

Some had stopped living – they survived but merely existed in a walking shell of pain and sorrow.  They suffered and mourned every moment.  They carried a black cloud the rest of their lives.  Perpetual downers.  Who can blame them?

The others lived again.  They never forgot.  Sometimes they shared memories and we wept.  Yet, beyond grief, shame, guilt, blame, they moved ahead.  They laughed again, they played with the children, they found love, they made new families, they celebrated life.  Despite the anguish, they planted themselves as new crops and they had new harvests.

There is no Right-Way.  But there is choice – once and then again and then again; every morning the sun comes up and we’re still breathing.

I chose the second way, dedicated to life.
When I work with people, I say the first way is also legitimate.  But the second way, as hard and difficult and long, is the way of new growth and life.

When we raise our glasses to toast, “L’Chiam,” we toast “To life,” not because it’s particularly pleasant at a certain moment but because, no matter what, life itself is the sweetest gift.  We crave it and we must use it well.  We must use it to make new blossoms with the rest of it that we have.

Remember “The Martian.”  Keep living as long as you’re breathing.

And I love the quote from Rabindranath Tagore, “Let me not pray to be sheltered from dangers but to be fearless facing them. Let me not beg for the stilling of my pain but for the heart to conquer it.”    

Of course, there are many complications depending on your situation.  The best way to learn how to take power in your life and to be the person you want to be is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and counseling so you can:

1. Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.
2. Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to create the life your spirit has always hungered for.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert counseling and coaching by phone or Skype.

Does one mistake doom you?

Dylan’s parent were distraught.  They knew Dylan was very bright but he wasn’t working hard enough in high school to guarantee he’d get into one of the very best schools.  He didn’t participate in enough extra-curricular activities to compete with the very best students.  They were sure Dylan would be a failure in the race of life.  Dylan didn’t care.  He was very happy doing what he did.  He didn’t feel the need to compete all the time with all the other kids.

Of course, we all want our kids to be successful, to make enough money, to be happy.  But Dylan’s parent had a bad case of a lethal virus.

Dylan’s parents thought that if he wasn’t the absolute best he would never amount to anything.
If he didn’t get the best grades or participate in the right activities he’d be doomed.  If he didn’t get into the very best schools, he’d never make enough money, get the right wife, have a good enough career, be happy.  Only the very smartest could succeed.  Life was a battle ground and any slip meant doom forever.

Dylan’s parents were excellent at imagining catastrophes all the time.  They felt intense pressure and tried to infect Dylan with the same virus.  But Dylan wouldn’t accept their gift.  He thought he’d do good enough and be happy.  When he was interested in something he worked hard at it and got A’s.  He wanted to enjoy himself while he pursued his own interests.  He felt no guilt, shame or panic.

What happened to Dylan?
Does it matter to us what happened to him?  Would our behavior toward ourselves and our children or grandchildren be changed if the latest scientific study showed that a certain percent of people with Dylan’s attitude actually did not succeed?  Or another study showed that relentlessly panicked parents caused major psychological problems for a certain percent of their children?

Sure we worry that our children won’t be motivated enough to succeed.  Sure, we worry they might slack off until it’s too late.

Dylan’s parents were excellent at catastrophizing and “self-bullying.”
I think what’s pernicious and infectious is the idea that we must go from success to success or we’re doomed, that only the top 0.1% will succeed in life, that we have to go only to the top 10-20 schools or we’ll fail.

Those ideas are simply not true in almost every area of life.  Sure, there are only a few prima ballerinas, a few MVPs in any sport, a few world’s best in a few professions.  And driving off a cliff can doom us.  But all the rest of the world is open to people who have not had the most outstanding beginnings, or have failed sometimes on their way to success.  Most mistakes do not doom us.

Oh, Dylan did great but his parents lived their lives wringing their hands in despair and worrying what their friends would think.  The virus was lethal to their lives and spirits.  How sad.

Of course, there are many complications depending on your situation.  The best way to learn how to take power in your life and to be the person you want to be is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and counseling so you can:

1. Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.
2. Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to create the life your spirit has always hungered for.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert counseling and coaching by phone or Skype.

What's a good relationship?

What’s a good relationship?

That’s the wrong question.  It’s non-specific and it implies there’s one type of relationship that’s good.

Better question: “What relationship do we want to have with which people?”  And I’m specifically asking: “What do we want to talk about and do with which people?”

First consider, “Which people?”
We have different relationships with a person at the checkout of a supermarket, with a car mechanic, with a difficult boss, co-worker or employee, and with our spouses, partners, parents and our children.

Yes, there are some constants but not many.  We don’t want to tell our bosses or neighbors everything we’d tell our spouses.  We don’t tell manipulative, bullying, backstabbing, abusive friends or relatives, parents or adult children the same things we’d tell people who are kind, caring and have no hidden agendas.  We don’t tell hungry wolves or crazy people the same things we tell people we know will care for and about us.

So, make a list with space for each person and then we’ll ask the next question.

What do we focus on with each person?
Many people have relationships filled completely with melodrama.  Whose feelings are hurt or who’s angry?  What’s the latest turmoil in whose life?  Whose feelings and issues are always the center of attention?  Do we analyze people’s motives and try to predict the future?

Or is the communication always about celebrities or sports?  Or about how to straighten out the world?  Do we get together to do sports or TV?

Is their interest in porn valued the same as our interest in peace and joy?  Do we walk on eggshells because every interaction or gathering is a powder keg waiting to explode?  What’s the truth as we ride their emotional roller coaster?

Does support mean we buy our adult children out of their disasters in hopes they’ll finally grow up and stop withholding our grandchildren?  Do we act like servants or slaves to our toxic parents because they insist we owe them?  Do we let our negative, critical, bullying spouses or partners run our lives because they insist they know better?

Or do we all bring what’s exciting or wonderful: books, movies, art, sunsets, epiphanies, laughter, relaxed sharing, joy?

Who sets the tone; who gets to decide?
Do you decide what gets brought on your Isle of Song or do you let anyone vomit their toxic, emotional trash because they feel like it?  Are you’re a nice person who doesn’t say. “No?”

Suggestions for a wonderful life.
Take charge of your inner and outer space.  No guilt.  Bringing each other things that are “wows,” brings us together with those who are in the true family of our hearts, minds and spirits.  Of course we’ll deal with the usual stuff of life, but not out of fear, hurt, anger and righteousness.  We won’t lash out and we won’t be with people who are attacking, vindictive and hurtful.  We’ll deal with stuff as rapidly as we can, acting as the best people we can be.  And demand that code of behavior of others before we allow them on our Isle of Song.

Does that make us uncaring, unloving, selfish?
No.  That makes us have a joyous, bully-free space.  Other wonderful people will want to sing and dance with us in that space.  I thought that’s why we’re here anyway.  Not to give into the trashiest of people but to demand the highest quality – and laughter and kindness and joy.

Of course, there are many complications depending on your situation.  The best way to learn how to take power in your life and to be the person you want to be is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and counseling so you can:

1. Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.
2. Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to create the life your spirit has always hungered for.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert counseling and coaching by phone or Skype.

New joy when you've lost the old meaning, purpose of life

When the way we thought our lives would be is destroyed, how do we continue on?  How do we give new meaning and purpose to our lives?

In my counseling-coaching practice, I hear it all the time, “My life has no meaning now:”

• “I built my life around my children but they’ve estranged me and never want to see me again or let me see my grandchildren.”
• “I thought we were the perfect couple but she/he divorced me and never wants to see me again.”
• “I escaped my toxic, bullying, abusive parents.  Now they’re old and sick and still horrible, and they insist I take them in.”
• “I always wanted a large, warm happy family, but we can’t have children.  We’ll die all alone”

What meaning does your life have when the center you counted on has been destroyed?  When a life’s dream, built at age 5 or 10 or 15 or 20, has blown up and we’re left with rubble and maybe even no satisfactory explanations, how do we create new meaning in our lives?

It’s actually simple and clear, but very hard for many people.

I don’t think much about a meaning for my life.  Personal preference.  Instead, I think about what I choose to center my life around.  What do I want to do, intensely, passionately and with determination, given the givens of my situation?

That question has been around forever.  Disaster and death have usually been unexpected, rapid and totally life changing.  When plague or famine or tsunami swept through the villages of our ancestors, when the horde came over the hill and killed all the men and took all the women and children into slavery, when civil war, genocide and holocaust fell upon our ancestors and they lost everything and everybody, how did some survivors create new lives with new joys and new connections?

Simple: they created new lives; despite the loss, pain and maybe guilt.  They didn’t surrender to despair, defeat and depression.  They didn’t let the pain overwhelm them.  They didn’t forget the lost dreams and the old people, but they stepped, slowly and painfully, into new lives with new people that might bring joy and love.  They did it and you can too.

That’s the message of this season.
As the sun in the northern hemisphere slowly dies, new birth and new life awaits for each of us, if we struggle toward the light in our futures.  Like seeds, we must break free of our hard shell of pain and loss, and struggle to rise toward the warmth of new joys with new connections.  We must push through the pain and sorrow in order to bear new fruit.  We must create our own new meanings when the old ones are gone.

Be the hero your life.
You’re the only one who can do it.  What better do you have to do?

“You have to give up the life you planned in order to have the life that’s waiting for you.” James Hillman

Of course, there are many complications depending on your situation.  The best way to learn how to take power in your life and to be the person you want to be is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and counseling so you can:

1. Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.
2. Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to create the life your spirit has always hungered for.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert counseling and coaching by phone or Skype.

Relationship Problems? Be a scientist

How can we deal with horrible, seemingly intractable, relationship problems?  How can we get it right?

You know; stopping negative, controlling, bullying, abusive spouses or partners.  Stopping manipulative parents or toxic adult children or even two-year olds or teenagers.  Stopping obnoxious neighbors, acquaintances or friends.  Stopping people at work you hate to see.

Most of us try to figure out the right approach or we consult experts who’ll tell us the latest, sure-fire approach.  But that’s a poor way to live; guarantees self-doubt, insecurity and helplessness.

That “engineering” or “expert” approach is crucial in many areas of life.  Engineers, pilots, doctors, nurses and many others have to get it right.  If you’re building a bridge, flying a jumbo jet or trying to stop a life threatening illness we want you to get it right.

But when it comes to relationship problems, don’t try to be an engineer.  Live life as a scientist.  Scientist don’t need to get it right.  Scientists:

1. Do experiments.
2. Evaluate the results.
3. Use that information to plan the next experiment.
4. Repeat the cycle.

That’s how you get to where you want to be with less mental and emotional damage.

Really, we learned the hardest things that way; manipulating our parents to change and feed us at 2 am, walking, talking, bicycle riding, skiing, sailing, etc.

Some people call that trial-and-error.  That’s a mistake.  Instead, think of it as trial-and-course-correction.  Sounds better.  Gives you more comfort and freedom.  Or call it “the Method of Successive Approximations.”  That’s at the heart of computer algorithms and sounds really fancy.

So live life as a scientist.
Review all the previous experiments you’ve already done with those people.  List the results.  Plan the next experiment you want to try.  Do it.  Repeat.

You won’t get caught in analysis paralysis, obsessing on being perfect.  You’ll feel much better and freer.  You’ll see a wider range of possibilities.  Your feelings won’t be hurt while you move ahead.

History is not destiny.

Of course, there are many complications depending on your situation.  The best way to learn how to take power in your life and to be the person you want to be is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and counseling so you can:

1. Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.
2. Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to create the life your spirit has always hungered for.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert counseling and coaching by phone or Skype.

Be a participant in your life, not a spectator

Most of Wendy’s sentences had phrases like, “It’ll be interesting to see if I really do what I want,” “I hope I’ll do that,” and “What if I don’t carry through on my commitments.”

Wendy was a worrier.  She didn’t trust herself.  She knew that underneath her successful veneer a battle was going on, a war between two sides of her over which would take charge – her old childhood fears and rules versus her adult dedication to what she wanted now.

Wendy’s language was that of a bystander, a spectator of that struggle.  It was as if she was sitting on her couch watching a battle for her soul and future and never getting in the arena.

When Wendy looked at her struggle this way she was able to move forward.  She became determined to be a participant in her life.  Actually she took charge of her future by taking charge of the struggle.  She knew what she wanted to do, she knew what she wanted her life to look like.  So she brought both sides together as grown-ups and applied both to the path she wanted.

She felt clear and strong, even though she thought it wouldn’t be easy.  And she noticed her language changed to, “When I do this.”  She thought of her inner development as if she was strengthening the muscle of her courage and determination.  All it took was practice and perseverance.  And her muscles would naturally become stronger.

Wendy had decided to become the heroine of her life.
Her life needed one and who else was going to do the job?  She could resolve the conflict by being the major participant in her future and by getting both sides to help her get what they both wanted for her – a wonderful, joyous life…every day.

History is not destiny.

Of course, there are many complications depending on your situation.  The best way to learn how to take power in your life and to be the person you want to be is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and counseling so you can:

1. Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.
2. Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to create the life your spirit has always hungered for.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert counseling and coaching by phone or Skype.

How to avoid enabling, co-dependent relationships

Harry had a problem and a pattern.  He was the enabler, peace-maker and rescuer in an abusive household with alcoholic, narcissistic, manipulative, bullying, rage-aholic parents and siblings.  He finally accepted that he carried the same beliefs, fears, hopes, feelings and patterns into his relationships.  He could see why he’d adopted that strategy in order to cope with the horrible environment he was in when he was a child.  Now, he was a co-dependent adult child in his personal relationships.

At first, his girl friends were needy and desperate so he began giving advice and paying for everything.  Then they switched from nice to narcissistic, demanding and bullying.  He got hooked rescuing them for at least a year until he finally felt conned, got fed up, resisted, got into angry fights and finally left.

How could he avoid enabling, co-dependent relationships with women just like he’d grown up with?
The answer is simple but not easy.  Now that he saw the pattern, he didn’t need further analysis.  He simple started to test other people using himself as bait.  He stopped meddling in people’s lives, stopped rescuing and stopped trying to buy love.  He started talking about what he was excited about, what filled his spiritual gas tank.  He focused on what brought him joy.

He was fishing.  Who didn’t need rescued?  Who was interested in similar things, who brought their excitement and joy?  He kept those.

On the other hand, who was not interested?  Who wallowed only psychodrama, melodrama and analysis?  Who was angry and vindictive?  Who did he have to walk on egg shells around?  Who needed coddled, enabled and rescued?  He let those fish go.

The underlying shift in Harry was that he no longer had to make other people’s lives work.  He wasn’t responsible for pleasing other people or for curing all the pain in the world.  He only had to make his own life wonderful.  And create a family of his heart, mind and spirit.  As he did that more and more, his guilt and self-judgment slipped away and he became free.

Of course, many women (maybe even more) have the same pattern of rescuing narcissistic, bullying, abusive men.  Same ultimate solution.

Of course, there are many complications depending on your situation.  The best way to learn how to take power in your life and to be the person you want to be is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and counseling so you can:

1. Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.
2. Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to create the life your spirit has always hungered for.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert counseling and coaching by phone or Skype.

Toxic Parents: How to Forgive Them

Some parents have been toxic – narcissistic, controlling, manipulative, demanding, volatile, angry, vindictive, bullying and abusive.  Their children’s opinions were wrong, they wouldn’t be successful, they owed everything, they should pay the rest of their lives.  Their children grew up in terror – like growing up in a war zone or a concentration camp where you could never win.

But those predictions were wrong.  You did grow up.  You got away and created a life – maybe a job and family.

Those toxic parents now want you to forgive them and to have a relationship with them.  Should you?  Pretty scary.

How can we forgive them for the terrible, hurtful things they’ve said and done?
How can we forgive ourselves for not being perfect?  How can we protect ourselves from being used and abused, being put down, manipulated and controlled again?  More importantly, how can we get even closer to living the life we want?

Politically correct thinking for a few generations has been that we must evolve to forgive them and over look what they’ve done; that to be spiritually advanced (and to increase the chances that they’ll finally love us like we always wanted them to) we must forgive them; that we must open our hearts and lives to them over and over with infinite loving kindness; with unconditional love.

I think these ideas are wrong and they also don’t specify what is meant by forgiveness.

The true results of forgiveness are that:

1. We spend little time and energy thinking about people who’ve been cruel to us.
2. We’re protected from further harm by those people (no matter what the label is of the relationship).

Forgiving others.
Typically, we replay horrible incidents to remind ourselves to beware; as a motivation strategy to remind us to protect ourselves.

When we’re sure we’ll protect ourselves from further negativity, bullying and abuse, when we’re sure we won’t get sucked in again too far, then we can relax.  We can stop obsessing on what they did because we won’t need the motivation any more.  We can move on mentally, emotionally and spiritually in our lives.  Those people and their attacks can recede into the background because we don’t need the painful motivation strategy anymore.  We will protect ourselves naturally, automatically and easily.

Then we can forgive them in the sense that we wish them well, we hope they’ll have happy lives and we won’t think of the horrible things they did because now we’re safe.  We can love their spirit unconditionally even though we don’t like their personalities and refuse to volunteer for whippings.  We stop worrying and obsessing.

Forgiving ourselves – stop “self-bullying.”
We weren’t perfect.  According to who?  And so what?  Whatever we did in our struggle to get free; good for us.  We don’t have to be perfect in order to get good treatment.  We simply have to get rid of people who treat us badly.

Now we have to stop beating ourselves up in ways typically called “low self-confidence” or “low self-esteem.”  We know they treated us the way they did because they were bullies, not because we weren’t good enough.

Should we trust them?
No, we should trust ourselves and our accurate assessment about what they’re likely to do.

Even signs that they’ve changed – public apologies, public admissions of their lies and vicious attacks – are not enough.  Behavioral change is what matters.

Is there a Right Way?
No.  You choose how you want to live.  Your test is how great you feel, not the judgement of other people according to their standards.

A five-step process.

1. Let go of the need to be appreciated, respected, approved of, loved by them.  Create the true family of your heart, mind and spirit.
2. Specify the adult relationship you want.  Don’t use big words like “love” or “caring” or “nice.”  Write scenarios of specific behavior in specific situations.  What will you talk about that interests you?  What won’t you talk about?  In what areas don’t they get to voice their opinions?  When don’t they get to vote?
3. Mentally and physically, keep them miles away.  How must they treat you over how many months or years before you allow them a foot closer?
4. Their need does not mean you have to take care of them or let them closer.  Your terror counts more.  It’s always better for you to send a check if you feel you must than to put your body in harm’s way.
5. The first time they fall back into old habits – telling you about you or about what you should do – move them back to the original distance and cut off contact for another few years.  The first time you feel the old terror or hate – move them back to the original distance and cut off contact for another few years

 
Of course, there are many complications depending on your situation.  The best way to learn how to take power in your life and to be the person you want to be is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and counseling so you can:

1. Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.
2. Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to create the life your spirit has always hungered for.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert counseling and coaching by phone or Skype.

Estranged from narcissistic, toxic, adult children #8: Forgiveness

When our adult children have destroyed our hopes and dreams because they’ve turned out to be narcissistic, volatile, angry, vindictive, bullying and abusive, and they’ve estranged themselves from us, we often torment ourselves with problems of forgiveness.

How can we forgive them for the terrible, hurtful things they’ve said and done?  How can we forgive ourselves for the mistakes we made as parents?

Politically correct thinking for a few generations has been that we must evolve to forgive them and over look what they’ve done; that to be spiritually advanced (and to increase the chances that they’ll come back as loving, appreciative and respectful children) we must forgive them; that we must open our hearts and lives to them over and over with infinite loving kindness; with unconditional love.

I think these ideas are wrong and they also don’t specify what is meant by forgiveness.

The true results of forgiveness are that:

1. We spend little time and energy thinking about people who’ve been cruel to us.
2. We’re protected from further harm by those people (no matter what the label is of the relationship).

Typically, we replay horrible incidents to remind ourselves to beware; as a motivation strategy to remind us to protect ourselves.

Forgiving others.
Typically, those angry, adult children say their problems are all our fault, they’re angry for just cause and we deserve all the beatings and harshness they want to dish out whenever they want to.  Their unhappiness and anger are our fault and we should pay.  They can use us and discard us whenever they don’t want to use us; as if we’re slaves or servants.

When we’re sure we’ll protect ourselves from further negativity, bullying and abuse, when we’re sure we won’t get sucked in again too far, then we can relax.  We can stop obsessing on what they did because we won’t need the motivation any more.  We can move on mentally, emotionally and spiritually in our lives.  Those people and those attacks can recede into the background because we don’t need the painful motivation strategy anymore.  We will protect ourselves naturally, automatically and easily.

Then we can forgive them in the sense that we wish them well, we hope they’ll have happy lives and we won’t think of the horrible things they did because now we’re safe.  We can love their spirit unconditionally even though we don’t like their personalities and refuse to volunteer for whippings.  We stop worrying and obsessing unless there’s a specific event coming up in which we’ll be exposed to their attacks or loud, silent treatment again.

Usually, we want signs that they’ve changed – public apologies, public admissions of their lies and vicious attacks, making amends by returning the money we lent them, etc.  But we can still protect ourselves even if they’re still throwing temper tantrums.  Next time we’ll talk about apologies and promises.

If the meantime, we all know that it’s easier to stop thinking about them when we keep them far away – emotionally and physically.  Of course that’s hard.  That’s not how we want it to be.  But that may be how it is in order for us to be protected.

Forgiving ourselves.
For a few generations we’ve been taught that if someone is angry, we must have done something terrible to them.  So we worry, “What did I do wrong?  What am I doing wrong right now?  How can I make it up to them?”

The false reasoning is that if someone is angry they always have good reasons, someone must have wronged them.  The false reasoning is no one would ever use anger to get what they want just like kids throwing temper tantrums.  The false reasoning is that there are no anger addicts.  The false reasoning is also that if I could only say the magic words or give them enough, then they would love me.

So when they’re not beating us up or emotionally blackmailing or intimidating us, we beat ourselves up: “If only If was good enough?”

I call that “Self-Bullying.”
This is the most insidious type of bullying because we’re doing it to ourselves.  You know, that little voice inside that stacks up all our mistakes, all our failings, all our sins, “If only I was a better person, if only I had given them what they wanted when they were little, if only I hadn’t divorced, if only I hadn’t made their lives painful.”

Nonsense. Their feelings are not our fault.  Whatever the circumstances were, when we forgive ourselves we can see clearly that their feelings are not our fault.  Whatever the situations, they could have chosen to be strong and brave because of the challenges they faced.  They could have chosen to be less vindictive and nasty.

When we forgive ourselves, we are not abject beggars in life because we don’t deserve better.  Our futures open up again.  W We can think and feel and act better in the future.  We can find happiness, peace and serenity.  We can find and be worthy of people who will appreciate, love and cherish us.  We can create a family of our hearts, minds and spirits.

“Define yourself by the best that is in you, not by the worst that has happened to you.” Edward Lewis

Of course, there are many complications depending on your situation.  The best way to learn how to take power in your life and to be the person you want to be is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and counseling so you can:

1. Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.
2. Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to create the life your spirit has always hungered for.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert counseling and coaching by phone or Skype.

Stop Emotional Intimidators, Manipulators and Secret Narcissists

I’ve added a new video to my YouTube channel.  It’s a 5 minute clip on how to Stop Emotional Intimidators, Manipulators and Secret Narcissists.

We face these bullies everywhere – husbands and wives, friends, toxic parents, toxic adult children, and at work.  Overt intimidators, manipulators and narcissists are easy to recognize; they’re loud, obnoxious, threatening; in your face.  Sneaky intimidators, manipulators and narcissists are harder to recognize – but you already know how.  When you pay attention and see clearly what’s going on, you can learn to stop them.

First, your intuition recognizes that you’ve just be hit, stabbed, intimidated or manipulated.  Pay attention to that feeling; honor it.  Don’t talk yourself out of it because your mind can’t figure out what happened or you can’t prove it in court.  Trust your gut; act on its accurate message.

Second, learn to recognize how sneaky bullies, and emotional intimidators and manipulators attack you.  They want to control your life.  They always have good reasons and justifications why their way is best.  With them, you always feel defensive; you try to explain or justify yourself.  You try to prove you’re a good person; you mean well.  But sneaky manipulators and intimidators are never convinced.

Of course, there are many complications depending on your situation.  The best way to learn how to take power in your life and to be the person you want to be is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and counseling so you can:

1. Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.
2. Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to create the life your spirit has always hungered for.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert counseling and coaching by phone or Skype.

End personal relationships with narcissistic control freaks

I’ve added a new video to my YouTube channel.  It’s a 5 minute clip on how to end personal relationships with narcissistic control freaks.

Stop covert, sneaky bullies and narcissistic, control freaks in personal relationships.  Overt bullies are easy to recognize; they’re loud, obnoxious, threatening and in your face.  Sneaky, stealthy bullies are harder to recognize but there are seven early warning signs of bullying controllers.

You’re never going to change them.  They’re bullying, control-freaks.  Can you talk a hungry wolf out of eating you because you’re a vegetarian?  You’ll never be good enough for them.  You can’t deserve or earn good behavior from a narcissistic, toxic, control freak.

Ignore your self-bullying; that little voice that doesn’t like you, that tells you that the narcissistic control-freak might be right or that you must rescue or save them.  Trust your own gut.  Don’t get sucked in, like you would into a black hole.

If we don’t stop bullies, they’ll think we’re easy prey.  Like sharks, they’ll just go after us more.  What’s the price of tolerating bullies?  Slow erosion of our souls!

Of course, there are many complications depending on your situation.  The best way to learn how to take power in your life and to be the person you want to be is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and counseling so you can:

1. Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.
2. Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to create the life your spirit has always hungered for.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert counseling and coaching by phone or Skype.

Stop relationships with narcissistic, manipulative, toxic husbands

I’ve added a new video to my YouTube channel.  It’s a 5 minute clip on how to stop narcissistic, manipulative, controlling, toxic, bullying husbands.

No matter what your situation is, it’s not too late to get off that nightmarish merry-go-round for yourself and your children.  Get over the idea that harassment, controlling and abuse are what people do to women.  Get over the idea that people bully you because you’ve always been a victim, you are now and you always will be.

Instead, focus on the present.  History is not destiny.  Ask, “What behavior will you allow in your personal space and what won’t you allow, period – even if you’ve accepted and tolerated it before?”  Be guided by your dreams; that wonderful future is calling to you.  Starting now, you can do whatever it takes to make your dreams come true.  Say, “Enough!” – Just because you want to!

I know it may be difficult but it’s simple, straightforward and clear.  Set an example.  Don’t allow bullies in your environment.  Don’t be in theirs.

Of course, there are many complications depending on your situation.  The best way to learn how to take power in your life and to be the person you want to be is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and counseling so you can:

1. Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.
2. Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to create the life your spirit has always hungered for.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert counseling and coaching by phone or Skype.

Estranged from narcissistic, toxic, adult children or parents

I’ve added two new videos to my YouTube channel.  They’re 4-5 minute clips on specific areas of how to stop bullies at home and in relationships.

End estrangement from narcissistic, toxic, adult children:
You were not a bad parent; you didn’t do anything particularly wrong.  If anything you gave too much.  But now these adult bullies blame you for everything in their past and for all their present problems.  The hatred and anger, the manipulating and controlling, the bullying and abuse, goes on and on.

We talk about how to make something wonderful out of your remaining 20-30-40-50 years.  Be the hero of the rest of your life. Take charge of your future by taking charge of yourself.

Stop bullying by narcissistic, controlling, toxic parents:
Even though you’re an adult, narcissistic, controlling, toxic parents can still make your life miserable.  No matter how much they bullied and abused you when you were younger, they still claim you owe them respect and loyalty, and you should do what they want and need now.  They don’t value your opinion or standards; they know best; you’re not important, they are; you’re still the bad child; you’re selfish and ungrateful; and you’re crazy because you don’t accept their view of reality or of your motives.  Blah, blah, blah.

This is a test for you.  This is a moment of truth.  This is where you choose the beliefs, attitudes, rules and roles for yourself as an adult.  This is where you have a chance to throw off the burden of the brain-washing they subjected you to for years.

You must stand up against the culture they tried to beat you into.  You must start living by a new culture; one that fills your heart, mind and spirit.

You owe them nothing.  You owe everything to your future and the wonderful life you can create.  You owe everything to the family you need to protect and to set an example for.  Protecting your personal space is more important than ineffective old rules about “polite” behavior.

Of course, there are many complications depending on your situation.  The best way to learn how to take power in your life and to be the person you want to be is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and counseling so you can:

1. Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.
2. Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to create the life your spirit has always hungered for.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert counseling and coaching by phone or Skype.

Estranged from narcissistic, toxic, adult children #7: Transformation

When our narcissistic, volatile, angry, vindictive, bullying, abusive, toxic adult children have estranged themselves from us, the way ahead is painful but our choices are clear:

1. Wallow forever (the next 20-30-40-50 years) in the excruciating pain and loss of our life’s center.
2. A miracle through time, their life-experience and our prayers brings them back, either through talking it out or because we’ll never talk about it – but there’s a reconciliation and a gradual re-connection, especially with our grandchildren.
3. We are transformed and healed; we never get over but we do get through pain and loss and grief, and emerge a different person, ready to find happiness and joy in the world as it is for us.

Transformation is the miracle that has been wrought in our own lives.
We let go of our old ways of being – old rules, roles, beliefs, fears, hopes and dreams.  We are transformed spiritually into new beings, we are reborn into a new way of being.  We become people who let go of the old center of life that caused tremendous pain and anguish, and we become newly born with a new center.

We stop taking the blame for past mistakes and failures; we stop trying to convince those toxic children we love them; we stop trying to patch the holes in their emotional buckets.  We say, “Grow up.  Aspire to be wonderful adults.  And I’m not going on that emotional roller coaster with you anymore.”

We withdraw our energy from toxic people who return our love and caring with their anger, vindictiveness and scorn.  We stop worrying and obsessing on them.  We leave them and wish them well.  We take our love and caring to people to return it with their own appreciation, respect and love.  This new way of being in the world goes against the old way – centered only on blood.

We give to children in cancer wards; we give to veterans in hospitals and rehab centers; we give to those who receive with grace and gratitude our love, compassion and mercy.  We give to ourselves the gifts of love and peace and joy, of participating in a world with people who want us.

Of course it’s hard; being reshaped in the fire of loss and pain is always hard; going on a new adventure with new difficulties is always hard.  So what?

“Every journey starts with fear.” Jake Gyllenhall

By the way, in my experience, helping hundreds of people, this last approach – transformation – is the best and fastest way to obtain reconciliation.  
Those toxic bullies know we’ve let go of our end of the fight and of the pain they caused us by dumping us.  We’ve moved on to have a life filled with joy.  We’ve estranged or dumped them.  It’s as if they read the “vibes” (yes, I’m that old), sense the shift and don’t want to be estranged by us.  They are stimulated to return and reconcile.

Of course, there are many complications depending on your situation.  The best way to learn how to take power in your life and to be the person you want to be is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and counseling so you can:

1. Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.
2. Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to create the life your spirit has always hungered for.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert counseling and coaching by phone or Skype.

Estranged from narcissistic, toxic, adult children #6: Saying, "Enough!"

In that temporary recovery phase – where we recover from the total destruction of our hopes and dreams because our adult children have turned out to be narcissistic, volatile, angry, vindictive, bullying, abusive, losers – there’s a point at which we simply give up trying to straighten out their personalities, we stop trying to explain and educate, we stop trying to bribe them with one more kindness or gift in hopes they’ll finally appreciate and love us.

We say, “Enough!  I’m done with that.”
I won’t let them torture my heart any more.

We still love them but now we admit we don’t like their personality.  And we’re so exhausted because of the beatings and being jerked around, that we simply give up trying to rehabilitate them.  Not our job anymore.  Let them learn the hard way.  Let the world teach them the price of being rotten jerks.

At that point we can heave a great sigh of relief that an incredible burden has been lifted from our shoulders.  We’re done with all that.  They’re adults and they’re on their own.

We’ve all had prior experience of letting go and moving on – no matter how painful at the moment.
Deep inside we all know how to do that.  For example: We ripped off a Band-Aid; we took out a splinter and cleaned the wound; we had a pre-cancerous growth removed from the back of our arms.  We grew up and stopped desperately wanting a toy or gadget or fashion item we thought we couldn’t live without; we stopped bearing the whole burden of reconciliation with friends who turned out to be false; we got divorced.  And we found freedom and healing.

Deep inside we know how to do that.  Now we stop making excuses about why this situation is different and we simply say, “Enough!  I’m done with that.”

I’m done with:

• Worrying and obsessing about the perfect or right or acceptable thing to say or do.
• Putting out all the effort to be nice.
• Making their feelings the center of my life and never getting my feelings taken care of.
• Begging and bribing them, to throw me a crumb.
• Being satisfied with one semi-nice thing when there’s been a hundred stabbings and clubbing.
• Worrying what other people might think.
• Giving up on him/her.

Then we find we’re back in charge of the second most important set of decision in life: What do we pay attention to?  What will we focus on?
Think of all the time and calories we wasted paying attention to them, long after it was necessary – thinking about them, worrying what to say and do, obsessing on every hidden meaning or interpretation, dreading the next manipulation or attack.  What a waste of time and energy.  Maybe good only if we want to make that our weight-loss program.  But, really, not a good idea.

Then we gain freedom to focus on life again – on remembering what we used to love to do, what we did that gave us real pleasure and joy, on reconnecting with the sources that fill our emotional and spiritual gas tanks.  We can step back and have lots of flexibility in how we deal with them, given that we’re not going to waste time obsessing on what’s the best or right or perfect thing to do that might bring them back.

That’s the start of the ascent out of the pit of hell and into the light of the rest of our wonderful lives.  If anyone asks how we can be sure they’ll never change, we can laugh and joyously say that’s a silly and irrelevant question.  Of course, there’s always hope, but the real question is what am I going to do right now to have a wonderful time?  The reason to stop thinking about them (or to start thinking about them less and less) is that we want to.  That’s more than enough reason.  Simple and clear.

And we’ll respond to what those bullies do when we get there.  We don’t have to worry about that distant future.  “The chain of destiny should be grasped one link at a time.” Winston Churchill

And, of course, there are moments when we get our hopes up once again, and the only answer is, “Don’t get sucked into obsessing on hopes, have a fabulous time and we’ll see how long-term any changes are.”

Win the argument by not wasting time and energy on it; by detaching from it; by using the time and energy to create a fabulous life.

Of course, there are many complications depending on your situation.  The best way to learn how to take power in your life and to be the person you want to be is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and counseling so you can:
1. Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.
2. Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to create the life your spirit has always hungered for.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert counseling and coaching by phone or Skype.

Estranged from narcissistic, toxic, adult children #5: Recovery

Recovery is the temporary phase where we:

1. Descend into more pain and suffering when we realize that our angry, vindictive, narcissistic, adult children hate us for no good reason and want us around only to enjoy looting everything we have, and bullying, abusing and torturing us.
2. Ascend from the pit of despair into the sunshine of a new life.

The recovery phase (like recovery from other addictions), however long and heart-breaking is temporary; it has an end when we dedicate ourselves to making one.

There are many processes that can help us through the recovery phase and helpers who can make it more swift and less painful.

There is one goal; breathing deep the warm air of a new life full of joy and passion despite the loss.
As Judy Collins said, “There are some things you never get over, but you can get through them.”

There are two groups of people responding differently to any great tragedy.  Take the holocaust for example.  All had lost everything – husbands, wives, children, parents, siblings, friends, precious things.  All were broken and faced emptiness and darkness.  One type responded by making the rest of their lives merely existence; life burnt up like a candle of perpetual mourning.  Easy to understand why.

But the other type responded by creating and living new lives, with new connections, with new joys.  Of course they never forgot the old dreams and old loves, but they chose to make new dreams and new loves.  Their candles burn bright with inspiration for us, whose tragedies pale by comparison but are nevertheless ours.  We must choose our lives wisely.

When we start the ascent, we turn away from the life other people trained us for.
We stop being addicted to the life we hoped to have, the life we thought would bring us fulfillment and joy, the life centered on other people who turned out to be not worthy of the pearls we bring, people who would not make joy and great lives with the gifts we bring.

Now, we are long after the time when we rightly centered our lives around the growing seeds of our infants, who would have died without us; long after we had to nurture the tender, growing shoots that were children; even long after they became hardy enough to grow on their own and bear the fruit they freely chose to bear.

Now, we have to turn our backs on that other-focused role and turn toward the future, with us and a joyous life at the center of the future.  Now, the desire for that future is stronger than the yearning for a past that’s gone with the wind.  Now, we yearn for a life full of connection with those who will appreciate and make the most out of the pearls we give them; with those who will bear beautiful fruit when we water them with our love.  These people are the true family of our hearts, minds and spirits.

Before we focus on the external matters of dealing with the wolves or those who want to use us as whipping posts, recovery means that we do the inner work; we make that turning to the future joy that will become the focus or our eyes and hearts; the focus our next 20-30-40-50 years..

We find the inner strength, courage and determination to ascend, no matter what.
We find within ourselves with that fire and steel that is actually at our core, that has always been at the core of all our ancestors who survived the worst that nature and other people could throw at them, the core we inherited, the core that has been their real legacy to us.  

Now, we become the heroes and heroines of our lives.  Who else is better qualified?
There are many processes we can use but only one goal: Life!  Our wonderful futures are calling our names.  Listen.  “Come out from the darkness.  Come into the light.  Come into the warmth of love and joy returned.”  Now, we can deal with the external arrangements we need to make about these ingrates and predators.

Of course, there are many complications depending on your situation.  The best way to learn how to take power in your life and to be the person you want to be is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and counseling so you can:

1. Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.
2. Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to create the life your spirit has always hungered for.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert counseling and coaching by phone or Skype.