Harry had a problem and a pattern. He was the enabler, peace-maker and rescuer in an abusive household with alcoholic, narcissistic, manipulative, bullying, rage-aholic parents and siblings. He finally accepted that he carried the same beliefs, fears, hopes, feelings and patterns into his relationships. He could see why he’d adopted that strategy in order to cope with the horrible environment he was in when he was a child. Now, he was a co-dependent adult child in his personal relationships.
At first, his girl friends were needy and desperate so he began giving advice and paying for everything. Then they switched from nice to narcissistic, demanding and bullying. He got hooked rescuing them for at least a year until he finally felt conned, got fed up, resisted, got into angry fights and finally left.
How could he avoid enabling, co-dependent relationships with women just like he’d grown up with?
The answer is simple but not easy. Now that he saw the pattern, he didn’t need further analysis. He simple started to test other people using himself as bait. He stopped meddling in people’s lives, stopped rescuing and stopped trying to buy love. He started talking about what he was excited about, what filled his spiritual gas tank. He focused on what brought him joy.
He was fishing. Who didn’t need rescued? Who was interested in similar things, who brought their excitement and joy? He kept those.
On the other hand, who was not interested? Who wallowed only psychodrama, melodrama and analysis? Who was angry and vindictive? Who did he have to walk on egg shells around? Who needed coddled, enabled and rescued? He let those fish go.
The underlying shift in Harry was that he no longer had to make other people’s lives work. He wasn’t responsible for pleasing other people or for curing all the pain in the world. He only had to make his own life wonderful. And create a family of his heart, mind and spirit. As he did that more and more, his guilt and self-judgment slipped away and he became free.
Of course, many women (maybe even more) have the same pattern of rescuing narcissistic, bullying, abusive men. Same ultimate solution.
Of course, there are many complications depending on your situation. The best way to learn how to take power in your life and to be the person you want to be is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and counseling so you can:
- Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.
- Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to create the life your spirit has always hungered for.
Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert counseling and coaching by phone or Skype.