When our narcissistic, volatile, angry, vindictive, bullying, abusive, toxic adult children have estranged themselves from us, the way ahead is painful but our choices are clear:

  1. Wallow forever (the next 20-30-40-50 years) in the excruciating pain and loss of our life’s center.
  2. A miracle through time, their life-experience and our prayers brings them back, either through talking it out or because we’ll never talk about it – but there’s a reconciliation and a gradual re-connection, especially with our grandchildren.
  3. We are transformed and healed; we never get over but we do get through pain and loss and grief, and emerge a different person, ready to find happiness and joy in the world as it is for us.

Transformation is the miracle that has been wrought in our own lives.
We let go of our old ways of being – old rules, roles, beliefs, fears, hopes and dreams.  We are transformed spiritually into new beings, we are reborn into a new way of being.  We become people who let go of the old center of life that caused tremendous pain and anguish, and we become newly born with a new center.

We stop taking the blame for past mistakes and failures; we stop trying to convince those toxic children we love them; we stop trying to patch the holes in their emotional buckets.  We say, “Grow up.  Aspire to be wonderful adults.  And I’m not going on that emotional roller coaster with you anymore.”

We withdraw our energy from toxic people who return our love and caring with their anger, vindictiveness and scorn.  We stop worrying and obsessing on them.  We leave them and wish them well.  We take our love and caring to people to return it with their own appreciation, respect and love.  This new way of being in the world goes against the old way – centered only on blood.

We give to children in cancer wards; we give to veterans in hospitals and rehab centers; we give to those who receive with grace and gratitude our love, compassion and mercy.  We give to ourselves the gifts of love and peace and joy, of participating in a world with people who want us.

Of course it’s hard; being reshaped in the fire of loss and pain is always hard; going on a new adventure with new difficulties is always hard.  So what?

“Every journey starts with fear.” Jake Gyllenhall

By the way, in my experience, helping hundreds of people, this last approach – transformation – is the best and fastest way to obtain reconciliation.  
Those toxic bullies know we’ve let go of our end of the fight and of the pain they caused us by dumping us.  We’ve moved on to have a life filled with joy.  We’ve estranged or dumped them.  It’s as if they read the “vibes” (yes, I’m that old), sense the shift and don’t want to be estranged by us.  They are stimulated to return and reconcile.

Of course, there are many complications depending on your situation.  The best way to learn how to take power in your life and to be the person you want to be is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and counseling so you can:

  1. Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.
  2. Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to create the life your spirit has always hungered for.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert counseling and coaching by phone or Skype.

AuthorBen Leichtling