Self-Bullying with old rules/roles

Agnes felt miserable.  She tried to do what was right but she often saw herself stepping forward, accepting praise for jobs well-done and even feeling glad when people gave her credit.  And she resented other people when they took credit for her ideas and efforts.

Agnes was tormented because she didn’t follow the old rules and roles her parents had drummed into her.  She kept apologizing and putting herself down because she wasn’t perfect.  She’d been taught, “Don’t take credit, don’t be proud, don’t be pleased when you get credit, don’t criticize or judge other people, do good and eventually others will appreciate you, a good girl holds back quietly, pride goeth before the fall.”

We know the extremes those rules and roles are warning us about; being arrogant, proud, obnoxious, greedy, pushy or demanding, and seeking praise and power.  But those warnings are about the extremes.

Agnes wasn’t anywhere near that extreme.  But she bullied herself constantly for fear of taking even the slightest step in that direction.  She beat herself at the other end of the spectrum.

She criticized and bullied herself with false humility and modesty.  She constantly apologized for herself.  She lied when she told people she was incompetent and not bright.  And she was secretly livid when other people in her extended family and at work didn’t value her, took credit for her ideas and efforts and ignored her.  Her voice didn’t count.

Agnes was at war with herself – between what she’d learned from experience and believed now, and what she’d been taught long ago.

Midlife was the age and stage appropriate time for her to take stock and change her old rules and the roles they forced on her.

Agnes decided to guide her life by new ideas that she accepted now, as an adult, with all the wisdom and experience she’d gained.

1. She’d accept the truths she could discern about people and situations.  She wouldn’t pretend or lie that some people were all good or nice.  She wouldn’t pretend she didn’t know anything or couldn’t judge wisely.
2. She’d examine every rule and role she had in order to ask where and when it might be useful and, especially, not useful or effective.  Children accept rules as black-or-white, all-or-none.  But adults have more experience and wisdom.  We can see the gray areas in life.  We can accept that there is often no one-right-way of doing many things.
3. She wouldn’t hold back and pretend she hadn’t thought of or done something she had.  Holding back only created a vacuum around ideas, credit and power which became a great temptation for other people.  That vacuum tempted some people to take credit that wasn’t theirs.  That vacuum also attracted the most nasty, controlling and vicious people to try to take credit and power.
4. She’d speak up, as a wise older woman, to become the guardian of the best standards for the whole of her family and the benefit of her whole company.

This decision and her changing strength and roles caused some problems for her extended family and at work.  But most people adjusted to the new Agnes.  While a few resented her, more wanted to be her friend and ally because she was now straightforward and honest.

Of course, there are many complications depending on your situation.  The best way to learn how to get over old, self-bullying rules and roles, and to be the person you want to be now is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and counseling so you can:

1. Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.
2. Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to create the life your spirit has always hungered for.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert counseling and coaching by phone or Skype.

Controlling husbands use "blackmail words"

One of the favorite tactics of controlling husbands is to use “blackmailing words” to get their targets to do what they want.

Actually, controllers use this type of manipulation in all areas of life: controlling wives, toxic parents and toxic adult children, controlling best friends from elementary school to adulthood, controlling co-workers, bosses and even supervisees.  And great sales people.

Jane had tried to be a good and considerate wife.  She’d worked hard to support and please her husband.  She’d centered her life on his.  But all her efforts had never been enough or just right.

Whenever her husband had disagreed with her or she hadn’t immediately done what he wanted, he’d harass, bully and abuse her with emotionally blackmailing words.  He’d call her, “uncaring, unloving, critical, unsupportive, judgmental, selfish, controlling, manipulative.”  She’d never wanted to be any of those types of people.  How could she resist such charges?

She’d felt ashamed and guilty.  Sometimes she’d just given in and done what he wanted.  Sometimes she’d argued but he’d always find examples of her bad behavior.  And he liked arguing.  She’d always been on the defensive and he’d always won.  She’d became hopeless and helpless.

Jane finally saw how she’d been manipulated by her husband’s bullying.  She saw he’d condemned her no matter what she did.

She merely wanted her voice heard, her vote counted.  She was not a bad person for having her own opinions, for disagreeing with him.  Once she decided she had to follow her own star or her spirit would be manipulated to death, she could plan and act to change her life.  She stopped arguing and created a no-bullying zone – her new life.

Of course, there are many complications depending on your situation; especially whether you have children and money.  The best way to learn how to stop being used, manipulated and bullied is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and counseling so you can:

1. Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.
2. Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to create the life your spirit has always hungered for.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert counseling and coaching by phone or Skype.

Toxic, adult children can hold parents hostage

Jean said, “I’ve lived my life for my children and I always will.”

That sounds like a sweet sentiment and many people in middle age still think it.  But Jean was paying a very heavy price for living it.

First there was the guilt.
After enduring years of emotional and physical criticism, hostility, rage, bullying and abuse, Jean had divorced her husband.  Her son hated her for that and always let her know she’d ruined his life.

Of course, she really hadn’t ruined his life.  She’d offered him an example of what bullies eventually get and she’d shown him a lifetime of decent, loving, caring treatment.  She’d sacrificed and worked very hard to pay for his college and also supported him as he got started in life, married, had a son and gotten divorced himself.

Jean had accepted his criticism and blame.  She must be guilty for ruining his life since she hadn’t done what he wanted and he was still angry about it.

Then came the blackmail.
Her son wouldn’t let Jean see her grandson unless she:

1. Gave him everything he wanted at any particular moment (money, sympathy, errands).
2. Endured his negativity, tirades and abuse whenever he felt like dishing them out.
3. Begged for his forgiveness the rest of his life.

He was clear; she’d never be able to do enough; she’d pay in any way he wanted for as long as he wanted.  She could see he was like an empty bucket with holes all through it.  No matter how much love, guilt, money she poured into it, she’d never be able to fill it.  And it was all her fault.

He was toxic, just like his father.

Jean couldn’t see how to set any boundaries without losing the connection to her grandson.  She was hostage once more to an angry, bullying person.

What’s missing for Jean is a wonderful, exciting life.
As long as Jean centers her life on making amends to her son and bribing him to let her see her grandson, she’s trapped.  As long as her only joy is her grandson, she’s held hostage.

Only after Jean expanded her vision and awaken once again to all the wonderful experiences she could have in her life, only after Jean removed from the center of her solar system the idea that her life depended on pleasing her son, only after she put her future joy in the center of her solar system could she set the necessary boundaries with her son.

Then she could give herself the gift of a wonderful life with the true family of her heart, mind and Spirit.  And get the opportunity to see her grandson.

Of course, there are many complications depending on your situation; especially how hateful and toxic your children are.  The best way to learn how to stop being used, manipulated and bullied is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and counseling so you can:

1. Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.
2. Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to create the life your spirit has always hungered for.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert coaching by phone or Skype.

Kindle Book - "Parenting Bully-Proof Kids: How to Stop School Bullies," 2nd edition

“Parenting Bully-Proof Kids: How to Stop School Bullies,” 2nd edition, is finally published as a Kindle Edition.  It’s a companion book to “How to Stop Bullies in Their Tracks” – 2nd edition

You can find it at: http://www.amazon.com/dp/B00VDF8JA4

These books and some counseling and coaching will show you how to guide your children and teenagers to live a bully-free life. Six case studies will teach you how to help them deal with:

• Taunting, teasing and fighting.
• A venomous Queen Bee.
• A manipulative control-freak who pretends to be a friend.
• Emotional blackmail.
• School administrators (do-nothing principals)
• The most important decision for teenagers.
• Self-bullying.

Your children and teens need your guidance in order to learn how to succeed in the real world. Of course, we want all schools to prevent bullying. But that’s not going to happen soon enough for us. Your children and teens will face:

• Physical violence, verbal abuse and emotional intimidation.
• Anger, hate, harassment and hazing.
• Name-calling, putdowns, two-faced friends, condescending and scornful cliques, and ostracism.
• Peer pressure and destructive media influences.
• Cyber-bullies.

Before your children can learn anti-bullying skills and be effective in stopping bullies, they need to develop the internal courage, strength, determination and endurance to succeed. You can learn how to:

• Recognize the signs that your children are being bullied physically, mentally and emotionally, face-to-face or online. Get your children to tell you the truth even when they don’t want to. And when your children desperately need your help even though they may not want it.
• Use peaceful methods (understanding, tolerating, logic, reasoning, forgiveness) as wonderful first steps. Sometimes they stop mild bullying. But your children and teens will need firmer, stronger methods to stop relentless, determined bullies. Recognize when you should intervene or when you should guide your children to stop bullies by themselves.
• Get evidence that will strengthen your case, even if school administrators don’t want to help. Don’t let do-nothing principals turn your children into victims.
• Help your children develop the strength, courage, will and determination they need to face a world that’s vastly different from the one you grew up in. Become a parent who can help your children be strong and self-disciplined enough so bullies won’t attack them.
• Help your children resist feelings of isolation and helplessness, overcome depression and suicidal thoughts, and increase their confidence and self-esteem. Help them develop a plan and master the skills they need to defend themselves.

School administrators are often reluctant to get involved in protecting targets of bullying. Some even protect the bullies. Lazy, cowardly or incompetent school officials are part of the problem that converts targeted kids into victims and suicides. Don’t let politeness, naivety or ignorance keep you from protecting your children. Rarely is bullying an isolated incident. Usually, bullying is a pervasive pattern because bullies know they have the real power and immunity at school.

Good parenting also requires you to teach your children how to succeed in the adult world at work and in their adult relationships with husbands, wives, partners, brothers, sisters, relatives, friends and neighbors.

The best way to learn how to parent bully-proof kids is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and counseling so you and your children can:

1. Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.
2. Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to create the bully-free life your spirit has always hungered for.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert coaching by phone or Skype.

Relationships with narcissists and control-freaks

We can be in many different relationships with narcissists and control-freaks – dates, friends, spouses, parents, adult children, young children, bosses, co-workers, teachers, school bullies.  But they’re all the same and they’re all toxic.

The basis of all these relationships is that we must do what they want or we’ll be beaten or manipulated until we serve their wishes and whims.  It’s that simple.

In some of these relationships, we can easily remove or leave the bully to avoid more criticism, negativity and abuse.

However, sometimes, we choose to continue these relationships but it must be:

1. Only one or a few.  If there are more, we’ll get drained, our resistance will diminish and as soon as our soular batteries run low they’ll eat our energy and our flesh.  We’ll get sick physically, emotionally and spiritually.
2. Under our terms, not theirs.  Even the most cheerful of spirits will dry up and shrivel under their constant attacks.

Many people waste time trying to psychoanalyze the narcissistic control-freaks they face.  
But only a few moments thought will tell you the top five reasons narcissistic control-freaks have for starting and continuing their behavior patterns.  And, if you think in terms of cause-effect histories, only a few moments inquiry will be necessary to satisfy your mind about the situations in which they magnified their natural instinct for self-focus and decided they needed to control everything.

But so what?  The purpose of analysis is to help find a solution.  However, you’ve already discovered that you can never give them enough self-confidence and self-esteem so they’ll accept not getting what they want, compromise more and they’ll let other people have their own ways of doing things.

Trying to be loving and perfect enough hasn’t worked and never will.  You can’t rescue, therapeutize or heal them.  Stop meddling.  That’s not your responsibility.

Your responsibility is to create a wonderful, joyous, bully-free life; to create an isle of song in a sea of shouts (Rabindranath Tagore).

I haven’t seen narcissistic control-freaks change their personalities and behavior, but I have seen them change their targets.  The only way I’ve seen them change their behavior toward you is when:

1. You get rid of them so you’re no longer a target.
2. The consequences of abusing you are so great that they turn their attention to controlling other people.  In order to do that, they must want the relationship you want more than they insist on relating only the way they want.

In fact, their willingness to change behavior is a test of how much they want a wonderful, loving relationship the way you want.  If they only want it their way, get them gone.

Of course, there are many complications depending on your situation, especially having children.  The best way to learn how to stop being used, manipulated and bullied is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and counseling so you can:

1. Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.
2. Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to create the life your spirit has always hungered for.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert coaching by phone or Skype.

Bullying husband? Saving the marriage is up to him

Jill wanted to save her marriage.

Her husband, Charlie, was narcissistic and relentlessly negative and critical of her.  He bullied and abused her.  He always knew what was right and when she didn’t obey him, he blew up.  He hadn’t hit her yet but she was afraid his angry tirades would escalate into physical violence.  The situation sounded just like what he’d told her had happened in his first marriage.

She thought that since the only thing she could change was herself, she’d change to fit what Charlie wanted.  She was sure when Charlie got what he wanted he’d finally like her as he had when they’d first met.

But no matter how much she changed, it was never enough.  Charlie was never pleased.  So she decided to change even more in order to save the marriage.  However, there were points beyond which she could never go.  Her spirit rebelled more and more, and she even started to dislike Charlie.

When she called me, her question was still, “How can I save the marriage?”

After a while she saw that the more she accepted the total responsibility for changing to please Charlie, the more she disliked him.  The conflict between the two sides of her was depressing her.

Jill’s breakthrough came when she saw that:

1. She didn’t want to save the marriage as it was.  She wanted to save a better marriage that was exciting and fulfilling to her.  It was a marriage with people treating each other the way Charlie had when they first met.
2. Charlie also had to want to save the marriage that she dreamed about.  But it seemed that he only wanted to save the marriage in which she was his perfect servant.

All she could really do was to act in the way her spirit would be thrilled, hold out a vision of the wonderful marriage she wanted and give Charlie an opportunity to change to fit that vision.

She could do her part but it was up to Charlie to do his part to save the wonderful marriage she hoped for.  She couldn’t save that marriage all by herself.  Charlie had to want to save it just as much as she did.

Of course, there are many complications depending on your situation.  The best way to learn how to stop being used, manipulated and bullied is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and counseling so you can:

1. Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.
2. Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to create the life your spirit has always hungered for.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert coaching by phone or Skype.

Stop Toxic boundary-pushers

Toxic boundary-pushers come in all shapes and sizes - husbands, wives, parents, adult children, friends, dates, co-workers.

Some are open in trying to beat you into submission.  Others are sneaky and manipulative.  Typical tactics include:

• They’re narcissistic; only their wants and reasons (excuses, justifications) matter.  You count only to give them what they want at the moment.  They change their demands and reasons anytime they feel like it.
• They want you to argue with their reasons because they’ll never concede a point or agree with you.  You’ll never get their understanding or permission to do anything different from what they want.  You’ll be trapped arguing until you give in.
• They’ll use emotional blackmailing words like “You’re uncaring, selfish, demanding, disagreeable, not nice, too proud or stubborn.”
• They always know best; they’re right and righteous.  They’re bullies who mastered their techniques and methods.
• Sometimes they’ll be sweet but your experience tells you that they want you to relax before they push the next boundary or make the next demand.
• When you try to make peace through negotiation, you’re the only one who gives anything.  Then they start pushing the boundaries you agreed upon in order to start a new round of negativity and harassment until you concede some more.
• You know you’re facing one when you feel pushed, controlled and abused.  Your vote never counts when it goes against theirs.

Appeasement and bribery never succeed because they always want more.  You know that from your own experience.

You can’t stop them by being nice and reasonable.  They have totally different meaning for those words.  To them “nice” and “reasonable” mean you do what they want.

They only way I’ve ever seen to have a chance is to be firm about what you will and won’t do.

• You can learn to be calm and smiling and firm at the same time.
• Never try to justify yourself.  They will win if you debate or argue.  Just keep repeating your original declaration until you feel like walking away.
• Then walk (or hang up or send them away).  Threats without consequences are bribery.  Simply apply the consequences with a smile.

Enjoy taking back control of yourself.

Remember, you’ll be condemned whatever you do or don’t do so do what you want with joy.  They don’t get to vote

Don’t believe them they try to convince you that you’re helpless and resistance is futile.

Of course, there are many complications depending on your situation.  The best way to learn how to stop being used, manipulated and bullied is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and counseling so you can:

1. Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.
2. Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to create the life your spirit has always hungered for.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert coaching by phone or Skype.

Stop enabling narcissistic adult children

Narcissistic adult children demand you do what they want, try to control you, push every boundary, throw temper tantrums, blackmail you by withholding their love or your grandchildren, try to bribe you with sweetness and affection when they want something, and blame their behavior on you.

Every time you give them what they want, they demand something else.  They say your job is to make them happy.  They try to stimulate your guilt and shame for every sin they say you committed when they were kids.

What a nasty and unending list.  If you were an average parent or better (you didn’t need to be perfect according to them), don’t accept blame and guilt.  You don’t deserve to be used and abused.  You don’t owe them anything anymore.  Probably, your only big mistake was giving in to them too much, hoping they’d wake up one day straightened out and loving like they were when they were infants.  Don’t hold your breath waiting for that miracle.

Selfish, narcissistic, manipulative bullies misinterpret your kindness and compassion as weakness and an invitation to demand more.  They think they’re entitled to whatever they want.  They always have reasons, excuses and justifications for being obnoxious.  They claim their problems and rotten lives are all your fault.  Their justifications will last forever.

I’ve never seen parents be able to purchase respect and civility from these narcissistic adult children.  There’s no hope down that path.  Stop meddling and enabling them.  These adult children will remain predators as long as you feed them.

The only path with hope is to stop giving them anything, to demand civil behavior or to cut off contact.  Don’t debate or argue about who’s right.  Tell them you know they’re strong enough to make wonderful lives for themselves.  Be full of joy when you protect yourself and your futurebecause, really, you are taking your life back.  Now you can enjoy the rest of your life.  You can surround yourself with people who respect and admire you, with people who are fun to be with.

Of course it’s hard and there are usually many complications.  But if you continue to feed to them while they rip your heart out, you’ll be bled dry.  Your life will shrivel up like a prune.

If your children are still kids, you have a chance to stop the patterns now.  With a big smile, teach them that they won’t always get what they want, that they can’t always beat you into submission or bribe you into giving in.  And that there are consequences for throwing temper tantrums.  And they’re not destroyed when they don’t always get everything they want.  And nothing is for free.

The best way to learn how to stop being used, manipulated and bullied is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and counseling so you can:

1. Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.
2. Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to create the life your spirit has always hungered for.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert coaching by phone or Skype.

Narcissistic, controlling parents

Julie grew up feeling like she was living someone else’s life.  She never got to determine how she felt and what she wanted to do.  She always aware that she should please her parents.

She had to do what her parents wanted in order to make them happy.  They yelled or hit her when she wouldn’t.  Or sometimes, they got mean or manipulative, using her shame and guilt to coerce her.  Even when they gave presents, she knew she had to go overboard in appreciating them, and later there would be strings.  They never gave anything without taking something in return or requiring some service of her.

Her parents were demanding and toxic.

When she grew up, she had managed to break away and make her own family, but she was constantly being drawn back into tasks to make her parents happy or to help them when they wanted.  They always had good reasons why she should do what she wanted the way they wanted her to.

When they got older, their requests got more numerous and demanding.  Julie finally realized that they didn’t have physical problems, they only wanted a servant.  And they never reciprocated.  Her feelings and needs simply didn’t matter to them.

When she learned to think of them as narcissistic control-freaks, her world changed.

She could see all the sneaky bullying and manipulation; all the criticism and negativity when she wouldn’t satisfy them immediately.  Actually, they were never satisfied.  As soon as she did something for them, they’d be back with criticism about how little she did or how poorly, and with new requests for more service.

According to them, Julie’s most important task in life was to make them happy.  That was more important than her marriage or her own children.

Notice, there’s no psychoanalysis of her parents.  Reasons and excuses don’t matter.  When Julie focused on their behavior, the whole picture became clear.  And she was able to take control of her own life and started honoring her own boundaries and needs.

I find the same patterns of selfish manipulation in all types of relationships: with spouses, dates, adult children and friends.  And, of course, in the workplace.

The best way to learn how to stop being used, manipulated and bullied is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and counseling so you can:

1. Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.
2. Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to create the life your spirit has always hungered for.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert coaching by phone or Skype.

Negative self-talk, judgment; self-bullying

John saw only his worst sides.  Sometimes he did things to get praised, sometimes because he wanted something back, sometimes for the money; sometimes he yelled at the kids, sometimes he said an unkind thing to his wife; sometimes he made up excuses to avoid odious tasks, sometimes he cut corners on tasks he didn’t really want to do.

Usually he focused on only that side of himself.  Of course, seeing only those examples he judged himself harshly.  His negative self-talk, a little voice behind his right ear, told him he was greedy, worthless, mean, arrogant and obnoxious.  Then he’d give up on himself and any projects he’d planned to do.  But, he thought, at least he was beating himself down before anyone else could.

John’s self-bullying could depress him; he lost confidence, self-esteem and courage.

He suffered bouts of insecurity and anxiety.  He thought he was a fake when people liked him or praised him or promoted him at work.  In the depths of his despair he thought that there was something deep and inherently wrong with him.

This type of self-bullying might have been a good motivation strategy to get John working hard when he was growing up.  His parents had practiced it relentlessly and John had continued it long after he left home and built his own life.  Part of the justification for seeing all his failures was so he wouldn’t get a swelled head and become an arrogant, conceited jerk.  But self-flagellation had begun to extract too great a toll on his life.

When John was able to put the few examples of his “failures” as a human being into the context of all the wonderful things he did, his life took a turn for the better.  His imperfections were really minor.  He was then able to motivate himself by seeing his successes, some coming after hard work and many struggles.  He realized he was capable of learning, improving, making good choices and, especially, of succeeding.

By seeing the whole picture, he could also see that life wasn’t black-and-white.  He didn’t have to be perfect to get into heaven.  He didn’t have to be perfect to be liked, loved and appreciated.

Then he could finally take a deep breath, relax and love other people when the majority of what they did was worth loving.  He began to enjoy the wonderful life he’d created.

The best way to learn how to stop bullying yourself and start being the person you want is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and counseling so you can:

1. Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.
2. Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to create the life your spirit has always hungered for.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert coaching by phone or Skype.

Bullying husband? Take action

Cyndi's husband was a negative, controlling, abusive bully.  He yelled, threatened, never let her spend money and knew that he was right.  He had the power and should be in charge.

Cyndi studied the literature on narcissists, control-freaks and bullies.  She researched her husband’s family history.  When she pointed out his family patterns or tried to argue with him, he got worse.  When she tried to show him he fit the Seven Early Warning signs of bullies, he yelled that she was the bully.  

She hated conflict and confrontation.  She didn’t know what to do.  Nothing she read helped.  Maybe, she thought, someday she’d read something that held the magic key.  She’d say the right thing and her husband’s eyes would open; he’d see what a bully he was and he’d change.

That was Cyndi’s problem.  As long as she read and thought; as long as she learned more and more about why bullies were bullies, she’d remain stuck.
As long as she refused to take action, even though action was the only hope of her having a bully-free personal space, she’d remain a victim to her fears and her need to know everything.

The key that unlocked Cyndi’s power was changing the question.  Instead of, “Why is he a bully?” Cyndi started asking herself, “How do I want to be treated?  What is non-negotiable and what is non-negotiable?”  Instead of arguing about labels (Was he a bully or a control-freak or a narcissist?) Cyndi simply focused of what behavior she wanted in her life and what she wouldn’t live with.

Instead of looking for an easy, comfortable, instantaneous, magical method, Cyndi remember all the things she’d learned simply by doing them over and over, and getting better bit by bit.  Instead of letting her weakness and feelings stop her, Cyndi got determined to do the hard things that made her heart sing, despite the fear.

Action, step-by-step, led Cyndi to freedom and power over her own life.
Cyndi’s actions, intended to create a better living environment for both of them, impressed her husband with the need for him to change if he wanted to stay married to her.

Of course, the same action approach is necessary to stop bullying wives, dates, entitled teenagers, toxic parents, toxic adult children and friends.  Actions speak louder than words.  They’ll only listen to actions.

The best way to learn how to take power in your life and to stop bullying is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and counseling so you can:

1. Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.
2. Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to create the life your spirit has always hungered for.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert coaching by phone or Skype.

Toxic parents won't love you

Joe had always been a good boy.  He did what his parents wanted and he’d always hoped they would love him, accept him, compliment him and approve of him.  But they never had.

Their criticism was negative, nasty, personal, vicious and unending.  They were bullying and abusive.  No matter what he did, it was never right, never good enough.  They seemed to change the standards of the game every minute so he always lost.

Even after he had a good career, made good money, had married and had three wonderful children, the bar always seemed to be raised on what he had to do to have any hope of a kind word.

In his forties, Joe finally realized the dilemma he was in.  He’d never gotten their approval and they had polluted his life with their toxicity.  They simply wanted a slave to serve them.  He’d never be happy if he kept trying to win their approval.  He simply had to give up trying to win their love and affection.

When Joe saw them as toxic, his guilt vanished; it wasn’t his fault.

Things didn’t change until Joe and his family moved away and he stopped contacting his parents.  He started enjoying his family and his life.  They were too busy to visit his parents on holidays or during the summer.  When his parents tried to make him feel ashamed and guilty, he told them he wouldn’t listed and he hung up.

He maintained his distance for a long time, even though his parents tried many tactics to beat him into submission and then to use their need and his guilt to get him to serve them.

Notice: there’s no analysis about why his parents acted the way they did.  That doesn’t matter.  When Joe focused only on their behavior, their reasons, excuses and justifications didn’t matter anymore.  If they wanted to see or talk with him, they’d have to change their behavior.

Of course, the same goes for toxic, adult children, even though there are additional difficulties.

The best way to learn how to take power in your life and to stop bullying by toxic parents is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and counseling so you can:

1. Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.
2. Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to create the life your spirit has always hungered for.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert coaching by phone or Skype.

Bullied and enmeshed, loving the wrong person

Jane had loved the wrong person – a narcissistic, bullying, abusive control-freak.  But she felt helpless.  She had loved him with all her heart.  She had seen every nice, kind thing he said; she had seen every apology, every promise he made.  She wouldn’t hear a word of criticism about him.

That was the problem that kept Jane enmeshed with her bully.  She had enabled him because she saw only one side of the picture – the good side he wanted her to focus on.  She said she would feel like a bad person – unforgiving, uncaring, judgmental – if she saw the other side.  She had thought that forgiveness meant seeing only the good side of him.

She had spent a long time miserable and suffering before she came and allowed herself to see the whole picture.

Even though Jane was not a good visualizer, when her unconscious made a canvas with thousands of scenes – the good, the bad and the ugly – she could see the preponderance of the evidence.  For every promise he made there were twenty horrible things he did to break the promise; for every “I love you” there were a hundred hateful acts, for every compliment there were a thousand insults, criticisms and negative, put-downs in private and in public.

When Jane allowed herself to see the whole picture, she became discerning.  She could make an informed decision about whether she wanted to stay and continue to be abused and tormented or to leave.  She didn’t have to judge him as bad or evil or to wish something horrible would happen to him.

She didn’t have to be judgmental; all she had to do was be discerning, see the whole picture and decide whether to put her body and heart in harm’s way.
She was surprised when she felt sorry for him but no longer loved him.  She was even more surprised when she became disgusted by him; she saw him as weak and pathetic.

The best way to learn how to take power in your life and to stop bullying is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and counseling so you can:

1. Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.
2. Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to create the life your spirit has always hungered for.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert coaching by phone or Skype.

Deserve your husband's bullying?

June grew up trained to say, “It’s my fault.  What did I do wrong?’ when she was bullied and abused by her parents.  She married a man who reinforced that pattern.

When he was sarcastic, critical, negative and demeaning, she was supposed to try harder to do what would please him.  When he yelled or hit her, she was supposed to know it was her fault.

He always had good reasons why he should torment and control her.  She assumed if she did the right things, she wouldn’t bear the blame for how he behaved.  But since he would condemn her no matter what she did, she always felt the guilt and shame of never being good enough.

When she finally realized that he’d condemn her no matter what she did, something in her shifted.  She was instantly free of the burden of guilt.  She felt lighter as a wave of warmth, peace and light washed away decades of training.  She never deserved that treatment from her parents or her husband, or even her friends or coworkers.  Her mistakes didn’t deserve those attacks.  Her heart opened and she sobbed and sobbed.  When she was done, she felt cleansed and free as she never had before.

It wasn’t about “deserve” any more.
It was about what she would and wouldn’t tolerate around her any more.  She now had the confidence to trust her own judgment.  She’d test other people and she’d decide how close or far to hold them, based on their behavior, not their reasons, excuses or justifications.  In fact, anyone who blamed their out-of-control, temper tantrums and hissy-fits on her would be immediately removed from her personal space.

Of course, although the realization was instantaneous – clear, straightforward and simple – putting it into effect wasn’t easy.  That took time, effort and some backsliding.  The bullies in her life kept manipulating and blaming on her.  Her self-doubt, self-questioning and low self-esteem reared up from time to time.  But, with help, she was able to clear her space of all the bullies and predators.

The best way to learn how to take power in your life and to stop bullying is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and counseling so you can:

1. Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.
2. Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to create the life your spirit has always hungered for.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert coaching by phone or Skype.

At work, remove people who fight to the death about everything

Some people like to fight to the death about everything.  Sometimes that’s a useful quality, but in general, at work you must remove those people.  But since they’ll enjoy a lengthy and nasty legal fight, what’s the best way of doing it?

You know people who are relentless bullies.  If they’re overt, they’ll criticize, harass, yell, threaten and abuse their targets in public.  If they’re sneaky, covert bullies, they’ll bad-mouth, back-stab, misinterpret everything, spread rumors and get other people fighting.  They’re enraged and seeking support against the latest perceived injustice.  They enjoy turmoil, chaos and drama.

You also know people who resist everyone else, especially authority.  They’re negative, critical and demeaning.  They always know why other people are wrong and delight in pointing out mistakes and faults.  They want to be in absolute control of their own turf.  They love a fight to the death with no-holds barred.

All these people feel wronged, righteous and outraged.  Someone will pay.

Don’t consider excusing their behavior with platitudes that they grew up in horrible families and had to fight to get free, or that they grew up in New York City where everyone fights about everything.  Focus on their individual choices and simply on the behavior that you must have in order to maintain a highly productive workplace.

You must terminate them.  But you know they’ll create hostility, dissention, fighting cliques and chaos all around them.  Work will grind to a halt while their fight becomes the center of attention and emotions.  Then they’ll file a hostile-workplace suit.

Your task is to eliminate the high cost of low attitudes.  So how to proceed?

• If the case against them is clear-cut, you have good documentation and they’re universally disliked you can walk them out as soon as possible and let the lawyers deal with them.
• But if there are some problems on both sides and they’re merely very difficult people with a few friends and a few of their charges are accurate or debatable, I don’t recommend a protracted legal fight.  These fights drag in everyone to testify.  They focus everyone on the fight, not on work.  Productivity will dry up and there will be huge emotional debris.  The aftermath usually takes 9-12 months to sort out and the bad blood will lead to significant turn over.  Avoid the carnage.  Buy out the trouble if you can and let the lawyers write a clause preventing further problems.  You’ll save much more money by bargaining to a generous severance package.  Don’t worry about setting a precedent.  You’ll have time and productivity while you improve management.

Sometimes you get lucky.  These hostile, angry people sometimes lose control, explode and publically quit.  Immediately accept their resignation in writing.  Don’t think 10 seconds about it.

You know you’ve done the right thing when everyone in the office heaves a huge sigh of relief.  They can get back to work without the on-going tension, hostility and bad blood.

The best way to learn how to create a highly productive and bully-free workplace is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and counseling so you can:

1. Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.
2. Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to create the productive workplace culture you want.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert coaching and consulting by phone or Skype.

Reasons don't stop bullies

It took years for Jane to accept that her reasons did not stop her bullying husband.  In fact, they only helped him bully her.

He was relentless in questioning her reasons when she wanted to do anything he didn’t want her to do.  If fact, she saw that he harassed, criticized and belittled her so he could control everything she did.  He never stopped being sarcastic or arguing.  He pointed out every mistake, every flaw in logic and even that she was silly in wanting what she wanted.  She could never convince him she should be allowed to do what she wanted.  She began to feel stupid and helpless, which was exactly what he wanted.

Eventually, she decided to face his bullying and abuse with an unassailable reason, “Because I want to,” or “Because I don’t.”  When he attacked with “Why,” she simply repeated “Because I want to.”  And she smiled with joy.

His feelings about her reasons didn’t matter anymore.  She was no longer asking him for acceptance and permission.

That frustrated him terribly because she’d escaped his control.  Eventually, when she saw that he wouldn’t accept her desires and wouldn’t stop attacking her, she divorced him.  And she felt free and strong for the first time in years.

When you’re faced with a relentless bully who is always right, who is a clever debater, who always knows best, who will change the subject if you make a good point, who will argue until you give in and start walking on eggshells around him, stop giving the bully your reasons.

These bullies take your reasons as excuses to be battered down so they can control you.

Of course the same is true for bullying, controlling wives, parents, children and supposed friends.

The best way to learn how to take power in your life and to stop bullying is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and counseling so you can:

1. Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.
2. Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to create the life your spirit has always hungered for.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert coaching by phone or Skype.

"The Bully Business" is wrong

“The Bully Business,” in The Atlantic, by Cevin Solving is absolutely wrong.

Solving uses inappropriate analogies, like stopping head injury to boxers is the same as stopping bullies in schools.  And his underlying assumption about how to stop bullying in schools, shared by many people, is that we should find out why kids bully, give bullies what they want and then they’ll stop bullying.  His culprit is that schools control bullies too much; bullies don’t have enough freedom so they turn to abusing their peers.  He focuses on the wrong people; the bullies instead of focusing on the targets of harassment and violence.

The beginning of the solution is to protect targets and stop bullies.
Solving doesn’t consider this first step.  He assumes bullies are nice people and if they weren’t thwarted they wouldn’t turn to bullying to get what they want.  Evidently he doesn’t like the analogy with the kids in “Lord of the Flies” and all the rest of human history which shows that not all people are born nice, kindly and virtuous, and that civility must be taught and reinforced.

Principals, counselors, teachers and staff have a primary responsibility of protecting targets by stopping bullies and removing them.  Then education and socialization can begin.

Bullies must learn that their tactics don’t get them what they want.
My experience has been that an essential step in bullies’ education is when they learn that they get into more trouble if they continue bullying.  Then many become interested in learning other ways of acting.

The ones who resist this learning, the ones who continue bullying and who get more violent are not the kids to whom we want to give more freedom and latitude.  They are the ones who need to be removed faster.

First, protect the targets, the try to rehabilitate the perpetrators.

The best way to learn how to parent bully-proof kids and to develop a program to stop school bullying is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and counseling so you can:
1. Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.
2. Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to create the life your spirit has always hungered for.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert coaching by phone or Skype.

Parenting polite, loving bully-proof kids

All tactics are situational.

In the outside world, we want our kids to be polite and nice, and, at the same time, strong, courageous and determined enough to stop bullies.  There’s no conflict between those values although the kids will need different tactics when befriending other decent kids than they’ll need to stop bullying predators.

At home, the problem I often see is kids who are not polite and kind; they bully their parents and siblings.
These parents lecture their children about having respectful, loving behavior but allow them to throw temper tantrums even when the kids are grown up.  They allow their children to be negative, abusive, critical and sarcastic.  They allow their teenagers to curse them, threaten them, blame all their problems on them and to contribute no effort toward doing the household chores.

It’s as if these parents believe their task is to make things perfect for their children.  And unless they do, the children are entitled to treat them horribly and are allowed to fail in life because their parents weren’t what they wanted.  It’s as if they hope that if they love their children enough and give them everything and allow rotten behavior, one day the children will wake up and civilized and loving people.

I’ve never seen that tactic work.  I’ve always seen the opposite effect.
Children need to be trained to be social and civilized.  Many resist that training.  These children find it easier to be arrogant, selfish, demanding, narcissistic and hateful.  Civilized, respectful behavior takes much more effort.

If children are allowed to grow up expecting to be the center of the universe, expecting to be catered to and expecting to get everything they want to make them happy they’ll stay the same when they’re teenagers and adults.  They become narcissistic control-freaks.  They’ll threaten failure, suicide or beating you into submission.  Think Veruka Salt from “Willie Wonka.”

The rule should be to treat your parents and siblings better than you’d treat strangers who have something you want.

The only tactic that I’ve seen effective is to set behavioral boundaries and maintain them with consequences no matter how much the kid’s throw tantrums.
You can’t beg or bribe children into behaving respectfully.  No matter how guilty they try to make you feel because of the bad things that happened to them, require civilized behavior at home.  Since you’re not a bullying parent, you’ll allow them more flexibility when they’re young, but the older they get, the higher the standards you must set.

These resistant children have a hard time between the ages of approximately 10-20.
When kids are young, we allow them to get away with more.  We see potential and we accept promises.  But between ages about 10-20, the whole world shifts for them.  Potential and promises are no longer enough.  Results matter more and more.

Especially at home, when they move through the teenage years we must pay only for performance.
Just like the world does also.

How to you know if your child is damaged beyond repair?

The best way to learn how to raise caring, polite kids and to stop selfish, hostile, bullying adults is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and counseling so you can:

1. Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.
2. Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to create the life your spirit has always hungered for.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert coaching by phone or Skype.

Test: Who are the bullies?

When I go into a workplace to train or consult, I ask: “Who are the bullies?”  If people say, “We don’t know” or “We haven’t had any ever,” they’re probably in trouble.

When I talk with principals, counselors and teachers in a school, I ask, “Who are the bullies and where in the school do they bully?”  If the answer is, “We don’t know” or “We’ve never had any,” they’re probably in trouble.

When I counsel or coach people about their personal and family lives, I ask, “Who are the bullies and what have you done about it?”  If the answer is, “There are no bullies in our extended family” or “It’s not so bad” or “That’s just the way they are,” I know they’re in trouble.  They’re probably minimizing or excusing the behavior and damage, or covering it up (family secrets).

In any group of about 30 people, there’s at least one person who uses bullying tactics.  Often, that bully has created a clique or mob.  In addition to my experience, there are even studies showing that.

Some people are aghast that I ask those questions.  They say, “Won’t the label stigmatize those people?”  Of course, the answer is that they are already stigmatized.  Everyone knows who the bullies are.

Also stigmatized already are the supposed responsible authorities who ignore, condone or even encourage harassment, negativity, bullying and abuse.  Everyone know who allows bullying to continue, who gives bullies space and power to do their worst.

The first step to protect the targets is to expose and label bullying behavior and the perpetrators and predators.  The second step is to change the situation.

The best way to learn how to create a bully-free environment is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and counseling so you can:

1. Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.
2. Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to create the life your spirit has always hungered for.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert coaching by phone or Skype.

History is not destiny

Bullies want you to give up.  They want you to think they’re more relentless; they’ve always won; you know they’ll again so why struggle or fight.  Resistance is futile.  They want you to think the future will be a repeat of the past.

Self-bullying and self-abuse follows the same pattern.  That negative, insidious inner voice tells you that you’ll never succeed; you’ve never kept your resolutions; you’ve never changed the things you’ve tried hardest to change; you have a defect inside that will destroy you.  You’re an imposter, a phony, not enough, bad.  Think of all your failures, the embarrassing moments, the people who turned away.  Resistance is futile.

That’s all wrong.

History is not destiny!

The message in all the great stories from all the great traditions is the same: Never give up.  Let nothing crush you.  Keep fighting because you choose to.

Whether you’re Odysseus or Neo from the Matrix; whether you’re Gandhi, Mandela or Scrooge; whether you’re Bilbo or Frodo or Aragorn; whether you’re Arjuna or Rama; whether you’re Joan of Arc or Sita or Parvati, whether you’re Arwyn or Tauriel; the message that matters is always the same.

Fear and despair are bullies.  Never give in to anxiety or depression.  Keep trying.  Keep fighting.  Count the victories more than the set-backs.

History is not destiny!

Give your all in service to your highest and greatest aspirations.

The best way to learn how to create and thoroughly enjoy the life you want is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and counseling so you can:

1. Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.
2. Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to create the life your spirit has always hungered for.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert coaching by phone or Skype.