Jill wanted to save her marriage.
Her husband, Charlie, was narcissistic and relentlessly negative and critical of her. He bullied and abused her. He always knew what was right and when she didn’t obey him, he blew up. He hadn’t hit her yet but she was afraid his angry tirades would escalate into physical violence. The situation sounded just like what he’d told her had happened in his first marriage.
She thought that since the only thing she could change was herself, she’d change to fit what Charlie wanted. She was sure when Charlie got what he wanted he’d finally like her as he had when they’d first met.
But no matter how much she changed, it was never enough. Charlie was never pleased. So she decided to change even more in order to save the marriage. However, there were points beyond which she could never go. Her spirit rebelled more and more, and she even started to dislike Charlie.
When she called me, her question was still, “How can I save the marriage?”
After a while she saw that the more she accepted the total responsibility for changing to please Charlie, the more she disliked him. The conflict between the two sides of her was depressing her.
Jill’s breakthrough came when she saw that:
- She didn’t want to save the marriage as it was. She wanted to save a better marriage that was exciting and fulfilling to her. It was a marriage with people treating each other the way Charlie had when they first met.
- Charlie also had to want to save the marriage that she dreamed about. But it seemed that he only wanted to save the marriage in which she was his perfect servant.
All she could really do was to act in the way her spirit would be thrilled, hold out a vision of the wonderful marriage she wanted and give Charlie an opportunity to change to fit that vision.
She could do her part but it was up to Charlie to do his part to save the wonderful marriage she hoped for. She couldn’t save that marriage all by herself. Charlie had to want to save it just as much as she did.
Of course, there are many complications depending on your situation. The best way to learn how to stop being used, manipulated and bullied is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and counseling so you can:
- Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.
- Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to create the life your spirit has always hungered for.
Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert coaching by phone or Skype.