Dora (fictitious name) thought she was a failure. Her job had been to teach her daughter why polite, civil, nice behavior mattered, why empathy, compassion, sympathy and understanding were important. Dora thought these rules about normal behavior were so clear that anyone should understand them. But her daughter never seemed to understand. Clearly, Dora wasn’t a good enough teacher. She felt guilty and ashamed about how her daughter had turned out.
Her 40-year-old daughter was relentlessly critical, mean and nasty to Dora. She had always been bullying, abusive and toxic. When young, the girl had been diagnosed as a narcissist, but Dora had always thought she could change her. Whenever Dora tried to explain the normal rules or to state her boundaries, her daughter laughed at her and attacked her more viciously. When challenged, her daughter said only her rules mattered, and she had plenty of reasons and justifications for how she treated Dora. Her behavior was all Dora’s fault. Dora deserved whatever her daughter felt like dumping on her.
Clearly, Dora’s rules didn’t matter to her daughter.
Dora finally realized her reasoning, debating, arguing, trying to prove she was right were a waste of her time and energy.
Her daughter didn’t care what Dora thought or the evidence Dora used to prove her daughter was wrong about what she claimed. Her daughter wanted to continue doing what she was doing; she wouldn’t be talked out of it.
Dora finally came up with the excuse that her daughter simply didn’t understand how much pain she was causing Dora.
Dora also tried to excuse the behavior by thinking her daughter had low EQ or was on the Autism/Asperger’s Spectrum. But people on the Spectrum don’t set out to hurt other people. Actually, Dora’s daughter was extremely sensitive to how she could hurt Dora. She knew just how to attack Dora in secret or in her most sensitive “emotional black-blue places.” She was sensitive enough to know what Dora’s triggers were and how to poke them most effectively.
Dora realized her daughter didn’t care about Dora, her rules or her boundaries.
However, she did care very much about what she wanted and what her rules were. And she was addicted to the pleasure she got when she hurt Dora.
What could Dora do?
The first changes she made were internal. She stopped thinking of her daughter in the way she wished her daughter had turned out. She stopped thinking her daughter’s behavior was driven by lack of understanding and empathy, which could be solved by teaching and wisdom. She started thinking of her daughter as addicted to the pleasure she got when she caused Dora pain. That new way of thinking enabled Dora to easily recognize the patterns in her daughter’s behavior
Also, Dora stopped explaining her daughter’s behavior with psycho-analytical words like “insecure, jealous, low self-esteem.” Those words had made Dora relax because she thought she understood and had compassion for her daughter. When Dora had thought in those terms, she minimized pain, and was more vulnerable. Those words didn’t alert her to the extent her daughter hurt her and to the danger of her daughter’s next act to hurt her.
Instead, Dora put her daughter in a special box/category in her mental/emotional space. She kept her compassion and used words like: user, nasty, hater, monster, predator, vulture, addict, etc. Then, she was prepared for what her daughter was likely to do, based on past performance.
Next, she left her shame and guilt behind. She knew the steps her daughter had repeated to become the person she had. There was nothing Dora could have done to change that. It was not her fault.
Next, she started making changes externally. She stopped reasoning, explaining, debating, and trying to convince her daughter that Dora’s rules were better. She stopped treating her daughter like a person with the same rules and values Dora had for how to treat people kindly and nicely. She stopped feeding her daughter’s addiction by being hurt and triggered. She simply shifted to consequences for her daughter.
Of course, there are many complications depending on your situation. The best way to learn how to take power in your life and to be the person you want to be is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and counseling so you can:
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