Cyndi's husband was a negative, controlling, abusive bully. He yelled, threatened, never let her spend money and knew that he was right. He had the power and should be in charge.
Cyndi studied the literature on narcissists, control-freaks and bullies. She researched her husband’s family history. When she pointed out his family patterns or tried to argue with him, he got worse. When she tried to show him he fit the Seven Early Warning signs of bullies, he yelled that she was the bully.
She hated conflict and confrontation. She didn’t know what to do. Nothing she read helped. Maybe, she thought, someday she’d read something that held the magic key. She’d say the right thing and her husband’s eyes would open; he’d see what a bully he was and he’d change.
That was Cyndi’s problem. As long as she read and thought; as long as she learned more and more about why bullies were bullies, she’d remain stuck.
As long as she refused to take action, even though action was the only hope of her having a bully-free personal space, she’d remain a victim to her fears and her need to know everything.
The key that unlocked Cyndi’s power was changing the question. Instead of, “Why is he a bully?” Cyndi started asking herself, “How do I want to be treated? What is non-negotiable and what is non-negotiable?” Instead of arguing about labels (Was he a bully or a control-freak or a narcissist?) Cyndi simply focused of what behavior she wanted in her life and what she wouldn’t live with.
Instead of looking for an easy, comfortable, instantaneous, magical method, Cyndi remember all the things she’d learned simply by doing them over and over, and getting better bit by bit. Instead of letting her weakness and feelings stop her, Cyndi got determined to do the hard things that made her heart sing, despite the fear.
Action, step-by-step, led Cyndi to freedom and power over her own life.
Cyndi’s actions, intended to create a better living environment for both of them, impressed her husband with the need for him to change if he wanted to stay married to her.
Of course, the same action approach is necessary to stop bullying wives, dates, entitled teenagers, toxic parents, toxic adult children and friends. Actions speak louder than words. They’ll only listen to actions.
The best way to learn how to take power in your life and to stop bullying is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and counseling so you can:
- Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.
- Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to create the life your spirit has always hungered for.
Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert coaching by phone or Skype.