Jean said, “I’ve lived my life for my children and I always will.”
That sounds like a sweet sentiment and many people in middle age still think it. But Jean was paying a very heavy price for living it.
First there was the guilt.
After enduring years of emotional and physical criticism, hostility, rage, bullying and abuse, Jean had divorced her husband. Her son hated her for that and always let her know she’d ruined his life.
Of course, she really hadn’t ruined his life. She’d offered him an example of what bullies eventually get and she’d shown him a lifetime of decent, loving, caring treatment. She’d sacrificed and worked very hard to pay for his college and also supported him as he got started in life, married, had a son and gotten divorced himself.
Jean had accepted his criticism and blame. She must be guilty for ruining his life since she hadn’t done what he wanted and he was still angry about it.
Then came the blackmail.
Her son wouldn’t let Jean see her grandson unless she:
- Gave him everything he wanted at any particular moment (money, sympathy, errands).
- Endured his negativity, tirades and abuse whenever he felt like dishing them out.
- Begged for his forgiveness the rest of his life.
He was clear; she’d never be able to do enough; she’d pay in any way he wanted for as long as he wanted. She could see he was like an empty bucket with holes all through it. No matter how much love, guilt, money she poured into it, she’d never be able to fill it. And it was all her fault.
He was toxic, just like his father.
Jean couldn’t see how to set any boundaries without losing the connection to her grandson. She was hostage once more to an angry, bullying person.
What’s missing for Jean is a wonderful, exciting life.
As long as Jean centers her life on making amends to her son and bribing him to let her see her grandson, she’s trapped. As long as her only joy is her grandson, she’s held hostage.
Only after Jean expanded her vision and awaken once again to all the wonderful experiences she could have in her life, only after Jean removed from the center of her solar system the idea that her life depended on pleasing her son, only after she put her future joy in the center of her solar system could she set the necessary boundaries with her son.
Then she could give herself the gift of a wonderful life with the true family of her heart, mind and Spirit. And get the opportunity to see her grandson.
Of course, there are many complications depending on your situation; especially how hateful and toxic your children are. The best way to learn how to stop being used, manipulated and bullied is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and counseling so you can:
- Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.
- Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to create the life your spirit has always hungered for.
Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert coaching by phone or Skype.