Cora (fictitious name) didn’t know how to reach her 35-year-old son and make him understand how many lies he’d told and how much pain he was causing her. She’d never accepted that he actually wanted to hurt her, control her and get everything she had.
He was bullying, abusive and toxic. When other people were around, he was sneaky; he disguised his relentless criticism of her as jokes. He was extremely righteous in his anger. He was a covert narcissist. Even when Cora gave him all the money he wanted, his verbal and emotional beatings continued. She realized her giving was self-defeating.
When he was younger, he’d been diagnosed as a narcissist with sociopathic tendencies, but Cora believed that with enough love and kindness, he’d finally understand how much she’d loved and cared for him. Then he’d trust her, appreciate her and treat her like a good, loving son should.
Cora kept saying she had to have hope.
Her problem was that while she was keeping hope alive, she kept reaching out and giving him what he wanted; material goods and a scapegoat to beat. She justified that by telling herself that the most important thing was that he’d know she still loved him. But eventually, she realized her giving hadn’t changed his cruelty.
Eventually Cora realized he knew she loved him; he actually counted on the fact that she loved him. When she kept reaching out nicely, lovingly, he was filled with glee because he knew she was still willing to endure pain and suffering. He knew her kindness was an invitation to bully, abuse and manipulate her. She’d still take it and keep coming back for more.
The real question for Cora was, “What do you do while you keep hope alive and you’re waiting for a miracle to transform his heart?”
Often, when we love, we let hope cloud our judgment, blind us to reality, cling to wishful thinking. Finally, she realized that she couldn’t fix the problem from inside the family dynamic. She had to wait until his heart changed before anything she did could help him.
Cora understood that she didn’t need to give up hope or even wishful thinking. She just needed to stop giving him permission to abuse her. She had to protect herself from evil. She had to love him from afar. She could still use prayer and candles. She realized that if “love” meant to her that she must allow him to use her and beat her, her definition of love was really her instructions for self-harm, her instructions for how to be a martyr.
She realized she was ruining her son by enabling him to stay delusional, mean, nasty and cruel, and get rewarded for that attitude and behavior.
Her help encouraged the opposite effect from the one she wanted. She’d been feeding a monster and keeping it alive. Her son was addicted to blaming everything wrong in his life on her and causing her pain. By accepting his abusive treatment of her, she was supplying an addict with his drug of choice. Continuing to enable him would only encourage his addiction, not stop it.
With relentless bullies, narcissists, toxic adult children, you can’t keep the door open a little, hoping you can control the situation.
Cora had hoped she could contain the pain and chaos he brought into her life. Cora’s former therapist had said she must keep the door open; she must build a little bridge. For example, she’d be safe if she saw him only in public places or if there were other people around.
The little-bridge theory had never worked because, for relentless bullies and narcissists, it’s all-or-none. They’ll use the tiniest crack of an open door. Any contact with him put her in the line of fire.
Over the years, the little opening she’d kept had allowed him to hurt her with a thousand cuts. He’d made sneaky put-downs about his horrible childhood; how abandoned and neglected he’d felt. He’d provoked her until she’d gotten angry. Then he’d openly attacked her for her anger; his life had been ruined because his mother was always angry.
Cora had been humiliated and trapped in front of everyone. He’d spread lies about what she’d had done to him so other people would feel sorry for him. Every time Cora had tried to defend herself with facts, he’d accused her of hurting his feelings and destroying his self-esteem when he’d been growing up.
Cora decided to close the door until he’d proven to her, over time, without reward that a miracle had occurred; his heart had been changed.
Now she said, “I love you always, but I don’t like you and the way you treat me, so I won’t see you until you prove to me that you’ve changed.”
Of course, there are many complications depending on your situation. The best way to learn how to take power in your life and to be the person you want to be is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and counseling so you can:
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