We can be in many different relationships with narcissists and control-freaks – dates, friends, spouses, parents, adult children, young children, bosses, co-workers, teachers, school bullies.  But they’re all the same and they’re all toxic.

The basis of all these relationships is that we must do what they want or we’ll be beaten or manipulated until we serve their wishes and whims.  It’s that simple.

In some of these relationships, we can easily remove or leave the bully to avoid more criticism, negativity and abuse.

However, sometimes, we choose to continue these relationships but it must be:

  1. Only one or a few.  If there are more, we’ll get drained, our resistance will diminish and as soon as our soular batteries run low they’ll eat our energy and our flesh.  We’ll get sick physically, emotionally and spiritually.
  2. Under our terms, not theirs.  Even the most cheerful of spirits will dry up and shrivel under their constant attacks.

Many people waste time trying to psychoanalyze the narcissistic control-freaks they face.  
But only a few moments thought will tell you the top five reasons narcissistic control-freaks have for starting and continuing their behavior patterns.  And, if you think in terms of cause-effect histories, only a few moments inquiry will be necessary to satisfy your mind about the situations in which they magnified their natural instinct for self-focus and decided they needed to control everything.

But so what?  The purpose of analysis is to help find a solution.  However, you’ve already discovered that you can never give them enough self-confidence and self-esteem so they’ll accept not getting what they want, compromise more and they’ll let other people have their own ways of doing things.

Trying to be loving and perfect enough hasn’t worked and never will.  You can’t rescue, therapeutize or heal them.  Stop meddling.  That’s not your responsibility.

Your responsibility is to create a wonderful, joyous, bully-free life; to create an isle of song in a sea of shouts (Rabindranath Tagore).

I haven’t seen narcissistic control-freaks change their personalities and behavior, but I have seen them change their targets.  The only way I’ve seen them change their behavior toward you is when:

  1. You get rid of them so you’re no longer a target.
  2. The consequences of abusing you are so great that they turn their attention to controlling other people.  In order to do that, they must want the relationship you want more than they insist on relating only the way they want.

In fact, their willingness to change behavior is a test of how much they want a wonderful, loving relationship the way you want.  If they only want it their way, get them gone.

Of course, there are many complications depending on your situation, especially having children.  The best way to learn how to stop being used, manipulated and bullied is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and counseling so you can:

  1. Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.
  2. Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to create the life your spirit has always hungered for.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert coaching by phone or Skype.

AuthorBen Leichtling