Leaving toxic parents and enabling family

Lucy’s mother was horrible to her for as long as Lucy could remember – always critical, controlling, sarcastic and predicting failure.  According to Lucy’s mother, Lucy was not only never good enough, she was rotten to the core – a bad seed.  Lucy’s mother had denied or taken away everything Lucy has wanted.

Lucy had tried to please her mother in every way she could think of, but nothing had bought more than a moment’s reprieve from her mother’s harassment.  Lucy also learned that if she put up more than a token argument, her mother would get even meaner and more abusive.  Her mother had rarely hit Lucy but the mental and emotional abuse felt like torture.

Lucy’s father wasn’t mean or nasty but he never stopped Lucy’s mother.  He simply turned his back and vanished.  His only advice to Lucy was, “That’s the way she is, you’ll just have to put up with it.”  Her relatives and siblings felt the same way.  By continuing to minimize or excuse her mother’s behavior or sometimes piling on also, they enabled Lucy’s mother to continue bullying them all.

So Lucy had endured her toxic mother.

When she was 21 and still living with her parents, Lucy had met and fallen in love.  Despite her mother’s hatred of Harry, Lucy had married him.  And despite her mother’s predictions, it turned out wonderful.  Harry was really nice and his parents welcomed Lucy into their hearts.  Lucy and her husband were financially independent and they had two wonderful children.

Lucy’s mother expanded her negativity and abuse to include Lucy’s children.  Lucy told her mother how her bullying and abuse was harmful but her mother hardly stopped.

Lucy’s oldest child didn’t care.  He didn’t fight back; he simply ignored his grandmother.  But Lucy’s youngest child was more sensitive.  She was crushed by what her grandmother said and did.  Initially Lucy wanted her daughter to get over her hurt feelings and grin and bear it.  But finally Lucy snapped.  She didn’t want her daughter to have the scars she had.  She’d had enough.

Lucy saw that she had to make a choice: Protect her mother or protect her daughter.
Of course, Lucy brought up many questions before she felt ready to protect the wonderful life she and her husband had created:

1. How could she stop her mother’s bullying and abuse when she’d already tried every logical argument she could think of?  In the past, her mother had simply ignored Lucy’s pain and anger, and pretended that what she did was justified and normal.
2. How could she ignore the debt she owed her mother for raising her?  How could she get over her guilt at resisting her mother?  Was it morally right to dishonor her mother by choosing her daughter as more important?
3. If she pushed her mother away, would she lose her whole family?  What if the rest of the family started twisting her arms?  How could her family survive if she cut off her mother?  Who would come to help if she got sick?
4. What could she do if her mother behaved sweetly for a little while and then reverted to her old ways?

Lucy did act bravely and strongly.  She succeeded and created a bully-free environment for herself and her family.  I won’t go into Lucy’s answers and the strategy Lucy chose.  You can begin learning from an earlier article: What You Owe Toxic Parents

The best way to learn how to stop toxic parents and enabling families is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and counseling so you can:

1. Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.
2. Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to get bullying and abuse out of your life.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert coaching by phone or Skype.

Stop verbal polluters and toxic waste dumpers in your work space

You know who the verbal polluters and toxic waste dumpers are in your workplace.  The question is: How do you avoid them or get them to go somewhere else?

Sometimes the polluters and dumpers simply give you too much information about their personal lives or physical ailments.  Or they just love the sound of their voices.  They can spend all day going from person to person with their stories while you’re trying to get your work done.

Some spread vicious gossip, rumors and innuendos – more information than you want about anyone else’s personal life.  Or they vent their nastiness and anger, not once but endlessly.  Or they complain continually about their favorite injustices, divisive agendas and latest targets.  They want you to join their cliques to ostracize or attack today’s scapegoat.

It’s like being back in school.  They’re the mean girls and boys who majored in put-downs and cutting out.  They’re bullies who have gotten sneakier at bullying.

To read the rest of this article from the Denver Business Journal, see:
Stop verbal polluters and toxic waste dumpers in your work space

It’s too boring, wasteful, sleazy and manipulative.  You feel like someone just threw up all over your workspace.  After they leave you want to take a shower, change clothes and call in the Merry Maids to get rid of the stench.

“Polluters” and “toxic waste dumpers” are strong words.  But I think they’re accurate.  You can mop up a little.  But if you let it go on, it’ll ruin your environment and suck you under.  Eventually, you won’t be able to function effectively.

But if it doesn’t involve specific comments that would be defined as harassment or creating a hostile workplace, what can you do to protect your personal ecology?

To read the rest of this article from the Denver Business Journal, see:

Stop verbal polluters and toxic waste dumpers in your work space

Persevere.  Polluters want to convince you they’re more determined than you are.

Nothing about this may seem fair but that’s the way it is.  There’s no law against prevalent verbal pollution.  You have to guard your personal ecology on your own.

Of course, we face the same type of polluters in our personal lives.  But we have a much wider range of possible responses there.

The best way to learn how to stop verbal polluters and toxic waste dumpers is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and organizational consulting to create a workplace culture you want.

Design and implement an effective plan that eliminates the high cost of low attitudes.  To get the help you need, call Ben at 1-877-828-5543.

Donald Sterling doesn’t want forgiveness

Donald Sterling now claims he made a mistake and that he wants forgiveness.

He’s lying on both counts.

Donald Sterling didn’t make a mistake.
A mistake is something minor; something about which you can say, “Oops,” and everyone laughs.  Donald Sterling thinks and said some horrible, atrocious, demeaning things.  Donald Sterling wants to minimize the nature of what he said by calling his thoughts and words “mistakes.”  No, they’re much worse.  And the debt owed is much greater.

Donald Sterling doesn’t want forgiveness.
He want to get off with a free pass.  He wants to be let off the hook.  He wants no consequences.  That’s not “forgiveness,” that’s a free opportunity to stay in the same position to do the same things.

And he wants to have to make no amends or to be the one who decides what amends are called for.  The NBA has already determined the amends required.

Three year old kids might be given a free pass one time when they confess and promise never to be bad again.  Or when their excuse is that someone dared them to do it or baited them.  But adults don’t get forgiven their debts and simply walk away.  We hold them to a higher standard and we have consequences for crimes.

I wonder how many debts Donald Sterling forgave his tenants for as he amassed his millions.

There’s a big difference between forgiveness and no consequences.  And sneaky bullies always try to confuse us by saying those words mean the same thing and there should be no consequences or amends for what they’ve done.  And we should give them the same opportunity to harass, abuse and bully us again.

The best way to learn how to stop sneaky, manipulative bullies is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and counseling so you can:

1. Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.
2. Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to get bullying and manipulation out of your life.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert coaching by phone or Skype.

Kindle Book - "How to Stop Sneaky Bullies"

“How to Stop Sneaky Bullies” is finally published in a Kindle Edition.  It’s a revised and updated version of “Bullies Below the Radar,” 2nd edition

You can find it at: http://www.amazon.com/dp/B00K0PH08A

If you:

• Live in frustrating, painful, toxic, hostile relationships or a marriage full of drudgery and pain.
• Get worn down by passive aggressive manipulation, negativity, criticism, harassment, control, emotional intimidation, endless arguing, bullying or abuse.
• Suffer in silence – watching yourself or your spouse, your children or friends get bullied.
• Try to be sweet and nice, reasonable and understanding, people pleasing and serving others, and still get bullied.

This book is for you!

This case study uses a long-term relationship with children to demonstrate methods that will help you take power and stop bullies in any situation in personal life, at school and at work.  Learn how to:

• Recognize and stop sneaky bullies in any relationship – on first dates or even if you are married with children; with toxic parents, toxic adult children or narcissistic friends; at work and at school.
• Set effective boundaries so you can get treated like you want.
• Have the loving, long-term relationships and friendships you desire.
• Create a bully-free environment.

Go beyond magical thinking – searching for a technique that will work instantly, easily and last forever.  With this book you can learn real-world methods to:

• Change your mind-set.
• Build character, courage and skill.
• Stop controllers, critics, exploders, pushy perfectionists, emotional intimidators, smiling manipulators and relentless arguers.
• Stop bullying spouses, dates, parents, children, relatives and friends.

The best way to learn how to stop sneaky bullies in personal life and at work is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and counseling so you can:

1. Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.
2. Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to create the bully-free life your spirit has always hungered for.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert coaching by phone or Skype.

Donald Sterling: Shame and Honor

Donald Sterling brought shame and dishonor onto himself and his children, on his extended family and his basketball team, on his city and country.  He embarrassed himself in front of everyone.

What can Donald Sterling do to reclaim some honor and dignity?
Donald Sterling is a fighter.  He may think that courage, honor and making more money demand that he fight back. His lawyers can help him spin what he said during a contentious personal and private argument.   He knows how to harass, manipulate and bully people and the legal system.  He can get involved in protracted legal battles that will keep himself and his children in the media for a long time.

To regain what he can of his honor and dignity, I implore him not to.

Many societies have codes that specify what brings shame and dishonor to an individual and family.  And they each have ways of regaining some of that honor – for the sake of their children and grandchildren, for the sake of their legacy.

I am not encouraging Donald Sterling to commit seppuku.  That’s not the way of our culture.  But I don’t want his children walking down the street through lines of people hissing “seppuku” as a response to the shame he has bought.

Mr. Sterling, all you have to do is have the courage to respond with dignity and put the Clippers up for sale before the other owners try to force you to.  Avoid a long and odious fight, avoid the glare of publicity and shame that will spread like a blot over your family.  Avoid a fire sale.  Get an arbitrator to help set the price so you can make a huge profit on your team.  

Or try seppuku.

Act with dignity so your grandchildren will speak your name with pride.

Oh, by the way, don’t talk to the girlfriend anymore.  If you have to communicate, let your lawyers do it.  Nothing good comes from old guys getting into vicious arguments while they break up with young girlfriends.  Get a new girlfriend.

The best way to learn how to act with honor, dignity and success in tough situations is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and counseling so you can:

1. Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.
2. Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to leave a good name and legacy.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert coaching by phone or Skype.

An effective response to toxic parents and abusive spouses

A lot of people are too young to run away from toxic parents.  What can you do in the face of relentless criticism, harassment, bullying and abuse?  What can you do if you’re stuck for some a finite time in these homes?

Three images-reminders to begin with:

1. Be invulnerable.  Survive no matter what.  Ignore them as much as possible.  Their opinions don’t count.  Don’t debate or argue.  Fly low and make secret plans in the fastness of your heart.  Then get free.
2. Be unbroken.  Plan for your leaving; in the middle of the night if you have to.  Learn a skill so you can make a living.  Or get away to college.  Become financially and physically independent.  No matter how long.  No matter how far.
3. Let nothing crush you.  Be like your ancestors, who survived far worse than you probably have.  They survived flood and drought, famine and plague, fire and tornado, war, pillage, rape and slavery.  You have that DNA in you.  They survived and you can too.  Learn the lives of heroes who had it worse than you and who will inspire strength and fighting spirit in you.

It really is that simple and straightforward.  If may be extremely difficult.  But your future is calling to you.  Your next seventy years are calling to you.

It’s the same with toxic spouses – husbands and wives.  Those toxic people took away the first years of your life.  Don’t let them take away the rest.

Every morning, before you get out of bed send your spirit roaring, like Aslan’s call over Narnia; roaring over your body and mind and soul.  Don’t despair.  Live.  Rise with the courage, strength and will to live.

Take your power and plan.  Be free to fulfill your life.

Be magnificent.  Be the hero of your life.

The best way to endure and free yourself from toxic perpetrators is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and counseling so you can:

1. Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.
2. Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to create the bully-free life your spirit has always hungered for.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert coaching by phone or Skype.

Am I bullying when I resist a bully?

Tom was being bullied by someone he’d known for years.  With a smile and a soft voice, the other guy put Tom down relentlessly, mocked him or shouted at him publically, stabbed him in the back and spread rumors about him.  Tom had tried to ignore the negativity and criticism all that time or to rise above the harassment and abuse.  

When Tom finally labeled the other guy as a bully, he wanted to defend himself and he wanted to strike back.  Even though he felt like his blood was being poisoned by this snake, he hesitated.  His questions were typical: If I resist, am I a bully?  If I strike back, am I a bully?

I’ve been vague about the situation because, even though this was at work, the same pattern plays out in all areas of life – when spouses are relentless in demeaning their partners, when toxic parents or adult children spread their poison, when grown siblings fight, when extended family members attack someone, when supposed friends cut someone down, and, of course, at school.

If I resist and fight back, am I a bully?
No.  It’s that simple.

Tom must protect himself from a relentless predator who’s trying to feed off him and get him fired.  Predators like sharks or hyenas won’t quit when we’re nice to them.  Since the other guy is waging war, Tom must do whatever he needs to in order to protect himself.  He’s not bullying.  The other guy will show Tom how far he has to go in order to win.

Initially, Tom would have stopped attacking the other guy if the other guy had stopped trying to get Tom fired.  But now it’s a matter of survival.  Tom say, “I forgive him and I’ll bury him.

Good for Tom.  He needs to protect himself and his family from the predator.

The best way to free yourself from self-doubt and to stop bullies is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and counseling so you can:

1. Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.
2. Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to create the bully-free life your spirit has always hungered for.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert coaching by phone or Skype.

Don't let relentless critics drive you down

Taking feedback well and using it to improve your performance is important.

But recognizing relentless criticism meant to destroy you and responding appropriately is equally important.

To read the rest of this article from the Denver Business Journal, see:
Don’t let relentless critics drive you down

For example, Tom hired three top people for his team of 10.  Within a week, they began questioning all Tom’s decisions and even his suggestions.  The relentless criticism was led by John, the senior of the three people, and took place both in one-to-one interactions and in team meetings.

Led by John, the questioning shifted from demeaning, innocuous cuts to open criticism of his capabilities, track record and leadership style.  Every small mistake was magnified into a major setback.  Tom was subjected to continual and personal negativity, harassment, bullying and abuse.  Overall team performance suffered.

Still, Tom accepted all this with good grace.  He wanted to be a better manager and he wanted his staff to think of him as a nice guy – open and considerate.

As the criticism grew, Tom’s self-doubt grew while his confidence and self-esteem plummeted.  How could he have thought he was so competent when so many other people had their doubts about him?  He must have been really lucky to have succeeded all those years despite his now-glaring faults.

When Tom hadn’t responded effectively to the first round of attacks, John and his allies had become bolder.  The more John allowed himself to be pushed, the more they pushed his boundaries.

Why had people joined John?  Most people try to figure out the rules of the road wherever they are.  They try to fit in with whoever seems to have the power.

When there’s a power vacuum, as Tom had allowed, someone will move in to claim the territory.  For the betterment of the whole team, don’t allow the most nasty, selfish, manipulative people to claim the power.

The best way to learn how to stop relentless critics who gain power and control is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and organizational consulting.

Design and implement an effective plan that eliminates the high cost of low attitudes.  To get the help you need, call Ben at 1-877-828-5543.

Stop Guilt, Blame and Shame

Guilt, blame and shame are lousy motivation strategies.

But who can relieve you of them?

Jane’s son said he felt he’d never gotten enough; his brother and sister were always loved by Jane more.  Especially after Jane divorced their father, he started using her guilt to harass and manipulate her into giving him whatever he wanted.

Jane and the other kids said he was wrong in his claims.

Even after they were all grown and independent, Jane’s son would still explode at Jane.  He’d tell her off and demand she give him what he wanted.  Everywhere else in her life – career, family, friends – Jane would never let anyone treat her that way.  But with her son, she still felt guilty and would accept his negativity, criticism, bullying and abuse.  She used her guilt to keep herself making amends even though she hated the way he treated her.

She assumed that:

• Since he felt that way, since it was his truth, she had to accept his tirades and manipulation.
• Since she could never be an objective judge of history, she had to believe his opinion.
• If she gave him enough, eventually he’d be satisfied and forgive her.
• After he forgave her, she’d feel relieved and he’d treat her better.

When she finally saw him for the bully he was, she felt even more guilty because she had created this monster in her extended family’s bosom.  He treated her that way because she had allowed him to get away with it.  Because he never forgave her and he continued to try to beat or manipulate her into submission, she had actually given him more than the other children.  How could she forgive herself?

Then she laughed at the ridiculousness of that vicious cycle.  And the laughter broke her free.

She forgave herself.
If she had known better she would have done better.  There was nothing she could do to change their history.  But there was a lot she could do to change their future.

When the guilt, blame and shame lifted from her shoulders, she told her other children of her epiphany and her plan to make it up to them.  She told them what she would say to that son and prepared them for his backlash.  They were thrilled.

Then she told that son she’d forgiven herself – no more blame shame or guilt.  She felt like she’d been freed from dark prison.  He’d have to treat her nice if he wanted any contact with her.

Since this is really about forgiving yourself, not waiting for someone else to forgive you, I won’t go into the details of her son’s unsuccessful struggle to ensnare her once again, but he never could.

The best way to free yourself from guilt, blame and shame, and to stop bullying is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and counseling so you can:

1. Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.
2. Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to create the bully-free life your spirit has always hungered for.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert coaching by phone or Skype.

Don't let 'professional victims' gain power

April is a bully.  But you might not recognize her as one because she portrays herself as a perpetual victim.  And that makes her bullying hard to discern – and even harder to fix.

So what do you do with “professional victims” whose feelings are always hurt, who are always angry, complain about everything and demand that the workplace be made to suit their convenience?

First, you need to recognize that they’re bullies who use their super-sensitive, hurt feelings to gain power and control.

To read the rest of this article from the Denver Business Journal, see:
Don’t let ‘professional victims’ gain power

April became an unofficial power center in the team because her latest manager tried to pacify her by giving in to whatever she wanted.  Other people on the team saw April had power and control, and either became part of her gang or got out of the way as best they could.

Finally, April’s manager decided to act.  The result of his actions was that as April lost power and control, other members of the team began to leave her clique.  They stepped forward to expose some of the dirty tricks April had used in her rise to power.

The professional victims you bend over backwards for, like April, are the ones most likely to file grievances when you stop giving them everything they want.  They’ve been trained to think they’re entitled to special treatment.  But with your good documentation, they won’t win.

April’s manager had finally seen the light: He couldn’t sacrifice everyone else on the team to please one person.  He saw that if he gave April any fraction of what she demanded, she’d never stop complaining.  He couldn’t let her become the ruler of the team.  That was his responsibility.

Professional victims can control individuals, families and groups in personal life also.  But, like splinters, they can be removed.

The best way to learn how to stop professional victims who gain power and control is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and organizational consulting.

Design and implement an effective plan that eliminates the high cost of low attitudes.  To get the help you need, call Ben at 1-877-828-5543.

Too polite to protest against bullying?

Joan’s son had become a toxic adult child.

He’d corner Joan, physically or on the phone, and tell her how she’d ruined his life, his failures were her fault, she was a horrible mother, he’d never let her see her beloved grandchildren and she owed him all the money and love he wanted.

But in public he’d smile and be polite and sweet.  He’d certainly never do that in front of Joan’s long-time, second husband, who wouldn’t let that continue.

Joan defended herself and begged him to stop, but he only did for a short time when he was building up to demanding something very big. As soon as he got it, he went back to being relentlessly abusive and bullying.

Joan knew that all the other siblings knew about their one manipulative, loser brother but she could never bring herself to say anything in public.  And that’s what kept Joan stuck.

Just like many other families and schools and workplaces, keeping the big, explosive secrets hidden had kept Joan and her family trapped in the same pattern, with the most hostile vicious, nasty bully in control and power.

Yes, there’s a lot on the line here.  The whole family balance has hinged on her keeping silent and her connection with the grandchildren hangs in the balance.

Joan was too polite to say anything about her son.  She didn’t think she’d done anything particularly wrong when he was growing up but she did feel a tinge of guilt.  After all, since he felt so hurt, she must have been a failure as a mother.  Even worse, she hadn’t even noticed how bad she was.  Maybe her mistake, she thought, was that she’d given that son everything when he was growing up.

When Joan freed herself from her limitations about polite behavior and finally exposed her son’s behavior to the whole family, she was right; everything did change.  But it was for the good.  She stopped her abusive son in his tracks and she also kept contact with her grandchildren.

The best way to free yourself from your old rules and beliefs, and to stop bullying is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and counseling so you can:

1. Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.
2. Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to create the bully-free life your spirit has always hungered for.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert coaching by phone or Skype.

How to handle relentless boundary pushers at work

Negotiation and compromise are required tactics when we try to deal with unhappy or squabbling employees.  But when dealing with relentless boundary pushers, these approaches amount to appeasement.

To read the rest of this article from Business First of Louisville, see:
How to handle relentless boundary pushers at work

How do you recognize relentless boundary pushers?    

• Boundary pushers come in all sizes, shapes, sexes and levels in an organization.
• They always have reasonable explanations for their complaints and requests.  Although each demand might seem reasonable, there is a pattern.
• As soon as they receive anything through negotiation and compromise, they begin pushing another boundary.
• Pushers are relentless, selfish, narcissistic bullies.  They harass people and abuse the system.
• Pushers become unofficial power centers.

Two things should be clear:

1. You can’t negotiate or appease relentless boundary pushers to get them to stop pushing.
2. If you give in to their continued pushing, you’ll destroy professionalism and productivity in your team and your company.

I’d like to tell you that dealing with these boundary pushers is easy.  But it isn’t.  Boundary pushers aren’t satisfied with any exceptions you make on their behalf.  To them, it’s just an invitation to ask for more.

The best way to learn how to stop boundary pushers is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and organizational consulting.

Design and implement an effective plan that eliminates the high cost of low attitudes.  To get the help you need, call Ben at 1-877-828-5543.

Trust your accurate intuition

June had grown up being taught to distrust herself.

When she was a child, she often had a strong sense when someone in her extended family was being bad to her or bullying or tormenting her; when they didn’t care about her feelings.  She’d known when she’d been hurt by their harassment, criticism or sneaky put-downs.

But her parents had told her that her relatives were nice and kind, and she was wrong when she thought what they said was nasty or she was being bullying.  She should trust their judgment, not her own.  She should be a polite, quiet, good girl and not protest or make a scene.

Years later, when she had decades of history with those people, she could see when her intuition had been accurate.  Whenever she felt a certain twist in her gut or when she involuntarily ducked her shoulders in a certain way, she’d been trying to tell herself that she was indeed being attacked or set-up to feel bad.

But she’d always repressed herself and listened to her parents.  She’d talked herself out of doing anything.  She did want to be a good girl and the price for disobeying was very high.

But now that she had children of her own, she was going to set a different example.  If those relatives wouldn’t stop when she was polite then she’d make a scene.  If they didn’t like her when she pushed back verbally, she’d remove them from her life.  When they attacked her again, she’d say to herself, “Thanks for the reminder, jerk.”  And she’d decide what to do depending on the situation.

More important than her old rules about being a nice girl and never attracting attention or making a scene were her new rules about trusting her “accurate intuition,” about protecting herself and her children, and about setting a good example for her children.

She’d rather make mistakes following her own judgment than be a slave to theirs.  When she made that decision, she felt free; as if a huge weight had been removed from her shoulders.

She was excited, thinking about teaching her children to trust the signals of their accurate intuition.

The best way to learn to trust your accurate intuition and to stop bullying is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and counseling so you can:

1. Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.
2. Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to create the bully-free life your spirit has always hungered for.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert coaching by phone or Skype.

Childish adults can ruin a workplace

If adults who act like spoiled kids are allowed to run your workplace, they’ll ruin it – and drive you crazy in the process.

Many qualities associated with children are wonderful and even necessary for a successful workplace – enthusiasm, creativity and passion, to name a few.  But self-centered, manipulative, controlling adult-children are disruptive.

Do you recognize these seven typical, destructive children and their behavioral patterns?

To read the rest of this article from the Buffalo Law Journal, Business First of Buffalo, see:
Childish adults can ruin a workplace

1. Every toy is mine. “I want it now. I’m more important than anything else. My feelings count more than anyone else’s.”
2. Look at me. “Constantly tell me I’m wonderful.”
3. I’m always right. “I’m always the smartest. I’m better than anyone else.”
4. Please me. “Make everything perfect the way I want it. If you don’t do things my way, you’ll be sorry.”
5. Poor me. “I take everything personally. Your job is to make me feel good. I’m sensitive. Don’t hurt my feelings or there’ll be trouble.”
6. You can’t make me do anything or follow the rules.
7. Passive-aggressive. “I’m the most wonderful, sweet, humble, considerate person.”

I hope you recognize the havoc these spoiled adult-children cause in the workplace.

Unlike on television or in the movies, the real world problems with these spoiled-child adults don’t always turn out for the best.  Most of the spoiled adult-children we meet have been behaving like that for years.  They don’t see the light and change.  They’re not found out and disposed of.

What you can do to insulate yourself or to stop them depends on many factors, including the relationship.

Unfortunately, people often tolerate the manipulative, bullying, abusive and disruptive behavior.  Coworkers duck and run for cover saying: “That’s just the way he or she is.  Who wants to waste their time doing something about it?”

That approach simply enables the adult-child to run the office and ruin it.  After a short time, nobody wants to come to work and the best people develop exit strategies.

The best way to learn how to change the culture of your workplace, is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and organizational consulting.

Design and implement an effective plan that eliminates the high cost of low attitudes.  To get the help you need, call Ben at 1-877-828-5543.

Stop righteous spouses, parents, friends

Jane’s husband always knew what was best for her and got angry when she wouldn’t follow his suggestions.  Jack’s friend knew what Jack should do to further his career and was sarcastic when Jack don’t follow his directives.  Even though she was 35 and independent, April’s parents still told her what she should do to be happy and when she didn’t follow their orders, they told the whole family what a disobedient and ungrateful child she was.

I have a personal aversion to these righteous people who harass, bully and abuse us.  They think they’re important.  They want their values and rules to rule.

They’re missionaries.  They know they’re right, they know what’s best, they have the only truth and our desires, values and opinions don’t matter.  Their logic, reasoning and opinions are their gods.

They’re adept at manipulation through criticism, guilt and recriminations: “I told you a year ago but you didn’t listen to me and look where you are now.”

They use disapproval, confrontations and your politeness to enslave you.  Get over having to be polite.  Be willing to do what you want.  If they get upset that’s their choice.  Get over the fear of confrontations.

Be willing to make your own mistakes based on your best judgment.  That’s how you’ll learn to improve your judgment in the service of your values and desires.

Don’t let these people near you.  Don’t allow them to give their opinions.  Don’t get advice from people who want to beat you into submission.  Don’t become a slave to people who want to control you because they know what’s best for you.  Get what you need from someone who simply discusses things and even gives advice with no strings attached.

You have a wide range of actions to choose from, depending on the situation.

Be prepared: Righteous, abusive, missionaries won’t change and they will strike back.  They can’t let you get away with thinking on your own and disobeying them.

The best way to stop bullying, manipulative, righteous missionaries is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and counseling so you can:

1. Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.
2. Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to create the bully-free life your spirit has always hungered for.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert coaching by phone or Skype.

Bosses who want to be liked will probably fail

When your employees like you, they’re more likely to do their best for you -- and overlook some of your weaknesses.

But there are times when a desire to be liked can get in the way of your success.

Three important questions to ask yourself:

To read the rest of this article from the Portland Business Journal, see:
Bosses who want to be liked will probably fail

But the promotion triggered in Harry an intense desire to be liked by the people he supervised.  He didn’t want to be thought of as a tyrant or jerk, or as uncaring and unsympathetic.  He thought that if he gave everyone what they wanted, they’d be nice and more productive in return.  He also thought his manager would be impressed if she got reports that his staff liked him.

Consequently Harry went along with every request for personal time off, every suggested change in the physical work environment, substandard quality of work and relaxation of every deadline.

Harry’s desire to be liked and resulting attempts to avoid conflict had created huge conflicts both within the team and in their interactions with other groups.

Harry started succeeding when he started acting according to his answers to a series of questions:

Harry realized that behavioral and performance standards are more important than being liked by the wrong people for the wrong reasons.  Harry could set standards and communicate in an honest and decent way.  People who performed well and acted professionally liked him for the atmosphere he helped create and for the success they enjoyed.  Being disliked by other people was fine.

By the way, these lists can be useful in your personal life, too.

The best way to learn how to manage an efficient and effective team, is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and organizational consulting.

Design and implement an effective plan that eliminates the high cost of low attitudes.  To get the help you need, call Ben at 1-877-828-5543.

Sneaky bullies call you a bully

When you resist sneaky, manipulative, covert bullies they not only use guilt-trips, they’ll often try to manipulate you by calling your resistance bullying.  They don’t want you standing up for yourself and your standards.  They want you to back down.  They don’t want consequences for their bullying.

Whenever you hear spouses, partners, friends or co-workers do this, remind yourself that a bully is trying to get you to stop.  Toxic parents, teenagers and adult children are masters of this approach.

Smile when you realize they just reminded you what you need to do.  Trust your gut, your accurate intuition, your estimation of the situation and the pattern.

Give them one chance to break the vicious cycle.  Don’t debate or argue; you already know you’ll never win.  Don’t seek their understanding, agreement or permission to apply consequences.  They might be good for a day or a week but then they’ll go back to harassing, belittling and abusing you.  Simply say that you’ll act on what you think; not what they think.

If you’re as nasty as I am, you might say, laughingly, excited and happily, “Thanks for noticing.  I am bullying you to act according to the standards necessary to get on my turf or I won’t let you in my space.”

When they say that they’re just protecting their turf the same way, say, “Good.  You should protect your space from people like me who won’t give in to you.  You should kick me off your turf just like I’m kicking you off mine.”

Then go get a better person to be with.

The best way to stop bullying manipulative, debating, controllers is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and counseling so you can:

1. Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.
2. Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to create the bully-free life your spirit has always hungered for.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert coaching by phone or Skype.

No, your feelings aren't that important in the workplace

You might expect kids or teenagers to think their feelings matter more than anything else.

But by the time you’re an adult, you should know better.  Feelings matter but tasks and relationships usually matter more.

Some simple examples I encountered recently:

To read the rest of this article from the Minneapolis/St. Paul Business Journal, see:
No, your feelings aren’t that important in the workplace

These people think they can act out in any way they want in order to express themselves.  They look and sound like the spoiled brats from “Willie Wonka and the Chocolate Factory.”

I call them “professional victims,” because they’re bullies who gain power and control by acting as if they’ve been wronged or victimized.  Other people cater to them in order to avoid the next explosion or they rush in to make them happy at someone else’s expense.

Some people see this kind of behavior as generational - something a spoiled younger generation does because they were raised to think their feelings are the most important things in the world.  And some might see it as the behavior of technology geeks who don’t have good inter-personal skills.

Not so in the cases I listed.  My examples involve people in their 50s, not their 20s.  They weren’t new in the workplace.  They should have known better.

Of course, feelings can be useful signals about what we like or don’t like.  But it’s a mistake to think we can or should act out in any way they drive us.

Manners have come in for a lot of criticism as outmoded and silly conventions, or as conventions one culture tries to force on another culture.  These are very limited understandings.

Manners and “professional behavior” are a kind of grace.  As Willard Spiegelman points out in his book, “Seven Pleasures,” the good grace of manners is the bedrock of a diverse society.  Grace and manners encourage and require civility.  Without them, we cannot have high standards of professional behavior and we descend into a free-for-all of self-expression.

In a free-for-all atmosphere where anything goes, the first casualties are self-discipline, restraint, tasks - and success.

The best way to learn how to create a civil, polite and results-oriented culture in your workplace, is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and organizational consulting.

Design and implement an effective plan that eliminates the high cost of low attitudes.  To get the help you need, call Ben at 1-877-828-5543.

Guilt-tripped by toxic, adult children

Toxic adult children manipulate, harass, blackmail, bully and abuse their parents in many ways.

One common method is the never ending guilt-trip.  These sneaky bullies still blame their parents for everything they haven’t gotten in life or for everything that’s going wrong for them now.  They give the loud, silent-treatment or blow up and lash out whenever they want.  They blackmail by controlling access to the grandchildren.  They justify their tirades by saying that they won’t repress their feelings any more.

I’ve seen toxic adult children at age 40, 50 and 60 still playing the same old tune, “You owe me and I’m entitled to beat you.”

Well, maybe you weren’t a perfect parent.  Maybe you weren’t as good a parent as you wish you were.  And maybe you were nicer to one child or maybe another child needed more care.

But, the long answer you know you’ve been putting off giving those selfish, spoiled, narcissistic brats is, “Grow up.  You’re an adult.  Be strong and courageous.  Make a wonderful life for yourself.  Let's have a thrilling adult relationship.  If you want anything from me, ask nice.  Use the magic words; stop trying to beat me into submission.”

So say it.  Stop being a whipping boy or girl.  Insist on good behavior in your space.  Your children need consequences in order to have a chance of changing.  They’ll never grow up if they can get away with throwing temper tantrums.

I know it’s hard.  There’s a lot on the line.  But it’s necessary.  Protect your Isle of Song.

The best way to stop bullying by toxic adult children is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and counseling so you can:

1. Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.
2. Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to create the bully-free life your spirit has always hungered for.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert coaching by phone or Skype.

Stop workplace bullies and mobs; don't be a victim

What do you do if your coworkers gang up against you?

If one person dislikes you, you may be able to be able to communicate logically and rationally to build bridges and work through whatever’s bothering them.

But once a gang or mob has started attacking you, a reasonable approach isn’t effective and actually invites more pain.

For example:

To read the rest of this article from the Orlando Business Journal, see:
Stop workplace bullies and mobs; don’t be a victim

Suddenly it became clear. They were plotting to get her. But why? What had she done to them?

Though people who participate in these mobs always have reasons and justifications that blame the target for their bad behavior, those reasons aren’t really what motivate the attacks.

Mobbing is simply a part of human nature.  People gang up on others to exert power or control, or for the thrill of participating in a gang.  Or it can simply be the nastiness of little boys or girls who pull the legs off ants.  Sometimes, people are afraid of resisting and becoming targets also.  We have a natural, human desire to be on the winning team.

You won’t be able to stop a mob by asking them nicely to stop.  Trying to be sweet to a mob is as effective as asking a pack of hyenas to leave you alone because you’re a vegetarian.  Failing to complain verbally and in writing simply encourages them to harass and abuse you more.  They’ll see your sweetness and restraint as weakness and an invitation to pile on more.

Attempts to educate mobs don’t succeed. All the while, targets suffer.  Don’t be a victim.  Learn to push back legally, firmly and effectively.

The best way to learn how to stop bullies, individually or in mobs, is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and organizational consulting.

Design and implement an effective plan that eliminates the high cost of low attitudes.  To get the help you need, call Ben at 1-877-828-5543.