Victim pattern: Another abusive relationship

Bonnie was distraught.  She’d been explaining to her ex once again how much she didn’t like his calling and harassing her, and how much she didn’t like his new girlfriend calling and cursing and abusing her but they didn’t seem to understand.

She’d talked to the police but they all knew she’d never bring herself to get a restraining order.

Even worse, she’d just gotten over having been stalked, bullied and verbally abused by guys from her four previous relationships.  What was wrong with those guys?  When would it ever end?

She thought, “I didn’t do anything so wrong.  I tried to be so nice.  Why did they keep abusing me?  Didn’t they care?”

Bonnie’s values, rules and roles.
Bonnie thought the most important things were her spiritual attitudes.  Above all, she wanted to be compassionate, loving and forgiving.  She knew those guys were good underneath and if she stayed calm enough and showed them the right way of being and gave them enough chances, eventually they’d become sweet, nice and loving.  They’d stop controlling, criticizing, manipulating and bullying her.  They’d even stop hitting her.  If she was better, the domestic violence would end.

Who Bonnie chose and what she allowed?
Bonnie was drawn to hurt and angry guys.  They seemed to her to need the love they never got enough of when they were younger.  She knew in her heart that she could provide that love and compassion.  Then they’d stop being so full of rage.  Then they’d stop being at war with her and the world.

That way of thinking meant that Bonnie would always be a victim: a victim to her false ideas that put her at the mercy of predators.

They did understand she didn’t like what they did.
That’s why they did it.  Of course the fault is theirs.  But they’re hungry wolves.  What did Bonnie expect?  Their reasons, excuses and justifications were more important to them than her pain.  They thought, “She deserved what they did to her.  It was her fault.  She asked for it.”  Also, it made them feel good, powerful and righteous.

Bonnie said it wasn’t her nature to be mean.
And by “mean,” she meant doing anything they didn’t like or would get them in trouble.  If that’s really her nature, then her real problem was not liking the inevitable consequences of that idea.

With that idea of correct behavior, Bonnie would always be abused and eventually be a martyr.  If her nature was to be sweet and kind while she lived with ravenous wolves, then she would get eaten, piece by piece.  The more she allowed them to abuse or eat her, the more they’d expect her to allow them and the more they’d demand.  In fact, her acceptance of abuse only encouraged them to abuse her more.  That’s what hungry wolves do.  They eat the prey that doesn’t get away.

Bonnie never did anything to get rid of her previous bullies.  She simply moved far away and/or they found easier pickings somewhere else.

Bonnie had to access the rest of her true nature.
Actually, a big part of Bonnie’s whole nature is to protect and defend herself, but she’d turned away from that side of herself because she didn’t like it.  She thought the strong, powerful, courageous and determined side of her would lead her to evil.

Only when she incorporated that side as a functioning part of her, did she take effective steps to get rid of her persecutor.  And to make better choices next time.

She finally understood that, for example, if she’d been born 300 years ago in the same place she would have learned how to protect herself from predators – snakes, wolves, mountain lions or whatever other natural dangers there were – or she would have died young.  Also, she would have learned how to avoid being captured and tortured or enslaved by the neighboring tribe/clan her people had been fighting with for years.

She understood that people like her ex-boyfriend had been tormenting, bullying and abusing people like her since the beginning of time.  Her nature had to rally itself to be smart and powerful enough to stop predators.

Predators like her ex understand only power.  Was she going to learn to speak his language or was she going to suffer the consequences while she tried to teach him her language even though he didn’t want to learn?

Bonnie knew her first task was to protect and defend herself and the life she wanted to live.

Of course, there are many complications depending on your situation.  The best way to learn how to take power in your life and to be the person you want to be is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and counseling so you can:

1. Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.
2. Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to create the life your spirit has always hungered for.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert counseling and coaching by phone or Skype.

Guilt: but you can't save some people

When Jane and Joan met there was an instant bonding because of their tremendous guilt. Jane couldn’t save her husband from his self-destruction while Joan couldn’t save her son from his.

No matter how hard they tried, no matter how many good ideas or money they gave, no matter how many sleepless nights and how much of their lives they sacrificed to focus on those men, no matter how they begged and pleaded, no matter how many resources and supporters they brought in, nothing helped in the end.

So now they were wallowing in guilt: if only they’d done more, given more, sacrificed more maybe it would have made the magical difference.

The huge cost of trying to save people from themselves.

1. Jane lost 20 years of her life as someone’s slave while she hoped he’d finally straighten out.  She endured harassment, negativity, control, bullying, abuse and domestic violence.
2. Joan endured years of criticism, yelling, selfishness, arrogance and lack of caring.  She lost her marriage and her other two children, now adults, always felt slighted and didn’t want to be with her.
3. Both had lost the central focus of their lives and didn’t know how to create a new world that might be rich and full and joyous for the second half of their lives.

Of course we try to save people.  When our kids are little we make them hold our hands crossing the street.  But at some point they have to learn to cross it themselves.  And some of them have to learn some lessons the hard way.  We can’t rescue them from the consequences of their own bad choices.

You can lead a horse to water but you can’t make him drink.
Until people start taking consistent, determined action, all the help you throw at them will be rejected.  Only after people show they can overcome hurtles and stay dedicated, can your help, resources and guidance be useful.

Guilt is motivation to do better.
But not necessarily to give more.  Maybe it’s trying to get you to let go of rescuing an adult who eats your flesh and to start taking care of yourself.  The question for both Jane and Joan is: what fills your spirit’s tank?  And how will getting past the guilt help them create new worlds for the rest of their lives.

Of course, there are many complications depending on your situation.  The best way to learn how to take power in your life and to be the person you want to be is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and counseling so you can:

1. Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.
2. Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to create the life your spirit has always hungered for.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert counseling and coaching by phone or Skype.

Toxic, controlling parents: Old cultures

Some toxic, controlling parents would rather ruin their children’s lives than see them succeed when the children disobey them.

Jay’s father and older brother were old school in their country’s culture.  They represented a view of family in which the father and older siblings were expected to run the younger one’s lives and in which the younger ones must follow their orders – or else.

Jay, at 27, was physically and mentally very capable.  He was qualified to get a job in hi-tech and desperately wanted one.  With his own money, he could move out of the family compound and make his own life.  He could individually chose friends, activities and wife.

Jay reasoned and argued with them for years, but they would never allow him to make his own decisions.  And if he tried, they would ruin him.  If he got a job on his own, they had enough influence in their city to get him fired.  If he disobeyed, he would bring shame to the whole family and break his mother’s heart.  He should feel guilty at the thought of disobeying his father’s commands.  Also, they knew what was best.  He would obey them or else.  

They would not allow him to have any money of his own.  A few times a month, they gave him a little money, but never enough for him to save.

They bullied, abused and controlled his every movement.  If he wanted to go anywhere, he had to tell them where and for how long he’d be gone.  And they checked on him.  He was not allowed to change his plan without their permission.  If he tried to escape, they called the police and had him arrested and brought home.

What could Jay do?

1. Ultimately, Jay had to give in and be a slave to their view of what he should do or he had to fight to the death to get free.  He had to have enough strength, courage and determination to escape slavery or die trying.  He had to accept the possibility that they’d capture him and bring him back.  But he had to keep trying.
2. Jay had to become clever and sneaky.  He had to plan in secret to get a job far away and make a run for it.
3. Jay expected them to pursue him.  It took a number of steps, but he finally found work in a city and then later in a country where they couldn’t use their influence to destroy his life.
4. Jay took the risk.  He was gambling with his future: flee from slavery and risk that he couldn’t make it on his own, without friends or family or their direction.  But the certainty was on the other path: stay controlled and be fed like a pet or a slave the rest of his life; not have a life of his own.

Jay represents hundreds of thousands of people who want a new culture: A culture in which they choose individually what they want and risk themselves trying to make it happen.  Like Jay, they want the freedom to fulfill their own individual destinies or die trying.  And they’re being fought by the old culture that wants to control their lives as long as they live.

As difficult as it was for Jay, it will be much more difficult for his sister.  Her father and older brother will see that she doesn’t get an education so she can’t support herself physically or financially.  She’ll be even more helpless.  Then they’ll choose her husband.

Of course, there are many complications depending on your situation.  The best way to learn how to take power in your life and to be the person you want to be is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and counseling so you can:

1. Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.
2. Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to create the life your spirit has always hungered for.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert counseling and coaching by phone or Skype.

Toxic teenagers: Who pleases who in the family

Jane’s 16 year-old son was clear: “I’ll do what I want, I don’t care about you, if you don’t like it you can’t do anything about it, I’m in charge of myself, I have rights so shut up.”  Actually, he blamed all his problems on her, cursed her more and then shoved her against the wall.”

Jane loved him and up until age 12 he was nicer to her much of the time.  But now he’d turned nasty and dared her to try to stop him.  He was bigger and stronger.  Mostly, he was angrier and hateful.  She didn’t know how to educate him or give him enough of what he wanted so he’d be nice to her.  His behavior was unacceptable.

She did notice that he was capable of controlling himself and even sucking up to people who had power in his life: teachers, rich grandparents, police.

This article is for parents like Jane who have given their children every consideration and advantage, who have given their children what they wanted, who have shown their children kindness and consideration.  This is for good, forgiving, understanding parents who gave their children too many chances

Jane had given her son all the power:

1. He was willing to go to any extreme to get what he wanted.  He didn’t think she’d be willing to do what it would take to stop him.
2. Jane was limited by her kindness, forgiveness and fear.  She didn’t want to ruin his life by calling the police or having him held for a psychiatric evaluation.

Jane realized she had two choices:

1. Give in for three years until he agreed to leave home to go to college or get a job.
2. Go up the staircase of firmness until he showed he what would stop him.

Jane finally realized:

1. The most likely possibility would be his living for free, leaching off her for years and beating her into submission.  It was domestic violence, only worse because it was a battering son not a battering husband.
2. She didn’t want to show him he could be brutal, selfish and narcissistic, bullying and abusive to her or any other woman.

She developed strength, courage and determination; he’d change his behavior or she’d get him out of her house and life.

1. She told him that now he was 16, only performance counted; not potential or promises.
2. She told him that the way he could earn privileges, like having his feelings and wishes counted, was by making good choices and showing good behavior.  As long as he was negative, hostile, angry, bullying and abusive, she’d think of him as a child throwing temper tantrums or having hissy fits.  She’d know she’d have to make every decision for him.  He’d get no privacy nor a vote on anything.
3. She told him that since he never accepted a code of caring and kindness to her, since the only thing he listened to was power, she’d use power.
4. When he ranted and raved at her and said she’d ruined his life, she said, “What have you done with the gifts you’ve been given?  How have you proven you’re worthy of respect or treats?  What have you done to deserve being listened to?”
5. She told him that it was a choice.  He could take charge of himself or sink to his lowest and most selfish.  But she knew he could do better.  There was nothing wrong with him.

Her repeated refrain became, “Make good choices.”

Of course, he didn’t believe she’d follow through, so he rebelled and treated her worse.  Then she called the police and social services.  She said, “I can lead you to water but I can’t make you drink.  However, I can protect my life from a predator and if that ruins your life and future, so be it.”  The calmer and stronger she got, the more he became convinced he’d have to behave or else.

Of course, there are many complications depending on your situation.  The best way to learn how to take power in your life and to be the person you want to be is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and counseling so you can:
1. Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.
2. Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to create the life your spirit has always hungered for.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert counseling and coaching by phone or Skype.

A toxic, controlling,"crazy" person in the family

Jack’s sister brought a toxic, controlling, “crazy” person into the family – her new husband.

I’m using the term “crazy” loosely because we use it to describe someone who has to have his own way all the time, who had to be the center of loving attention all the time, who controlled her and wanted to control everyone else.

If his sister’s husband didn’t get what he wanted, he threw temper tantrums in public.  He yelled, cursed, threatened and then stormed off.  He’s hyper-sensitive; if he got his feelings hurt, he blamed everyone else and he exploded.  He’d done that all his life.  He controlled his birth family and he was trying to take over Jack’s.

Of course, many of us are born into families that already have such tyrants in them.  Even harder to detect are the manipulative, sneaky controllers.

These people are spoiled brats whose only approach is to try to beat the world into submission to get what they want…immediately.  Think Veruka Salt from “Willie Wonka.”

Most people don’t want to confront these people so they use some of the “Nine Tactics that Don’t Stop Bullies.”  For example, in Jack’s family:

1. They minimized, excused, explained and tried to overlook the behavior.  They pretended it wasn’t so bad and that he had some reasons for being so rude, abusive and bullying.  “Don’t make a big deal out of it; ignore it; it’s your sister’s husband; he’s family now.”  
2. They begged and bribed him to be nice.  Which, of course, let him know that he had power, and encouraged him to try to get more or he’d be upset.
3. They turned on everyone else to negotiate, be understanding, compromise and make apologies in hopes that they could buy a little bit of civil, polite behavior.  “He’s never going to change so we have to give in for the sake of ‘family’ and to protect your sister.”  But, of course, he never had to be understanding, compromise or apologize.
4. They refused to admit that such craziness could exist; “certainly not in our family.”  Therefore, if her husband was angry, it was Jack’s fault and he’d better smooth things over.  Deep down, the rest of the family knew his sister’s husband wouldn’t change and they were afraid of breaking up their image of family.  They’d give in because they’d never make a scene in public.

Ultimately Jack’s sister must decide to confront and stop the behavior.  When she does, Jack can support her.  But until she did, any time Jack tried to reach out to her, she rejected it.  She blamed Jack; it was his fault her husband was upset.

Jack saw that people like his sister’s husband are like an infectious disease that would destroy the whole family if it wasn’t checked – think Ebola, HIV, plague.  There is no co-existence with such poisons.  They must be quarantined and destroyed.

Jack wouldn’t accept such verbal beatings and guilt-trips.  He wanted to protect himself, his wife and his children from such manipulation, control and verbal beatings.  He wanted his children to see that bullying, temper tantrums and hissy-fits are not good ways of acting or successful ways to get what they wanted.  So he wouldn’t back down.  He spoke calmly and openly about such childish behavior.  He would not expose himself or his family to that bullying.  He became the protector and defender of his own kingdom.

It wasn’t easy but Jack’s stubbornness and unwillingness to debate or back down changed the whole family dynamic.

Of course, there are many complications depending on your situation.  The best way to learn how to take power in your life and to be the person you want to be is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and counseling so you can:

1. Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.
2. Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to create the life your spirit has always hungered for.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert counseling and coaching by phone or Skype.

Selfish, bullying teenagers in charge

Jane’s 16 year-old son had the power in their home.

He did whatever he wanted at the moment; he never cleaned his room, did his laundry, washed dishes or picked his stuff up from the living room.  After Jane allowed him to get away with that and more, he started telling her he hated her cooking, especially when she made a lot of effort, she was a rotten mother and she’d caused all the problems he had.  Then he broke her favorite lamps and vase, and kicked a hole in one of the walls.  Then he shoved her and slapped her.

Jane and her husband had never done anything particularly bad to their son.  In fact they’d given him everything he’d wanted.  He’d been a wonderful child, except for occasional tantrums until he’d become 15.

Jane didn’t know what to do, but she’d never allow her husband to discipline their son.

Jane wailed, “Is it too much to ask him to be nice once in a while?”

That was Jane’s problem.  She limited herself to begging their son to be nice to her.  There were never any consequences for her son’s tantrums, bullying, abuse or violence.

Why did her son treat her that way?  Every situation in unique but there are some typical reasons:

1. Jane and her husband had abused their son and his present behavior was payback.  Or Jane had not protected him from trauma when he was younger and he was now paying her back.  This was not the case.
2. Something was mentally or psychologically wrong with their son – sociopath or psychopath?  This was probably not the case since he could be charming in public and was a model student, academically and behaviorally.
3. He knew he could get away with doing anything he wanted so he vented his worst feelings on Jane.  He was too lazy and uncaring to make himself be better.

Why didn’t Jane stop their son?  Why didn’t her husband stop their son despite Jane’s commands forbidding him?  Again, every situation is unique but there are some typical possibilities:

1. Jane didn’t want to go to lengths she thought were extreme, like calling the police when damaged the furniture or he hit her.
2. Jane didn’t want to ruin their son’s future by giving him a psychological or a police record.
3. Jane was afraid if she did anything strong to stop their son, he’d run away and ruin his life.
4. Jane hoped that, magically, one day her son would wake up and be the wonderful person she’d hoped he would be.  She believed that if she gave him enough or loved him unconditionally and completely, her son would become a wonderful person.
5. Jane’s parents had either ignored and deprived her, or punished and abused her, and she’d decided to be a totally caring, giving and forgiving parent.
6. Jane’s husband loved her and didn’t want to risk being the focus of her wrath.  He figured he’d endure for a few years more until the boy left home and then he’d be rid of him.

What can Jane and her husband do?  Again, every situation is unique but there are some typical possibilities:

1. Jane can continue giving in to the selfish, entitled monster she encouraged and enabled.  I’ve never seen this approach change these horrible teenagers.
2. Jane can start applying consequences.  Her approach was that their son had to please them in order to get anything he wanted or to avoid the police.  Any nastiness or violence would have strict consequences.  If their son escalated, they’d call the police.  And they would be thrilled at being in charge again.  They were challenging their son to develop self-control and self-discipline, to take charge of his behavior or to fail.  If he ran away, he could blame them but they wouldn’t feel guilty or ashamed.  They’d be heartbroken because he was a failure but they’d have a wonderful time together.  This is the only approach I’ve ever seen work.  And it did with Jane’s son.

Basically, Jane put burden of proof on their son.  She kept asking him, “What have you produced, earned, deserved?  What have you done with the gifts that have been given you?”  And she kept encouraging him by telling him he was too old to continue being a narcissistic, spoiled brat and she was sure he could take charge of himself.  .

Of course, there are many complications depending on your situation.  The best way to learn how to take power in your life and to be the person you want to be is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and counseling so you can:
1. Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.
2. Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to create the life your spirit has always hungered for.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert counseling and coaching by phone or Skype.

Surviving childhood trauma; making a better life

Bob had a horrible childhood.  His parents were brutal, rage-filled alcoholics.  Nothing Bob ever did was good enough; he could never please them.  They bullied, manipulated and abused him and his siblings mentally, emotionally and physically.  They were negative and critical.  His older siblings did the same to him.

Bob struggled and fought against his tormentors and he succeeded.  He grew up, got a job, left home and cursed them all with his parting breath.  But Bob carried them in him the rest of his life.  He became negative, sarcastic and critical.  He enjoyed being righteous and full of rage.  His tirades could go on all day.  He hated, scorned and abandoned his children and grandchildren.  His third wife couldn’t remember a time he was happy for more than thirty minutes.  He acted just like his parents.

Laurie also had a traumatic childhood.  She was raped and beaten by a stranger when she was tiny and had many physical consequences.  She didn’t remember what had happened but she grew up feeling different; damaged, unworthy and sinful, as if God was tormenting her throughout life for some reason she never knew.  But she knew it must be because she was bad or defective.  She felt guilty and ashamed.  She knew there was something wrong with her and she hated herself.

In middle age both Bob and Laurie were confronted with a difficult choice: Continue succeeding in life as they had been or start growing in a different direction.

Bob’s third wife said she couldn’t stand him anymore; she was leaving.  Bob knew he was right; she wasn’t good enough, just like the other two.  He was acting just like he’d learned when he grew up and it had make him successful.  She could take it or leave it.  He didn’t care.

Laurie, on the other hand, knew she wasn’t worthy when her boss promoted her and when a friend proposed to her.  She was going to say “No” to both offers.  She knew that if she allowed herself to be happy, she’d soon be exposed as defective and disaster would follow.

But something inside Laurie kept nagging at her.  At first it was the questions: “What am I here for?  What’s my place in the world?”  Then the questions became: “What place do I want to make for myself?  How do I want to live every day that would be wonderful?”

Laurie decided to answer those incessant questions by turning away from her old path of fear, self-doubt and self-loathing.  Instead, she set off on a path outward; away from a focus on herself and toward whatever seem wonderful, joyous and full of promise.

At first, she had to struggle against old beliefs, fears, rules and roles but she succeeded; she blossomed – but that’s another story.

Of course, there are many complications depending on your situation.  The best way to learn how to take power in your life and to be the person you want to be is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and counseling so you can:

1. Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.
2. Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to create the life your spirit has always hungered for.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert counseling and coaching by phone or Skype.

Loss, death, grief, depression and recovery

Jane retired from a long-term career and her last parent died at approximately the same time.  Her whole world became different.  Even though she’d prepared a long time for both events, she felt disoriented and alone; she didn’t know who she was any more.

We often feel the same bewilderment and grief when dreams are destroyed: we realize we married the wrong person, we finally divorce a bullying husband or wife, our children move far away, one of our children hates us, death of a child, a best friend turns hateful, we leave the culture we grew up in and make new rules and roles for our new family’s life.

Jane had family and friends but nothing altered the disorientation and emptiness she felt.  And it wouldn’t go away.

Of course these big life changes are disorientating and, of course, we feel loss, grief, depression, anxiety and disorientation.  And sometimes, guilt.  We need time before we can create another life for ourselves because that’s exactly what is happening – the creation of a new life in a new world.

Think of it this way: we live in a mental and emotional solar system as a planet revolving around the gravitational field of the sun we’ve put in the center of that system.  When we’re young we usually put our parents in that gravitational center – for better or for worse.  As we grow older we revolve around husbands, wives, children, careers and, especially, dreams of how things will be.

And when the sun is removed from the center of our solar system, even if by our own choice, we are cast adrift.  We wander in typical ways until we create a new solar system, with strong gravitational forces that keep us in a new orbit.

Notice the difference between the goal and the many possible processes and paths we use to get there.  The goal is a new life, a new solar system, a new sun around which we and our lives will revolve.  If there’s no compelling center in our solar system, no strong gravitational force, we can fly off in any direction and get lost in outer (or inner) space.

There are as many processes as there are people – some shorter and some longer than others, some easier and some harder.

A suggestion for the goal: put at the center of your solar system a wonderful future with you as the person you want to be.  Now that you’re an adult, you have the opportunity to use all the wisdom you’ve gathered all these years.  You probably have the scars to prove it.

Think:

1. How to you want to feel every day, every moment – wonder, awe, joy; alive?  Make that a goal to attract and lure you.
2. What do you want to think about (and what don’t you want to waste your time on)?  Make that a goal to attract and lure you.
3. What do you want to do?  Make that a goal to attract and lure you.

It’s simple and clear.  Just not easy.

Of course, there are many complications depending on your situation.  The best way to learn how to take power in your life and to be the person you want to be now is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and counseling so you can:

1. Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.
2. Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to create the life your spirit has always hungered for.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert counseling and coaching by phone or Skype.

Take power: Bullying husbands won't empower you

Alice kept trying to get her negative, critical, bullying, abusive husband to empower her.  She wanted him to admit that she was logical, reasonable and had good ideas.  She wanted him to listen to her feelings.  But that’s never going to happen.

He wouldn’t give her the victory.
He would always argue better than she could.  He’d rant forever about the smallest things.  He seemed to love being angry.  He always found examples of when she was too stupid or wrong or bad.  He was routinely critical, sarcastic and demeaning.  He claimed that since she wasn’t perfect, she couldn’t criticize what he said or did.

Even when he might admit she was right (once a year, if she was lucky) he muttered it under his breath and never changed his behavior.

Alice understood his psychology but that didn’t help her.
Alice knew that his parents were alcoholic and physically, mentally and emotionally abusive to him and his siblings.  He had to fight to survive.  She thought that upbringing had caused him to be the way he was.

She was wrong.  Those situations weren’t causes; those were just horrible situations.  He chose those responses in order to survive; in order to fight for a place for himself.  And he chose to perpetuate those choices even now, although he was an adult, not a helpless kid, and even though Alice was never creating similar situations.  He chose to continue those behaviors because they made him feel righteous and powerful and he usually won.

Alice learned that there were many people who’d grown up in much worse circumstances but who’d chosen to become wonderful spouses and parents.

Alice could never prove herself to him or love him enough to get him to change.
Sometimes he’d begrudgingly say that he was trying to be kinder or sweeter so she should get off his back.  But his good behavior never lasted more than a few minutes.  Alice could never fill his bucket with love, compassion and kindness because his bucket had no bottom.

Alice finally took power over her own actions; she stopped waiting for him to empower her.
Finally, something snapped in Alice.  She’d had enough.  She was done.  She simply gave up trying to rescue him from himself.  She had to take care of her own life and future.  She also had to set a good examples for her children.

If he was more in love with his own inner war and with his fights against her and the world than he was in love with treating her politely, civilly and lovingly, he’d have to find a different dog to kick.

She told him the behavior she expected and demanded, or he’d be out of her personal space.  She stopped considering whether he liked it, approved of it or argued that it wasn’t fair.  She stopped waiting for him to empower her.  He did not get to vote on the behavior necessary to be near her.  He only got to vote on whether he would behave in the necessary way.

She finally said that she didn’t care about his reasons, excuses or justifications for his rotten treatment of her.  She didn’t care how hard he said he was trying, only results counted.  She started quoting Yoda from Star Wars, “There is no try, Luke, only do or not do.”

Alice took power over her own actions; she stopped waiting for him to decide she deserved to be empowered.  She stopped waiting for him the grant her the right to have power.  She stopped feeling guilty.  And she determined to resist his fighting back against her.  She could fight strength in lawyers, coaches and friends.

The same applies with friends, family and at work.

Of course, there are many complications depending on your situation.  The best way to learn how to take power in your life and to be the person you want to be now is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and counseling so you can:

1. Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.
2. Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to create the life your spirit has always hungered for.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert counseling and coaching by phone or Skype.

Self-Bullying with old rules/roles

Agnes felt miserable.  She tried to do what was right but she often saw herself stepping forward, accepting praise for jobs well-done and even feeling glad when people gave her credit.  And she resented other people when they took credit for her ideas and efforts.

Agnes was tormented because she didn’t follow the old rules and roles her parents had drummed into her.  She kept apologizing and putting herself down because she wasn’t perfect.  She’d been taught, “Don’t take credit, don’t be proud, don’t be pleased when you get credit, don’t criticize or judge other people, do good and eventually others will appreciate you, a good girl holds back quietly, pride goeth before the fall.”

We know the extremes those rules and roles are warning us about; being arrogant, proud, obnoxious, greedy, pushy or demanding, and seeking praise and power.  But those warnings are about the extremes.

Agnes wasn’t anywhere near that extreme.  But she bullied herself constantly for fear of taking even the slightest step in that direction.  She beat herself at the other end of the spectrum.

She criticized and bullied herself with false humility and modesty.  She constantly apologized for herself.  She lied when she told people she was incompetent and not bright.  And she was secretly livid when other people in her extended family and at work didn’t value her, took credit for her ideas and efforts and ignored her.  Her voice didn’t count.

Agnes was at war with herself – between what she’d learned from experience and believed now, and what she’d been taught long ago.

Midlife was the age and stage appropriate time for her to take stock and change her old rules and the roles they forced on her.

Agnes decided to guide her life by new ideas that she accepted now, as an adult, with all the wisdom and experience she’d gained.

1. She’d accept the truths she could discern about people and situations.  She wouldn’t pretend or lie that some people were all good or nice.  She wouldn’t pretend she didn’t know anything or couldn’t judge wisely.
2. She’d examine every rule and role she had in order to ask where and when it might be useful and, especially, not useful or effective.  Children accept rules as black-or-white, all-or-none.  But adults have more experience and wisdom.  We can see the gray areas in life.  We can accept that there is often no one-right-way of doing many things.
3. She wouldn’t hold back and pretend she hadn’t thought of or done something she had.  Holding back only created a vacuum around ideas, credit and power which became a great temptation for other people.  That vacuum tempted some people to take credit that wasn’t theirs.  That vacuum also attracted the most nasty, controlling and vicious people to try to take credit and power.
4. She’d speak up, as a wise older woman, to become the guardian of the best standards for the whole of her family and the benefit of her whole company.

This decision and her changing strength and roles caused some problems for her extended family and at work.  But most people adjusted to the new Agnes.  While a few resented her, more wanted to be her friend and ally because she was now straightforward and honest.

Of course, there are many complications depending on your situation.  The best way to learn how to get over old, self-bullying rules and roles, and to be the person you want to be now is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and counseling so you can:

1. Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.
2. Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to create the life your spirit has always hungered for.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert counseling and coaching by phone or Skype.

Controlling husbands use "blackmail words"

One of the favorite tactics of controlling husbands is to use “blackmailing words” to get their targets to do what they want.

Actually, controllers use this type of manipulation in all areas of life: controlling wives, toxic parents and toxic adult children, controlling best friends from elementary school to adulthood, controlling co-workers, bosses and even supervisees.  And great sales people.

Jane had tried to be a good and considerate wife.  She’d worked hard to support and please her husband.  She’d centered her life on his.  But all her efforts had never been enough or just right.

Whenever her husband had disagreed with her or she hadn’t immediately done what he wanted, he’d harass, bully and abuse her with emotionally blackmailing words.  He’d call her, “uncaring, unloving, critical, unsupportive, judgmental, selfish, controlling, manipulative.”  She’d never wanted to be any of those types of people.  How could she resist such charges?

She’d felt ashamed and guilty.  Sometimes she’d just given in and done what he wanted.  Sometimes she’d argued but he’d always find examples of her bad behavior.  And he liked arguing.  She’d always been on the defensive and he’d always won.  She’d became hopeless and helpless.

Jane finally saw how she’d been manipulated by her husband’s bullying.  She saw he’d condemned her no matter what she did.

She merely wanted her voice heard, her vote counted.  She was not a bad person for having her own opinions, for disagreeing with him.  Once she decided she had to follow her own star or her spirit would be manipulated to death, she could plan and act to change her life.  She stopped arguing and created a no-bullying zone – her new life.

Of course, there are many complications depending on your situation; especially whether you have children and money.  The best way to learn how to stop being used, manipulated and bullied is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and counseling so you can:

1. Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.
2. Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to create the life your spirit has always hungered for.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert counseling and coaching by phone or Skype.

Toxic, adult children can hold parents hostage

Jean said, “I’ve lived my life for my children and I always will.”

That sounds like a sweet sentiment and many people in middle age still think it.  But Jean was paying a very heavy price for living it.

First there was the guilt.
After enduring years of emotional and physical criticism, hostility, rage, bullying and abuse, Jean had divorced her husband.  Her son hated her for that and always let her know she’d ruined his life.

Of course, she really hadn’t ruined his life.  She’d offered him an example of what bullies eventually get and she’d shown him a lifetime of decent, loving, caring treatment.  She’d sacrificed and worked very hard to pay for his college and also supported him as he got started in life, married, had a son and gotten divorced himself.

Jean had accepted his criticism and blame.  She must be guilty for ruining his life since she hadn’t done what he wanted and he was still angry about it.

Then came the blackmail.
Her son wouldn’t let Jean see her grandson unless she:

1. Gave him everything he wanted at any particular moment (money, sympathy, errands).
2. Endured his negativity, tirades and abuse whenever he felt like dishing them out.
3. Begged for his forgiveness the rest of his life.

He was clear; she’d never be able to do enough; she’d pay in any way he wanted for as long as he wanted.  She could see he was like an empty bucket with holes all through it.  No matter how much love, guilt, money she poured into it, she’d never be able to fill it.  And it was all her fault.

He was toxic, just like his father.

Jean couldn’t see how to set any boundaries without losing the connection to her grandson.  She was hostage once more to an angry, bullying person.

What’s missing for Jean is a wonderful, exciting life.
As long as Jean centers her life on making amends to her son and bribing him to let her see her grandson, she’s trapped.  As long as her only joy is her grandson, she’s held hostage.

Only after Jean expanded her vision and awaken once again to all the wonderful experiences she could have in her life, only after Jean removed from the center of her solar system the idea that her life depended on pleasing her son, only after she put her future joy in the center of her solar system could she set the necessary boundaries with her son.

Then she could give herself the gift of a wonderful life with the true family of her heart, mind and Spirit.  And get the opportunity to see her grandson.

Of course, there are many complications depending on your situation; especially how hateful and toxic your children are.  The best way to learn how to stop being used, manipulated and bullied is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and counseling so you can:

1. Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.
2. Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to create the life your spirit has always hungered for.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert coaching by phone or Skype.

Kindle Book - "Parenting Bully-Proof Kids: How to Stop School Bullies," 2nd edition

“Parenting Bully-Proof Kids: How to Stop School Bullies,” 2nd edition, is finally published as a Kindle Edition.  It’s a companion book to “How to Stop Bullies in Their Tracks” – 2nd edition

You can find it at: http://www.amazon.com/dp/B00VDF8JA4

These books and some counseling and coaching will show you how to guide your children and teenagers to live a bully-free life. Six case studies will teach you how to help them deal with:

• Taunting, teasing and fighting.
• A venomous Queen Bee.
• A manipulative control-freak who pretends to be a friend.
• Emotional blackmail.
• School administrators (do-nothing principals)
• The most important decision for teenagers.
• Self-bullying.

Your children and teens need your guidance in order to learn how to succeed in the real world. Of course, we want all schools to prevent bullying. But that’s not going to happen soon enough for us. Your children and teens will face:

• Physical violence, verbal abuse and emotional intimidation.
• Anger, hate, harassment and hazing.
• Name-calling, putdowns, two-faced friends, condescending and scornful cliques, and ostracism.
• Peer pressure and destructive media influences.
• Cyber-bullies.

Before your children can learn anti-bullying skills and be effective in stopping bullies, they need to develop the internal courage, strength, determination and endurance to succeed. You can learn how to:

• Recognize the signs that your children are being bullied physically, mentally and emotionally, face-to-face or online. Get your children to tell you the truth even when they don’t want to. And when your children desperately need your help even though they may not want it.
• Use peaceful methods (understanding, tolerating, logic, reasoning, forgiveness) as wonderful first steps. Sometimes they stop mild bullying. But your children and teens will need firmer, stronger methods to stop relentless, determined bullies. Recognize when you should intervene or when you should guide your children to stop bullies by themselves.
• Get evidence that will strengthen your case, even if school administrators don’t want to help. Don’t let do-nothing principals turn your children into victims.
• Help your children develop the strength, courage, will and determination they need to face a world that’s vastly different from the one you grew up in. Become a parent who can help your children be strong and self-disciplined enough so bullies won’t attack them.
• Help your children resist feelings of isolation and helplessness, overcome depression and suicidal thoughts, and increase their confidence and self-esteem. Help them develop a plan and master the skills they need to defend themselves.

School administrators are often reluctant to get involved in protecting targets of bullying. Some even protect the bullies. Lazy, cowardly or incompetent school officials are part of the problem that converts targeted kids into victims and suicides. Don’t let politeness, naivety or ignorance keep you from protecting your children. Rarely is bullying an isolated incident. Usually, bullying is a pervasive pattern because bullies know they have the real power and immunity at school.

Good parenting also requires you to teach your children how to succeed in the adult world at work and in their adult relationships with husbands, wives, partners, brothers, sisters, relatives, friends and neighbors.

The best way to learn how to parent bully-proof kids is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and counseling so you and your children can:

1. Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.
2. Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to create the bully-free life your spirit has always hungered for.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert coaching by phone or Skype.

Relationships with narcissists and control-freaks

We can be in many different relationships with narcissists and control-freaks – dates, friends, spouses, parents, adult children, young children, bosses, co-workers, teachers, school bullies.  But they’re all the same and they’re all toxic.

The basis of all these relationships is that we must do what they want or we’ll be beaten or manipulated until we serve their wishes and whims.  It’s that simple.

In some of these relationships, we can easily remove or leave the bully to avoid more criticism, negativity and abuse.

However, sometimes, we choose to continue these relationships but it must be:

1. Only one or a few.  If there are more, we’ll get drained, our resistance will diminish and as soon as our soular batteries run low they’ll eat our energy and our flesh.  We’ll get sick physically, emotionally and spiritually.
2. Under our terms, not theirs.  Even the most cheerful of spirits will dry up and shrivel under their constant attacks.

Many people waste time trying to psychoanalyze the narcissistic control-freaks they face.  
But only a few moments thought will tell you the top five reasons narcissistic control-freaks have for starting and continuing their behavior patterns.  And, if you think in terms of cause-effect histories, only a few moments inquiry will be necessary to satisfy your mind about the situations in which they magnified their natural instinct for self-focus and decided they needed to control everything.

But so what?  The purpose of analysis is to help find a solution.  However, you’ve already discovered that you can never give them enough self-confidence and self-esteem so they’ll accept not getting what they want, compromise more and they’ll let other people have their own ways of doing things.

Trying to be loving and perfect enough hasn’t worked and never will.  You can’t rescue, therapeutize or heal them.  Stop meddling.  That’s not your responsibility.

Your responsibility is to create a wonderful, joyous, bully-free life; to create an isle of song in a sea of shouts (Rabindranath Tagore).

I haven’t seen narcissistic control-freaks change their personalities and behavior, but I have seen them change their targets.  The only way I’ve seen them change their behavior toward you is when:

1. You get rid of them so you’re no longer a target.
2. The consequences of abusing you are so great that they turn their attention to controlling other people.  In order to do that, they must want the relationship you want more than they insist on relating only the way they want.

In fact, their willingness to change behavior is a test of how much they want a wonderful, loving relationship the way you want.  If they only want it their way, get them gone.

Of course, there are many complications depending on your situation, especially having children.  The best way to learn how to stop being used, manipulated and bullied is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and counseling so you can:

1. Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.
2. Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to create the life your spirit has always hungered for.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert coaching by phone or Skype.

Bullying husband? Saving the marriage is up to him

Jill wanted to save her marriage.

Her husband, Charlie, was narcissistic and relentlessly negative and critical of her.  He bullied and abused her.  He always knew what was right and when she didn’t obey him, he blew up.  He hadn’t hit her yet but she was afraid his angry tirades would escalate into physical violence.  The situation sounded just like what he’d told her had happened in his first marriage.

She thought that since the only thing she could change was herself, she’d change to fit what Charlie wanted.  She was sure when Charlie got what he wanted he’d finally like her as he had when they’d first met.

But no matter how much she changed, it was never enough.  Charlie was never pleased.  So she decided to change even more in order to save the marriage.  However, there were points beyond which she could never go.  Her spirit rebelled more and more, and she even started to dislike Charlie.

When she called me, her question was still, “How can I save the marriage?”

After a while she saw that the more she accepted the total responsibility for changing to please Charlie, the more she disliked him.  The conflict between the two sides of her was depressing her.

Jill’s breakthrough came when she saw that:

1. She didn’t want to save the marriage as it was.  She wanted to save a better marriage that was exciting and fulfilling to her.  It was a marriage with people treating each other the way Charlie had when they first met.
2. Charlie also had to want to save the marriage that she dreamed about.  But it seemed that he only wanted to save the marriage in which she was his perfect servant.

All she could really do was to act in the way her spirit would be thrilled, hold out a vision of the wonderful marriage she wanted and give Charlie an opportunity to change to fit that vision.

She could do her part but it was up to Charlie to do his part to save the wonderful marriage she hoped for.  She couldn’t save that marriage all by herself.  Charlie had to want to save it just as much as she did.

Of course, there are many complications depending on your situation.  The best way to learn how to stop being used, manipulated and bullied is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and counseling so you can:

1. Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.
2. Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to create the life your spirit has always hungered for.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert coaching by phone or Skype.

Stop Toxic boundary-pushers

Toxic boundary-pushers come in all shapes and sizes - husbands, wives, parents, adult children, friends, dates, co-workers.

Some are open in trying to beat you into submission.  Others are sneaky and manipulative.  Typical tactics include:

• They’re narcissistic; only their wants and reasons (excuses, justifications) matter.  You count only to give them what they want at the moment.  They change their demands and reasons anytime they feel like it.
• They want you to argue with their reasons because they’ll never concede a point or agree with you.  You’ll never get their understanding or permission to do anything different from what they want.  You’ll be trapped arguing until you give in.
• They’ll use emotional blackmailing words like “You’re uncaring, selfish, demanding, disagreeable, not nice, too proud or stubborn.”
• They always know best; they’re right and righteous.  They’re bullies who mastered their techniques and methods.
• Sometimes they’ll be sweet but your experience tells you that they want you to relax before they push the next boundary or make the next demand.
• When you try to make peace through negotiation, you’re the only one who gives anything.  Then they start pushing the boundaries you agreed upon in order to start a new round of negativity and harassment until you concede some more.
• You know you’re facing one when you feel pushed, controlled and abused.  Your vote never counts when it goes against theirs.

Appeasement and bribery never succeed because they always want more.  You know that from your own experience.

You can’t stop them by being nice and reasonable.  They have totally different meaning for those words.  To them “nice” and “reasonable” mean you do what they want.

They only way I’ve ever seen to have a chance is to be firm about what you will and won’t do.

• You can learn to be calm and smiling and firm at the same time.
• Never try to justify yourself.  They will win if you debate or argue.  Just keep repeating your original declaration until you feel like walking away.
• Then walk (or hang up or send them away).  Threats without consequences are bribery.  Simply apply the consequences with a smile.

Enjoy taking back control of yourself.

Remember, you’ll be condemned whatever you do or don’t do so do what you want with joy.  They don’t get to vote

Don’t believe them they try to convince you that you’re helpless and resistance is futile.

Of course, there are many complications depending on your situation.  The best way to learn how to stop being used, manipulated and bullied is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and counseling so you can:

1. Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.
2. Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to create the life your spirit has always hungered for.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert coaching by phone or Skype.

Stop enabling narcissistic adult children

Narcissistic adult children demand you do what they want, try to control you, push every boundary, throw temper tantrums, blackmail you by withholding their love or your grandchildren, try to bribe you with sweetness and affection when they want something, and blame their behavior on you.

Every time you give them what they want, they demand something else.  They say your job is to make them happy.  They try to stimulate your guilt and shame for every sin they say you committed when they were kids.

What a nasty and unending list.  If you were an average parent or better (you didn’t need to be perfect according to them), don’t accept blame and guilt.  You don’t deserve to be used and abused.  You don’t owe them anything anymore.  Probably, your only big mistake was giving in to them too much, hoping they’d wake up one day straightened out and loving like they were when they were infants.  Don’t hold your breath waiting for that miracle.

Selfish, narcissistic, manipulative bullies misinterpret your kindness and compassion as weakness and an invitation to demand more.  They think they’re entitled to whatever they want.  They always have reasons, excuses and justifications for being obnoxious.  They claim their problems and rotten lives are all your fault.  Their justifications will last forever.

I’ve never seen parents be able to purchase respect and civility from these narcissistic adult children.  There’s no hope down that path.  Stop meddling and enabling them.  These adult children will remain predators as long as you feed them.

The only path with hope is to stop giving them anything, to demand civil behavior or to cut off contact.  Don’t debate or argue about who’s right.  Tell them you know they’re strong enough to make wonderful lives for themselves.  Be full of joy when you protect yourself and your futurebecause, really, you are taking your life back.  Now you can enjoy the rest of your life.  You can surround yourself with people who respect and admire you, with people who are fun to be with.

Of course it’s hard and there are usually many complications.  But if you continue to feed to them while they rip your heart out, you’ll be bled dry.  Your life will shrivel up like a prune.

If your children are still kids, you have a chance to stop the patterns now.  With a big smile, teach them that they won’t always get what they want, that they can’t always beat you into submission or bribe you into giving in.  And that there are consequences for throwing temper tantrums.  And they’re not destroyed when they don’t always get everything they want.  And nothing is for free.

The best way to learn how to stop being used, manipulated and bullied is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and counseling so you can:

1. Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.
2. Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to create the life your spirit has always hungered for.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert coaching by phone or Skype.

Narcissistic, controlling parents

Julie grew up feeling like she was living someone else’s life.  She never got to determine how she felt and what she wanted to do.  She always aware that she should please her parents.

She had to do what her parents wanted in order to make them happy.  They yelled or hit her when she wouldn’t.  Or sometimes, they got mean or manipulative, using her shame and guilt to coerce her.  Even when they gave presents, she knew she had to go overboard in appreciating them, and later there would be strings.  They never gave anything without taking something in return or requiring some service of her.

Her parents were demanding and toxic.

When she grew up, she had managed to break away and make her own family, but she was constantly being drawn back into tasks to make her parents happy or to help them when they wanted.  They always had good reasons why she should do what she wanted the way they wanted her to.

When they got older, their requests got more numerous and demanding.  Julie finally realized that they didn’t have physical problems, they only wanted a servant.  And they never reciprocated.  Her feelings and needs simply didn’t matter to them.

When she learned to think of them as narcissistic control-freaks, her world changed.

She could see all the sneaky bullying and manipulation; all the criticism and negativity when she wouldn’t satisfy them immediately.  Actually, they were never satisfied.  As soon as she did something for them, they’d be back with criticism about how little she did or how poorly, and with new requests for more service.

According to them, Julie’s most important task in life was to make them happy.  That was more important than her marriage or her own children.

Notice, there’s no psychoanalysis of her parents.  Reasons and excuses don’t matter.  When Julie focused on their behavior, the whole picture became clear.  And she was able to take control of her own life and started honoring her own boundaries and needs.

I find the same patterns of selfish manipulation in all types of relationships: with spouses, dates, adult children and friends.  And, of course, in the workplace.

The best way to learn how to stop being used, manipulated and bullied is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and counseling so you can:

1. Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.
2. Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to create the life your spirit has always hungered for.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert coaching by phone or Skype.

Negative self-talk, judgment; self-bullying

John saw only his worst sides.  Sometimes he did things to get praised, sometimes because he wanted something back, sometimes for the money; sometimes he yelled at the kids, sometimes he said an unkind thing to his wife; sometimes he made up excuses to avoid odious tasks, sometimes he cut corners on tasks he didn’t really want to do.

Usually he focused on only that side of himself.  Of course, seeing only those examples he judged himself harshly.  His negative self-talk, a little voice behind his right ear, told him he was greedy, worthless, mean, arrogant and obnoxious.  Then he’d give up on himself and any projects he’d planned to do.  But, he thought, at least he was beating himself down before anyone else could.

John’s self-bullying could depress him; he lost confidence, self-esteem and courage.

He suffered bouts of insecurity and anxiety.  He thought he was a fake when people liked him or praised him or promoted him at work.  In the depths of his despair he thought that there was something deep and inherently wrong with him.

This type of self-bullying might have been a good motivation strategy to get John working hard when he was growing up.  His parents had practiced it relentlessly and John had continued it long after he left home and built his own life.  Part of the justification for seeing all his failures was so he wouldn’t get a swelled head and become an arrogant, conceited jerk.  But self-flagellation had begun to extract too great a toll on his life.

When John was able to put the few examples of his “failures” as a human being into the context of all the wonderful things he did, his life took a turn for the better.  His imperfections were really minor.  He was then able to motivate himself by seeing his successes, some coming after hard work and many struggles.  He realized he was capable of learning, improving, making good choices and, especially, of succeeding.

By seeing the whole picture, he could also see that life wasn’t black-and-white.  He didn’t have to be perfect to get into heaven.  He didn’t have to be perfect to be liked, loved and appreciated.

Then he could finally take a deep breath, relax and love other people when the majority of what they did was worth loving.  He began to enjoy the wonderful life he’d created.

The best way to learn how to stop bullying yourself and start being the person you want is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and counseling so you can:

1. Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.
2. Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to create the life your spirit has always hungered for.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert coaching by phone or Skype.

Bullying husband? Take action

Cyndi's husband was a negative, controlling, abusive bully.  He yelled, threatened, never let her spend money and knew that he was right.  He had the power and should be in charge.

Cyndi studied the literature on narcissists, control-freaks and bullies.  She researched her husband’s family history.  When she pointed out his family patterns or tried to argue with him, he got worse.  When she tried to show him he fit the Seven Early Warning signs of bullies, he yelled that she was the bully.  

She hated conflict and confrontation.  She didn’t know what to do.  Nothing she read helped.  Maybe, she thought, someday she’d read something that held the magic key.  She’d say the right thing and her husband’s eyes would open; he’d see what a bully he was and he’d change.

That was Cyndi’s problem.  As long as she read and thought; as long as she learned more and more about why bullies were bullies, she’d remain stuck.
As long as she refused to take action, even though action was the only hope of her having a bully-free personal space, she’d remain a victim to her fears and her need to know everything.

The key that unlocked Cyndi’s power was changing the question.  Instead of, “Why is he a bully?” Cyndi started asking herself, “How do I want to be treated?  What is non-negotiable and what is non-negotiable?”  Instead of arguing about labels (Was he a bully or a control-freak or a narcissist?) Cyndi simply focused of what behavior she wanted in her life and what she wouldn’t live with.

Instead of looking for an easy, comfortable, instantaneous, magical method, Cyndi remember all the things she’d learned simply by doing them over and over, and getting better bit by bit.  Instead of letting her weakness and feelings stop her, Cyndi got determined to do the hard things that made her heart sing, despite the fear.

Action, step-by-step, led Cyndi to freedom and power over her own life.
Cyndi’s actions, intended to create a better living environment for both of them, impressed her husband with the need for him to change if he wanted to stay married to her.

Of course, the same action approach is necessary to stop bullying wives, dates, entitled teenagers, toxic parents, toxic adult children and friends.  Actions speak louder than words.  They’ll only listen to actions.

The best way to learn how to take power in your life and to stop bullying is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and counseling so you can:

1. Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.
2. Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to create the life your spirit has always hungered for.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert coaching by phone or Skype.