Bonnie was distraught. She’d been explaining to her ex once again how much she didn’t like his calling and harassing her, and how much she didn’t like his new girlfriend calling and cursing and abusing her but they didn’t seem to understand.
She’d talked to the police but they all knew she’d never bring herself to get a restraining order.
Even worse, she’d just gotten over having been stalked, bullied and verbally abused by guys from her four previous relationships. What was wrong with those guys? When would it ever end?
She thought, “I didn’t do anything so wrong. I tried to be so nice. Why did they keep abusing me? Didn’t they care?”
Bonnie’s values, rules and roles.
Bonnie thought the most important things were her spiritual attitudes. Above all, she wanted to be compassionate, loving and forgiving. She knew those guys were good underneath and if she stayed calm enough and showed them the right way of being and gave them enough chances, eventually they’d become sweet, nice and loving. They’d stop controlling, criticizing, manipulating and bullying her. They’d even stop hitting her. If she was better, the domestic violence would end.
Who Bonnie chose and what she allowed?
Bonnie was drawn to hurt and angry guys. They seemed to her to need the love they never got enough of when they were younger. She knew in her heart that she could provide that love and compassion. Then they’d stop being so full of rage. Then they’d stop being at war with her and the world.
That way of thinking meant that Bonnie would always be a victim: a victim to her false ideas that put her at the mercy of predators.
They did understand she didn’t like what they did.
That’s why they did it. Of course the fault is theirs. But they’re hungry wolves. What did Bonnie expect? Their reasons, excuses and justifications were more important to them than her pain. They thought, “She deserved what they did to her. It was her fault. She asked for it.” Also, it made them feel good, powerful and righteous.
Bonnie said it wasn’t her nature to be mean.
And by “mean,” she meant doing anything they didn’t like or would get them in trouble. If that’s really her nature, then her real problem was not liking the inevitable consequences of that idea.
With that idea of correct behavior, Bonnie would always be abused and eventually be a martyr. If her nature was to be sweet and kind while she lived with ravenous wolves, then she would get eaten, piece by piece. The more she allowed them to abuse or eat her, the more they’d expect her to allow them and the more they’d demand. In fact, her acceptance of abuse only encouraged them to abuse her more. That’s what hungry wolves do. They eat the prey that doesn’t get away.
Bonnie never did anything to get rid of her previous bullies. She simply moved far away and/or they found easier pickings somewhere else.
Bonnie had to access the rest of her true nature.
Actually, a big part of Bonnie’s whole nature is to protect and defend herself, but she’d turned away from that side of herself because she didn’t like it. She thought the strong, powerful, courageous and determined side of her would lead her to evil.
Only when she incorporated that side as a functioning part of her, did she take effective steps to get rid of her persecutor. And to make better choices next time.
She finally understood that, for example, if she’d been born 300 years ago in the same place she would have learned how to protect herself from predators – snakes, wolves, mountain lions or whatever other natural dangers there were – or she would have died young. Also, she would have learned how to avoid being captured and tortured or enslaved by the neighboring tribe/clan her people had been fighting with for years.
She understood that people like her ex-boyfriend had been tormenting, bullying and abusing people like her since the beginning of time. Her nature had to rally itself to be smart and powerful enough to stop predators.
Predators like her ex understand only power. Was she going to learn to speak his language or was she going to suffer the consequences while she tried to teach him her language even though he didn’t want to learn?
Bonnie knew her first task was to protect and defend herself and the life she wanted to live.
Of course, there are many complications depending on your situation. The best way to learn how to take power in your life and to be the person you want to be is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and counseling so you can:
- Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.
- Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to create the life your spirit has always hungered for.
Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert counseling and coaching by phone or Skype.