Jane retired from a long-term career and her last parent died at approximately the same time.  Her whole world became different.  Even though she’d prepared a long time for both events, she felt disoriented and alone; she didn’t know who she was any more.

We often feel the same bewilderment and grief when dreams are destroyed: we realize we married the wrong person, we finally divorce a bullying husband or wife, our children move far away, one of our children hates us, death of a child, a best friend turns hateful, we leave the culture we grew up in and make new rules and roles for our new family’s life.

Jane had family and friends but nothing altered the disorientation and emptiness she felt.  And it wouldn’t go away.

Of course these big life changes are disorientating and, of course, we feel loss, grief, depression, anxiety and disorientation.  And sometimes, guilt.  We need time before we can create another life for ourselves because that’s exactly what is happening – the creation of a new life in a new world.

Think of it this way: we live in a mental and emotional solar system as a planet revolving around the gravitational field of the sun we’ve put in the center of that system.  When we’re young we usually put our parents in that gravitational center – for better or for worse.  As we grow older we revolve around husbands, wives, children, careers and, especially, dreams of how things will be.

And when the sun is removed from the center of our solar system, even if by our own choice, we are cast adrift.  We wander in typical ways until we create a new solar system, with strong gravitational forces that keep us in a new orbit.

Notice the difference between the goal and the many possible processes and paths we use to get there.  The goal is a new life, a new solar system, a new sun around which we and our lives will revolve.  If there’s no compelling center in our solar system, no strong gravitational force, we can fly off in any direction and get lost in outer (or inner) space.

There are as many processes as there are people – some shorter and some longer than others, some easier and some harder.

A suggestion for the goal: put at the center of your solar system a wonderful future with you as the person you want to be.  Now that you’re an adult, you have the opportunity to use all the wisdom you’ve gathered all these years.  You probably have the scars to prove it.


  1. How to you want to feel every day, every moment – wonder, awe, joy; alive?  Make that a goal to attract and lure you.
  2. What do you want to think about (and what don’t you want to waste your time on)?  Make that a goal to attract and lure you.
  3. What do you want to do?  Make that a goal to attract and lure you.

It’s simple and clear.  Just not easy.

Of course, there are many complications depending on your situation.  The best way to learn how to take power in your life and to be the person you want to be now is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and counseling so you can:

  1. Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.
  2. Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to create the life your spirit has always hungered for.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert counseling and coaching by phone or Skype.

AuthorBen Leichtling