Bullied and enmeshed, loving the wrong person

Jane had loved the wrong person – a narcissistic, bullying, abusive control-freak.  But she felt helpless.  She had loved him with all her heart.  She had seen every nice, kind thing he said; she had seen every apology, every promise he made.  She wouldn’t hear a word of criticism about him.

That was the problem that kept Jane enmeshed with her bully.  She had enabled him because she saw only one side of the picture – the good side he wanted her to focus on.  She said she would feel like a bad person – unforgiving, uncaring, judgmental – if she saw the other side.  She had thought that forgiveness meant seeing only the good side of him.

She had spent a long time miserable and suffering before she came and allowed herself to see the whole picture.

Even though Jane was not a good visualizer, when her unconscious made a canvas with thousands of scenes – the good, the bad and the ugly – she could see the preponderance of the evidence.  For every promise he made there were twenty horrible things he did to break the promise; for every “I love you” there were a hundred hateful acts, for every compliment there were a thousand insults, criticisms and negative, put-downs in private and in public.

When Jane allowed herself to see the whole picture, she became discerning.  She could make an informed decision about whether she wanted to stay and continue to be abused and tormented or to leave.  She didn’t have to judge him as bad or evil or to wish something horrible would happen to him.

She didn’t have to be judgmental; all she had to do was be discerning, see the whole picture and decide whether to put her body and heart in harm’s way.
She was surprised when she felt sorry for him but no longer loved him.  She was even more surprised when she became disgusted by him; she saw him as weak and pathetic.

The best way to learn how to take power in your life and to stop bullying is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and counseling so you can:

1. Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.
2. Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to create the life your spirit has always hungered for.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert coaching by phone or Skype.

Deserve your husband's bullying?

June grew up trained to say, “It’s my fault.  What did I do wrong?’ when she was bullied and abused by her parents.  She married a man who reinforced that pattern.

When he was sarcastic, critical, negative and demeaning, she was supposed to try harder to do what would please him.  When he yelled or hit her, she was supposed to know it was her fault.

He always had good reasons why he should torment and control her.  She assumed if she did the right things, she wouldn’t bear the blame for how he behaved.  But since he would condemn her no matter what she did, she always felt the guilt and shame of never being good enough.

When she finally realized that he’d condemn her no matter what she did, something in her shifted.  She was instantly free of the burden of guilt.  She felt lighter as a wave of warmth, peace and light washed away decades of training.  She never deserved that treatment from her parents or her husband, or even her friends or coworkers.  Her mistakes didn’t deserve those attacks.  Her heart opened and she sobbed and sobbed.  When she was done, she felt cleansed and free as she never had before.

It wasn’t about “deserve” any more.
It was about what she would and wouldn’t tolerate around her any more.  She now had the confidence to trust her own judgment.  She’d test other people and she’d decide how close or far to hold them, based on their behavior, not their reasons, excuses or justifications.  In fact, anyone who blamed their out-of-control, temper tantrums and hissy-fits on her would be immediately removed from her personal space.

Of course, although the realization was instantaneous – clear, straightforward and simple – putting it into effect wasn’t easy.  That took time, effort and some backsliding.  The bullies in her life kept manipulating and blaming on her.  Her self-doubt, self-questioning and low self-esteem reared up from time to time.  But, with help, she was able to clear her space of all the bullies and predators.

The best way to learn how to take power in your life and to stop bullying is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and counseling so you can:

1. Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.
2. Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to create the life your spirit has always hungered for.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert coaching by phone or Skype.

Reasons don't stop bullies

It took years for Jane to accept that her reasons did not stop her bullying husband.  In fact, they only helped him bully her.

He was relentless in questioning her reasons when she wanted to do anything he didn’t want her to do.  If fact, she saw that he harassed, criticized and belittled her so he could control everything she did.  He never stopped being sarcastic or arguing.  He pointed out every mistake, every flaw in logic and even that she was silly in wanting what she wanted.  She could never convince him she should be allowed to do what she wanted.  She began to feel stupid and helpless, which was exactly what he wanted.

Eventually, she decided to face his bullying and abuse with an unassailable reason, “Because I want to,” or “Because I don’t.”  When he attacked with “Why,” she simply repeated “Because I want to.”  And she smiled with joy.

His feelings about her reasons didn’t matter anymore.  She was no longer asking him for acceptance and permission.

That frustrated him terribly because she’d escaped his control.  Eventually, when she saw that he wouldn’t accept her desires and wouldn’t stop attacking her, she divorced him.  And she felt free and strong for the first time in years.

When you’re faced with a relentless bully who is always right, who is a clever debater, who always knows best, who will change the subject if you make a good point, who will argue until you give in and start walking on eggshells around him, stop giving the bully your reasons.

These bullies take your reasons as excuses to be battered down so they can control you.

Of course the same is true for bullying, controlling wives, parents, children and supposed friends.

The best way to learn how to take power in your life and to stop bullying is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and counseling so you can:

1. Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.
2. Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to create the life your spirit has always hungered for.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert coaching by phone or Skype.

Parenting polite, loving bully-proof kids

All tactics are situational.

In the outside world, we want our kids to be polite and nice, and, at the same time, strong, courageous and determined enough to stop bullies.  There’s no conflict between those values although the kids will need different tactics when befriending other decent kids than they’ll need to stop bullying predators.

At home, the problem I often see is kids who are not polite and kind; they bully their parents and siblings.
These parents lecture their children about having respectful, loving behavior but allow them to throw temper tantrums even when the kids are grown up.  They allow their children to be negative, abusive, critical and sarcastic.  They allow their teenagers to curse them, threaten them, blame all their problems on them and to contribute no effort toward doing the household chores.

It’s as if these parents believe their task is to make things perfect for their children.  And unless they do, the children are entitled to treat them horribly and are allowed to fail in life because their parents weren’t what they wanted.  It’s as if they hope that if they love their children enough and give them everything and allow rotten behavior, one day the children will wake up and civilized and loving people.

I’ve never seen that tactic work.  I’ve always seen the opposite effect.
Children need to be trained to be social and civilized.  Many resist that training.  These children find it easier to be arrogant, selfish, demanding, narcissistic and hateful.  Civilized, respectful behavior takes much more effort.

If children are allowed to grow up expecting to be the center of the universe, expecting to be catered to and expecting to get everything they want to make them happy they’ll stay the same when they’re teenagers and adults.  They become narcissistic control-freaks.  They’ll threaten failure, suicide or beating you into submission.  Think Veruka Salt from “Willie Wonka.”

The rule should be to treat your parents and siblings better than you’d treat strangers who have something you want.

The only tactic that I’ve seen effective is to set behavioral boundaries and maintain them with consequences no matter how much the kid’s throw tantrums.
You can’t beg or bribe children into behaving respectfully.  No matter how guilty they try to make you feel because of the bad things that happened to them, require civilized behavior at home.  Since you’re not a bullying parent, you’ll allow them more flexibility when they’re young, but the older they get, the higher the standards you must set.

These resistant children have a hard time between the ages of approximately 10-20.
When kids are young, we allow them to get away with more.  We see potential and we accept promises.  But between ages about 10-20, the whole world shifts for them.  Potential and promises are no longer enough.  Results matter more and more.

Especially at home, when they move through the teenage years we must pay only for performance.
Just like the world does also.

How to you know if your child is damaged beyond repair?

The best way to learn how to raise caring, polite kids and to stop selfish, hostile, bullying adults is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and counseling so you can:

1. Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.
2. Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to create the life your spirit has always hungered for.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert coaching by phone or Skype.

Test: Who are the bullies?

When I go into a workplace to train or consult, I ask: “Who are the bullies?”  If people say, “We don’t know” or “We haven’t had any ever,” they’re probably in trouble.

When I talk with principals, counselors and teachers in a school, I ask, “Who are the bullies and where in the school do they bully?”  If the answer is, “We don’t know” or “We’ve never had any,” they’re probably in trouble.

When I counsel or coach people about their personal and family lives, I ask, “Who are the bullies and what have you done about it?”  If the answer is, “There are no bullies in our extended family” or “It’s not so bad” or “That’s just the way they are,” I know they’re in trouble.  They’re probably minimizing or excusing the behavior and damage, or covering it up (family secrets).

In any group of about 30 people, there’s at least one person who uses bullying tactics.  Often, that bully has created a clique or mob.  In addition to my experience, there are even studies showing that.

Some people are aghast that I ask those questions.  They say, “Won’t the label stigmatize those people?”  Of course, the answer is that they are already stigmatized.  Everyone knows who the bullies are.

Also stigmatized already are the supposed responsible authorities who ignore, condone or even encourage harassment, negativity, bullying and abuse.  Everyone know who allows bullying to continue, who gives bullies space and power to do their worst.

The first step to protect the targets is to expose and label bullying behavior and the perpetrators and predators.  The second step is to change the situation.

The best way to learn how to create a bully-free environment is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and counseling so you can:

1. Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.
2. Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to create the life your spirit has always hungered for.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert coaching by phone or Skype.

History is not destiny

Bullies want you to give up.  They want you to think they’re more relentless; they’ve always won; you know they’ll again so why struggle or fight.  Resistance is futile.  They want you to think the future will be a repeat of the past.

Self-bullying and self-abuse follows the same pattern.  That negative, insidious inner voice tells you that you’ll never succeed; you’ve never kept your resolutions; you’ve never changed the things you’ve tried hardest to change; you have a defect inside that will destroy you.  You’re an imposter, a phony, not enough, bad.  Think of all your failures, the embarrassing moments, the people who turned away.  Resistance is futile.

That’s all wrong.

History is not destiny!

The message in all the great stories from all the great traditions is the same: Never give up.  Let nothing crush you.  Keep fighting because you choose to.

Whether you’re Odysseus or Neo from the Matrix; whether you’re Gandhi, Mandela or Scrooge; whether you’re Bilbo or Frodo or Aragorn; whether you’re Arjuna or Rama; whether you’re Joan of Arc or Sita or Parvati, whether you’re Arwyn or Tauriel; the message that matters is always the same.

Fear and despair are bullies.  Never give in to anxiety or depression.  Keep trying.  Keep fighting.  Count the victories more than the set-backs.

History is not destiny!

Give your all in service to your highest and greatest aspirations.

The best way to learn how to create and thoroughly enjoy the life you want is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and counseling so you can:

1. Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.
2. Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to create the life your spirit has always hungered for.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert coaching by phone or Skype.

Teen anxiety, depression, self-esteem, resistance

There are many reasons why intelligent, well-behaved children become teenagers riddled with anxiety, lethargy and depression, and full of resistance and rebellion.

One of the most common and overlooked is that these kids are faced with the biggest and scariest challenge in their lives and they’re afraid they can’t succeed.  So they hide behind selfishness and narcissism, and turn on their parents, their schools and anyone else they can in order to avoid the real issue.

The frightening issue is, “Can they make it in the real world?”

Naturally, since many teens are not sure if they’re smart enough, pretty enough, athletic enough or strong enough, they get anxious.  Naturally, since they know the cowardly moments they’ve given into, the evil thoughts they’ve harbored and the bad things they’ve done, they worry that there may be something deficient or wrong in them.  Naturally, many withdraw into lethargy and depression, and then lash out to cover up their fear.

Stop fighting the easy fights.

• It’s easy to blame everyone else who hasn’t given them everything.  It’s easy to give up and turn on their parents with negativity, sarcasm, arrogance, harassment, bullying and abuse.
• It’s easy to try to beat their parents into submission, into giving more and more stuff, giving more and more chances, negotiating endlessly and never applying consequences that really matter.  Many parents hope that if they keep giving and they cater to their children’s excuses, someday their little darlings (no matter how old) will finally see the light and become hard-working, responsible, polite, caring adults.
• These fights are easy because they’re against loving parents who will eventually give in.

But these easy fights take up everyone’s time and energy, and enable teenagers to avoid the important and necessary fight, which ultimately must be fought successfully in order for that child to become a fully functioning and successful human adult.

Fight the hard fight: There is no other way to grow up.

• Help your children fight against a world that tests them to see if they have what it takes to be successful adults.  Help them face the most difficult challenge that the world poses.  This is the hard fight because the world doesn’t care about them and their feelings.  The world is interested only in results.
• Help your children by focusing them on the fight they really need to fight.  Don’t let the argument remain focused on you.  Keep the focus where it belongs.  “Do you have the resolve, resilience and relentlessness to succeed against the world?”
• The fight is against their own fear and cowardice.  Their confidence and self-esteem will follow their successes in facing this challenge.  Every challenge they face successfully will increase their confidence, esteem and energy to tackle greater challenges.

The fight against the world takes more energy and determination than giving up and whining and complaining.

Of course, we know 20-70 year-olds who are still bullied by their fears, still lashing out because they weren’t given enough, still a waste of potential for all those who love them.

The best way to learn how to help your teen fight the hard challenge is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and counseling so you can:

1. Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.
2. Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to create the bully-free life your spirit has always hungered for.

Read case study #6 in “How to Parent Bully-Proof Kids.”  Also, read my new Kindle book, “How to Stop Sneaky Bullies.”  Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert coaching by phone or Skype.

3 Rs: Life lessons to stop bullies

Bullies in relationships and at work try to convince you that you’re too weak or unskilled to resist them: They’ll win in the end.  They’re more determined, nasty, sneaky.  They want you to feel hopeless, helpless.  They want your logic and reason to convince you that resistance is futile.

Kids can convince themselves to give up.  It’s not worth the effort since the deck is stacked against them.  Life is too hard, they’re too weak or defective, people are too nasty.

The effective response in both cases, the keys to success are the 3 Rs:

1. Have resolve.
2. Be resilient.
3. Act relentlessly.

Those qualities are the engine we all need.

If we don’t have these qualities, we can’t make use of any help that’s offered.  We give in, we give up.  Even if we have a great plan, we don’t have the will and grit to carry it out successfully.  Failure is guaranteed.

If we have these qualities, we grab onto help that’s offered.  We keep trying.  We create surprises.  We can get lucky.  We can attract allies.  We can succeed against negativity, bullies and abuse.  We can succeed in life.

The best way to learn how to create the life your spirit wants is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and counseling so you can:

1. Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.
2. Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to create the bully-free life your spirit has always hungered for.

Read case study #6 in “How to Parent Bully-Proof Kids.”  Also, read my new Kindle book, “How to Stop Sneaky Bullies.”  Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert coaching by phone or Skype.

Stop bullies' traps during the holidays

Jerri knew she had to be wary during the holidays.  Her family set many traps into which she’d fallen over the years.  But this year would be different.

Her family was full of righteous, critical, bullying abusers.  Sometimes they were overt in attacking her for her many faults, including being unloving, uncaring, selfish and narcissistic when she didn’t want to do what they wanted.  Or they exploded and yelled and screamed.  And it was her fault because she upset them.  Sometimes they were sneaky and manipulative in getting her to do what they wanted even when she didn’t want to do it.

Trap #1 – They put her in a helpless position in order to force her to do what they wanted even though she don’t want to do.
Last year, Jerri’s brother insisted on driving her the full day to their folks’ home and to visit friends and relatives she didn’t want to see.  They were negative about her life and criticized her clothes, hair and activities.  But she was stuck since it was is car and he insisted.  He had good reasons to rebut every excuse she made.  This year she’s driving by herself whether he thinks it’s reasonable or not.

Trap #2 – They talked behind Jerri’s back and labeled her with emotional blackmailing words.
She didn’t want to be labeled as unloving, uncaring, selfish and narcissistic, so she’d give in to prove that she was a good person.  But no amount of proof seemed to stop them next time they wanted something.  Every time she gave in, they demanded more proofs.  This year, Jerri admitted to herself that she doesn’t care what those relatives think.  She visits out of duty and is glad to spend the rest of the year far away.

Trap #3 – Jerri put herself in a trap because she thought she had to find excuses they would accept in order for her to do what she wanted.
Jerri had been trained to be sweet and accommodating, not to force her will on other people.  She couldn’t say “No” simply because she wanted to.  She felt she had to find excuses that they would accept.  She felt that she couldn’t do what she wanted unless they approved or gave permission.  This year, she’ll say “Yes” or “No” without reasons – just because that’s what she wants.

There are many other traps and even more tactics you can use to maintain your boundaries.

The best way to learn how to create a bully-free life is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and counseling so you can:

1. Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.
2. Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to create the bully-free life your spirit has always hungered for.

Read my new Kindle book, “How to Stop Sneaky Bullies.”  Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert coaching by phone or Skype.

Jealousy during the holidays

Many people dread the holidays because of the jealousy that gets acted out among siblings, between parents and children, or even among the relatives.

Too often, the fights are even more vicious than they were when you were a kid.  You dread going to see the whole family when your sisters and brothers will criticize, harass and bully you openly or, even harder to deal with, when they do it sneakily, making cutting remarks with a smile or bringing up old wounds and abuses you’d rather not talk about.  Or your parents compare who’s the best or most successful, loving or worthy child.

What can you do when you’re the target?  Choices depend on the situation and on you.  Common ones are:

1. Just take it and try to ignore it.  They’re jerks but you’re going to rise above because they’re “family.” And nothing will change.
2. Try to love them into changing.
3. Speak up calmly.  Point out the nastiness; shine a light on it.  Tell them to grow up.
4. Fight back with words that will hurt them.
5. Leave.  Tell them off in the process.  Become the most difficult person because, often, the most difficult person is the one the family gives in to.
6. Don’t even go.  You can make excuses or tell the truth.

Many other choices are possible.

I’m raising these possibilities because you’re free to do what you want.  There is no “One-Right-Answer.”

• You’re not required to submit to beatings, verbal or otherwise, in the name of some idealized but painful relationship called “family.”
• You don’t have to wait until they admit they’re doing something wrong.  Follow your own pain and standards: Act because you won’t allow anyone to treat you that way, whether or not they “mean it.”

Many people put up with jealousy-based bullying and abuse until their children are old enough to notice.  Then they’re motivated to act.  Whether your children are abused also or, even harder, when your children are treated wonderfully while you’re put down, you must stop the jealous behavior or make distance.  By setting boundaries you may be able to change them family bullies.  But the real goal is to make a bully-free environment, not to change them.  They have free will.

Your children must see you model how to deal with bullies, no matter what the relationship.

The best way to learn how to create a bully-free life is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and counseling so you can:

1. Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.
2. Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to create the bully-free life your spirit has always hungered for.

Read my new Kindle book, “How to Stop Sneaky Bullies.”  Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert coaching by phone or Skype.

Kindle Book – "How to Stop Bullies in Their Tracks," 2nd edition

“How to Stop Bullies in Their Tracks,” 2nd edition, is finally published as a Kindle Edition.  

You can find it at: http://www.amazon.com/dp/B00KI43XLG

Stop bullying and toxic relationships at home and at work. Stop controllers, critics, relentless arguers, exploders, manipulators, narcissists, perfectionists, abusers, passive-aggressives, emotional intimidators and self-bullying

"How to Stop Bullies in Their Tracks," Second Edition, will show you how to apply lessons from 20 case studies to end bullying in your personal life and at work.

• Early warning signs of overt and sneaky bullies.
• Nine ineffective approaches you should stop using.
• The three strategies that will be successful.
• A five-step process to thwart the most determined bullies.
• Stop self-bullying before it destroys your life.
• How to protect your personal ecology.

If you:

• Live in frustrating, painful, toxic, hostile relationships or a marriage full of drudgery and pain.
• Get worn down by passive aggressive manipulation, negativity, criticism, harassment, control, emotional intimidation, endless arguing, bullying or abuse.
• Suffer in silence – watching yourself or your spouse, your children or friends get bullied.
• Can’t protect yourself from bullying bosses or co-workers.
• Try to be sweet and nice, reasonable and understanding, people pleasing and serving others, and still get bullied.

This book is for you!

These case studies demonstrate methods that will help you take power and stop bullies in any situation in personal life, at school and at work. Learn how to:

• Recognize and stop sneaky bullies in any relationship – on first dates or even if you are married with children; with toxic parents, toxic adult children or narcissistic friends; at work and at school.
• Set effective boundaries so you can get treated like you want.
• Have the loving, long-term relationships and friendships you desire.
• Create a bully-free environment.

Go beyond magical thinking – searching for a technique that will work instantly, easily and last forever. With this book you can learn real-world methods to:

• Change your mind-set.
• Build character, courage and skill.
• Stop bullying spouses, dates, parents, children, relatives and friends.
• Stop bullying bosses and co-workers.

The best way to learn how to stop bullies in personal life and at work is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and counseling so you can:

1. Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.
2. Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to create the bully-free life your spirit has always hungered for.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert coaching by phone or Skype.

Are bullying boyfriends "evil?"

Do you have to call a bullying boyfriend “evil” in order to dump him?  Is it wrong to call someone “evil?”

Some typical approaches:

1. After two years, Jeri finally decided that her bullying boyfriend was sneaky, manipulative and controlling – an evil narcissist.  That gave her the strength and determination to get away from him, no matter how much he protested that he loved her.  His problem was in how he loved her.
2. After two years, Suzie hated the way her boyfriend criticized, yelled and abused her.  But she remembered a few times when he was sorry and tried to be nice for a while in order to make it up to her.  She couldn’t bring herself to call him “evil” so she thought she couldn’t give up and leave him.

Jeri needed to think of someone as evil in order to have the strength to dump him.

On the other hand, Suzie wouldn’t let herself leave if she thought there was any good in her boyfriend.  She thought she couldn’t dump him unless he was proven to be irredeemably evil, but she wouldn’t want to be so judgmental.

The solution:

1. Avoid the whole issue of whether the person is evil or not.  Simply decide what behavior you will allow in your personal space.  Then, allow people in or keep them out based on their actions – not on their excuses or justifications or inner struggles; not on your compassion or your desire to help them or fix them.
2. Learn to recognize early warning signs of bullies and act firmly and effectively depending on the situation.
3. Do whatever you need to give yourself the motivation, determination, strength and courage to get bullies out of your space.  Jeri needed to label him as “a bully” or “evil” in order to act.  Suzie situation was just the opposite.  While she needed to label him as evil in order to act, she had too kind a heart to judge someone’s identity so strongly and permanently.  The solution for her was not to judge his identity but to evaluate his personality – based on his actions – and decide to clear her personal space of a predator.
4. It’s not about a person being good or bad.  You don’t have to judge their identity.  It’s about what behavior do you want in your space.  If he behaves the way you want, he can stay.  If not, he has to go.  Then you have space to welcome a boyfriend who treats you better.

Simple.  Clear.  Not necessarily easy.

The best way to learn to recognize the early warning signs of bullies and to clear your personal space is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and counseling so you can:

1. Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.
2. Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to deal with the specific situation you’re in.

Read my new Kindle book, “How to Stop Sneaky Bullies.”  Also, since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert coaching by phone or Skype.

Toxic adult children throwing temper tantrums

Just like he had when he was 6, Julie’s 35 year-old son still tried to force her to do what he wanted by:

1. Beating her into submission with rage, tirades and vicious verbal attacks that stimulated her guilt.
2. Looking so hurt and crushed that she felt sorry for him.  She felt compelled to rush over, tell him she loved him, kiss the boo-boo and give him whatever he wanted.
3. Giving her the very loud, silent treatment until she capitulated.

She was so exhausted and depressed by his endless selfishness and relentless criticism, she gave him a deadline to move out at the end of the month.  There was nothing physically, mentally or emotionally wrong with him except that he still wanted to be taken care of and get his way about everything like a spoiled little boy.  He’d been living off her and much too close for too long.  She wanted her own space and her own life – peace and quiet at last.

But she was tormented by:

• Guilt (”Mothers love and take care of their sons forever”).
• Fear (“What if he failed on his own or wouldn’t let her see her grandchildren after he married and had kids).
• Shame (How would her friends judge her; maybe as a mother who’d failed).

Finally, she was so tired of the endless negativity, harassment, bullying and abuse that she’d had enough.

She found the key to success in standing up to him was to let go of the responsibility for making him happy and for making his life work.  The only way for him to stop being a little child was for her to stop being the mommy who protected his feelings and made his life work.

Some of the attitudes and tactics that helped her were:

• She never justified, debated or argued about her reasons for setting the deadline.  She simply said she wanted it that way.
• Her spirit soared when she started mocking him, with a loving tone, when he acted like a little boy.  She kept smiling as she said, sweetly, “Stop throwing a temper tantrum” or “Stop throwing a hissy-fit.”  And then she calmly asked him if he needed a “time-out” in his room or she walked away.  Those childhood words made her point.
• When he broke his silent treatment in order to criticize her, she laughingly reminded him that he was giving her the silent treatment.
• Her gentle mockery became a challenge to her son.  And she also used those words, “I’m challenging you to act like an adult.  I know it’s hard for you to grow up, but it’s time.  You’re a guest in my house.  Act like a good guest for your last days here and maybe I’ll invite you to dinner sometime.”  Also, she said she’d like a loving, adult relationship with him, not a “mommy with a little boy” relationship.
• She never to asked him about his plans or reminded him of the looming deadline.  He’d only interpret that as weakness on her part.  She had to follow through even if he had nowhere to go; no extensions.  And she had to convert his room immediately into something else so the message was clear.
• She told him repeatedly she knew he could do it.  He’d faced and overcome many challenges before and this was simply another one.

Her good cheer in the face of his childish attempts to force her into submission showed him his old, childish tactics were no longer effective.  Previously, he’d been the one who persevered longer, but now she had more tenacity and determination.

Her friends congratulated her for finally throwing him out, like they wished they’d done earlier with their children.  The child had to be kicked out of the nest in order to learn to fly.

The best way to create a space that uplifts your spirit is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and counseling so you can:

1. Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.
2. Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to deal with the specific situation you’re in.

Read my new Kindle book, “How to Stop Sneaky Bullies.”  Also, since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert coaching by phone or Skype.

Empty nest: What next together?

The big question and fear in middle age is age and stage appropriate.  The kids are grown and leaving, for better or worse.  You’ve completed this part of your life.  The time for change has come again.

So, what next?  What do we want to do – together or alone?  Don’t decide in the confines of your own mind.  Dialogue together over time.

The first stage of your life was “student.”  You grew up, went to school and prepared for adult life.  For better or worse.

The second stage was “householder.”  You got a job or career, got married and raised kids.  For better or worse.

Now life rolls you into the third stage, ready or not.  The kids leave or you throw them out.  You’re no longer needed as the mommy or daddy who’s responsible for everything they do or for protecting them from the pitfalls of life or who’s necessary to teach them how to make good choices and to succeed.  In fact, you probably realize that there are some lessons they simply won’t learn from you.  They’ll have to learn them the hard way – from life.

You’ll always be their mother or father, but you don’t need to be on call whenever they sneeze.  What does an adult relationship with them look like – day-by-day, week-by-week?

So what do you do with your partner/spouse for the next 40 years?  You know each other well in the old roles.  You both know how to say the wrong thing, you know how to make the crushing put-down, you know how to start a fight.  You know each other’s tendencies, hopes, fears and struggles.  You know what’s easy and seems to come naturally, and you know what’s really difficult.

You can fill your time with the old mommy/daddy roles or pressure them to have grandchildren so you can slide back into comfortable roles giving and caring.  But maybe it’s time to step back and ask, “What have we each been hungering for all these years?  What does my spirit want me to develop?  What do we want to do together?  What do we want to do apart?  How to we make this happen in a loving way?”

If there’s any love left between you, start courting again.  Remember, you used to be excited to see each other, you used to bring interesting things to each other, you used to suck it up and be cheerful no matter what was happening, you used to be polite.  Start doing these alluring things again.

Hold hands while you have the important, deep and sensitive conversations.  Start talking without having a fight over who’s more reasonable or right.  Remember, you once got together because it was fun.  How can you have fun now?  Have a date.  Have two.  Do one each week.

Even if the together part is only 25% at first, start there and see where you want to go.  Explore, one step at a time.  Don’t think 40 years ahead.  Think 3-5 at most.  Think of ice cream and walks.  Plan as interested and encouraging friends.

On the other hand, if you’re way beyond hate, figure out how to go your separate ways without proving who’s right.  Negativity, criticism, righteousness, blame, shame, guilt, harassment, bullying and abuse are not going to help you or the kids – no matter how tempting.

Age and state appropriate development again, just when you thought you had it all figured out and nothing would change for the next 40 years.  For better or worse.

The best way to plan for a rewarding rest of your life is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and counseling so you can:

1. Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.
2. Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to deal with the specific situation you’re in.

Read my new Kindle book, “How to Stop Sneaky Bullies.”  Also, since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert coaching by phone or Skype.

Righteous narcissists know what's right

Who gets to vote on what you want and what you should do?  Who gets to tell you what’s right or best for you?  Who do you listen to?

Shelly analyzed every decision with her family and friends.  Then many of them told her what she should do.  She felt compelled to share her thoughts with them.  After all, how would she know what’s best if she didn’t hear all their opinions?  Some of them even got angry when she didn’t follow their advice.  Others were furious that she didn’t follow the scripture they thought was definitive.  All of them thought they had authority over her and she should follow it.

Shelly eventually realized she was spending her whole life explaining and analyzing her motives, and trying to find a decision that would satisfy all of them.  But she could think of the many decisions that went wrong trying to satisfy everyone.  She knew that approach destroyed her confidence and self-esteem.  What a waste.

Shelly realized there’s a difference between:

• Asking what other people would do in the same situation.  And understanding that they might have very different values, standards, hopes and fears than she did.
• Getting an expert opinion in an area where that’s valuable and also getting a second opinion.  But she wouldn’t ask her car mechanic about his recommendation for clothes or for her love life.
• Asking other people what’s Right or Best.
• Exploring possible consequences with people before she decided.  That’s called “getting information.”
• Being in charge of her life; living her life the way she wanted based on what she decided she wanted to try.

Narcissists and the righteous always know what’s Right and Best for you.  And you’d better do it or else.  They’re abusive bullies.  They’ll criticize and harass you until you do what they want.

Shelly decided she must stop trying figure out what was Right or Best in every situation.  There wasn’t a Right or Best for most of the decisions she wanted to make.  The future was not certain and all those decisions were actually being made in the face of the unknown.  She realized all the questions were really about which paths she wanted to try and which risks she wanted to take.

She also decided she was wasting her time analyzing everything in public.  She saw her days and weeks had been spent with her friends and family analyzing every detail; even endlessly and fruitlessly reviewing events that had happened decades ago.  She felt she was spending all her time like people watching TV shows about celebrities or the ones where people yell and attack each other because they won’t do what they want them to do.  What a waste.

Shelly responded to an inner call to create a new culture for herself.  She loved the statement made by Cora in the movie, “Last of the Mohicans.”  Cora says, “The decision I have come to is that I would rather make the gravest of mistakes than surrender my own judgment.”  Cora will follow her own judgment, not the other people’s.  She will not let the “experts” rule her life.

Shelly also decided to follow her heart and spirit.  She developed the courage to resist the righteous and narcissistic ones of her friends and family.  Actually she stopped talking with them about what she was thinking; no matter how much they tried to pry.  And she didn’t give them the right to vote on her life.

The best way to learn how to create the life and space you want is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and counseling so you can:

1. Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.
2. Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to deal with the specific situation you’re in.

Read my new ebook, “How to Stop Sneaky Bullies.”  Also, since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert coaching by phone or Skype.

Blood or behavior: which matters most?

Jerry’s family was so mean to him that he wanted to live thousands of miles away and have a secret identity so they could never find him.

Jerry couldn’t understand why they did what they did.  His parents would yell at him and at each other.  They’d make promises to him and then deny them.  They’d say they loved him and then they’d be relentlessly negative and critical.  The nicer he was, the meaner they became.

His brothers and sisters were manipulative and stirred up fights.  Everyone had secrets and trapped Jerry in the middle of the weird games they played.

Jerry always tried to reason with them but logic never helped.  They’d get angry and explode, or they’d get hurt feelings, cry and sucker Jerry into trying to make them feel good. They always had reasons and excuses for why they were so mean.  It was never their fault; someone else was always to blame for how nasty they were.

How can parents and family not care about you?
Jerry and his wife were at their wit’s end.  They couldn’t understand why his family was so mean.  They thought if they could understand, they could do something to make peace.  But nothing they did managed to change his family’s behavior.

They finally concluded that Jerry’s family members cared only about the feelings they had right at the moment.  They didn’t cared about acting consistency or keeping their words or about Jerry or about any standards of polite, kind, civilized behavior.  Jerry and his wife felt their flesh was being torn by hyenas.

On the other hand, Jerry and his wife had great friends.  They had fun with them and if there were any problems, they were handled above board and with no manipulation, lying, bullying or abuse.

“Family takes care of family no matter what.  Family comes first, no matter how rotten they are or how you feel.”
That was the rule Jerry had been raised under.  As long as Jerry kept that rule, he’d be at the mercy of his bullying family.  Jerry and his wife wanted to turn their backs on his family but he was stuck emotionally.

It would be a huge transition, turning away from a culture that had lasted thousands of years in order to turn toward the new way of being Jerry wanted.  He’d be pitting his personal vision against the many voices trying to drive or drag him back to the old ways.  He would have to be brave, determined and strong.  He’d have to become the hero of his own life.

“Good behavior counts more than bad blood.”
That was the rule Jerry wanted for the rest of his life.  He would never let anyone, even relatives, who behaved badly close to his family.  When his children were old enough to see what was going on and to see how Jerry’s family tormented their parents, Jerry finally had to confront, as an adult, his old family rule.  Did he want to spend his life stuck with the old rule or did he want to choose to live the rest of his life with his new rule?

Jerry decided his most important values were

• Setting the best example for his children about what environment to create for them.
• Protecting and defending his family from people, including his parents and relatives, who he saw as crazy or savages.

He would stake out his own way against the old ways.  Jerry’s wife was thrilled.  Since the problem was Jerry’s family, she felt she had to wait for him to act.  She didn’t want to be the lightning rod for his family’s attacks by putting Jerry in the middle.  She’d stand with him but he had to be willing to stand up first.

This decision opened Jerry and his wife’s hearts toward each other and ended the fights between them.  Now they had to figure out how to do it; how to disentangle themselves from all the tentacles that had been strangling them.  Simple and clear but not easy.

The best way to learn how to create the life and space you want is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and counseling so you can:

1. Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.
2. Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to deal with the specific situation you’re in.

Read my new ebook, “How to Stop Sneaky Bullies.”  Also, since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert coaching by phone or Skype.

Don't be a victim of experts

Sherry always wanted to do the right thing, to always be fair.  So she avidly followed the latest, supposedly-scientific research studies and the latest experts.  She asked everyone she knew for their opinions and even consulted psychics.

The result was that she never had any consistency; she was constantly changing direction.  She also felt duped when the latest study and the latest expert advice didn’t work or when her life and children were different from the normal people in the studies.

Mostly, Sherry felt scared and panicked.  She felt that disaster was just around the corner if she didn’t get everything just right.  She was riddled with negativity self-doubt, and had no self-esteem or confidence in her own judgment.  She hardly even knew her own judgment.  She had turned into a self-bully.

Sherry was a victim of experts.

Experts are all around us.  They want you to listen and they want you to believe that the latest studies give the right answers.  They want you to believe that you can’t figure things out yourself.

Don’t be a victim of supposedly-scientific studies and of experts.

Find someone who puts you in touch with your own experience, observations and accurate intuition.  Find someone who connects you with your strength, courage and determination.

The best way to learn how to stop being a victim of experts and supposedly-scientific studies is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and counseling so you can:

1. Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.
2. Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to deal with the specific situation you’re in.

Read my new ebook, “How to Stop Sneaky Bullies.”  Also, since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert coaching by phone or Skype.

Don't be a victim of psychoanalysis

June knew why she did all the things she did.  She’d been in analysis for 60 years and she could explain in excruciating detail what had happened so long ago that caused her to treat her husband and children the way she did.

She was mean, nasty and vindictive.  Verbally and emotionally, she was bullying and abusive. She was manipulative and controlling.  She would be sneaky and guilt-tripping to get her way or she would simply beat everyone into submission.   She was negative and disparaged them relentlessly.  They were worthless and she could show them why they would fail.

The only problem was that June never changed.  All that analysis, all those details, all the understanding, all those cause --> effect conclusions, all those brilliant explanations and insights, all that cathartic weeping and wailing never changed her behavior.

June insisted that if she simply knew more, understood more and went deeper, then she’d reach the bottom of her analysis and be cured.  Then she’d suddenly behave better.

Finally, June’s family gave up.  They got tired of explanations, reasons and excuses.  They got tired of being blamed to triggering her patterns.  They got tired of repeated apologies and broken promises.  They saw that what she said was merely justifications.  They stopped caring about why she bullied them and simply wanted her to stop.  They simply got tired of waiting for a miracle.  They left.

June was a victim of psychoanalysis.

June clung to the idea that if she knew more, understood more, got to the bottom of her motivations, then she’d instantly become cured and would behave like the loving wife and mother she said was her goal.  She clung to the idea that she didn’t have to change until she’d analyzed and understood everything.

She refused to accept that it doesn’t work that way.  All her answers to “why” questions didn’t change her behavior.  And she lost what she said was most important to her.  But evidently not.  What she kept were her old patterns and viciousness; her old analysis and reasons; her old way of thinking and acting.  Those were her “precious.”

The best way to learn how to stop being a victim of psychoanalysis or to stop someone who is, is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and counseling so you can:

1. Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.
2. Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to deal with the specific situation you’re in.

Read my new ebook, “How to Stop Sneaky Bullies.”  Also, since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert coaching by phone or Skype.

Being nice is not enough

Being nice is a wonderful trait but it’s not enough to survive and thrive in the real world.

Jane’s mother always said that being nice and being liked was the most important thing.  But by the time Jane was 30, she had a negative, controlling, abusive husband, a bullying boss and coworkers who were slackers and harassed her if she didn’t do most of their work.

One day she woke up with two startling thoughts:

• Maybe the problem wasn’t that she wasn’t nice enough to win them over to being nice to her.
• Maybe the problem was that she was being too nice and that being nice wasn’t a good strategy with some people.

That was the beginning of Jane’s development into a successful adult.  She saw that there were two kinds of people:

• Those who followed the Golden Rule and sought peaceful solutions and reconciliation.  These people she could allow into her inner circle and enjoy being with.
• Those who took her kindness as weakness, and who took whatever they wanted from her while making here feel weak, bad, ashamed and guilty.  Even if they were related by blood or marriage, she had to keep these people far away.  If fact, Jane realized that she didn’t want to be liked by those people.  In order to be liked by them, she’d have to give up control of her life and do things that violated her values, ethics or Sense of Self.

Jane’s old strategy to be nice was to avoid issues.  She’d withdraw and hope that when people calmed down they could simply be nice to each other.  She’d been trained by these bullies that if she brought things up, they’d blow, there’d be a confrontation and it was her fault.  She was being trained to be nice, docile and submissive, which was how they wanted her.

Jane now realized that her most important task was to protect and defend her personal space everywhere she went.  She could be nice as long as she was clear and firm when necessary.  This meant many life and people changes for Jane but, despite the difficulties she encountered at first, she loved the results.

Obviously the same ideas apply to stopping bullies of any kind: at school, with domineering friends, toxic parents or toxic adult-children.

There are also all the skills we need to learn in order to thrive: how to learn new things, how to communicate when there’s a problem or hurt feelings, how to make a living, how to do distasteful things that are really important (changing diapers, taking care of sick people, etc.).

The best way to learn how to protect and defend your personal space is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and counseling so you can:

1. Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.
2. Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to deal with the specific situation you’re in.

Read my new ebook, “How to Stop Sneaky Bullies.”  Also, since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert coaching by phone or Skype.

Sneaky bullies push our hot buttons

A common tactic of sneaky bullies in relationships and at work is to push our hot buttons.  After we’ve lost it, they can blame everything on us and manipulate us so we do what they want.

Also, kids are really good at pushing their parents’ hot buttons.  Whenever there’s a giant argument, with outrageous threats and punishments, they’ll smile secretly because they know they’ve won – this time or next time.

We all develop hot buttons.
Sneaky bullies are experts at recognizing our hot buttons.  Those are the places we’re really sensitive.  They can sense our fears, our past traumas, our pet peeves, our deepest yearnings.  Just like when we have a big black-and-blue bruise, sneaky bullies push the place really hard but with a perfectly innocent look on their faces.  Then they smile when we explode with pain.  Now they can blame and shame us, guilt-tripping us, sometimes off a subject we want to talk about, into doing what they want us to do or into accepting any punishment they want to dish out.  And it’s our fault because we exploded.

Back out of the melodrama.
Recognize the patterns; who and what pushes your triggers.  Of course, with help you can learn to catch yourself before you explode, but even at the beginning of your transformation, you can catch yourself in mid-fight and step down.  As an adult, you don’t need anger or pain to make your point or to get bullying behavior out of your life.  Don’t accept any consequences from the explosion.  Just start again.  Talk about whatever you wanted to talk about in the beginning.  Make whatever points you wanted to make before your button got pushed.

Keep on track; focus on the subject you want to.
The first subject of the conversation following sneaky bullying is, “Stop pushing my hot buttons or else.”  Laugh at attempts to divert you.  Accept no reasons, excuses or justifications for repeated pushing of hot buttons.  “Only kidding” or “you’re too sensitive,” doesn’t matter.  Your standards rule your personal space.  There must be an “or else” that you’re willing to carry out in order to get sneaky bullies out of your life.

Get rid of your hot buttons.
Ultimately, of course, part of personal development is to get rid of our hot buttons.  Hot buttons might have been good motivation when we were little kids and needed to be loud and out of control in order to get listened to and to protect ourselves.  But they’re not effective now that we’re adults.  We’re big enough now to get what we want and to protect ourselves without the explosions.  We can be firm, strong, brave and persistent without the pain, anger and explosions.

The best way to learn how to stop sneaky bullies and to get rid of hot buttons to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and counseling so you can:

1. Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.
2. Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to deal with the specific situation you’re in.

Read my new ebook, “How to Stop Sneaky Bullies.”  Also, since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert coaching by phone or Skype.