Do you have to call a bullying boyfriend “evil” in order to dump him? Is it wrong to call someone “evil?”
Some typical approaches:
- After two years, Jeri finally decided that her bullying boyfriend was sneaky, manipulative and controlling – an evil narcissist. That gave her the strength and determination to get away from him, no matter how much he protested that he loved her. His problem was in how he loved her.
- After two years, Suzie hated the way her boyfriend criticized, yelled and abused her. But she remembered a few times when he was sorry and tried to be nice for a while in order to make it up to her. She couldn’t bring herself to call him “evil” so she thought she couldn’t give up and leave him.
Jeri needed to think of someone as evil in order to have the strength to dump him.
On the other hand, Suzie wouldn’t let herself leave if she thought there was any good in her boyfriend. She thought she couldn’t dump him unless he was proven to be irredeemably evil, but she wouldn’t want to be so judgmental.
The solution:
- Avoid the whole issue of whether the person is evil or not. Simply decide what behavior you will allow in your personal space. Then, allow people in or keep them out based on their actions – not on their excuses or justifications or inner struggles; not on your compassion or your desire to help them or fix them.
- Learn to recognize early warning signs of bullies and act firmly and effectively depending on the situation.
- Do whatever you need to give yourself the motivation, determination, strength and courage to get bullies out of your space. Jeri needed to label him as “a bully” or “evil” in order to act. Suzie situation was just the opposite. While she needed to label him as evil in order to act, she had too kind a heart to judge someone’s identity so strongly and permanently. The solution for her was not to judge his identity but to evaluate his personality – based on his actions – and decide to clear her personal space of a predator.
- It’s not about a person being good or bad. You don’t have to judge their identity. It’s about what behavior do you want in your space. If he behaves the way you want, he can stay. If not, he has to go. Then you have space to welcome a boyfriend who treats you better.
Simple. Clear. Not necessarily easy.
The best way to learn to recognize the early warning signs of bullies and to clear your personal space is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and counseling so you can:
- Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.
- Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to deal with the specific situation you’re in.
Read my new Kindle book, “How to Stop Sneaky Bullies.” Also, since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert coaching by phone or Skype.