With bullies, narcissists, toxic adult children, steps toward reconciliation

Ellen (fictitious name) knew her bullying, abusive, narcissistic, 40-year-old daughter couldn’t be trusted. A few times early on, she’d said she was sorry and sounded sincere, but her toxic behavior never changed. A minute later she did what she’d just apologized for.

How could Ellen take any steps toward reconciliation?

Ever since she’d been a child, Ellen’s daughter would throw fits when she didn’t get what she wanted. The girl was demanding and entitled. She repeatedly told Ellen that Ellen was selfish, mean and controlling. She was a lousy mother who wouldn’t ever help her daughter. Ellen knew that was not true. If anything, she’d given too much to her daughter and protected her from the trouble she’d gotten into at school.

After her daughter had left for college and then married, her attacks on Ellen had increased, both in private and then in public. When Ellen didn’t agree with everything her daughter wanted, her daughter yelled, cursed and even shoved Ellen. When she came to Ellen’s house, she stole some of Ellen’s precious, sentimental stuff. And she “accidentally” broke many things Ellen had valued. She lied to the extended family about the things Ellen had done, including that Ellen had slapped and kicked her.

Every time Ellen apologized for things she hadn’t done or reached out to try to heal the breach between them, her daughter had gloated and attacked Ellen more. She said Ellen deserved anything her daughter wanted to do to her. She was in charge now.

To decrease her pain, Ellen had stopped seeing her daughter.

But Ellen worried, “What if her daughter said she was sorry, and sounded sincere?”

How could she trust her daughter and reconcile with her? Ellen knew, anyone can pretend to be sincere if they want to. Apologies are never enough. Ellen decided she would never trust her daughter’s words by themselves. But she could trust a four-step process by which her daughter could prove that she would, indeed, do better.

1. Remorse – Ellen decided her daughter would not only apologize but ask Ellen what she could do to prove that she’d had a change of heart. Notice how that changes the dynamic of who has the power and control. Now, her daughter would have to please Ellen, would have to earn her way back into Ellen’s good graces instead of the other way around.

2. Reveal – More than a simple, private apology, Ellen would insist her daughter make a complete and public confession of the lies and deceit she’d told. She’d detail the attacks and the backstabbing rumors she’d told the whole family to convert them into her supporters. She wouldn’t defend herself with reasons, excuses, good intentions or justifications. She’d have to do that with all of the family (including her husband and Ellen) together, not one-to-one. The same with the friends to whom she’d bad-mouthed Ellen.

3. Redemptive Action – She had to be willing to show that she’d changed by doing what Ellen needed in order to make up for the pain and harm she’d caused Ellen. For example, she wouldn’t pretend everything was just fine or the problems were Ellen’s fault. She’d call Ellen once a month and ask about Ellen, instead of only talking about herself. She wouldn’t ask Ellen for things. She’d be fine if Ellen didn’t give her anything. She’d treat Ellen the way Ellen wanted, over a long time and without reward.

4. Reconciliation – Only then, would Ellen consider reconciliation. Ellen would decide what form the future relationship would take. If her daughter didn’t change, Ellen could still forgive her; she still saw her daughter’s potential and would pray for that better side of her. Forgiveness was for Ellen’s peace of mind. Ellen could forgive and still decide she wouldn’t have anything to do with her daughter. They wouldn’t have a real and close relationship until her daughter had proved she’d changed.

Ellen’s daughter was shocked and angry by Ellen’s conditions.

She attacked Ellen with the usual responses such people have. Who was Ellen to decide what her daughter had to do? Ellen was heartless, not-forgiving, vindictive and spiteful; Ellen was a bad person. Ellen was not in control. A good mother always reached out to her daughter. Ellen had to submit or she’d never see her grandchildren. And she hung up in a rage.

Ellen knew that when she thought her daughter would never do anything Ellen wanted, she was telling herself what she really knew about her daughter.

She knew her daughter was unrepentant and intending to continue the same behavior. She wasn’t trying to control her daughter. But she was determined to control what she allowed to get near her. Ellen knew that since her daughter wouldn’t change, she had to protect herself by keeping her away. Now the responsibility for reaching out nicely was her daughter’s. She had to make the first good move.

Ellen’s calm insistence, her willingness to not see her daughter and a change in her will had a big effect on her daughter. Her daughter could now see there were big consequences for attacking Ellen.

By the way, this process is also effective with ex-spouses, toxic parents and supposed friends.

Of course, there are many complications depending on your situation. The best way to learn how to take power in your life and to be the person you want to be is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and counseling so you can:

1. Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.

2. Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to create the life your spirit has always hungered for.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert counseling and coaching by phone or Zoom or Skype.

Bullies, narcissists, toxic adult children play by their rules; yours don’t matter

Dora (fictitious name) thought she was a failure. Her job had been to teach her daughter why polite, civil, nice behavior mattered, why empathy, compassion, sympathy and understanding were important. Dora thought these rules about normal behavior were so clear that anyone should understand them. But her daughter never seemed to understand. Clearly, Dora wasn’t a good enough teacher. She felt guilty and ashamed about how her daughter had turned out.

Her 40-year-old daughter was relentlessly critical, mean and nasty to Dora. She had always been bullying, abusive and toxic. When young, the girl had been diagnosed as a narcissist, but Dora had always thought she could change her. Whenever Dora tried to explain the normal rules or to state her boundaries, her daughter laughed at her and attacked her more viciously. When challenged, her daughter said only her rules mattered, and she had plenty of reasons and justifications for how she treated Dora. Her behavior was all Dora’s fault. Dora deserved whatever her daughter felt like dumping on her.

Clearly, Dora’s rules didn’t matter to her daughter.

Dora finally realized her reasoning, debating, arguing, trying to prove she was right were a waste of her time and energy.

Her daughter didn’t care what Dora thought or the evidence Dora used to prove her daughter was wrong about what she claimed. Her daughter wanted to continue doing what she was doing; she wouldn’t be talked out of it.

Dora finally came up with the excuse that her daughter simply didn’t understand how much pain she was causing Dora.

Dora also tried to excuse the behavior by thinking her daughter had low EQ or was on the Autism/Asperger’s Spectrum. But people on the Spectrum don’t set out to hurt other people. Actually, Dora’s daughter was extremely sensitive to how she could hurt Dora. She knew just how to attack Dora in secret or in her most sensitive “emotional black-blue places.” She was sensitive enough to know what Dora’s triggers were and how to poke them most effectively.

Dora realized her daughter didn’t care about Dora, her rules or her boundaries.

However, she did care very much about what she wanted and what her rules were. And she was addicted to the pleasure she got when she hurt Dora.

What could Dora do?

The first changes she made were internal. She stopped thinking of her daughter in the way she wished her daughter had turned out. She stopped thinking her daughter’s behavior was driven by lack of understanding and empathy, which could be solved by teaching and wisdom. She started thinking of her daughter as addicted to the pleasure she got when she caused Dora pain. That new way of thinking enabled Dora to easily recognize the patterns in her daughter’s behavior

Also, Dora stopped explaining her daughter’s behavior with psycho-analytical words like “insecure, jealous, low self-esteem.” Those words had made Dora relax because she thought she understood and had compassion for her daughter. When Dora had thought in those terms, she minimized pain, and was more vulnerable. Those words didn’t alert her to the extent her daughter hurt her and to the danger of her daughter’s next act to hurt her.

Instead, Dora put her daughter in a special box/category in her mental/emotional space. She kept her compassion and used words like: user, nasty, hater, monster, predator, vulture, addict, etc. Then, she was prepared for what her daughter was likely to do, based on past performance.

Next, she left her shame and guilt behind. She knew the steps her daughter had repeated to become the person she had. There was nothing Dora could have done to change that. It was not her fault.

Next, she started making changes externally. She stopped reasoning, explaining, debating, and trying to convince her daughter that Dora’s rules were better. She stopped treating her daughter like a person with the same rules and values Dora had for how to treat people kindly and nicely. She stopped feeding her daughter’s addiction by being hurt and triggered. She simply shifted to consequences for her daughter.

Of course, there are many complications depending on your situation. The best way to learn how to take power in your life and to be the person you want to be is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and counseling so you can:

1. Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.

2. Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to create the life your spirit has always hungered for.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert counseling and coaching by phone or Zoom or Skype.

With bullies, narcissists, toxic adult children, don’t let hope block your good judgement, discernment

Cora (fictitious name) didn’t know how to reach her 35-year-old son and make him understand how many lies he’d told and how much pain he was causing her. She’d never accepted that he actually wanted to hurt her, control her and get everything she had.

He was bullying, abusive and toxic. When other people were around, he was sneaky; he disguised his relentless criticism of her as jokes. He was extremely righteous in his anger. He was a covert narcissist. Even when Cora gave him all the money he wanted, his verbal and emotional beatings continued. She realized her giving was self-defeating.

When he was younger, he’d been diagnosed as a narcissist with sociopathic tendencies, but Cora believed that with enough love and kindness, he’d finally understand how much she’d loved and cared for him. Then he’d trust her, appreciate her and treat her like a good, loving son should.

Cora kept saying she had to have hope.

Her problem was that while she was keeping hope alive, she kept reaching out and giving him what he wanted; material goods and a scapegoat to beat. She justified that by telling herself that the most important thing was that he’d know she still loved him. But eventually, she realized her giving hadn’t changed his cruelty.

Eventually Cora realized he knew she loved him; he actually counted on the fact that she loved him. When she kept reaching out nicely, lovingly, he was filled with glee because he knew she was still willing to endure pain and suffering. He knew her kindness was an invitation to bully, abuse and manipulate her. She’d still take it and keep coming back for more.

The real question for Cora was, “What do you do while you keep hope alive and you’re waiting for a miracle to transform his heart?”

Often, when we love, we let hope cloud our judgment, blind us to reality, cling to wishful thinking. Finally, she realized that she couldn’t fix the problem from inside the family dynamic. She had to wait until his heart changed before anything she did could help him.

Cora understood that she didn’t need to give up hope or even wishful thinking. She just needed to stop giving him permission to abuse her. She had to protect herself from evil. She had to love him from afar. She could still use prayer and candles. She realized that if “love” meant to her that she must allow him to use her and beat her, her definition of love was really her instructions for self-harm, her instructions for how to be a martyr.

She realized she was ruining her son by enabling him to stay delusional, mean, nasty and cruel, and get rewarded for that attitude and behavior.

Her help encouraged the opposite effect from the one she wanted. She’d been feeding a monster and keeping it alive. Her son was addicted to blaming everything wrong in his life on her and causing her pain. By accepting his abusive treatment of her, she was supplying an addict with his drug of choice. Continuing to enable him would only encourage his addiction, not stop it.

With relentless bullies, narcissists, toxic adult children, you can’t keep the door open a little, hoping you can control the situation.

Cora had hoped she could contain the pain and chaos he brought into her life. Cora’s former therapist had said she must keep the door open; she must build a little bridge. For example, she’d be safe if she saw him only in public places or if there were other people around.

The little-bridge theory had never worked because, for relentless bullies and narcissists, it’s all-or-none. They’ll use the tiniest crack of an open door. Any contact with him put her in the line of fire.

Over the years, the little opening she’d kept had allowed him to hurt her with a thousand cuts. He’d made sneaky put-downs about his horrible childhood; how abandoned and neglected he’d felt. He’d provoked her until she’d gotten angry. Then he’d openly attacked her for her anger; his life had been ruined because his mother was always angry.

Cora had been humiliated and trapped in front of everyone. He’d spread lies about what she’d had done to him so other people would feel sorry for him. Every time Cora had tried to defend herself with facts, he’d accused her of hurting his feelings and destroying his self-esteem when he’d been growing up.

Cora decided to close the door until he’d proven to her, over time, without reward that a miracle had occurred; his heart had been changed.

Now she said, “I love you always, but I don’t like you and the way you treat me, so I won’t see you until you prove to me that you’ve changed.”

Of course, there are many complications depending on your situation. The best way to learn how to take power in your life and to be the person you want to be is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and counseling so you can:

1. Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.

2. Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to create the life your spirit has always hungered for.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert counseling and coaching by phone or Zoom or Skype.

Stop Self-Bullying: For people who were never (good) enough

Betty (fictitious name) kept trying to make her adult son happy but nothing she did was ever enough for him. Every conversation began with him listing all her failures. His negativity and criticism got louder and angrier as he talked. He was bullying, abusive and toxic. His focus was totally on her failures.

She would never consider suggesting that any of the things he said that were simply false, mean and cruel; that would be selfish and aggressive of her. She’d been taught that her repressed anger at his treatment of her was proof that she was the problem.

When Betty got honest, she admitted her parents, her siblings and her husband had treated her the same way.

She was never good enough to please any of them. Betty had always accepted 100% of the responsibility for any bad feelings or problems her parents, her siblings, her husband and her son had. The questions that seemed natural to her were, “It’s my fault. What did I do wrong? How can I try harder and give more?”

Betty realized, as a little child, she’d accepted the messages she’d been given in many forms:

• Your job is to serve others, not yourself.

• No matter how much you do, it’s never good enough.

• If you do enough, you might finally be loved, accepted, praised, appreciated, seen, heard, you might finally belong in our family.

• To whom much is given, much is required. Therefore, much is required of you.

• Shame on you, Betty, you’re simply not nice or kind or competent enough.

• If you feel good, if you’re happy, if you relax, if you do things for yourself, you’re selfish and you’ll get a swelled head.

Betty had never been allowed to simply Be; she must keep doing and serving all the time.

She realized she’d never relaxed, enjoyed or treated herself. Her breathing was strangled, her jaw and shoulders were permanently clenched. She felt like a hamster on one of those wheels; running harder and harder but never getting anywhere, doomed to be a failure. She’d always be criticized, shunned and abandoned no matter how much she tried.

Of course, Betty grew up desperate to be accepted, to belong in her family. But no matter how much she tried to serve and please them, no matter how successful she became in the outer world, her family kept putting her down as not enough.

Betty changed when she found her true Self and began to feel whole.

She realized she belonged to herself, as much as she’d been tormented, bullied and abused, an essential part of her was not damaged. When she accepted herself, her whole body relaxed. She said it felt like Grace. She stopped focusing on what she’d done wrong or why she wasn’t good enough for her family. Instead of self-questioning and self-doubt, instead of self-bullying, she began focusing on the outside world and what she wanted to do, not on what they told her she should do for them.

She was amazed at how relaxed and peaceful she became as she began to explore doing what made her happy, what made her Spirit rise. She was amazed at how free and airy she felt when she started ignoring their opinions of her worth. She accepted that she was “the Ugly Duckling” who was really a swan. Trying to serve them better, she had learned to be extremely competent. Also, she was a kind, caring person. They were selfish, abusive narcissists.

They were not her people. As hard as it seemed to do, she began to go looking for her people.

Of course, there are many complications depending on your situation. The best way to learn how to take power in your life and to be the person you want to be is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and counseling so you can:

1. Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.

2. Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to create the life your spirit has always hungered for.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert counseling and coaching by phone or Zoom or Skype.

Facing bullies, narcissists, toxic adult children, ignore what you were told growing up

Alice (fictitious name) could never get her toxic, adult son to understand how hurtful and out of control his behavior was, especially in public. In front of the extended family at holiday gatherings or even guests in a restaurant, he would be super-critical, sarcastic and nasty. He loudly called her a horrible mother who never loved him and who’d ruined his life. Nothing she ever did was good enough.

She knew he was bullying, abusive and narcissistic, but she felt trapped. She’d never make a scene, even though he’d never accept all the examples she presented of what she’d done for him and the verbal abuse that she’d tolerated. She always tried to set an example of loving kindness, compassion and forbearance. But he never followed her example.

Then she realized that her parents had treated her the same way, only quieter and more manipulative with their guilt trips and their certainty about what was proper behavior for her. And her husband and some supposed friends had also pushed her against the old rules she had about what was proper behavior, and how she was allowed to respond to bullying and abuse.

Growing up, Alice had been taught by her parents, teachers and people at church:

• Be nice, give people what they want, and people will be nice in return. If you love people enough and make them happy enough, they’ll love you in return.

• Never sink to the level of a nasty person, set a good example of nice, kind, loving behavior. Don’t act in anger; if you do, you’re even worse than they are.

• If you’re five percent responsible, you must clear up all your imperfections first.

• Never say “No” to other people. Put other people first, put yourself last. If you ask for what you want or don’t want, you’re selfish.

• If people haven’t learned to be good to you, you haven’t been teaching good enough. If they don’t respect your wishes, it’s because there’s something wrong with you or the way you ask.

• Never make a scene, always hint what you want to people in the nicest way.

There were many other rules, but you get the idea.

Alice realized that her son and the people who preached those old rules, didn’t follow them.

Alice now knew that they beat those rules into her so they could manipulate and control her. They just used those rules to make Alice be their servant; to use and abuse her. They were thrilled when Alice accepted those rules and put their wishes first and her own feelings last. Alice realized their demands were endless. And she was never allowed to ask for or to do what she wanted. Everyone else came first. She counted only when she was their servant.

What’s wrong with those old ideas, beliefs, rules and roles?

The main problem with all the rules Alice or any of us took in when we were children is that we took them in when we were children; with a child’s understanding of when and where and how to apply them. That means, usually, we took them in as all-or-none, black-or-white. Therefore, we cannot apply them effectively as adults living in an adult world with many people who want what they want and who may or may not care about us.

Those rules, applied as children, are not effective strategies in dealing successfully with the adult world.

Alice finally considered the question, “How old do you have to be before you get to make up your own rules.

Alice started laughing. She said she realized she had to throw out all those old, childhood rules completely from her life. She had to create, as an adult, new, more effective rules about how to act in every area of life and with the different people she met. With some people, she would have the same rules but applied with adult understanding and skill. In other situations, she would have different guidelines. She decided she was old enough to use her own experience and adult wisdom to make up her own mind.

What did Alice do?

She began with her son. She spoke up calmly in public when he started abusing her. She told him she wasn’t accepting that behavior anymore. If he wanted to interact with her, he had to be polite and civil. She openly apologized to guests for her son’s behavior, simply saying that he was entitled and narcissistic, and hadn’t learned good manners. She’d never inflict him on nice people again.

And she acted on those words. She either accepted with good grace his storming off, or she excused herself and left. Then she went no-contact with him for increasing periods of time until he began to behave himself.

Then she turned to her husband and her parents and her supposed friends.

She never debated or argued with them. She said, matter-of-factly, these are my rules and I’m going to act on them.

Of course, there are many complications depending on your situation. The best way to learn how to take power in your life and to be the person you want to be is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and counseling so you can:

1. Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.

2. Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to create the life your spirit has always hungered for.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert counseling and coaching by phone or Zoom or Skype.

With bullies, narcissists, toxic adult children, be prepared to make a scene

Wendy (fictitious name) was so frustrated she almost exploded and told off her daughter in public. Her daughter always provoked Wendy and pushed her to the edge of her politeness. But Wendy held back. Making a scene would be so rude. She’d feel guilty, as if she was a bad person.

Not only in private or in front of the grandchildren, but even at big family occasions, in front of the whole extended family, her daughter was bullying, abusive and toxic. In addition to the eye-rolling and sarcastic remarks, she was critical and demeaning, nasty and cruel. Whenever Wendy didn’t do what her daughter wanted, she called Wendy selfish, demanding, controlling. She loudly and smilingly told everyone that Wendy had never been bright or competent enough, had tried her best but hadn’t been a good enough mother.

Bullies, narcissists, toxic adult children will push you against the boundary of your politeness.

Wendy’s daughter knew Wendy would never argue or retaliate or make a scene in public. She also knew that if Wendy ever got angry, the whole extended family would turn on Wendy for disturbing the family peace, for not being the bigger person. They told Wendy that was just how her daughter was, to be understanding and tolerant, to forgive and forget, don’t be nasty or vindictive, don’t break up the family. If Wendy showed her daughter enough kindness, compassion and love, her daughter would eventually get over her hurt and start loving Wendy in return.

Their acceptance of Wendy’s daughter’s abuse gave her a free pass to be as toxic as she wanted, there would never be any consequences to her.

Wendy was stuck: she was provoked but if she got angry, she’d be attacked for being angry or vindictive.

That is a common tactic of covert, sneaky bullies. Please see the blog post: Bullies, narcissists, toxic adult children provoke you, then attack (http://bulliesbegone.com/blog/2023/9/17/bullies-narcissists-toxic-adult-children-provoke-you-then-attack).

Bullies, narcissists, toxic adult children tell you how far you have to go before they’re willing to listen.

Wendy had accepted her daughter’s bullying and abuse; she’d begged and pleaded with her daughter to be nicer. She explained how much her feelings were being hurt, how much of what her daughter said was untrue, how much was cruel and painful. But those approaches never worked. Wendy’s pain was not a consequence or a deterrence for her daughter. Wendy would have to go much further to get her daughter to listen.

Wendy’s pain and silence were simply aphrodisiacs to her daughter.

Wendy finally acknowledged, deep in her heart, that her daughter enjoyed causing Wendy pain; she enjoyed getting away with stabbing Wendy in the heart. That epiphany changed everything for Wendy. She realized that if she continued keeping her old rule about having to be polite, of never hurting anyone’s feelings, her toxic daughter would always continue to abuse her. Her daughter didn’t have the same rule about what was polite. The only thing that would stop her daughter would be consequences she cared about. That might be other people turning against her.

Wendy decided that protecting herself was more important than taking abuse to be part of a pretend family; she would make a scene.

She would make her hurt feelings the subject of everyone’s talking or she’d learn to make clever come-backs to embarrass her daughter and to get everyone else emotionally on her side. At family gatherings, she started to cry and say, “You’re so mean and cruel. You’re so ungrateful after all I’ve given you.” And, after staring at her daughter in calm silence, “You’re setting an example for your children about bullying and abusing your mother. When they do it to you, remember where they learned it.” When her daughter said that Wendy had yelled at her, Wendy calmly said, “Yes, I was so frustrated. You always provoked me, you were a rotten daughter and needed to learn to be a nicer person.”

When Wendy continued to protect herself in public, and the extended family couldn’t get her to stop, they turned on her daughter.

Of course, there are many complications depending on your situation. The best way to learn how to take power in your life and to be the person you want to be is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and counseling so you can:

1. Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.

2. Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to create the life your spirit has always hungered for.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert counseling and coaching by phone or Zoom or Skype.

With bullies, narcissists, toxic adult children, don’t “accept” them like they want you to

When Vera’s (fictitious name) son was in high school, he started blaming Vera for all his problems. He was negative, critical, sarcastic, and demeaning. He yelled and cursed at her in private and in public. Nothing she ever gave him or did for him was good enough; she was the worst mother ever. The older he got, the more demanding he got. By the time he was 35, he was threatening that she’d never see his children unless she begged his forgiveness and gave him all the money he wanted. And took all his verbal beatings.

He complained and bad-mouthed her, and told lies to all the extended family in order to try to create minions or flying monkeys.

In short, he was greedy, selfish, entitled; he was bullying, abusive and a narcissist. He was toxic to her happiness and well-being.

Vera’s family and friends told her she just had to accept him as he was.

Since her son was so convinced of his righteousness, she must have done something wrong to make him so angry. If she wouldn’t accept how her adult son treated her, she was vindictive, selfish and a grudge-holder. They told her that was just the way her son was and, as a mother, she should just accept him and be the better person.

They had the wrong meaning for the word “accept.”

For them, “accept” meant to put up with, tolerate and overlook his behavior, ignore her own hurt and pain, give up her own sense of truth and accuracy, stop being a person with her own boundaries and sense of dignity, be a martyr, it was her lot in life.

But something in Vera would not accept that view or that treatment. As much as she questioned herself, something in her rebelled. She was worth more than being treated like that. She simply wouldn’t accept it.

A better meaning of the word “accept.”

The hardest part for Vera was to accept the reality of her son’s mean and cruel actions towards her. And to accept that he had radically changed from a person who once loved her to a person who now got most of his pleasure hating her and who was addicted to being mean and cruel. It was like his body had been taken over by aliens. Or he had turned to the dark side.

When she accepted that she hadn’t done anything really bad to him, she could let go of her guilt, self-blame and self-bullying.

Vera also had to accept (trust) her accurate estimation of what he had done to her for years, and what he was likely to do in the future. She also had to accept that she could never change him.

After accepting those bitter pills, she had to decide what she wanted to do about his abusive treatment of her.

Vera decided that if she accepted his bullying behavior, and forgave and forgot, she would just be giving him permission to start tormenting her all over again. He would never have to try to change his ways. She decided she would not put herself in harm’s way for an illusion, a lie called “family” or “love” or “being a bigger person.” Her son’s way of doing family hurt her tremendously. That was not the family or love she wanted.

She told him and the rest of the extended family she was more hurt and offended than he was. She had zero percent of the blame for his treatment of her, he had one hundred percent of the blame. Before she’d accept him in her life, he would have to make public amends and change his behavior toward her. She’d also judge everyone else in the family by what they allowed him to say about her or do to her. She was going to be more stubborn in support of good values and good treatment of people than he was in support of his hatred and acting out. They’d better start telling him that he needed to change and become the bigger person.

Of course, there are many complications depending on your situation. The best way to learn how to take power in your life and to be the person you want to be is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and counseling so you can:

1. Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.

2. Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to create the life your spirit has always hungered for.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert counseling and coaching by phone or Zoom or Skype.

With bullies, narcissists, toxic adult children, don’t forgive and forget

Tammy’s (fictitious name) oldest daughter began openly treating Tammy with contempt and disrespect when the girl was about thirteen. Tammy faced temper tantrums, unrelenting criticism, anger, bullying and abuse from that daughter for the next twenty-five years. Tammy’s other two adult children never behaved like that. They were always reasonable, accommodating, kindly and caring of Tammy’s feelings.

After each episode, Tammy’s extended family and friends said she should “forgive and forget.”

Tammy’s daughter often subjected Tammy to a loud and long silent treatment. After Tammy reached out repeatedly, her daughter would finally relent and say that she was willing to forgive Tammy and they could move forward with a clean slate. The extended family agreed with Tammy that her daughter was obviously a narcissist and had to have her way about everything by controlling Tammy. But they allowed her daughter to be angry, while telling Tammy to deliver everything her daughter wanted, accept all the abuse and never disagree. Her daughter was the most stubborn person and Tammy had to give in to her for the sake of the family. It was just the way that daughter was, and Tammy had to be the bigger person. She should forgive and forget, and try again and again, forever, with that daughter.

Tammy realized, “forgive-and-forget “never worked.

Tammy was finally clear. What her daughter really meant by forgive-and-forget was that Tammy had to pretend the previous thousand beatings didn’t matter, and Tammy had to be willing to subject herself to the next beating whenever her daughter decided to deliver it.

Tammy decided to put the ball in her daughter’s court.

When Tammy got over her self-blame and guilt, she told her daughter she was not going to put up with her behavior anymore. The problem was one hundred percent her daughter’s fault. What her daughter had to do to get back in Tammy’s world was:

1. Say she’d been behaving despicably. Confess that she was sorry.

2. Confess that she was sorry.

3. Say she loved Tammy.

4. Describe specific ways she would act differently so they could move forward together in a new way.

5. Prove to Tammy that she could act differently over time.

And Tammy gave her a list of new behaviors when the next situations happened. If her daughter did what Tammy wanted, Tammy also pledged not to beat her daughter up with every past incident and hurt feeling.

Tammy sent to everyone in the extended family a copy of what she’d told and written to her daughter. She told the family that moving forward, she was going to be the most stubborn person.

Tammy’s daughter threw a huge fit and complained to the whole family.

Of course, she threatened that she’d never allow Tammy to see her beloved grandchildren.

This was about what standards of behavior they would allow in their lives.

Tammy had prepared the family with the choice they had. This was not about which person they favored. Tammy was insisting that good behavior was more important than allowing someone in the family to abuse someone else they loved. She would no longer pretend to accept her daughter’s beatings, as if that behavior was okay. Pretend family was less important than real behavior.

Of course, many people in the family were horrified at Tammy’s choice and tried to plead or argue with her. They said, “Life is too short to upset the family unit.” Tammy replied that her life was too short to accept any more beatings. As they realized Tammy was, indeed, the most stubborn person, almost all told her daughter she had to change to maintain the family. Her daughter was faced with the choice of being blamed and excluded or changing her behavior.

1. Of course, there are many complications depending on your situation. The best way to learn how to take power in your life and to be the person you want to be is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and counseling so you can:

2. Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.

3. Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to create the life your spirit has always hungered for.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert counseling and coaching by phone or Zoom or Skype.

To bullies, narcissists, toxic adult children, you’re “The Help”

Sally (fictitious name) finally had a compelling image to describe how her adult daughter treated her: Sally was “The Help.” With all its connotations and meanings, it was heart-breaking, but it was accurate.

Sally realized her daughter was a selfish, greedy, entitled narcissist.

According to her daughter, the focus of Sally’s life should be on making her daughter’s life easier…in every way and at any time her daughter wanted. Her daughter and son-in-law made lots of money, but they expected Sally to buy them everything they needed. Her daughter demanded a six-figure wedding and Sally was not allowed to invite her friends. Also, they expected Sally to give them the down payment for the fancy house they wanted, buy them cars and pay for their vacations. Sally was supposed to take care of her wants and needs before doing anything for her adult brother and his family. They expected Sally to spend all her savings and retirement money on them. After all, they said, it was theirs and they might as well start using it now rather than waiting until after Sally died.

Her daughter was controlling, demanding and bullying. If Sally ever hesitated or resisted, her daughter demanded to review Sally’s schedule and made changes so Sally could serve her daughter. If her daughter suddenly wanted to go to lunch with a friend or to get a pedicure, Sally had to drop everything and race 45 minutes over to the daughter’s house to baby sit for her 2-year-old granddaughter.

It was never convenient for her daughter to have lunch with Sally or to treat Sally to anything or to show up for Sally’s birthday party. Her daughter never appreciated anything Sally did; her daughter expected it. When her daughter was sick with the flu, after Sally had spent a week at her daughter’s house, cooking, cleaning, taking care of the baby and serving her daughter’s every whim, her daughter was angry that no one had helped her. Sally’s efforts didn’t count toward her daughter keeping score of who loved her. Sally was The Help; she was expected to serve.

In sum, her daughter was whining, complaining, bullying and abusive to Sally.

Sally allowed herself to feel the pain when she realized that to her daughter, Sally was only there to be used and abused. To her daughter, Sally had no value as a human being or even as a mother. Her only value was as a servant who was supposed to put her daughter’s wants before her own.

Once, when Sally said she had made a previous commitment she didn’t want to break, her daughter exploded. She was too stressed out, her life would be ruined if Sally didn’t love her enough to do what she wanted. If Sally wasn’t there to help her, she and her husband might as well move away since there was no reason to stay near Sally. And Sally would never see her beloved granddaughter again.

Sally recalled hundreds of incidents, beginning when her daughter was very young, when the girl expected to be waited on, would never lift a finger to help and never show any gratitude. Sally was always walking on eggshells around her daughter. Being with her was never a good time.

The contrast to Sally’s adult son was what made Sally see that her daughter had chosen to treat Sally as “The Help.” Her son and his wife never demanded anything and were thankful for everything Sally did. They called Sally, sent her photos of their kids and treated Sally to fun times with them.

Sally started saying “No.”

She started telling her daughter that her plans were just as important to her as her daughter’s demands. She started telling her daughter that her daughter had to adjust to Sally’s schedule. But Sally had been mad before and had yelled those things. Her daughter simply ignored what Sally said.

Before, Sally had always felt guilty and given in and done what her daughter wanted. But this time Sally was different. She was calm and smiling. She stopped trying to teach her daughter, and she stopped debating and trying to get her daughter’s acceptance of her boundaries. This time Sally did what she’d said. When her daughter threw temper tantrums and started cursing, Sally applied consequences by increasing her “No.” And she stopped giving in to her guilt.

Of course, there are many complications depending on your situation. The best way to learn how to take power in your life and to be the person you want to be is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and counseling so you can:

1. Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.

2. Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to create the life your spirit has always hungered for.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert counseling and coaching by phone or Zoom or Skype.

With bullies, narcissists, toxic adult children: Setting boundaries requires consequences

Ruth (fictitious name) had been unable to set boundaries with her 33-year-old daughter for decades, but her daughter simply wouldn’t agree to Ruth’s boundaries. Then Ruth realized she had the same problem with her mother and her husband.

No matter how many times Ruth explained how hurt she’d been and what she needed, they wouldn’t accept her reasoning, explanations or cries of pain. It was as if they didn’t care how she felt or what she wanted.

Those narcissists continued to control, bully and abuse her. They used her as their personal servant. Her job was to serve them and make them happy. Her wants, needs and happiness didn’t matter. Only their wishes counted. When she said she didn’t want to do something or when she objected to their treatment of her, they said she was too selfish or too sensitive. That emotional blackmail had worked all her life. They said that since they disagreed with the boundaries she was trying to set, they could ignore what she wanted.

Ruth had spent a lifetime trying to get them to listen, to understand and to accept her boundaries.

But they never understood or listened. Their negativity, criticism, put-downs, bullying and abuse continued unabated. Their demands on her time, energy and sometimes money escalated every time she said she was willing to listen to their side of things.

Surely, Ruth thought, they didn’t understand how much pain she was feeling, how trapped she felt. If only she could find the right words, they’d understand and then listen to her.

Surely, they must be right. She was the common denominator; she must be overly sensitive and very selfish since she wanted to put her wishes first. How could she make them so unhappy? Every time she thought of resisting, she felt so guilty.

With coaching, Ruth realized they simply wanted their own way; they didn’t want to stop using and abusing her.

When Ruth examined her history with them, she realized they knew perfectly well what they were demanding and doing. In fact, whenever she wanted to do anything for herself, they made sure they blocked Ruth’s attempt. Their demands were perfectly timed and cleverly phrased so she had to give up what she wanted and, instead, serve what they wanted. Whether they were doing it consciously or simply out of habit, the pattern was clear.

To Ruth, it felt mean and cruel.

Setting boundaries depends only on you and requires consequences.

Setting boundaries does not require that they understand or agree. Setting boundaries is unilateral; it’s 100 percent you. You begin with what you want or don’t want. You decide and then you act. Of course, as a nice person, Ruth will still take them into account, but always according to Ruth’s standards and values.

There’s a simple three-step process.

1. First, Ruth decided what to do or not do. Sometimes, she told them, sometimes she didn’t. Her time and energy were hers, to do with as she wanted.

2. When she thought it was useful, she told them the consequences if they didn’t listen to her.

3. Then, calmly and with a smile, she simply applied the consequences. She didn’t try to educate, debate or argue cleverly enough that they agreed to accept what she wanted.

If they disagreed with her decisions, she smiled and simply did what she said she would. Sometimes, she even allowed herself to make up new consequences on the spot. When they said that was unfair, she laughed and said she felt comfortable doing what she wanted. When they said she was selfish, she smilingly said she was the giver and they were selfish in their demands. When they said they would not see her again, she said that was their choice. Her choice was to do what she’d said.

A few examples:

• When her adult daughter yelled at her because Ruth didn’t give her money to enjoy a long weekend vacation, Ruth simply said she wasn’t going to listen to temper tantrums. And Ruth hung up, and then didn’t answer her daughter’s calls until three days later when her daughter started being nice on her voice messages.

• When her mother insisted that Ruth drop everything and drive an hour to pick her up and take her shopping right away, Ruth said she already had an appointment and wasn’t going to cancel it. When her mother started arguing, Ruth gave her the phone number of a local supermarket that would deliver food. Then Ruth went to her appointment.

• Ruth told her husband she had a big work project to do at home that evening, so she needed peace and quiet. As was his usual pattern, he changed his plans and showed up suddenly with friends to watch some sports. He demanded she prepare food for them. She packed her work and left to do what she had to. And didn’t come back until the next day.

At first, they tried lots of different tactics to beat her into submission. Then, they tried to manipulate and guilt-trip her. But as she calmly and smilingly increased the consequences, her mother and her adult daughter demanded less and gave back more. Her husband still refused to listen. What she did to him is another story.

Of course, there are many complications depending on your situation. The best way to learn how to take power in your life and to be the person you want to be is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and counseling so you can:

1. Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.

2. Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to create the life your spirit has always hungered for.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert counseling and coaching by phone or Zoom or Skype.

Leave bullies, narcissists, toxic adult children: find your tribe

Paula (fictitious name) realized she’d felt alone and lonely all her life.

She’d been the designated scapegoat in her family. Her father had been verbally cruel and physically abusive all her life, even on his death bed. Her narcissistic mother had rejected her and allowed her siblings to do whatever they wanted to her. The siblings, narcissists themselves, had bullied and tormented her, blamed everything they did on her and convinced her that if she resisted, they’d punish her more. No matter what she did, she could never please them enough to get any caring, appreciation or respect for who she was or what she wanted. She was the outsider; alone and lonely.

Her husband treated her the same way. Everything wrong was her fault, and she was guilty for disagreeing with him or displeasing him. Her three adult children were even worse to her. Although she always tried to set an example of giving, loving and service, they followed their father’s example. The milk of human kindness was never offered to her, only the back of their hands or their demanding, forked tongues. They tried to force her to drink their cup of poison. She was never good enough. Her anger at their treatment was proof that she was a bad, selfish person, and deserved all the pain they inflicted on her. Again, she felt totally alone; rejected and abandoned.

Paula realized that she’d been battered and bruised but never defeated.

Amazingly, Paula’s Spirit was still intact and strong. Even though she felt desperate to bond with her biological family, more strong were her feelings of dislike and anger at what they’d done and continued to do to her. She knew, deep in her heart-of-hearts, the fault was theirs. She never deserved their treatment of her.

She wrote and then told her life story as an escape from prison and torture.

Paula even created a free-form dance that went from one end of her house to the other – moving from the prison of their abuse, her old rules and desperation to win them, to the chosen freedom to be her unique and authentic self.

Her sense of herself was strengthened when she gave herself permission to acknowledge the truth she knew. No wonder she’d felt alone, rejected and vulnerable all her life. She’d been the “Ugly Duckling” in her biological family. Except for one aunt and uncle, her bio-family was intent on pecking her to death. That’s what ducks and chickens do to the one they designate as different or weak. It’s in their nature, and they take great pleasure in destroying that scapegoat. They bond through their hatred and attacks.

When she felt her life as a struggle to escape from prison and torture, to escape from ducks who would peck her to death, she became mentally, emotionally and spiritually freed to leave her prison and go find other swans – her true family.

She forgave them and herself, and stopped begging, stopped debating, stopped proving.

She stopped making excuses for their behavior and she stopped trying to win them over. She knew they’d never change, no matter what she did. So instead of repeating the same old episodes and complaints, she let go of them and of her desire to connect in the magical-thinking ways she’d hoped she could.

She simply stopped thinking about them except in rare moments, when she was sick or tired or there were family occasions that she always avoided. She exchanged holiday cards with the aunt and uncle who defended her and championed her success. She was polite and civil to the ones who belittled and demeaned her, but she wouldn’t engage with them. Their opinions no longer mattered to her. The old family dynamics were boring, and she simply wasn’t interested in playing any more.

She went looking for her tribe, her chosen family.

Being by herself was scary, but she was determined, persevering and full of courage. She took her longing for true family and searched for other swans. She was alone and lonely for a while but that was better than being lonely while surrounded by people who were trying to beat her into the square peg they wanted, to beat her Spirit out of her. She stopped worrying about who would take care of her in her old age or if she’d be alone when she was old. She knew that if she stayed with those ugly ducks, she’d only get taken care of as a prisoner on bread and water, with the love and joy beaten out of her.

Of course, there are many complications depending on your situation. The best way to learn how to take power in your life and to be the person you want to be is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and counseling so you can:

1. Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.

2. Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to create the life your spirit has always hungered for.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert counseling and coaching by phone or Zoom or Skype.

Facing bullies, narcissists, toxic adult children, trust your “Accurate Intuition”

Olive (fictitious name) thought she’d been a loving and devoted parent but her 38-year-old son told her differently. He was critical, sarcastic, mean, cruel and abusive. Any time he wanted something, he repeated all the times she’d disappointed him or hurt his feelings, all the deprivation and pain she’d caused him growing up, all the times she’d yelled at him. She knew there was no deprivation; actually, she’d given him everything. She was sorry she’d yelled at him, but he’d provoked her repeatedly with his complaints, demands and resistance to doing anything she wanted. Simply put; he was a toxic, narcissist.

Olive didn’t trust her own judgment; she could never be sure.

She thought he was the problem, but she certainly could never convince him she’d given him everything she could afford and more. Every time she listed the things she’d done, and the love she’d expressed, he always said it wasn’t enough. His certainty and anger were so convincing, she thought she must be at fault, she must be guilty. When he bullied and attacked her, she felt like she was thrown out of her body; she didn’t have any way of connecting with the truth or with her own feelings.

She could never win an argument with him; he was never convinced. He filibustered and yelled. She could never get a word in to defend herself, so she’d given up and accepted his tirades.

When Olive found her Center, everything changed for her.

When she stayed in her body, when she felt connected to her Authentic Self, she accepted the truth she knew, in her heart-of-hearts. She knew and accepted her accurate opinion of him. She recognized all the times her son had criticized, bullied, abused and provoked her. She knew he was lying to himself. He’d created a fictional story that absolved him from any wrongdoing or from acknowledging his stupid mistakes. In his narrative, all his problems were her fault. Therefore, he was justified in making her pay anyway he wanted to at any moment.

Olive’s history told her that her intuition was accurate.

She remembered that she’d gotten a particular sensation, a physical feeling, whenever he looked at her a certain way. She knew he was about to go crazy and abuse her. She just wanted to run away. She remembered that she’d gotten this same sensation many times about him and also about her mother and a few men she’d dated and even about her husband. The sensation was not an emotional feeling, it was physical.

She also knew that every time she’d talked herself out of accepting that sensation as accurate (because she couldn’t prove what she knew in a court, because she didn’t want to believe she could sense other people accurately, that she couldn’t believe they’d really do bad things to her), she had paid a high price. Growing up, she knew her survival required that she ignore that knowing, those warnings, and accept the blame and keep her mouth shut or else.

Now she knew the sensation was always right, it was always accurate. She’d had similar feelings when she was full of hope for something good or full of fear that something bad might happen, but those feelings were not identical to the accurate one.

Olive decided to trust that sensation.

She knew that now she was an adult she could trust herself and act on what she knew to be accurate. She knew her life would be much better if she listened to that sensation and stayed in her body. She decided to trust her accurate intuition that her son was a nasty bully and nothing she could do, no amount of love and niceness or giving would change his attitude toward her. Then she began to think of the best way to do what her accurate intuition told her.

That meant cutting any economic ties to her son. She told him she’d never talk about money, and she’d never give him any money. Also, she would never allow him to verbally assault her or guilt-trip her. Their relationship would have to be based only on their desire to see each other and have a good time together.

Of course, there are many complications depending on your situation. The best way to learn how to take power in your life and to be the person you want to be is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and counseling so you can:

1. Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.

2. Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to create the life your spirit has always hungered for.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert counseling and coaching by phone or Zoom or Skype.

Bullies, narcissists, toxic adult children: Watch who they marry

Nelly (fictitious name) thought she didn’t even know her 26-year-old son anymore; he was so different since he’d gotten married. In his senior year of college, he’d met a girl and within two months they’d gotten married. He said he couldn’t say, “No,” because she’d pursued him desperately and relentlessly; she loved him so much.

Her mother had been very eager for them to get married. Her mom said she was sensitive and fragile, and he had to give her whatever she wanted.

Nelly met her for the first time at their wedding, which was a fiasco for Nelly. The girl and her mother had arranged everything. None of Nelly’s family was allowed to attend. Her son said he knew he had to go along with their plans or his new wife-to-be would be devastated, throw a fit, threaten suicide, and it would be his fault for not cooperating. He confided that the best thing he could do was to go along with everything she wanted.

After that, her son’s wife made him move across the country to be near her mother. Three children followed in rapid succession. Nelly soon learned that every contact she made with her son led to his wife being easily offended. Imagined and minor slights were blown up, and she was always angry at Nelly. Her son told her his relationship with Nelly was too close; he needed to break away from her to become a man. Therefore, Nelly was not allowed to visit; all holidays were with his wife’s mother. He said his wife would raise their children her way; any help or advice from Nelly was unasked for and not wanted. If Nelly wanted to set up an appointment to see them and the babies, she was being too pushy and controlling. But his wife’s mother could come over any time, and then move in with them so the two of them could help Nelly’s son learn how to be a dutiful husband.

I always observe who people marry.

Nelly’s son had married someone who was intent on isolating him from his mother and the rest of his family. His wife was controlling, bullying, abusive and narcissistic.

Why had he married her and accepted her rules and control? Somewhere, latent within him had been the willingness to be agreeable, rescuing and controlled. Over a few years, and with three children as leverage, she’d magnified and converted Nelly’s son’s willingness to be nice and to please his wife, his unwillingness to argue and resist, into the resentment, nastiness and cruelty that had taken over his personality and his life. He was no longer a nice, sweet, kind person. He was a shell of his former self, acting out his wife’s need to hate and control. He gave up the values and life he’d wanted, and for the sake of a little peace and quiet, became a slave to his wife.

Analyzing “why” he’d done that is a waste of time.

Nelly’s son did not choose someone who wanted to support and encourage the strong family ties he once had the person and he wanted to become. Analyzing what caused her son to become such a slave is a waste of time. So is diagnosing his wife or searching for why she and her mother had become the toxic controllers they were. None of those guesses or explanations will help Nelly change the situation. Her son is committed and won’t hear anything against his wife. At this point, he won’t leave the children.

Also, guilt, self-recrimination and self-bullying won’t help Nelly.

What can Nelly do to save her son and her grandchildren?

She can’t save them. So long as her son gives control of his life to his wife, Nelly can’t intervene. If she tries, her son will be ordered to get a restraining order against her and to estrange completely from her.

All she can do is minimize contact with them in order to minimize the pain they cause her. She can send presents in large boxes to her grandchildren, no matter what her daughter-in-law says. She can pray for a miracle and hope and wait. Someday, maybe, her son will come to her with a get-away plan and a request for help. Then she’ll see what she can do.

In the meantime, Nelly has an excruciating task: To make her life as wonderful as she can while her heart is breaking. She’s not the first mother to have done that.

Of course, there are many complications depending on your situation. The best way to learn how to take power in your life and to be the person you want to be is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and counseling so you can:

1. Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.

2. Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to create the life your spirit has always hungered for.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert counseling and coaching by phone or Zoom or Skype.

To bullies, narcissists, toxic adult children, their story is addictive

Mary (fictitious name) couldn’t believe her 33-year-old daughter’s lies and “false memories.” She accused Mary of abusing her when she was growing up, of being hyper-critical, of depriving her of birthday and Christmas presents, of never supporting her through high school and college.

At first, Mary defended herself factually, reasonably and logically, kindly and compassionately. She showed her daughter pictures of parties and presents, and reminded her daughter of the times she bailed her daughter out of the trouble she’d gotten herself in, and of the time, effort and money she’d spent to get her daughter through high school and college. That evidence only made her daughter angrier.

Mary followed the advice of friends and supposed experts: always take the blame; always apologize; always keep reaching out and asking for forgiveness, even though the accusations were false.

But that tactic never worked. No apology was ever enough. And after every apology, her daughter’s bullying and abuse got worse. Her demands escalated. When Mary protested against her daughter’s demands, her daughter finally accused Mary of sexually molesting her.

Of course, none of the accusations was true. The only abuser in the family had been Mary’s critical, narcissistic, emotionally and physically bullying ex-husband.

To bullies, narcissists, toxic adult children, their story is addictive.

They believe their story is absolutely true. Their story explains all their problems and relieves them of any responsibility for their poor choices and bad behavior. They ignore facts that contradict their life story.

Mary saw that “addiction” was an accurate word for her daughter’s behavior. Her daughter clung to her story like an addict clinging to a fix. It was the most important thing in the world to her. She was a fanatic defending her addictive story.

They are convinced they are without sin; they delight in casting as many stones as they can.

Her Daughter got pleasure from her hatred and righteous anger. And she could get a fix any time by simply re-experiencing the memories and hurts she’d invented. She also got a rush of pleasure of being cruel and vindictive to Mary in any way she wanted. She even wished that Mary would die right then and leave her Mary’s money and home. Not even Mary’s death would be enough to pay back all the (false) things Mary had done to her.

Mary questioned, “Did her daughter really believe her lies?”

Finally, Mary realized two things:

1. Somewhere deep in her daughter, she knew the truth. Every once in a while, Mary saw her daughter smirk when she caused Mary pain and when Mary groveled. And then her daughter would put her mask right back on. Her daughter’s mask was the hatred of a true believer in a cult. In her daughter’s story, Mary was the enemy, the infidel, her daughter had sworn to destroy.

2. The question didn’t matter. Mary could never get past the mask of hatred to find her daughter’s conscience. She could never rescue the daughter she loved from her addiction.

Mary knew she hadn’t been perfect, but so what?

Mary had often indulged in self-bullying: “Maybe, she shouldn’t have divorced her mentally and physically abusive husband, despite his cruelty and abuse to Mary and their daughter. Maybe, she’d given her daughter too much praise and freedom, and not enough discipline. Maybe, it was her fault her daughter was spoiled rotten.”

But Mary was able to pull herself out of guilt and self-recrimination. Her daughter had chosen the path of addictive anger, of an addictive story that fed her sense of righteousness, that justified her trying to get everyone she knew on her side against Mary. She also realized her daughter had chosen a partner who eagerly believed her stories and encouraged her to be cruel to Mary.

Even more, Mary realized that the whole idea of her having to be perfect in order to be respected and loved, to be treated politely and kindly was nonsense. Mary was well within a range of caring, good parents. It was the selfish, self-centered bullies, narcissists and adult children who claimed that their parents were supposed to give them what they wanted and to make them happy all the time. They thought they were entitled to their idea of “perfect” parents and if they didn’t get the perfection they sought, they were completely justified in doing whatever they wanted to make the parents suffer and submit. To them, causing pain was a just punishment.

They never thought about their responsibility to be good children or people. Or they believed they always were.

What did Mary do?

Her choices:

1. She could follow the advice of friends and supposed experts, and keep apologizing, keep accepting the demands and abuse in the hope that one day her daughter would wake up cured, conscience stricken, and apologize and change.

2. She could follow her own spirit and say, “Enough.” She knew the mental and emotional beatings were destroying her Spirit. With compassion and determination, she could demand her daughter treat her politely and civilly or she wouldn’t allow her in her personal, mental or emotional space. She could demand that her daughter prove her good intentions over time and without reward. If her daughter would not make amends, Mary would keep her out of her life.

Mary decided on the second course of action. She knew, deep in her heart, that path was the only chance she had to make the wonderful, bully-free life she wanted to live. Even though she was afraid of where the path of hate would take her daughter, Mary also knew if she didn’t set clear and firm boundaries, if she continued to rescue and enable her daughter, she would doom her daughter to a life of addiction.

Of course, there are many complications depending on your situation. The best way to learn how to take power in your life and to be the person you want to be is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and counseling so you can:

1. Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.

2. Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to create the life your spirit has always hungered for.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert counseling and coaching by phone or Zoom or Skype.

Facing bullies, narcissists, toxic adult children, stand up for your personal and family rules

Kari (fictitious name) was successful when facing difficult, bullying, narcissistic people in her business life but couldn’t stand up to her selfish, entitled, abusive, toxic adult son.

After she’d divorced his alcoholic, bullying, selfish, abusive father she’d worked hard to prove that she could make it in life without him, to give her son everything he wanted. Her son had demanded and taken everything she’d sacrificed for but once he didn’t need her money, he attacked her cruelly and viciously. He cursed her when he was unhappy and because she ruined his life. Even though she’d given him everything when he was growing up, if she said “No” now, she wasn’t loving and caring enough, she was difficult and demanding, she was selfish and cruel. When he wasn’t yelling at her, he gave her “the loud-silent treatment.”

And to rub it in, he started praising and hanging out with his father, who’d never contributed a penny to him, hadn’t been interested in seeing him when he was growing up, and also bad-mouthed Kari at every opportunity.

Business, personal and family rules.

Kari realized she had a great set of personal rules that helped her maintain productive relationships in her professional life, but she didn’t honor those same rules in her personal life. She laughed with recognition when I told her some of our family rules. They were the same as the ones she used in business and that she wanted in her personal life.

Some of our family rules are:

1. We don’t do melodrama. We just deal with things. No temper-tantrums, hissy-fits, loud-silent treatments, gossip, emotional vomiting, guilt-tripping.

2. We don’t use our feelings to force other people to give in or to dance on eggshells around us. When we disagree, we approach the other person and talk things out. We don’t beat each other into submission, use emotional blackmail, or manipulate, lie or deceive to get what we want. We don’t use hurt feelings, sulking, withdrawal, self-righteous anger, victim attitudes to manipulate other people.

3. We be gracious. That’s the price of admission to our world.

   We don’t be sarcastic or demeaning, or use put-downs; we don’t manipulate, stab-in-the-back, make cutting remarks, set people up to fight, spread gossip. We don’t provoke people and then attack the upset person. We’re not control freaks who demand other people do things our way (the Right Way, the Way it Should be).

4. We take time with each other; we listen, hear, try to understand and know. We promote the real you, not just the perfect image or the perfect personality or the way we want you to be.

5. We don’t give or take things personally. We don’t agree with each other all the time or even on all the important issues, but we can communicate with kindness, caring and a strong intention to have wonderful times together.

6. We get together to make our times interesting and fun. Our relationships are not based on money, submission, enabling or rescuing.

Good behavior is more important than bad blood.

The big shift inside Kari was when she decided that good behavior was more important to her than bad blood. She moved her personal/family interactions into the same space she held for her business relationships. That is, no matter who you are, Kari will let you in her personal space only if you act according to her rules for polite, civilized behavior.

That decision made everything clear, simple and straightforward for Kari. She might not end up with the relationship she wanted with her son, but she’d end up with a personal space that was wonderful to live in, that was bully-free.

How Kari handled her son’s reactions.

When she told her son how she was going to live the rest of her life, he exploded and attacked her even more than usual. He said, “You’re not in charge, you’re destroying the family, I’ll never talk to you again, you’ll never see your grandchildren.”

Kari smiled and calmly said that was the way it was going to be for her, and he could make his own decisions on what kind of person he wanted to be. When he got even more cruel, she said she was going to block him for a month. And she did.

When the month was over, she unblocked him and said she was ready to give him another chance if he wanted to behave better. Whenever she waffled because she wanted to make her son happy and also, because she’d never wanted anyone to be angry at her, she remembered what Winston Churchill said, “You have enemies? Good. That means you've stood up for something, sometime in your life.”

Of course, there are many complications depending on your situation. The best way to learn how to take power in your life and to be the person you want to be is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and counseling so you can:

1. Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.

2. Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to create the life your spirit has always hungered for.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert counseling and coaching by phone or Zoom or Skype.

Will your bullying, narcissistic, toxic adult child destroy your grandchildren?

Janis (fictitious name) worried constantly about her grandchildren. Her daughter had turned against her and was brainwashing the three grandchildren, aged 4-9, to hate Janis. Despite all Janis had done for her daughter before and after her marriage and motherhood, her daughter had yanked the three grandchildren away from Janis. Unless Janis apologized for the thousandth time and did her daughter’s bidding every moment, Janis would never see the children again.

Janis’ daughter had always been difficult and demanding. When she didn’t get what she wanted, she’d throw temper tantrums. She’d yell, curse, and blame Janis for ruining her life. She was bullying, abusive and narcissistic. She’d become even worse after she had the first grandchild. Janis had watch her grandson every day for his first three years while her daughter shopped and played with her friends and her husband. Her daughter was proud and gleeful; now she had a hold over Janis. If Janis ever wanted a break or withheld the money her daughter demanded, her daughter would threaten to withhold Janis’ grandson.

It got worse when the next two grandchildren were born.

Had Janis ever done anything so bad?

No. Janis knew that the worse thing she’d ever done was to give into her daughter when she was growing up because she was afraid of what her daughter would do if Janis really denied her anything, and because Janis had taken a vow to give her children the love and caring she’d never gotten. Later, in order to give her grandchildren love, stability and good values, Janis accepted the bullying and abuse her daughter dished out.

Janis was invulnerable to the horror of her own upbring.

Janis’ parents had been alcoholic, rage-aholic and totally addicted to doing what they wanted, without a thought for their children. Usually, they neglected their children and any attention they gave them was through criticism, put-downs, demands and physical beatings. Except for the one who was the Golden Child: given everything, never asked to do anything and waited upon by all the others. Growing up in the anger and craziness, Janis felt unloved, brutalized and abandoned: Cinderella in her bio-family. But Janis had come though. She became a strong, independent, self-supporting and loving adult who was present and caring for her daughter.

Unfortunately, Janis’ siblings had been destroyed in different ways by the praise showered on one and the neglect and brutality visited on the rest. The Golden Child had become a selfish, entitled, petulant, whining, complaining, demanding, domineering failure. Another had become an abusive bully. Another had become a victim, bullied by her husband and children, as well as her parents. The last had become rebellious against the world and was always creating chaos, disaster and failure. All had let their upbringing destroy their characters and ruin their lives.

Will Janis’ bullying, narcissistic, toxic daughter destroy her grandchildren?

Janis feared for her grandchildren. They were growing up in an environment that had many similarities to her own growing up. The physical brutality was less but the neglect, criticism and put-downs were the same. They saw their parents getting what they wanted from Janis and her son-in-law’s parents by overt bullying or sneaky manipulation. Also, they were pitted against each other, fighting for what little love, affection and goodies that were available. It was dog-eat-dog.

Janis had chosen to be invulnerable; her siblings had chosen to be corrupted and destroyed. She knew that happened in many families like hers had been. One out of 3-4 would be invulnerable; they would become people Janis could admire. They would get away and make good lives for themselves. The rest would sink into the sewer that they’d been raised in.

Should Janis give in to the verbal, emotional and physical beatings in order to protect and save her grandchildren?

There is no Right Answer to this question. We don’t know the future and we can’t guarantee anything.

Many experts and Janis’ friends would tell her to endure whatever her daughter did to her in order to set an example of kindness, goodness and caring for the grandchildren. She could show them how good love felt good; she could be a model of good character.

On the other hand, by accepting her daughter’s bullying and abuse, she’d be showing them that bullying and abuse succeeded. She’d be showing them that there were two kinds of people: bullies and losers. And she would be a model of a victim.

What Janis did.

Janis chose to assert her standards of good behavior. She’d insist that good behavior was more important than the name of a relationship like “daughter,” even if that meant resisting her daughter’s anger and manipulation, and having her daughter deprive her and the grandchildren of the joy they had together. She told the grandchildren what she was going to do, and the likely consequences. She hoped they grow to understand and to find her when they became independent of their parents.

She hoped at least one would be invulnerable to effects of their upbringing.

Of course, there are many complications depending on your situation. The best way to learn how to take power in your life and to be the person you want to be is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and counseling so you can:

1. Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.

2. Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to create the life your spirit has always hungered for.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert counseling and coaching by phone or Zoom or Skype.

With bullies, narcissists, toxic adult children, nothing is yours

Hanna (ficticious name) finally let herself accept the truth of what her toxic, narcissistic 34-year-old son told her.

He’d been living a terrible life of his own choosing in another town for 13 years, texting or calling when he wanted money or to criticize, bully, abuse and rage at her. He called her the worst names she’d ever heard, and blamed all his self-inflicted problems on her. His life was ruined, and it was her fault for not giving him everything he needed and all the emotional support he demanded. Even though she knew she’d given him as much as she could, and had done everything she could to bail him out of danger and trouble, it was never enough. She couldn’t shake her guilt and twin fears: for his safety on the streets and for her own safety if he ever got mad enough to carry out his threats.

Hanna finally believed him when he said she owed him; he owned her and everything she had.

He said her house was his home so she couldn’t date anyone unless he approved, couldn’t change anything in the house, couldn’t sell anything and couldn’t take a trip or move unless he gave permission.

Hanna realized she’d never been allowed to live the life she’d wanted.

When she was growing up, nothing was hers. She had no privacy; her parents could go into her room whenever they wanted, read her diary, go through her clothes, tell her what clothes to wear, how to fix her hair, what foods to eat, who she could talk to, where she could go and what school activities she could do. They were negative, critical and manipulative. Whenever she resisted, she was being selfish. Or they shunned her or threatened physical violence. Her life wasn’t hers; she had to fit their mold.

Her ex-husband had treated her the same way. He said, “You took my name, so you’re my property.” He claimed he owned her body and her mind. She owned nothing. And that was that. But, eventually, she wanted her own life. She wanted to say “yes” or “no” and have that rule. That was the fundamental reason she’d finally divorced him.

Hanna found the fiery Spirit still burning her and began to claim her own life.

She found a place in her heart and her gut which was hers and hers alone. She was filled with a sense of freedom and peace – peace like a river. She was fine. And she had the freedom to do what she wanted.

Now she was an adult with the power to have her own space and to create her own life. She didn’t need anyone’s approval or permission. Her old guilt and fear, her own self-bullying were gone. She moved beyond thinking she deserved to be in charge of her own life, and into simply determining that she would have her own life.

Wanting her own life wasn’t selfish.

She wasn’t a selfish person. She would still be kind and caring, she’d still be giving and sympathetic. And she’d do that in reciprocal, mutually giving relationships with other people. She would not do that in one-way relationships with takers like her son. She’d protect herself from being bled dry by people like that.

Wanting was a good enough reason to be determined and relentless.

She would make her own place or die trying.

Asking without consequences is begging.

Instead of begging for his agreement, she texted her son and told him her house was not his. He was out because she decided he was out. He was an adult and if she ever allowed him in it again, he would be a guest. In the meantime, she didn’t want to hear what he thought or felt or wanted. She was going to go no-contact for at least a year. During that time, he’d have to prove he could take care of his own money and stay out of jail. If he contacted her or came around, she’d call the police and get a restraining order. After a year, she might meet him at a restaurant to see if she wanted to let him start making amends for the way he’d treated her.

One part of her thought that was harsh, but her Spirit told her she had to let him know she was serious. She would be testing him to see if he behaved good enough for her to allow him in her life and in what ways.

Of course, there are many complications depending on your situation. The best way to learn how to take power in your life and to be the person you want to be is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and counseling so you can:

1. Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.

2. Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to create the life your spirit has always hungered for.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert counseling and coaching by phone or Zoom or Skype.

Healing Scapegoats of narcissistic parents and abusive Golden Children – Part 2

In the previous post, [http://bulliesbegone.com/blog/2023/2/22/healing-scapegoats-of-narcissistic-parents-and-abusive-golden-children-part-1], I described Gena’s (fictitious name) life as scapegoat-fixer-enabler. She was bullied and abused by her toxic parents and narcissistic golden-child siblings. She grew up as the person designed to make everyone else happy, to fix their problems and to be blamed for everything. Even when she succeeded, she was always labeled selfish and not good enough.

Of course, they claimed they loved her and they were only trying to help her see the truth about herself. She was the source of the toxic bio-family problems. When they were angry at her and hurt her, they were justified because she’d been wrong again. She was deluded, selfish, hyper-sensitive, over-reactive and very flawed. It was five against one so obviously she couldn’t trust her own judgment.

Growing up, Gena had split into two opposing sides.

• One part accepted the role of fixer-enabler-scapegoat. People-pleasing seemed the only way to make them happy and to keep the bio-family together. If she didn’t put her own feelings and wishes aside, the family unit would be destroyed, and there would be no one to love and take care of her. She’d never be happy and fulfilled. She’d be alone.

• The other part was angry and hated them. Their treatment of her was cruel and abusive. They were bullies and narcissists. They didn’t care about her as a person; they cared only when they could use and abuse her. If she didn’t get away, she’d never be happy and fulfilled. She’d be alone.

Gena realized both parts wanted the same thing. Both wanted her to live the life she wanted, to be loved, appreciated, respected, happy, full of joy and zest for life. Both wanted her to be with people who appreciated and cared for her. Both wanted her to find her tribe; people who loved her tender.

When Gena found her Center, her Authentic Self, she saw the toxic, bio-family patterns clearly.

She saw the few moments of kindness that lured her into staying connected to mean, nasty people who’d caused her a lifetime of torment and pain, a lifetime of self-doubt and low self-esteem. They wanted to strip away her sense of self and replace it with a reality that would doom her to a lifetime of servitude and slavery, of guilt and continual effort to please and connect with people who simply wanted to use and abuse her. They wouldn’t let her have the life she wanted. They insisted she have the life they chose for her.

Gena realized her old beliefs and self-talk were wrong. Instead, she found the truth deep inside her.

1. Nothing was her fault. She hadn’t done anything wrong. Actually, she’d tried to understand and forgive them a thousand times. The selfishness was in their personalities and characters. They’d provoked her and punished her for no reason. Or rather, whenever they felt bad or were angry, they blamed her and kicked the dog (her). Whenever they were bored, they set her up and then hurt her. Whenever they were scared, they beat her and felt better. Whenever they wanted excitement, they tormented her and blamed her for getting angry. They minimized, ignored or justified the pain they’d caused her.

2. Whenever she was happy, they took her happiness away. The few moments of happiness she had with them were fleeting interludes before the next attacks. They were relentlessly critical, demeaning, blaming and abusive. When her happy shoulders finally slumped, they celebrated their triumph. Sometimes she caught them smiling or smirking when they ruined her mood.

3. There was and is nothing wrong with her. She was not bad, sinful, weak, selfish, incompetent, too horrible to love, doomed to failure. Nothing they’d ever done to her, nothing disgusting she’d ever done to win their approval, nothing they’d made her do that was wrong or gross had damaged or tarnished her Spirit, her Soul.

4. Her anger had been normal in response to what they did. Her reactions were protective, survival, life-affirming. No one outside the family believed her, not because she was hypersensitive, exaggerating or crazy, but because of the fake images the bio-family projected in public.

5. The common element in all those abusive interactions was not her defects; it was them. They wanted a scapegoat-fixer-enabler and they’d chosen her as the victim. The common element was the role they wanted to coerce her into and their dedication to beating, manipulating and guilt-tripping her into that role.

Gena wanted to change herself and the family dynamic; they didn’t.

They wanted to preserve the family image, the family dynamic. They wanted to preserve their pleasure at being the masters of a servant and scapegoat they could whip whenever they wanted. Gena was the only one who was suffering. The rest liked the arrangement. The more Gena tried to point things out, to educate, to prove, the more they resisted her. They refused to deal with the past. They said she was lying, exaggerating, selfish, mean, cruel, exposing their family to ridicule, hurting their feelings, tarnishing their parents’ memories. They pulled together even more tightly, questioned her sanity and began to shun her. They didn’t care about her feelings.

They’ll never change because of anything Gena can say or do or prove.

They’ll never admit the truth. Or if they admit a little of it for a moment, a minute later they’ll carry on as if the admission doesn’t matter. Her efforts to prove herself will only cause more pain to herself. Changing them would take a miracle and that’s above her pay grade.

Gena saw the trap she’d naturally created when she decided they were the only real family she’d ever have and, if she didn’t have them, she’d be alone, unloved and lonely.

Of course, Gena struggled to maintain her thinking, her changed feelings and her new life. Of course, they continued to blame her. They told her the most important thing in life was her bio-family.

Her guilt left when she felt the truth in every fiber of her being and she was able to say, “Never again.” She realized their opinions didn’t sway her from her own knowing. Their opinions and predictions only told her about them and their agendas.

Gena put herself at the center of her life, not at the periphery.

Previously, they’d been at the center of her life. Now, she could be authentic with herself and with all the people she met. They would get to see the real Gena, not the one beaten into the role of slave-scapegoat. She stopped hunching over, waiting for the next blow and exploding with anger when it came. When the need to connect with them dissipated, she stopped being triggered by them. She was comfortable, even happy, with the distance she created.

Now she did a simple calculation before deciding what to do with them.

Did she really have to make them feel good or to rescue them? Did she want to endure being with them for a phone call, a day, a weekend, a family occasion? How long would it take for her to recover from the emotional pain of being with them? Would the fake or superficial interactions with them detract from whatever else she wanted to do during that time? What else could she be doing to feed her Soul? Would being with them distract her from finding her true family, the family of her heart, mind and Spirit?

Gina started looking for her True Tribe.

She stopped trying to connect with her toxic bio-family. She withdrew from them, not to try to change them but to create the life she wanted without them. She dedicated herself to connecting with people who liked who she really was and who make their connection interesting and exciting.

She knew she wouldn’t be alone. It might take a while but there were more people like the ones who already appreciated, respected and genuinely like the Gena they knew.

Of course, there are many complications depending on your situation. The best way to learn how to take power in your life and to be the person you want to be is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and counseling so you can:

1. Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.

2. Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to create the life your spirit has always hungered for.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert counseling and coaching by phone or Zoom or Skype.

Healing Scapegoats of narcissistic parents and abusive Golden Children – Part 1

When Gena (fictitious name) accepted she’d been the Scapegoat in her supposedly loving family, she started on her path to freedom and to her own life, lived the way she wanted.

Her narcissistic mother had selected her, her toxic father had piled on and her selfish, Golden-Child siblings had enjoyed tormenting her. Growing up, she’d been bullied and abused by her toxic biological family. She was told she didn’t know what was actually happening, wasn’t judging people or situations accurately, and couldn’t trust herself. When she was verbally or physically abused, she deserved it. She was required to forgive them immediately; they were doing the best they could. She had to make interactions safe for them and keep their secrets. She was supposed to make everyone else happy before herself.

In addition to being the designated scapegoat, Gena was also designated the fixer-enabler.

Her role was to keep the peace by making everyone happy. She was the nicest and most competent sibling. No one else was willing to help. Her designated role in life was to fix all their problems or terrible things would happen. If she failed, her parents would fight, the family would be destroyed, and everyone would punish and torment her. She’d be destroyed.

That was their reality, and it was five against one so she must be the problem. Even if she did smooth things over and suffer in silence, she was labeled too selfish and never perfect enough. If she protested, she was ungrateful and rebellious, and was attacked by everyone. She was damned if she did/damned if she didn’t. As a child, there was no way out of that reality.

She’d been taught and had then trained herself to be a people pleaser and an enabler in order to survive. If she wasn’t perfect, all the abuse heaped on her was her fault. She grew up living in fear of not pleasing them. If they were upset, they withdrew their love and punished her even more severely.

Later, she’d selected a negative, critical, demanding and demeaning husband who reinforced her worst self-bullying.

Her toxic, adult children also scapegoated her. All of them were charming in public but predators in private.

She had to make everyone happy or else. Now, whenever someone was upset, she was triggered into thinking she was in big trouble. She reinforced the message that she was never good or perfect enough, and she didn’t deserve happiness. It was her fault, even when it wasn’t. Her outrage and resistance were signs she was a bad person who should be punished.

When she was a child, Gena had decided if only she could please them, educate them, love them enough, they’d love her in return, and she’d be connected to the most important people in her life.

The effects of that childhood decision had, indeed, helped her survive her horrible childhood, but had also ruined her adulthood. She’d thought if she knew what she’d done wrong, she could make it okay and get them to love her. She thought her survival, even as an adult, depended on getting her toxic bio-family to understand and to accept her as the good person she was.

She grew up believing:

• She didn’t know what was real or imagined, what was the truth, what was right from wrong.

• She didn’t really know what she thought, felt or wanted. Anyway, what she felt and wanted was less important than what everyone else felt and wanted. If she thought for or about herself, she was selfish.

• She was born bad, defective, broken and stained. She didn’t deserve better treatment. She was guilty. They were only trying to help her.

• Without them, no one would love her; she’d be alone and fail completely. She was certain no one would believe her side of the story.

• She was the common element in all these horrible interactions with all those people. Therefore, obviously, she was the problem and should become more loving, caring and accepting.

Like every scapegoat, Gena was never heard, never counted. Well, every once in a while, there was a moment with a nice gesture, a connection that seemed like love. But ten minutes later, the caring was gone and she was once again the target of bullying and abuse.

Gena was not even a second-class citizen in the country of her bio-family. She was the servant or slave to her bio-family masters.

In the next post we’ll focus on Gena’s new beliefs and feelings, and what she did to extricate herself from the role of scapegoat-fixer-enabler.

Of course, there are many complications depending on your situation. The best way to learn how to take power in your life and to be the person you want to be is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and counseling so you can:

1. Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.

2. Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to create the life your spirit has always hungered for.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert counseling and coaching by phone or Zoom or Skype.

Bullies, narcissists, toxic adult children and husbands don’t love or care for you

Frannie (fictitious name) realized her husband and her toxic adult son were not on the Autism spectrum. The problem was not that they simply didn’t realize how much their behavior had hurt her. It was much more than that. They didn’t love or care about her the way she thought people should. She realized that they didn’t communicate with her, and they didn’t reciprocate her kindness and caring because they didn’t want to. Toward, they not only did exactly what they wanted, they actively prevented her from doing anything she wanted or enjoyed.

Frannie noticed her husband communicated very clearly with other people. He knew exactly what to say to drive away people she wanted to be friends with. With people he wanted to befriend, he knew what they felt and wanted. He even anticipated what they wanted before they asked him.

Actually, her husband and son were exquisitely sensitive to her thoughts and feelings. They understood completely what she wanted and had a thousand excuses to justify why she shouldn’t have it. Every time she wanted to do something to make herself happy, they prevented her from doing it or they sabotaged what she tried to do. They were negative, critical, demeaning and abusive. They were bullying narcissists disguised as emotionally unavailable. Every time she got happy, they did something to destroy her joy. And they smirked about it. They enjoyed her frustration, pain and anger. They knew exactly what they were doing.

They thought they were fine. When she didn’t like how they treated her, it was all her problem.

Consequently, they were destroying her Spirit and her life. They might promise to do something but conveniently forget. When she begged them to think of her feelings and to do what she wanted, they said they didn’t understand and, therefore, they didn’t have to do what she wanted. Then they always make sure she couldn’t do it either. They argued that her unhappiness was her fault and her problem.

In rare moments, they were honest. They told her she was their servant, slave, property. She was not supposed to have any wishes or happiness of her own. She didn’t deserve to be happy. They didn’t care about what she wanted. Her happiness was unimportant or irrelevant. Servants, slaves don’t deserve to be happy. If she tried, they’d prevent it. They should be at the center of her life. She was a good wife and mother only when she was useful. They loved her just like they loved animals or tools who served them.

Frannie realized that in their minds, they were the only persons in the world who really mattered.

Something in her snapped permanently when she realized they acted like jealous Gods. In their minds, she was supposed to adore and worship and serve them. She was not allowed to have any wishes or interests of her own. That would be heresy. She would be an infidel worthy of whatever punishment they chose to inflict on her.

In their minds, there are only four kinds of people:

1. Those who had what they wanted and were, therefore, targets.

2. Those who were better, more powerful and to be feared until they could be manipulated or destroyed.

3. Those who were tools or worshippers who were be controlled and used to get what they wanted.

4. Those who were unimportant unless they got in the way or became targets or tools.

Instead of asking “why they were that way,” Frannie used that realization to think differently about all the situations she’d experienced with them.

She let that feeling sink into every cell of her body, especially her heart. Her life with them became clear; her past and her future with them became clear. They’d destroy any life she wanted that wasn’t her abject subjugation.

Her Spirit demanded that she get away; that she finally begin living a life of her own, a life she was in the center of, not at the periphery; that she take charge of her life; that she become the Heroine of her life.

Her guilt and shame were gone. Her anger rose to give her determination and power. She would not be deflected when they said she was bad, she would not quit, she would not give in.

She began the hard task of getting away from “Gods” who thought they could strike her with lightning whenever they wanted.

Of course, there are many complications depending on your situation. The best way to learn how to take power in your life and to be the person you want to be is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and counseling so you can:

1. Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.

2. Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to create the life your spirit has always hungered for.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert counseling and coaching by phone or Zoom or Skype.