Mary (fictitious name) couldn’t believe her 33-year-old daughter’s lies and “false memories.” She accused Mary of abusing her when she was growing up, of being hyper-critical, of depriving her of birthday and Christmas presents, of never supporting her through high school and college.
At first, Mary defended herself factually, reasonably and logically, kindly and compassionately. She showed her daughter pictures of parties and presents, and reminded her daughter of the times she bailed her daughter out of the trouble she’d gotten herself in, and of the time, effort and money she’d spent to get her daughter through high school and college. That evidence only made her daughter angrier.
Mary followed the advice of friends and supposed experts: always take the blame; always apologize; always keep reaching out and asking for forgiveness, even though the accusations were false.
But that tactic never worked. No apology was ever enough. And after every apology, her daughter’s bullying and abuse got worse. Her demands escalated. When Mary protested against her daughter’s demands, her daughter finally accused Mary of sexually molesting her.
Of course, none of the accusations was true. The only abuser in the family had been Mary’s critical, narcissistic, emotionally and physically bullying ex-husband.
To bullies, narcissists, toxic adult children, their story is addictive.
They believe their story is absolutely true. Their story explains all their problems and relieves them of any responsibility for their poor choices and bad behavior. They ignore facts that contradict their life story.
Mary saw that “addiction” was an accurate word for her daughter’s behavior. Her daughter clung to her story like an addict clinging to a fix. It was the most important thing in the world to her. She was a fanatic defending her addictive story.
They are convinced they are without sin; they delight in casting as many stones as they can.
Her Daughter got pleasure from her hatred and righteous anger. And she could get a fix any time by simply re-experiencing the memories and hurts she’d invented. She also got a rush of pleasure of being cruel and vindictive to Mary in any way she wanted. She even wished that Mary would die right then and leave her Mary’s money and home. Not even Mary’s death would be enough to pay back all the (false) things Mary had done to her.
Mary questioned, “Did her daughter really believe her lies?”
Finally, Mary realized two things:
Somewhere deep in her daughter, she knew the truth. Every once in a while, Mary saw her daughter smirk when she caused Mary pain and when Mary groveled. And then her daughter would put her mask right back on. Her daughter’s mask was the hatred of a true believer in a cult. In her daughter’s story, Mary was the enemy, the infidel, her daughter had sworn to destroy.
The question didn’t matter. Mary could never get past the mask of hatred to find her daughter’s conscience. She could never rescue the daughter she loved from her addiction.
Mary knew she hadn’t been perfect, but so what?
Mary had often indulged in self-bullying: “Maybe, she shouldn’t have divorced her mentally and physically abusive husband, despite his cruelty and abuse to Mary and their daughter. Maybe, she’d given her daughter too much praise and freedom, and not enough discipline. Maybe, it was her fault her daughter was spoiled rotten.”
But Mary was able to pull herself out of guilt and self-recrimination. Her daughter had chosen the path of addictive anger, of an addictive story that fed her sense of righteousness, that justified her trying to get everyone she knew on her side against Mary. She also realized her daughter had chosen a partner who eagerly believed her stories and encouraged her to be cruel to Mary.
Even more, Mary realized that the whole idea of her having to be perfect in order to be respected and loved, to be treated politely and kindly was nonsense. Mary was well within a range of caring, good parents. It was the selfish, self-centered bullies, narcissists and adult children who claimed that their parents were supposed to give them what they wanted and to make them happy all the time. They thought they were entitled to their idea of “perfect” parents and if they didn’t get the perfection they sought, they were completely justified in doing whatever they wanted to make the parents suffer and submit. To them, causing pain was a just punishment.
They never thought about their responsibility to be good children or people. Or they believed they always were.
What did Mary do?
Her choices:
She could follow the advice of friends and supposed experts, and keep apologizing, keep accepting the demands and abuse in the hope that one day her daughter would wake up cured, conscience stricken, and apologize and change.
She could follow her own spirit and say, “Enough.” She knew the mental and emotional beatings were destroying her Spirit. With compassion and determination, she could demand her daughter treat her politely and civilly or she wouldn’t allow her in her personal, mental or emotional space. She could demand that her daughter prove her good intentions over time and without reward. If her daughter would not make amends, Mary would keep her out of her life.
Mary decided on the second course of action. She knew, deep in her heart, that path was the only chance she had to make the wonderful, bully-free life she wanted to live. Even though she was afraid of where the path of hate would take her daughter, Mary also knew if she didn’t set clear and firm boundaries, if she continued to rescue and enable her daughter, she would doom her daughter to a life of addiction.
Of course, there are many complications depending on your situation. The best way to learn how to take power in your life and to be the person you want to be is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and counseling so you can:
Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.
Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to create the life your spirit has always hungered for.
Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert counseling and coaching by phone or Zoom or Skype.