When Gena (fictitious name) accepted she’d been the Scapegoat in her supposedly loving family, she started on her path to freedom and to her own life, lived the way she wanted.
Her narcissistic mother had selected her, her toxic father had piled on and her selfish, Golden-Child siblings had enjoyed tormenting her. Growing up, she’d been bullied and abused by her toxic biological family. She was told she didn’t know what was actually happening, wasn’t judging people or situations accurately, and couldn’t trust herself. When she was verbally or physically abused, she deserved it. She was required to forgive them immediately; they were doing the best they could. She had to make interactions safe for them and keep their secrets. She was supposed to make everyone else happy before herself.
In addition to being the designated scapegoat, Gena was also designated the fixer-enabler.
Her role was to keep the peace by making everyone happy. She was the nicest and most competent sibling. No one else was willing to help. Her designated role in life was to fix all their problems or terrible things would happen. If she failed, her parents would fight, the family would be destroyed, and everyone would punish and torment her. She’d be destroyed.
That was their reality, and it was five against one so she must be the problem. Even if she did smooth things over and suffer in silence, she was labeled too selfish and never perfect enough. If she protested, she was ungrateful and rebellious, and was attacked by everyone. She was damned if she did/damned if she didn’t. As a child, there was no way out of that reality.
She’d been taught and had then trained herself to be a people pleaser and an enabler in order to survive. If she wasn’t perfect, all the abuse heaped on her was her fault. She grew up living in fear of not pleasing them. If they were upset, they withdrew their love and punished her even more severely.
Later, she’d selected a negative, critical, demanding and demeaning husband who reinforced her worst self-bullying.
Her toxic, adult children also scapegoated her. All of them were charming in public but predators in private.
She had to make everyone happy or else. Now, whenever someone was upset, she was triggered into thinking she was in big trouble. She reinforced the message that she was never good or perfect enough, and she didn’t deserve happiness. It was her fault, even when it wasn’t. Her outrage and resistance were signs she was a bad person who should be punished.
When she was a child, Gena had decided if only she could please them, educate them, love them enough, they’d love her in return, and she’d be connected to the most important people in her life.
The effects of that childhood decision had, indeed, helped her survive her horrible childhood, but had also ruined her adulthood. She’d thought if she knew what she’d done wrong, she could make it okay and get them to love her. She thought her survival, even as an adult, depended on getting her toxic bio-family to understand and to accept her as the good person she was.
She grew up believing:
She didn’t know what was real or imagined, what was the truth, what was right from wrong.
She didn’t really know what she thought, felt or wanted. Anyway, what she felt and wanted was less important than what everyone else felt and wanted. If she thought for or about herself, she was selfish.
She was born bad, defective, broken and stained. She didn’t deserve better treatment. She was guilty. They were only trying to help her.
Without them, no one would love her; she’d be alone and fail completely. She was certain no one would believe her side of the story.
She was the common element in all these horrible interactions with all those people. Therefore, obviously, she was the problem and should become more loving, caring and accepting.
Like every scapegoat, Gena was never heard, never counted. Well, every once in a while, there was a moment with a nice gesture, a connection that seemed like love. But ten minutes later, the caring was gone and she was once again the target of bullying and abuse.
Gena was not even a second-class citizen in the country of her bio-family. She was the servant or slave to her bio-family masters.
In the next post we’ll focus on Gena’s new beliefs and feelings, and what she did to extricate herself from the role of scapegoat-fixer-enabler.
Of course, there are many complications depending on your situation. The best way to learn how to take power in your life and to be the person you want to be is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and counseling so you can:
Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.
Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to create the life your spirit has always hungered for.
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