Hanna (ficticious name) finally let herself accept the truth of what her toxic, narcissistic 34-year-old son told her.
He’d been living a terrible life of his own choosing in another town for 13 years, texting or calling when he wanted money or to criticize, bully, abuse and rage at her. He called her the worst names she’d ever heard, and blamed all his self-inflicted problems on her. His life was ruined, and it was her fault for not giving him everything he needed and all the emotional support he demanded. Even though she knew she’d given him as much as she could, and had done everything she could to bail him out of danger and trouble, it was never enough. She couldn’t shake her guilt and twin fears: for his safety on the streets and for her own safety if he ever got mad enough to carry out his threats.
Hanna finally believed him when he said she owed him; he owned her and everything she had.
He said her house was his home so she couldn’t date anyone unless he approved, couldn’t change anything in the house, couldn’t sell anything and couldn’t take a trip or move unless he gave permission.
Hanna realized she’d never been allowed to live the life she’d wanted.
When she was growing up, nothing was hers. She had no privacy; her parents could go into her room whenever they wanted, read her diary, go through her clothes, tell her what clothes to wear, how to fix her hair, what foods to eat, who she could talk to, where she could go and what school activities she could do. They were negative, critical and manipulative. Whenever she resisted, she was being selfish. Or they shunned her or threatened physical violence. Her life wasn’t hers; she had to fit their mold.
Her ex-husband had treated her the same way. He said, “You took my name, so you’re my property.” He claimed he owned her body and her mind. She owned nothing. And that was that. But, eventually, she wanted her own life. She wanted to say “yes” or “no” and have that rule. That was the fundamental reason she’d finally divorced him.
Hanna found the fiery Spirit still burning her and began to claim her own life.
She found a place in her heart and her gut which was hers and hers alone. She was filled with a sense of freedom and peace – peace like a river. She was fine. And she had the freedom to do what she wanted.
Now she was an adult with the power to have her own space and to create her own life. She didn’t need anyone’s approval or permission. Her old guilt and fear, her own self-bullying were gone. She moved beyond thinking she deserved to be in charge of her own life, and into simply determining that she would have her own life.
Wanting her own life wasn’t selfish.
She wasn’t a selfish person. She would still be kind and caring, she’d still be giving and sympathetic. And she’d do that in reciprocal, mutually giving relationships with other people. She would not do that in one-way relationships with takers like her son. She’d protect herself from being bled dry by people like that.
Wanting was a good enough reason to be determined and relentless.
She would make her own place or die trying.
Asking without consequences is begging.
Instead of begging for his agreement, she texted her son and told him her house was not his. He was out because she decided he was out. He was an adult and if she ever allowed him in it again, he would be a guest. In the meantime, she didn’t want to hear what he thought or felt or wanted. She was going to go no-contact for at least a year. During that time, he’d have to prove he could take care of his own money and stay out of jail. If he contacted her or came around, she’d call the police and get a restraining order. After a year, she might meet him at a restaurant to see if she wanted to let him start making amends for the way he’d treated her.
One part of her thought that was harsh, but her Spirit told her she had to let him know she was serious. She would be testing him to see if he behaved good enough for her to allow him in her life and in what ways.
Of course, there are many complications depending on your situation. The best way to learn how to take power in your life and to be the person you want to be is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and counseling so you can:
Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.
Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to create the life your spirit has always hungered for.
Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert counseling and coaching by phone or Zoom or Skype.