Janis (fictitious name) worried constantly about her grandchildren. Her daughter had turned against her and was brainwashing the three grandchildren, aged 4-9, to hate Janis. Despite all Janis had done for her daughter before and after her marriage and motherhood, her daughter had yanked the three grandchildren away from Janis. Unless Janis apologized for the thousandth time and did her daughter’s bidding every moment, Janis would never see the children again.
Janis’ daughter had always been difficult and demanding. When she didn’t get what she wanted, she’d throw temper tantrums. She’d yell, curse, and blame Janis for ruining her life. She was bullying, abusive and narcissistic. She’d become even worse after she had the first grandchild. Janis had watch her grandson every day for his first three years while her daughter shopped and played with her friends and her husband. Her daughter was proud and gleeful; now she had a hold over Janis. If Janis ever wanted a break or withheld the money her daughter demanded, her daughter would threaten to withhold Janis’ grandson.
It got worse when the next two grandchildren were born.
Had Janis ever done anything so bad?
No. Janis knew that the worse thing she’d ever done was to give into her daughter when she was growing up because she was afraid of what her daughter would do if Janis really denied her anything, and because Janis had taken a vow to give her children the love and caring she’d never gotten. Later, in order to give her grandchildren love, stability and good values, Janis accepted the bullying and abuse her daughter dished out.
Janis was invulnerable to the horror of her own upbring.
Janis’ parents had been alcoholic, rage-aholic and totally addicted to doing what they wanted, without a thought for their children. Usually, they neglected their children and any attention they gave them was through criticism, put-downs, demands and physical beatings. Except for the one who was the Golden Child: given everything, never asked to do anything and waited upon by all the others. Growing up in the anger and craziness, Janis felt unloved, brutalized and abandoned: Cinderella in her bio-family. But Janis had come though. She became a strong, independent, self-supporting and loving adult who was present and caring for her daughter.
Unfortunately, Janis’ siblings had been destroyed in different ways by the praise showered on one and the neglect and brutality visited on the rest. The Golden Child had become a selfish, entitled, petulant, whining, complaining, demanding, domineering failure. Another had become an abusive bully. Another had become a victim, bullied by her husband and children, as well as her parents. The last had become rebellious against the world and was always creating chaos, disaster and failure. All had let their upbringing destroy their characters and ruin their lives.
Will Janis’ bullying, narcissistic, toxic daughter destroy her grandchildren?
Janis feared for her grandchildren. They were growing up in an environment that had many similarities to her own growing up. The physical brutality was less but the neglect, criticism and put-downs were the same. They saw their parents getting what they wanted from Janis and her son-in-law’s parents by overt bullying or sneaky manipulation. Also, they were pitted against each other, fighting for what little love, affection and goodies that were available. It was dog-eat-dog.
Janis had chosen to be invulnerable; her siblings had chosen to be corrupted and destroyed. She knew that happened in many families like hers had been. One out of 3-4 would be invulnerable; they would become people Janis could admire. They would get away and make good lives for themselves. The rest would sink into the sewer that they’d been raised in.
Should Janis give in to the verbal, emotional and physical beatings in order to protect and save her grandchildren?
There is no Right Answer to this question. We don’t know the future and we can’t guarantee anything.
Many experts and Janis’ friends would tell her to endure whatever her daughter did to her in order to set an example of kindness, goodness and caring for the grandchildren. She could show them how good love felt good; she could be a model of good character.
On the other hand, by accepting her daughter’s bullying and abuse, she’d be showing them that bullying and abuse succeeded. She’d be showing them that there were two kinds of people: bullies and losers. And she would be a model of a victim.
What Janis did.
Janis chose to assert her standards of good behavior. She’d insist that good behavior was more important than the name of a relationship like “daughter,” even if that meant resisting her daughter’s anger and manipulation, and having her daughter deprive her and the grandchildren of the joy they had together. She told the grandchildren what she was going to do, and the likely consequences. She hoped they grow to understand and to find her when they became independent of their parents.
She hoped at least one would be invulnerable to effects of their upbringing.
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