Kari (fictitious name) was successful when facing difficult, bullying, narcissistic people in her business life but couldn’t stand up to her selfish, entitled, abusive, toxic adult son.
After she’d divorced his alcoholic, bullying, selfish, abusive father she’d worked hard to prove that she could make it in life without him, to give her son everything he wanted. Her son had demanded and taken everything she’d sacrificed for but once he didn’t need her money, he attacked her cruelly and viciously. He cursed her when he was unhappy and because she ruined his life. Even though she’d given him everything when he was growing up, if she said “No” now, she wasn’t loving and caring enough, she was difficult and demanding, she was selfish and cruel. When he wasn’t yelling at her, he gave her “the loud-silent treatment.”
And to rub it in, he started praising and hanging out with his father, who’d never contributed a penny to him, hadn’t been interested in seeing him when he was growing up, and also bad-mouthed Kari at every opportunity.
Business, personal and family rules.
Kari realized she had a great set of personal rules that helped her maintain productive relationships in her professional life, but she didn’t honor those same rules in her personal life. She laughed with recognition when I told her some of our family rules. They were the same as the ones she used in business and that she wanted in her personal life.
Some of our family rules are:
We don’t do melodrama. We just deal with things. No temper-tantrums, hissy-fits, loud-silent treatments, gossip, emotional vomiting, guilt-tripping.
We don’t use our feelings to force other people to give in or to dance on eggshells around us. When we disagree, we approach the other person and talk things out. We don’t beat each other into submission, use emotional blackmail, or manipulate, lie or deceive to get what we want. We don’t use hurt feelings, sulking, withdrawal, self-righteous anger, victim attitudes to manipulate other people.
We be gracious. That’s the price of admission to our world.
We don’t be sarcastic or demeaning, or use put-downs; we don’t manipulate, stab-in-the-back, make cutting remarks, set people up to fight, spread gossip. We don’t provoke people and then attack the upset person. We’re not control freaks who demand other people do things our way (the Right Way, the Way it Should be).
We take time with each other; we listen, hear, try to understand and know. We promote the real you, not just the perfect image or the perfect personality or the way we want you to be.
We don’t give or take things personally. We don’t agree with each other all the time or even on all the important issues, but we can communicate with kindness, caring and a strong intention to have wonderful times together.
We get together to make our times interesting and fun. Our relationships are not based on money, submission, enabling or rescuing.
Good behavior is more important than bad blood.
The big shift inside Kari was when she decided that good behavior was more important to her than bad blood. She moved her personal/family interactions into the same space she held for her business relationships. That is, no matter who you are, Kari will let you in her personal space only if you act according to her rules for polite, civilized behavior.
That decision made everything clear, simple and straightforward for Kari. She might not end up with the relationship she wanted with her son, but she’d end up with a personal space that was wonderful to live in, that was bully-free.
How Kari handled her son’s reactions.
When she told her son how she was going to live the rest of her life, he exploded and attacked her even more than usual. He said, “You’re not in charge, you’re destroying the family, I’ll never talk to you again, you’ll never see your grandchildren.”
Kari smiled and calmly said that was the way it was going to be for her, and he could make his own decisions on what kind of person he wanted to be. When he got even more cruel, she said she was going to block him for a month. And she did.
When the month was over, she unblocked him and said she was ready to give him another chance if he wanted to behave better. Whenever she waffled because she wanted to make her son happy and also, because she’d never wanted anyone to be angry at her, she remembered what Winston Churchill said, “You have enemies? Good. That means you've stood up for something, sometime in your life.”
Of course, there are many complications depending on your situation. The best way to learn how to take power in your life and to be the person you want to be is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and counseling so you can:
Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.
Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to create the life your spirit has always hungered for.
Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert counseling and coaching by phone or Zoom or Skype.