In the previous post, [http://bulliesbegone.com/blog/2023/2/22/healing-scapegoats-of-narcissistic-parents-and-abusive-golden-children-part-1], I described Gena’s (fictitious name) life as scapegoat-fixer-enabler. She was bullied and abused by her toxic parents and narcissistic golden-child siblings. She grew up as the person designed to make everyone else happy, to fix their problems and to be blamed for everything. Even when she succeeded, she was always labeled selfish and not good enough.
Of course, they claimed they loved her and they were only trying to help her see the truth about herself. She was the source of the toxic bio-family problems. When they were angry at her and hurt her, they were justified because she’d been wrong again. She was deluded, selfish, hyper-sensitive, over-reactive and very flawed. It was five against one so obviously she couldn’t trust her own judgment.
Growing up, Gena had split into two opposing sides.
One part accepted the role of fixer-enabler-scapegoat. People-pleasing seemed the only way to make them happy and to keep the bio-family together. If she didn’t put her own feelings and wishes aside, the family unit would be destroyed, and there would be no one to love and take care of her. She’d never be happy and fulfilled. She’d be alone.
The other part was angry and hated them. Their treatment of her was cruel and abusive. They were bullies and narcissists. They didn’t care about her as a person; they cared only when they could use and abuse her. If she didn’t get away, she’d never be happy and fulfilled. She’d be alone.
Gena realized both parts wanted the same thing. Both wanted her to live the life she wanted, to be loved, appreciated, respected, happy, full of joy and zest for life. Both wanted her to be with people who appreciated and cared for her. Both wanted her to find her tribe; people who loved her tender.
When Gena found her Center, her Authentic Self, she saw the toxic, bio-family patterns clearly.
She saw the few moments of kindness that lured her into staying connected to mean, nasty people who’d caused her a lifetime of torment and pain, a lifetime of self-doubt and low self-esteem. They wanted to strip away her sense of self and replace it with a reality that would doom her to a lifetime of servitude and slavery, of guilt and continual effort to please and connect with people who simply wanted to use and abuse her. They wouldn’t let her have the life she wanted. They insisted she have the life they chose for her.
Gena realized her old beliefs and self-talk were wrong. Instead, she found the truth deep inside her.
Nothing was her fault. She hadn’t done anything wrong. Actually, she’d tried to understand and forgive them a thousand times. The selfishness was in their personalities and characters. They’d provoked her and punished her for no reason. Or rather, whenever they felt bad or were angry, they blamed her and kicked the dog (her). Whenever they were bored, they set her up and then hurt her. Whenever they were scared, they beat her and felt better. Whenever they wanted excitement, they tormented her and blamed her for getting angry. They minimized, ignored or justified the pain they’d caused her.
Whenever she was happy, they took her happiness away. The few moments of happiness she had with them were fleeting interludes before the next attacks. They were relentlessly critical, demeaning, blaming and abusive. When her happy shoulders finally slumped, they celebrated their triumph. Sometimes she caught them smiling or smirking when they ruined her mood.
There was and is nothing wrong with her. She was not bad, sinful, weak, selfish, incompetent, too horrible to love, doomed to failure. Nothing they’d ever done to her, nothing disgusting she’d ever done to win their approval, nothing they’d made her do that was wrong or gross had damaged or tarnished her Spirit, her Soul.
Her anger had been normal in response to what they did. Her reactions were protective, survival, life-affirming. No one outside the family believed her, not because she was hypersensitive, exaggerating or crazy, but because of the fake images the bio-family projected in public.
The common element in all those abusive interactions was not her defects; it was them. They wanted a scapegoat-fixer-enabler and they’d chosen her as the victim. The common element was the role they wanted to coerce her into and their dedication to beating, manipulating and guilt-tripping her into that role.
Gena wanted to change herself and the family dynamic; they didn’t.
They wanted to preserve the family image, the family dynamic. They wanted to preserve their pleasure at being the masters of a servant and scapegoat they could whip whenever they wanted. Gena was the only one who was suffering. The rest liked the arrangement. The more Gena tried to point things out, to educate, to prove, the more they resisted her. They refused to deal with the past. They said she was lying, exaggerating, selfish, mean, cruel, exposing their family to ridicule, hurting their feelings, tarnishing their parents’ memories. They pulled together even more tightly, questioned her sanity and began to shun her. They didn’t care about her feelings.
They’ll never change because of anything Gena can say or do or prove.
They’ll never admit the truth. Or if they admit a little of it for a moment, a minute later they’ll carry on as if the admission doesn’t matter. Her efforts to prove herself will only cause more pain to herself. Changing them would take a miracle and that’s above her pay grade.
Gena saw the trap she’d naturally created when she decided they were the only real family she’d ever have and, if she didn’t have them, she’d be alone, unloved and lonely.
Of course, Gena struggled to maintain her thinking, her changed feelings and her new life. Of course, they continued to blame her. They told her the most important thing in life was her bio-family.
Her guilt left when she felt the truth in every fiber of her being and she was able to say, “Never again.” She realized their opinions didn’t sway her from her own knowing. Their opinions and predictions only told her about them and their agendas.
Gena put herself at the center of her life, not at the periphery.
Previously, they’d been at the center of her life. Now, she could be authentic with herself and with all the people she met. They would get to see the real Gena, not the one beaten into the role of slave-scapegoat. She stopped hunching over, waiting for the next blow and exploding with anger when it came. When the need to connect with them dissipated, she stopped being triggered by them. She was comfortable, even happy, with the distance she created.
Now she did a simple calculation before deciding what to do with them.
Did she really have to make them feel good or to rescue them? Did she want to endure being with them for a phone call, a day, a weekend, a family occasion? How long would it take for her to recover from the emotional pain of being with them? Would the fake or superficial interactions with them detract from whatever else she wanted to do during that time? What else could she be doing to feed her Soul? Would being with them distract her from finding her true family, the family of her heart, mind and Spirit?
Gina started looking for her True Tribe.
She stopped trying to connect with her toxic bio-family. She withdrew from them, not to try to change them but to create the life she wanted without them. She dedicated herself to connecting with people who liked who she really was and who make their connection interesting and exciting.
She knew she wouldn’t be alone. It might take a while but there were more people like the ones who already appreciated, respected and genuinely like the Gena they knew.
Of course, there are many complications depending on your situation. The best way to learn how to take power in your life and to be the person you want to be is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and counseling so you can:
Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.
Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to create the life your spirit has always hungered for.
Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert counseling and coaching by phone or Zoom or Skype.