Narcissists test your love; it's never enough

Jane finally realized her daughter, Debbie, was a 36 year-old narcissist.

They’d be talking and suddenly Debbie would go off; cursing, yelling, threating, bullying, abusing and throwing up every hurt feeling every time Jane failed to please her.  Everything wrong with Debbie’s life was Jane’s fault.  

Jane finally saw the pattern; Debbie was constantly testing her to see if Jane loved her more than anyone else.
Any time Jane praised someone or thought someone was smart or helpful or kind, Debbie would explode.  Any time Jane wouldn’t cancel an appointment or change her plans to do what Debbie wanted on the slightest whim, Debbie would go off.  Any time Jane wouldn’t pay for anything Debbie wanted, Debbie would go off.

Nothing Jane did could ever show Debbie her mother loved her enough.
Debbie’s emotional bucket had no bottom; Jane would never be able to fill it.  Only Debbie could built a bottom for her bucket.

Jane realized her daughter wanted her to be her slave.
Debbie wanted Jane to do what she wanted, to endure the tongue lashings and to come back for more.  Debbie wanted Jane to devote all her time and energy to pleasing her; no one else.  Debbie wanted her mother to feel guilty and to take the blame for having failed her.

Debbie has some choices:

1. Take the beatings and keep coming back to explain, reason, debate and prove her love in hopes of educating or satisfying her daughter.
2. Set behavioral boundaries; Debbie gets access to Jane only when she behaves herself.  At the moment Debbie begins to go off, Jane will hang up or cut her off.
3. The same behavioral-based approach as number two plus being clear Jane is lengthening the time between contacts each time Debbie blows.  And no money until Debbie behaves like a polite, civilized, loving daughter for at least one year.

Notice, in the last two choices, Jane is no longer trying to please Debbie.  Jane is testing Debbie; not for love, but for polite, civilized behavior.  She’ll no longer let Debbie dump her toxic emotional waste in Jane’s space.

Debbie will hate the last two choices because Jane is taking charge of the interactions.  Slaves are punished for doing that.  It proves Jane doesn’t love her.  Debbie will attack and try to beat Jane into submission, like she’s always done.

Jane is really thankful Debbie hasn’t had children yet because Debbie would blackmail her by withholding visits with her grandchildren.  Jane used to worry every time family members took Debbie’s side and begged Jane to be nice or to be the more spiritual and loving person, and overlook Debbie’s rants.

There are many other types of narcissistic behavior, but see if this pattern fits which people in your life.

Of course, there are many complications depending on your situation.  The best way to learn how to take power in your life and to be the person you want to be is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and counseling so you can:

1. Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.
2. Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to create the life your spirit has always hungered for.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert counseling and coaching by phone or Skype.

Narcissists care about their feelings, not ours

We want the people we care about to care about us, to take our feelings seriously and to pay attention to us.  In good relationships that’s mutual.  However, narcissists only care about their feelings, wants, desires, hopes, hurts and pains.  Their concerns matter; no one else’s do unless it impacts them. Other people’s feelings aren’t important.

Narcissists’ needs and feelings drive their lives.
They’re blown by the winds of their feelings; especially those that stroke their egos and self-images.  If they feel something, everyone must revolve around that feeling.  We’re all servants and slaves to their feelings.

If you live or lived with one, if you work or worked with one, you know the feeling you get.  It’s as if the narcissist is using all the air in the room.  We don’t get any air to breathe unless they dole out a little as a reward for our subservient behavior.

They batter (physically, verbally and emotionally), bully and abuse everyone in the line of their fire.  Or they’re sneaky, manipulative and backstabbing – using our desire to be nice or our self-analysis, self-doubt and guilt.  Mostly, they want us to engage with them – if they can’t beat or charm us into submission, they’ll settle for our paying complete attention to them; they’ll settle for endless arguing and debating as long as we’re focused on them.

Get narcissists out of your space.
Of course, if that narcissist is merely a distant friend or first date, it’s easy.  But we still can do it after years of intimacy or if the narcissist is a toxic parent or toxic adult child.  The goal is clear; the “how-to” may take more planning and effort.

Of course, there are many complications depending on your situation.  The best way to learn how to take power in your life and to be the person you want to be is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and counseling so you can:

1. Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.
2. Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to create the life your spirit has always hungered for.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert counseling and coaching by phone or Skype.

Stop walking on eggshells

Here’s an easy test to see if you’re with a bully – at home, in relationships, at work and at school.
Do you walk around on eggshells?  Are you afraid of the next explosion or angry, negative, critical, personal attack?  Do you receive the loud silent-treatment?  Do you fear retaliation and sneaky punishment?  Are you wary of the next accidental destruction or your property, pets or person?  Have you given up arguing and defending yourself because they’re a better debater or they wear you down?

You don’t need more psychoanalysis of the person you’re with.
That person is bullying and abusive.  That person lets their feelings drive their life.  They always blame you for their bad feelings.  And they always have good reasons, excuses and justifications for their abuse.   Don’t cling to a few good memories or promises.  See all the painful episodes every time you look at them.

Trust your Gut!

Say, “Enough!  I’m done with that.”
I won’t let them torture my heart any more.  You have to set goals and be more determined, resilient and relentless.  You don’t have to win the argument, you just have to get that behavior out of your environment.  Don’t let them pollute your sacred space.

Of course, there are many complications depending on your situation.  The best way to learn how to take power in your life and to be the person you want to be is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and counseling so you can:

1. Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.
2. Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to create the life your spirit has always hungered for.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert counseling and coaching by phone or Skype.

Stop enabling, rescuing, meddling

June got it with a start that almost knocked her over.  Once again she’d been trying to rescue her 35 year-old son and, as always, he’d pushed her away and slapped her with his angry words.  She could lead him to water but he wouldn’t drink.  Actually, he refused to let her lead him.

She got it: she was trying to enable him once more, she was meddling in his life again so he didn’t fail.  And he didn’t want her.  

But how could she love him if she didn’t try to save him?
How could she a good mom, a good person, if she didn’t try to rescue him, if she didn’t try to protect him from pain or if she didn’t try to explain what he needed to hear?

Enabling, rescuing, meddling aren’t the meaning of “love” to a 35 year-old son with his own job and his own family.  That definition of love had led June to the fix she was in.  She needed a better definition of love.

June got it.  She was meddling where she wasn’t wanted and he hated her for it.
Part of the reason he hated her was that she was right.  But he didn’t want to hear that.  In response to her meddling, he’d yelled at her, criticized her, cursed her and blamed all his troubles on her.  So he’d left and taken his kids, saying she’d never see them again.

For days afterward he sent bullying, blaming and abusive texts.  His messy life was all her fault.  She was to blame and she had to admit her guilt.

Despite the pain and anguish, June decided to try a new approach:

• She wouldn’t act like his mommy anymore.  She wouldn’t give him money.  She wouldn’t be available every moment when he wanted to use her as a baby sitter.  She wouldn’t give him advice.
• He was already out of the nest physically, so she’d kick him out of the nest emotionally; his problems were his problems.  He claimed to be an adult, so let him solve his own problems.
• She’d try to set boundaries so she could have the same kind of adult relationship she had with her closest friends.  They had to be polite and civil, they shared mutual interests, and when there was a problem, they talked it out nicely.

June’s son required a long time before he believed the shift in June and even longer to accept it.  He needed her as a scapegoat for his failures and he really needed her to bail him out of his bad decisions and failures.  He hated that she wouldn’t give him endless amounts of money or make endless excuses for his behavior or be his whipped slave.  

June was testing to see if the only reasons he wanted contact with her were to get her money and to vent on her body.  I think it was his need of her baby sitting that finally brought him back.  Whatever the reason, that was the start of building a bridge between two adults.

Of course, there are many complications depending on your situation.  The best way to learn how to take power in your life and to be the person you want to be is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and counseling so you can:

1. Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.
2. Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to create the life your spirit has always hungered for.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert counseling and coaching by phone or Skype.

Public bullying requires public apologies, amends

Jane’s adult daughter had serious problems because of her public outbursts and poor decisions.

Even though Jane had been a good mother and had tried to do everything she could to please her daughter, her daughter vented all her frustration and negativity on Jane.  Conversations that started civilly would turn in an instant into vicious tirades of negativity, criticism, rage and bullying.  Everything was Jane’s fault; she was guilty and should accept all the blame and abuse.  Jane walked on egg shells.

Her daughter would call, text and Facebook everyone in the extended family about how rotten Jane was and had always been.  She hoped some of the family would support her and make Jane grovel to her.

After a few days, her daughter would call Jane and talk as if nothing had happened or she’d say, “Sorry,” and immediately change the subject.  Jane would accept the apology and try to build a bridge to her daughter.

After years of this pattern, Jane realized that private apologies and excuses led only to more public bullying.
Jane finally decided to try a new experiment.  Instead of accepting her daughter’s private and half-hearted “Sorry,” Jane said that wasn’t good enough.  She wanted a change in her daughter’s behavior and as a sign of her daughter’s sincerity she wanted her daughter to apologize in public to the rest of the family.  And that included saying it on Facebook.  That was the beginning of making amends.

Her daughter told her where to put that and hung up.  And texted and posted her anger and hatred.

Jane told everyone in the family what had happened and what she wanted.  No more half-hearted, weak “Sorry’s” and no more reversion to the same behavior.

And then Jane waited.
Eventually her daughter needed something from Jane, eventually the rest of the family ignored or pressured her daughter, eventually Jane started having a wonderful time in life instead of obsessing and worrying about her daughter.  Eventually her daughter was willing to behave decently in order to have contact with Jane.

Some people will never apologize, they’re too proud.  But you can see if their behavior changes.  And you get to decide the price you can live with.

This approach isn’t always effective.  Sometimes, adult children are too far gone into their own pain and hate.  But I’ve never seen one-way, bridge building be effective.

The same experience fits many other situations, whether the public bullying is overt or sneaky:

• Intimate relationships, partners and spouses who are sarcastic, critical and demeaning.
• Siblings who enjoy one-upping you.
• Friends who stab you in the back or put you down.
• Toxic parents who get the whole, extended family involved in their manipulation and lies.
• At work.

Of course, there are many complications depending on your situation.  The best way to learn how to take power in your life and to be the person you want to be is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and counseling so you can:

1. Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.
2. Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to create the life your spirit has always hungered for.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert counseling and coaching by phone or Skype.

Bullies use mediation to whip you

Susan’s angry daughter was looking forward to mediation.  She’d prepared, and with her therapists approval, heaped every charge of hurt feelings and every vindictive, nasty hostile event on Susan.  It wasn’t mediation, it was like being vomited on or like being whipped.

Susan’s daughter didn’t want any accommodation.  She knew she was right.  She was triumphant at the opportunity to beat Susan.

Bullies don’t want mediation and compromise, they don’t want to make reasonable plans for future interactions, they simply want to beat you up with their feelings.
Susan hadn’t understood her daughter simply wanted to make demands, prove that all her failures, bad feelings and dumb decisions were Susan’s fault.  Susan paid a mental and emotional price for trying to be nice.  Her daughter’s therapist thought it was wonderful for her daughter to vent her feelings.  And Susan deserved everything she got

Bullies want you to take their feelings seriously.
Susan’s daughter wanted Susan to dare argue with all the accusations.  But every time Susan tried, her daughter got louder and didn’t even listen.  She attacked even more.  She wanted Susan to accept the blame and do penance forever.  It was all her fault; she should feel guilty forever.

Her daughter’s therapist assumed that if Susan’s daughter was angry, Susan must have done something bad to her.
Actually Susan hadn’t done anything bad.  She’d tried to give her daughter everything, to save her from any hurt feelings and to justify her daughter’s feelings when she was growing up.  Susan realized that was a mistake.  She’d helped create a selfish, narcissistic monster.

But never again.  Susan decided:

1. She wouldn’t give her daughter anything.  She wouldn’t beg or bribe her daughter any more.  She wouldn’t try to make her daughter happy.
2. She wouldn’t take her daughter’s feelings seriously.  Instead she’d laugh when her daughter threw a hissy fit and tell her she needed a time out.  She wouldn’t argue or explain about the specific charges.  If her daughter always attacked and if Susan always defended, eventually Susan would lose and her daughter’s criticism, negativity, bullying and abuse would escalate and go on forever.
3. She’d simply tell her daughter to get over herself, to stop being a child throwing temper tantrums, to grow up and become an adult taking charge of her feelings and behavior.
4. She’d give up trying to explain herself and to educate her daughter about polite, civil conduct.  Her daughter might wake up to the need but it would be only after she had great failure and suffering.

Susan didn’t expect to change her daughter; she just wanted to protect herself from the alien who’d taken over her daughter’s body and personality.  As she started being happy and making a wonderful life for herself, she thought less and less about her daughter.  And her happiness and non-participation in beatings began to draw her daughter back to her as a civilized adult.  But that took a long time.

The same situation often occurs in couples mediation and mediation at work.

Of course, there are many complications depending on your situation.  The best way to learn how to take power in your life and to be the person you want to be is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and counseling so you can:

1. Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.
2. Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to create the life your spirit has always hungered for.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert counseling and coaching by phone or Skype.

Bullies want you walking on egg shells

Bullies want us walking on egg shells.  That’s a favorite tactic of manipulators and control-freaks in order to get power, control and turf.  They want us to give in because we’re afraid of the next explosion – whether it’s a vicious, nasty, abusive tirade or the loud silent treatment.

They want us trying to argue with them while they throw a temper tantrum or hissy fit.  The more we argue, the less we win.  They’re not rational.  Their reasons aren’t really what’s wrong.  We’ll never convince them they’re making a mountain out of a molehill.

They want us scared and on the defensive, afraid of what we’ll trigger.  They are super-sensitive whenever it’s to their advantage.  They want us to think it’s our fault because we pushed their trigger.  They take no responsibility for throwing fits.   They want us to bear the blame and guilt.  We’re the bad person because we upset them.  They want other people to rally around to protect poor them from the bad, insensitive person – us.

They claim “It’s just the way I am.”  They want us to adjust our lives, lower our standards of polite, civil conversation, and give them what they want.  Their hyper-sensitive tactic makes them “professional victims.”

It’s a good way they can avoid conversation and negotiations about what we want.

They want to scare and beat us into submission.  They often use this tactic in public because they know we’ll give in rather than create a scene.  They want us willing to give up everything to avoid the explosion.

They undercut legitimate authority (parents at home, supervisors at work) because they must be the unofficial center of power whenever they feel like it.

The more we walk on egg shells the more they’ll demand.  Their appetite for power and control is never satisfied.  The more fuel we throw on a fire, the more fuel it demands.

Of course, there are many complications depending on your situation.  The best way to learn how to take power in your life and to be the person you want to be is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and counseling so you can:

1. Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.
2. Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to create the life your spirit has always hungered for.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert counseling and coaching by phone or Skype.

Stop the toxic melodrama

June finally got it.  She said firmly and resolutely, “What a waste.  I’ve been wasting my life trapped in my adult kids’ melodramas.  Never again!”

Suddenly her future got bright and warm.  She could see the future she wanted so much.  We could see and hear her strength and determination.  She was mentally, emotionally and spiritually free.  A huge weight had been lifted off both her shoulders and heart.  It was clear and simple and immediate.  All she had to do now, was make it real by her actions.

She had to withdraw from dealing with their emotional turmoil, from solving their problems.  They weren’t kids anymore; they were adults.  No more negativity, anger, rebellion, blame, guilt, bullying, manipulation, hidden agendas or abuse.  They had tried it all.  No more endless psychotherapy about who said or did what and why.  No more emotional vomiting about each other’s feelings.  No more fighting over who got the biggest piece of pie.  She wouldn’t let those kind of soap-operas into her house through the television, so why let that in through personal interactions?

She wanted adult relationships.
What’s an adult relationship for June?

First, the content, the focus of what she wanted to talk about and do together.
June had wonderful friends who loved and cared for each other in ways that felt good.  When difficult situations came up in their lives, they each commiserated and explored how to solve the problems.  But personal psychodrama and melodrama were not the subjects of their interactions.  Mostly they brought each other books, movies, art, music and heroines to each other.  Most of them loved nature so they walked together, took day trips and the more physical went off to the woods and lakes.

They brought their excitement to each other.  They stimulated each other with what they brought each other.  Their lives were fun, even with all the mundane things they had to deal with and all the sudden tragedies.

She wanted that with her children also.

Second, the style or processes they used with each other.
Her friends were kindly and considerate of each other.  They listened carefully and talked respectfully.  They put their disparities in money, position and prestige aside.  They put petty envy or jealousy aside.  If someone had feelings about something, they didn’t attack anyone’s character or good will; they brought it up straightforwardly and discussed it.

That was easy for June and her friends.  But how about with her adult children?
June had thought she couldn’t demand that with her children.  She’d though a mother’s role was supposed to be different from a friends.  She’d though she simply had to love her children and give them everything they wanted to make them happy.  She thought she had to put up with everything they did to each other and to her while she tried to teach them lessons they evidently hadn’t learned growing up.  

Now she decided to offer them a better way to be happy.  She told them what she wanted, what she’d allow in her space.  She told them she was re-training them to be good adults.  She hoped they’d get it and enjoy it.  She hoped they’d apply the same standards to their relationships with each other and with their friends.

It was difficult at first as her children wanted to draw her back into the personal swamps they’d gotten used to.  But, one-by-one, most of the children accepted her rules for her personal space.  And they found they could have a better time together.

The happier June became with her life, the more her life opened up, the brighter her future became.

Of course, everyone is different about what they want to fill their lives with.

And of course the same goal applies toward our extended families and friends, and our interactions at work.

Of course, there are many complications depending on your situation.  The best way to learn how to take power in your life and to be the person you want to be is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and counseling so you can:

1. Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.
2. Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to create the life your spirit has always hungered for.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert counseling and coaching by phone or Skype.

Boundary-pushers will eat you...bite-by-bite

In the past five years, Jane’s 36 year-old daughter had spoken to her 5 times.  Actually, she hadn’t spoken; she’d screamed at Jane in public and private, saying her life was ruined because Jane had never loved her enough or given her enough.  Jane was evil, selfish and uncaring; followed a bunch of foul names.  She hoped Jane would rot in hell forever.by

But now Jane’s daughter wanted to come home for just a month with her surly 15 year-old son and two dogs.  She was divorcing and needed a place to stay, but, she assured Jane, it would only be until she could get enough money together to get her own place.  She said she still hated Jane but she’d be willing to put up with Jane for a little while.

This sounded to Jane like the last time, 10 years previously, when she’d allowed her daughter to come home for just a month.  He daughter had promised to help with the chores, take care of her dogs, take care of her son and work hard so she could move out.  But none of those promises had been kept.  Life was no fun for her daughter so each week she’d dropped one of the promises permanently.  Soon her daughter went out all day and evening with her friends, dumping Jane’s grandson on her whenever she felt like it.  She didn’t look for a job.  She still berated and cursed Jane whenever she wanted.  She’d only left after 5 years because it was more convenient to move in with the boyfriend she later married.

In a similar vein, Jack and his wife of 20 years were finally divorcing.  They’d reach a settlement for all their stuff.  Jack’s wife was interested in moving in with her boyfriend as soon as Jack gave her all she thought she wanted and deserved.  Jack tried to be fair and, as usual in their marriage, had given her what she’d demanded.

At the last meeting before presenting the signed agreement to a judge, Jack’s wife suddenly gave Jack an additional list of demands she’d decided she wanted.  Even her lawyer was surprised.  It made no sense to Jack.

The similarity between the two situations is in the boundary pushing.
Both Jane’s daughter and Jack’s wife made agreements and then didn’t keep them.  Then they’d want to open a new negotiation during which Jane and Jack would give them more.

Jane’s daughter tried to beat Jane into submission using blame and guilt and promises of a new life.  Jack’s wife manipulated him, through endless demands that she thought reasonable or simply by not making agreements.  Both Jane’s daughter and Jack’s wife thought they were right and deserving; they didn’t have to keep any agreements Jane and Jack forced them into.

Boundary pushers are relentless predators.  They criticize, bully, and abuse us into giving in.  The push all our buttons – guilt, anxiety, fear, decency, kindness.  They’re relentless until we give in – bite-by-bite.

Only after Jane and Jack acknowledged the pattern they’d seen but had tried to avoid admitting, only after Jane and Jack were willing to give up trying to rescue, please or save people they loved, only then could they begin to create lives they wanted with new people they wanted.  Only after they make the commitment to the futures they wanted, could they learn new beliefs and use new skills effectively.

Negotiating with some teenagers and two-year olds cam feel the same way.

Of course, there are many complications depending on your situation.  The best way to learn how to take power in your life and to be the person you want to be is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and counseling so you can:

1. Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.
2. Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to create the life your spirit has always hungered for.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert counseling and coaching by phone or Skype.

Bullies use your perfectionism

Bullies want to get their way and they’ll use any tactics to win.  One of their common tactics is to use your perfectionism to increase your self-doubt, hesitation and paralysis.  Then you’ll give in.

For example: Whenever Jane tried to complain about her boyfriend’s relentless and on-going criticism, negativity, put-downs and demands, he brought up the rare times she yelled at him.  Since he was right about those few times, Jane felt she had no right to complain about his abuse.  So she always gave in.  But her anger kept building and eventually she’d blow again.  Then she’d feel guilty she wasn’t perfect and let him abuse her again.

Another example: Sandra’s son, backed by his wife, constantly complained about what she hadn’t given him when he was growing up.  Sandra worked hard as single-parent but he still yelled about what he hadn’t gotten, how much he hates her and how he hopes she suffers the rest of her life.  He and his wife were abusive and bullying, especially at the holidays or when they wanted something and she hesitated.  His unhappiness is a club aimed at her heart.  Sandra knew she wasn’t perfect, so she kept trying to give him enough to make him happy.

Both Jane and Sandra are trapped by their own beliefs.
For example: “If I wasn’t perfect, I can’t complain,” and “Since I wasn’t perfect, he’s right to beat me up and I have to keep giving until he’s satisfied.”

With beliefs like that, they’ll never win.  Their bullies will never be happy.  Why should they be?  As long as they’re unhappy, they get what they want.

The key for both Jane and Sandra was to realize they didn’t have to be perfect to get what they wanted.  Sandra didn’t have to be perfect to stop her son from vomiting on her shoes.  Jane didn’t have to be perfect to demand that she be treated well.

Bullies tell you, you have to be perfect, according to them, before they treat you decently.
And they decide what’s perfect enough.

So give up perfectionism and get the blood-sucking predators out of your personal space.

Of course, there are many complications depending on your situation.  The best way to learn how to take power in your life and to be the person you want to be is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and counseling so you can:

1. Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.
2. Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to create the life your spirit has always hungered for.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert counseling and coaching by phone or Skype.

Dreams die; life goes on - choose!

Dreams die – worse than we imagined.  But we live – why should we go on; how can we?

Divorce is the end of a dream – sometimes we can’t believe what they did.  Or our parents turn out to be manipulative, critical, controlling, toxic people.  Our children aren’t born the way we hoped.  Our grown children turn out to be angry, entitled, abusive and bullying.  Friends prove false, negative and backstabbing.  People at work are sneaky, steal our ideas, blame failures on us, get us fired.  And so it goes.

How can we stop dedicating ourselves to rebuilding those destroyed dreams?  How can we move on past our shattered lives?

Every situation is different.  Every torment is unique.

I was born in 1939 and grew up in the shade of the holocaust.  Some of the survivors became inspirations to me about why and how to live again.

The survivors had lost everything – parents, children, siblings, family, friends, generations worth of stuff – everything.  And I noticed there were two kinds.

Some had stopped living – they survived but merely existed in a walking shell of pain and sorrow.  They suffered and mourned every moment.  They carried a black cloud the rest of their lives.  Perpetual downers.  Who can blame them?

The others lived again.  They never forgot.  Sometimes they shared memories and we wept.  Yet, beyond grief, shame, guilt, blame, they moved ahead.  They laughed again, they played with the children, they found love, they made new families, they celebrated life.  Despite the anguish, they planted themselves as new crops and they had new harvests.

There is no Right-Way.  But there is choice – once and then again and then again; every morning the sun comes up and we’re still breathing.

I chose the second way, dedicated to life.
When I work with people, I say the first way is also legitimate.  But the second way, as hard and difficult and long, is the way of new growth and life.

When we raise our glasses to toast, “L’Chiam,” we toast “To life,” not because it’s particularly pleasant at a certain moment but because, no matter what, life itself is the sweetest gift.  We crave it and we must use it well.  We must use it to make new blossoms with the rest of it that we have.

Remember “The Martian.”  Keep living as long as you’re breathing.

And I love the quote from Rabindranath Tagore, “Let me not pray to be sheltered from dangers but to be fearless facing them. Let me not beg for the stilling of my pain but for the heart to conquer it.”    

Of course, there are many complications depending on your situation.  The best way to learn how to take power in your life and to be the person you want to be is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and counseling so you can:

1. Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.
2. Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to create the life your spirit has always hungered for.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert counseling and coaching by phone or Skype.

Does one mistake doom you?

Dylan’s parent were distraught.  They knew Dylan was very bright but he wasn’t working hard enough in high school to guarantee he’d get into one of the very best schools.  He didn’t participate in enough extra-curricular activities to compete with the very best students.  They were sure Dylan would be a failure in the race of life.  Dylan didn’t care.  He was very happy doing what he did.  He didn’t feel the need to compete all the time with all the other kids.

Of course, we all want our kids to be successful, to make enough money, to be happy.  But Dylan’s parent had a bad case of a lethal virus.

Dylan’s parents thought that if he wasn’t the absolute best he would never amount to anything.
If he didn’t get the best grades or participate in the right activities he’d be doomed.  If he didn’t get into the very best schools, he’d never make enough money, get the right wife, have a good enough career, be happy.  Only the very smartest could succeed.  Life was a battle ground and any slip meant doom forever.

Dylan’s parents were excellent at imagining catastrophes all the time.  They felt intense pressure and tried to infect Dylan with the same virus.  But Dylan wouldn’t accept their gift.  He thought he’d do good enough and be happy.  When he was interested in something he worked hard at it and got A’s.  He wanted to enjoy himself while he pursued his own interests.  He felt no guilt, shame or panic.

What happened to Dylan?
Does it matter to us what happened to him?  Would our behavior toward ourselves and our children or grandchildren be changed if the latest scientific study showed that a certain percent of people with Dylan’s attitude actually did not succeed?  Or another study showed that relentlessly panicked parents caused major psychological problems for a certain percent of their children?

Sure we worry that our children won’t be motivated enough to succeed.  Sure, we worry they might slack off until it’s too late.

Dylan’s parents were excellent at catastrophizing and “self-bullying.”
I think what’s pernicious and infectious is the idea that we must go from success to success or we’re doomed, that only the top 0.1% will succeed in life, that we have to go only to the top 10-20 schools or we’ll fail.

Those ideas are simply not true in almost every area of life.  Sure, there are only a few prima ballerinas, a few MVPs in any sport, a few world’s best in a few professions.  And driving off a cliff can doom us.  But all the rest of the world is open to people who have not had the most outstanding beginnings, or have failed sometimes on their way to success.  Most mistakes do not doom us.

Oh, Dylan did great but his parents lived their lives wringing their hands in despair and worrying what their friends would think.  The virus was lethal to their lives and spirits.  How sad.

Of course, there are many complications depending on your situation.  The best way to learn how to take power in your life and to be the person you want to be is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and counseling so you can:

1. Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.
2. Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to create the life your spirit has always hungered for.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert counseling and coaching by phone or Skype.

Estranged from narcissistic, toxic, adult children #8: Forgiveness

When our adult children have destroyed our hopes and dreams because they’ve turned out to be narcissistic, volatile, angry, vindictive, bullying and abusive, and they’ve estranged themselves from us, we often torment ourselves with problems of forgiveness.

How can we forgive them for the terrible, hurtful things they’ve said and done?  How can we forgive ourselves for the mistakes we made as parents?

Politically correct thinking for a few generations has been that we must evolve to forgive them and over look what they’ve done; that to be spiritually advanced (and to increase the chances that they’ll come back as loving, appreciative and respectful children) we must forgive them; that we must open our hearts and lives to them over and over with infinite loving kindness; with unconditional love.

I think these ideas are wrong and they also don’t specify what is meant by forgiveness.

The true results of forgiveness are that:

1. We spend little time and energy thinking about people who’ve been cruel to us.
2. We’re protected from further harm by those people (no matter what the label is of the relationship).

Typically, we replay horrible incidents to remind ourselves to beware; as a motivation strategy to remind us to protect ourselves.

Forgiving others.
Typically, those angry, adult children say their problems are all our fault, they’re angry for just cause and we deserve all the beatings and harshness they want to dish out whenever they want to.  Their unhappiness and anger are our fault and we should pay.  They can use us and discard us whenever they don’t want to use us; as if we’re slaves or servants.

When we’re sure we’ll protect ourselves from further negativity, bullying and abuse, when we’re sure we won’t get sucked in again too far, then we can relax.  We can stop obsessing on what they did because we won’t need the motivation any more.  We can move on mentally, emotionally and spiritually in our lives.  Those people and those attacks can recede into the background because we don’t need the painful motivation strategy anymore.  We will protect ourselves naturally, automatically and easily.

Then we can forgive them in the sense that we wish them well, we hope they’ll have happy lives and we won’t think of the horrible things they did because now we’re safe.  We can love their spirit unconditionally even though we don’t like their personalities and refuse to volunteer for whippings.  We stop worrying and obsessing unless there’s a specific event coming up in which we’ll be exposed to their attacks or loud, silent treatment again.

Usually, we want signs that they’ve changed – public apologies, public admissions of their lies and vicious attacks, making amends by returning the money we lent them, etc.  But we can still protect ourselves even if they’re still throwing temper tantrums.  Next time we’ll talk about apologies and promises.

If the meantime, we all know that it’s easier to stop thinking about them when we keep them far away – emotionally and physically.  Of course that’s hard.  That’s not how we want it to be.  But that may be how it is in order for us to be protected.

Forgiving ourselves.
For a few generations we’ve been taught that if someone is angry, we must have done something terrible to them.  So we worry, “What did I do wrong?  What am I doing wrong right now?  How can I make it up to them?”

The false reasoning is that if someone is angry they always have good reasons, someone must have wronged them.  The false reasoning is no one would ever use anger to get what they want just like kids throwing temper tantrums.  The false reasoning is that there are no anger addicts.  The false reasoning is also that if I could only say the magic words or give them enough, then they would love me.

So when they’re not beating us up or emotionally blackmailing or intimidating us, we beat ourselves up: “If only If was good enough?”

I call that “Self-Bullying.”
This is the most insidious type of bullying because we’re doing it to ourselves.  You know, that little voice inside that stacks up all our mistakes, all our failings, all our sins, “If only I was a better person, if only I had given them what they wanted when they were little, if only I hadn’t divorced, if only I hadn’t made their lives painful.”

Nonsense. Their feelings are not our fault.  Whatever the circumstances were, when we forgive ourselves we can see clearly that their feelings are not our fault.  Whatever the situations, they could have chosen to be strong and brave because of the challenges they faced.  They could have chosen to be less vindictive and nasty.

When we forgive ourselves, we are not abject beggars in life because we don’t deserve better.  Our futures open up again.  W We can think and feel and act better in the future.  We can find happiness, peace and serenity.  We can find and be worthy of people who will appreciate, love and cherish us.  We can create a family of our hearts, minds and spirits.

“Define yourself by the best that is in you, not by the worst that has happened to you.” Edward Lewis

Of course, there are many complications depending on your situation.  The best way to learn how to take power in your life and to be the person you want to be is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and counseling so you can:

1. Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.
2. Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to create the life your spirit has always hungered for.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert counseling and coaching by phone or Skype.

Estranged from narcissistic, toxic, adult children or parents

I’ve added two new videos to my YouTube channel.  They’re 4-5 minute clips on specific areas of how to stop bullies at home and in relationships.

End estrangement from narcissistic, toxic, adult children:
You were not a bad parent; you didn’t do anything particularly wrong.  If anything you gave too much.  But now these adult bullies blame you for everything in their past and for all their present problems.  The hatred and anger, the manipulating and controlling, the bullying and abuse, goes on and on.

We talk about how to make something wonderful out of your remaining 20-30-40-50 years.  Be the hero of the rest of your life. Take charge of your future by taking charge of yourself.

Stop bullying by narcissistic, controlling, toxic parents:
Even though you’re an adult, narcissistic, controlling, toxic parents can still make your life miserable.  No matter how much they bullied and abused you when you were younger, they still claim you owe them respect and loyalty, and you should do what they want and need now.  They don’t value your opinion or standards; they know best; you’re not important, they are; you’re still the bad child; you’re selfish and ungrateful; and you’re crazy because you don’t accept their view of reality or of your motives.  Blah, blah, blah.

This is a test for you.  This is a moment of truth.  This is where you choose the beliefs, attitudes, rules and roles for yourself as an adult.  This is where you have a chance to throw off the burden of the brain-washing they subjected you to for years.

You must stand up against the culture they tried to beat you into.  You must start living by a new culture; one that fills your heart, mind and spirit.

You owe them nothing.  You owe everything to your future and the wonderful life you can create.  You owe everything to the family you need to protect and to set an example for.  Protecting your personal space is more important than ineffective old rules about “polite” behavior.

Of course, there are many complications depending on your situation.  The best way to learn how to take power in your life and to be the person you want to be is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and counseling so you can:

1. Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.
2. Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to create the life your spirit has always hungered for.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert counseling and coaching by phone or Skype.

Estranged from narcissistic, toxic, adult children #7: Transformation

When our narcissistic, volatile, angry, vindictive, bullying, abusive, toxic adult children have estranged themselves from us, the way ahead is painful but our choices are clear:

1. Wallow forever (the next 20-30-40-50 years) in the excruciating pain and loss of our life’s center.
2. A miracle through time, their life-experience and our prayers brings them back, either through talking it out or because we’ll never talk about it – but there’s a reconciliation and a gradual re-connection, especially with our grandchildren.
3. We are transformed and healed; we never get over but we do get through pain and loss and grief, and emerge a different person, ready to find happiness and joy in the world as it is for us.

Transformation is the miracle that has been wrought in our own lives.
We let go of our old ways of being – old rules, roles, beliefs, fears, hopes and dreams.  We are transformed spiritually into new beings, we are reborn into a new way of being.  We become people who let go of the old center of life that caused tremendous pain and anguish, and we become newly born with a new center.

We stop taking the blame for past mistakes and failures; we stop trying to convince those toxic children we love them; we stop trying to patch the holes in their emotional buckets.  We say, “Grow up.  Aspire to be wonderful adults.  And I’m not going on that emotional roller coaster with you anymore.”

We withdraw our energy from toxic people who return our love and caring with their anger, vindictiveness and scorn.  We stop worrying and obsessing on them.  We leave them and wish them well.  We take our love and caring to people to return it with their own appreciation, respect and love.  This new way of being in the world goes against the old way – centered only on blood.

We give to children in cancer wards; we give to veterans in hospitals and rehab centers; we give to those who receive with grace and gratitude our love, compassion and mercy.  We give to ourselves the gifts of love and peace and joy, of participating in a world with people who want us.

Of course it’s hard; being reshaped in the fire of loss and pain is always hard; going on a new adventure with new difficulties is always hard.  So what?

“Every journey starts with fear.” Jake Gyllenhall

By the way, in my experience, helping hundreds of people, this last approach – transformation – is the best and fastest way to obtain reconciliation.  
Those toxic bullies know we’ve let go of our end of the fight and of the pain they caused us by dumping us.  We’ve moved on to have a life filled with joy.  We’ve estranged or dumped them.  It’s as if they read the “vibes” (yes, I’m that old), sense the shift and don’t want to be estranged by us.  They are stimulated to return and reconcile.

Of course, there are many complications depending on your situation.  The best way to learn how to take power in your life and to be the person you want to be is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and counseling so you can:

1. Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.
2. Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to create the life your spirit has always hungered for.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert counseling and coaching by phone or Skype.

Estranged from narcissistic, toxic, adult children #6: Saying, "Enough!"

In that temporary recovery phase – where we recover from the total destruction of our hopes and dreams because our adult children have turned out to be narcissistic, volatile, angry, vindictive, bullying, abusive, losers – there’s a point at which we simply give up trying to straighten out their personalities, we stop trying to explain and educate, we stop trying to bribe them with one more kindness or gift in hopes they’ll finally appreciate and love us.

We say, “Enough!  I’m done with that.”
I won’t let them torture my heart any more.

We still love them but now we admit we don’t like their personality.  And we’re so exhausted because of the beatings and being jerked around, that we simply give up trying to rehabilitate them.  Not our job anymore.  Let them learn the hard way.  Let the world teach them the price of being rotten jerks.

At that point we can heave a great sigh of relief that an incredible burden has been lifted from our shoulders.  We’re done with all that.  They’re adults and they’re on their own.

We’ve all had prior experience of letting go and moving on – no matter how painful at the moment.
Deep inside we all know how to do that.  For example: We ripped off a Band-Aid; we took out a splinter and cleaned the wound; we had a pre-cancerous growth removed from the back of our arms.  We grew up and stopped desperately wanting a toy or gadget or fashion item we thought we couldn’t live without; we stopped bearing the whole burden of reconciliation with friends who turned out to be false; we got divorced.  And we found freedom and healing.

Deep inside we know how to do that.  Now we stop making excuses about why this situation is different and we simply say, “Enough!  I’m done with that.”

I’m done with:

• Worrying and obsessing about the perfect or right or acceptable thing to say or do.
• Putting out all the effort to be nice.
• Making their feelings the center of my life and never getting my feelings taken care of.
• Begging and bribing them, to throw me a crumb.
• Being satisfied with one semi-nice thing when there’s been a hundred stabbings and clubbing.
• Worrying what other people might think.
• Giving up on him/her.

Then we find we’re back in charge of the second most important set of decision in life: What do we pay attention to?  What will we focus on?
Think of all the time and calories we wasted paying attention to them, long after it was necessary – thinking about them, worrying what to say and do, obsessing on every hidden meaning or interpretation, dreading the next manipulation or attack.  What a waste of time and energy.  Maybe good only if we want to make that our weight-loss program.  But, really, not a good idea.

Then we gain freedom to focus on life again – on remembering what we used to love to do, what we did that gave us real pleasure and joy, on reconnecting with the sources that fill our emotional and spiritual gas tanks.  We can step back and have lots of flexibility in how we deal with them, given that we’re not going to waste time obsessing on what’s the best or right or perfect thing to do that might bring them back.

That’s the start of the ascent out of the pit of hell and into the light of the rest of our wonderful lives.  If anyone asks how we can be sure they’ll never change, we can laugh and joyously say that’s a silly and irrelevant question.  Of course, there’s always hope, but the real question is what am I going to do right now to have a wonderful time?  The reason to stop thinking about them (or to start thinking about them less and less) is that we want to.  That’s more than enough reason.  Simple and clear.

And we’ll respond to what those bullies do when we get there.  We don’t have to worry about that distant future.  “The chain of destiny should be grasped one link at a time.” Winston Churchill

And, of course, there are moments when we get our hopes up once again, and the only answer is, “Don’t get sucked into obsessing on hopes, have a fabulous time and we’ll see how long-term any changes are.”

Win the argument by not wasting time and energy on it; by detaching from it; by using the time and energy to create a fabulous life.

Of course, there are many complications depending on your situation.  The best way to learn how to take power in your life and to be the person you want to be is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and counseling so you can:
1. Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.
2. Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to create the life your spirit has always hungered for.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert counseling and coaching by phone or Skype.

Estranged from narcissistic, toxic, adult children #5: Recovery

Recovery is the temporary phase where we:

1. Descend into more pain and suffering when we realize that our angry, vindictive, narcissistic, adult children hate us for no good reason and want us around only to enjoy looting everything we have, and bullying, abusing and torturing us.
2. Ascend from the pit of despair into the sunshine of a new life.

The recovery phase (like recovery from other addictions), however long and heart-breaking is temporary; it has an end when we dedicate ourselves to making one.

There are many processes that can help us through the recovery phase and helpers who can make it more swift and less painful.

There is one goal; breathing deep the warm air of a new life full of joy and passion despite the loss.
As Judy Collins said, “There are some things you never get over, but you can get through them.”

There are two groups of people responding differently to any great tragedy.  Take the holocaust for example.  All had lost everything – husbands, wives, children, parents, siblings, friends, precious things.  All were broken and faced emptiness and darkness.  One type responded by making the rest of their lives merely existence; life burnt up like a candle of perpetual mourning.  Easy to understand why.

But the other type responded by creating and living new lives, with new connections, with new joys.  Of course they never forgot the old dreams and old loves, but they chose to make new dreams and new loves.  Their candles burn bright with inspiration for us, whose tragedies pale by comparison but are nevertheless ours.  We must choose our lives wisely.

When we start the ascent, we turn away from the life other people trained us for.
We stop being addicted to the life we hoped to have, the life we thought would bring us fulfillment and joy, the life centered on other people who turned out to be not worthy of the pearls we bring, people who would not make joy and great lives with the gifts we bring.

Now, we are long after the time when we rightly centered our lives around the growing seeds of our infants, who would have died without us; long after we had to nurture the tender, growing shoots that were children; even long after they became hardy enough to grow on their own and bear the fruit they freely chose to bear.

Now, we have to turn our backs on that other-focused role and turn toward the future, with us and a joyous life at the center of the future.  Now, the desire for that future is stronger than the yearning for a past that’s gone with the wind.  Now, we yearn for a life full of connection with those who will appreciate and make the most out of the pearls we give them; with those who will bear beautiful fruit when we water them with our love.  These people are the true family of our hearts, minds and spirits.

Before we focus on the external matters of dealing with the wolves or those who want to use us as whipping posts, recovery means that we do the inner work; we make that turning to the future joy that will become the focus or our eyes and hearts; the focus our next 20-30-40-50 years..

We find the inner strength, courage and determination to ascend, no matter what.
We find within ourselves with that fire and steel that is actually at our core, that has always been at the core of all our ancestors who survived the worst that nature and other people could throw at them, the core we inherited, the core that has been their real legacy to us.  

Now, we become the heroes and heroines of our lives.  Who else is better qualified?
There are many processes we can use but only one goal: Life!  Our wonderful futures are calling our names.  Listen.  “Come out from the darkness.  Come into the light.  Come into the warmth of love and joy returned.”  Now, we can deal with the external arrangements we need to make about these ingrates and predators.

Of course, there are many complications depending on your situation.  The best way to learn how to take power in your life and to be the person you want to be is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and counseling so you can:

1. Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.
2. Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to create the life your spirit has always hungered for.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert counseling and coaching by phone or Skype.

Estranged from narcissistic, toxic, adult children #4: Can we reconcile?

Good parents whose angry, vindictive, narcissistic, toxic, adult children are estranged, feel crushed and heart-broken.

They’ll never let us see our beloved grandchildren unless we accept blame, guilt for all their emotions, bad decisions and failures; we accept repeated beatings (verbal and sometimes physical); we give them everything they want at the moment and kiss their feet whenever they want.

They’re negative and hypercritical.  They misinterpret everything we do and give themselves reasons they think are good enough to justify their anger and rage.  They always have reasons and justifications to bully and abuse us.  They blow up and throw temper tantrums.  They’re always right and we’re always wrong.  Or when we’re right, it doesn’t really count.

Can we ever reconcile?
Yes.  But there’s a big “but.”  I’ve never seen success with the typical way we all try to build bridges or keep the door open.  Some of the ways that do not bring them back are to keep:

1. Giving them what they want in hopes they’ll know we love them and the door is always open so that, by some miracle, one day they’ll wake up transformed into decent, loving, caring adults with great character.
2. Trying to educate, explain and teach what’s right.  They don’t have the same standards of right and wrong that we do.  And they don’t want to learn ours.
3. Arguing about who did what.  Argue that they’re misinterpreting, that their feelings are way out of proportion, or debate or reason with their emotions.
4. Bribing them by giving them gifts and money.  Appease them by accepting blame and guilt so they can beat us even more.
5. Begging or pleading with them to treat us decently, without any real consequences for criticism, name-calling, cursing, wishing us dead or physical violence.  Words – polite asking or threats – without consequences are begging.
6. Thinking that if they see us suffer enough, they’ll become nice to us.

These methods have zero chance of succeeding.  

You can’t reconcile with predators.
You’ve tried everything you could think of – you’ve tried minimizing, ignoring, explaining, reasoning, accepting blame, begging, bribing, threatening – but it hasn’t worked.  Again, not your fault.  They don’t want to reconcile.  Period.  

“Reconcile” is not in their vocabulary.  Winning, eating your flesh, drinking your blood, draining your resources and discarding you – those are in their vocabulary.  They are predators.

How can you reconcile with a hungry wolf, shark or energy vampire?  They want to devour you.  Period.

They won’t forgive.
They might pretend for a while in order to get what they want, but as soon as they have it, they start tormenting us again.

Bullies, abusers and predators misinterpret our kind, caring, moral gestures as weakness.  They think we’re easy prey and they go after us even more.  They want to hurt us; they’re happy when they see us suffer.

Ignorance is not the problem.  Education is not the solution.  They think their lives wouldn’t be messed up if we hadn’t harmed them way back when.  They think their criticism, anger and rage are justified now because we did or do something they don’t like.

Trying to change them is like trying to change the weather.  Good luck with that.  Better strategy: when it’s winter, take the necessary precautions.

What is effective?
The only approach I’ve even seen be effective in bringing them and our grandchildren back into our lives is to set clear boundaries with consequences.  They have to pay a price – good behavior – to get close to us.

Not every adult child is strong enough to finally grow up.  However, some chance is better than zero chance the other way.

Many techniques for doing this are the subject of the next article.

Of course, there are many complications depending on your situation.  The best way to learn how to take power in your life and to be the person you want to be is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and counseling so you can:

1. Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.
2. Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to create the life your spirit has always hungered for.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert counseling and coaching by phone or Skype.

Estranged from narcissistic, toxic, adult children #3: Not our fault

Good parents whose narcissistic, toxic, adult children are estranged, feel crushed and heart-broken.  The cruelty and pain is excruciating when our angry, vindictive, adult children threaten that they’ll never let us see our beloved grandchildren unless we accept guilt for all their emotions, bad decisions and failures; we accept repeated beatings (verbal and sometimes physical); we give them everything they want at the moment and kiss their feet whenever they want.

They always have reasons and justifications to bully and abuse us.  They’re always right and we’re always wrong.  Or when we’re right, it doesn’t really count.

They blame us for all their bad feelings and problems in life.  They misinterpret everything we do and give themselves reasons they think are good enough to justify their anger and rage.  They’re negative and hypercritical.  They blow up and throw temper tantrums.

It’s not our fault they’re unhappy or they’ve failed; we didn’t do anything particularly bad to them.
Don’t accept blame, shame and guilt.  We really did nothing so bad.  We did not beat them senseless, we did not torture them, we did not brutalize or enslave them, we did not deprive them of the necessities of life.

Our mistake was to believe the experts of our times.  For decades, our society has had some false beliefs:

1. If you give children what they want, if you make them happy, if you don’t demand high standards of conduct and if you protect them from the consequences of mistakes or failure, they’ll grow up with self-confidence, self-esteem and good character.  They’ll appreciate what they got and they’ll respect their parents.
2. If we felt the sting of not having enough when we were growing up, we should give our children more, we should give them what we didn’t get.
3. If people (our children) are unhappy or unsatisfied or angry, someone (us) must have done something bad to them.
4. If adult children are mean, hateful or failures, they have good reasons and their parents are to blame.

None of these beliefs is true.

For all cultures and in all times I’ve seen, when a society becomes rich and opulent (we really are “first world”) parents indulge their children.  Then many more children grow up feeling entitled to everything they want.  They remain selfish, greedy, narcissistic, arrogant, demanding, blaming and weak children in adult bodies.  They can’t face the real challenges and disappointments in life.  And they exhibit the behaviors we’ve seen and felt.

That’s just the way it is and has always been.

These children have free will and they chose poorly – maybe they chose to follow the selfish bullies they saw growing up in the family instead of your loving, caring, giving example.

What we did wrong.
We gave too much.  When these children grew up they keep expecting us to make their lives work smoothly and if we don’t, they’re enraged.  And if we stop giving them everything they want and if we stop taking all the blame for what they don’t like, they’re enraged.

They’re still throwing little-kid, temper tantrums.  They’re still stamping their feet and screaming, “It’s not fair.  I feel what I feel and it’s your fault.”  Now they’re in control and we’d dance to their demands or else.

Now we’re stuck trying to re-train them when they have the power to deprive us of our greatest pleasures: Being loved by our children and grandchildren.

But there is hope we can take back control of our lives and our futures.  We can forgive ourselves and take back control.  Our future is calling to our spirits.  We must answer the call or our lives will shrivel.  We’ll waste the last 30-40 years that can still be wonderful.  It’s simply a matter of choosing to respond with courage, strength and determination.  And, of course it’s hard.

Of course, there are many complications depending on your situation.  The best way to learn how to take power in your life and to be the person you want to be is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and counseling so you can:

1. Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.
2. Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to create the life your spirit has always hungered for.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert counseling and coaching by phone or Skype.

Estranged from narcissistic, toxic, adult children #2: Worse than death?

Good parents whose narcissistic, toxic, adult children are estranged feel crushed and heart-broken.  The cruelty and pain is excruciating when our angry, vindictive, adult children threaten that they’ll never let us see our beloved grandchildren unless we accept guilt for all their emotions, bad decisions and failures; we accept repeated beatings (verbal and sometimes physical); we give them everything they want at the moment and kiss their feet whenever they want.

It feels worse than if our child had died.
That’s bad enough but at least then it would be over and done.  We’d have more than enough grief wrapping our hearts and minds around that.

But with a toxic, adult child, the hatred and anger, the manipulating and controlling, the bullying and abuse, can go on and on.

Part of what makes it worse is that we keep hoping and we keep approaching to try to reconcile.  Which means we keep getting tormented and brutalized.  Sometimes, they’re nice for a few minutes because they want money or babysitting or the pleasure of destroying our dreams…again.

They haven’t died, although we sometimes secretly think that might make our lives easier and we’d heave a great sigh of relief.

Also it feels worse because our life’s dream has died.
The sun around which our hopes revolved has exploded.  We’ve lost the center we counted on.  We feel like we’re drifting, alone and lost, weighed down by sadness, pain and gut-wrenching grief.

Not only has the dream with one child died, but our whole solar system has been destroyed.

This accurate image tells us what we have to do.  No matter how hard.  No matter how long it takes.  We must put a wonderful, rich, full universe together in order to make life worth living.  We did it before when we were growing up and now we have to do it again, even though we hadn’t planned to.  We must put something at the center of our universe around which we revolve, something so attractive and compelling, it’s worth getting out of bed each morning, something that will bring joy to our hearts and spirits even though there’s been a death in the family.

Remember, in all past generations and societies, every family experienced deaths of children and had to learn to go on.  This may be worse but the same is required of us.

Our future is calling to our spirits.  We must answer the call or our lives will shrivel.  We’ll waste the last 30-40 years that can still be wonderful.  It’s simply a matter of choosing to respond with courage, strength and determination.  And, of course it’s hard.

Of course, there are many complications depending on your situation.  The best way to learn how to take power in your life and to be the person you want to be is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and counseling so you can:

1. Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.
2. Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to create the life your spirit has always hungered for.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert counseling and coaching by phone or Skype.