Bullying husband? Saving the marriage is up to him

Jill wanted to save her marriage.

Her husband, Charlie, was narcissistic and relentlessly negative and critical of her.  He bullied and abused her.  He always knew what was right and when she didn’t obey him, he blew up.  He hadn’t hit her yet but she was afraid his angry tirades would escalate into physical violence.  The situation sounded just like what he’d told her had happened in his first marriage.

She thought that since the only thing she could change was herself, she’d change to fit what Charlie wanted.  She was sure when Charlie got what he wanted he’d finally like her as he had when they’d first met.

But no matter how much she changed, it was never enough.  Charlie was never pleased.  So she decided to change even more in order to save the marriage.  However, there were points beyond which she could never go.  Her spirit rebelled more and more, and she even started to dislike Charlie.

When she called me, her question was still, “How can I save the marriage?”

After a while she saw that the more she accepted the total responsibility for changing to please Charlie, the more she disliked him.  The conflict between the two sides of her was depressing her.

Jill’s breakthrough came when she saw that:

1. She didn’t want to save the marriage as it was.  She wanted to save a better marriage that was exciting and fulfilling to her.  It was a marriage with people treating each other the way Charlie had when they first met.
2. Charlie also had to want to save the marriage that she dreamed about.  But it seemed that he only wanted to save the marriage in which she was his perfect servant.

All she could really do was to act in the way her spirit would be thrilled, hold out a vision of the wonderful marriage she wanted and give Charlie an opportunity to change to fit that vision.

She could do her part but it was up to Charlie to do his part to save the wonderful marriage she hoped for.  She couldn’t save that marriage all by herself.  Charlie had to want to save it just as much as she did.

Of course, there are many complications depending on your situation.  The best way to learn how to stop being used, manipulated and bullied is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and counseling so you can:

1. Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.
2. Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to create the life your spirit has always hungered for.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert coaching by phone or Skype.

Stop Toxic boundary-pushers

Toxic boundary-pushers come in all shapes and sizes - husbands, wives, parents, adult children, friends, dates, co-workers.

Some are open in trying to beat you into submission.  Others are sneaky and manipulative.  Typical tactics include:

• They’re narcissistic; only their wants and reasons (excuses, justifications) matter.  You count only to give them what they want at the moment.  They change their demands and reasons anytime they feel like it.
• They want you to argue with their reasons because they’ll never concede a point or agree with you.  You’ll never get their understanding or permission to do anything different from what they want.  You’ll be trapped arguing until you give in.
• They’ll use emotional blackmailing words like “You’re uncaring, selfish, demanding, disagreeable, not nice, too proud or stubborn.”
• They always know best; they’re right and righteous.  They’re bullies who mastered their techniques and methods.
• Sometimes they’ll be sweet but your experience tells you that they want you to relax before they push the next boundary or make the next demand.
• When you try to make peace through negotiation, you’re the only one who gives anything.  Then they start pushing the boundaries you agreed upon in order to start a new round of negativity and harassment until you concede some more.
• You know you’re facing one when you feel pushed, controlled and abused.  Your vote never counts when it goes against theirs.

Appeasement and bribery never succeed because they always want more.  You know that from your own experience.

You can’t stop them by being nice and reasonable.  They have totally different meaning for those words.  To them “nice” and “reasonable” mean you do what they want.

They only way I’ve ever seen to have a chance is to be firm about what you will and won’t do.

• You can learn to be calm and smiling and firm at the same time.
• Never try to justify yourself.  They will win if you debate or argue.  Just keep repeating your original declaration until you feel like walking away.
• Then walk (or hang up or send them away).  Threats without consequences are bribery.  Simply apply the consequences with a smile.

Enjoy taking back control of yourself.

Remember, you’ll be condemned whatever you do or don’t do so do what you want with joy.  They don’t get to vote

Don’t believe them they try to convince you that you’re helpless and resistance is futile.

Of course, there are many complications depending on your situation.  The best way to learn how to stop being used, manipulated and bullied is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and counseling so you can:

1. Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.
2. Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to create the life your spirit has always hungered for.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert coaching by phone or Skype.

Stop enabling narcissistic adult children

Narcissistic adult children demand you do what they want, try to control you, push every boundary, throw temper tantrums, blackmail you by withholding their love or your grandchildren, try to bribe you with sweetness and affection when they want something, and blame their behavior on you.

Every time you give them what they want, they demand something else.  They say your job is to make them happy.  They try to stimulate your guilt and shame for every sin they say you committed when they were kids.

What a nasty and unending list.  If you were an average parent or better (you didn’t need to be perfect according to them), don’t accept blame and guilt.  You don’t deserve to be used and abused.  You don’t owe them anything anymore.  Probably, your only big mistake was giving in to them too much, hoping they’d wake up one day straightened out and loving like they were when they were infants.  Don’t hold your breath waiting for that miracle.

Selfish, narcissistic, manipulative bullies misinterpret your kindness and compassion as weakness and an invitation to demand more.  They think they’re entitled to whatever they want.  They always have reasons, excuses and justifications for being obnoxious.  They claim their problems and rotten lives are all your fault.  Their justifications will last forever.

I’ve never seen parents be able to purchase respect and civility from these narcissistic adult children.  There’s no hope down that path.  Stop meddling and enabling them.  These adult children will remain predators as long as you feed them.

The only path with hope is to stop giving them anything, to demand civil behavior or to cut off contact.  Don’t debate or argue about who’s right.  Tell them you know they’re strong enough to make wonderful lives for themselves.  Be full of joy when you protect yourself and your futurebecause, really, you are taking your life back.  Now you can enjoy the rest of your life.  You can surround yourself with people who respect and admire you, with people who are fun to be with.

Of course it’s hard and there are usually many complications.  But if you continue to feed to them while they rip your heart out, you’ll be bled dry.  Your life will shrivel up like a prune.

If your children are still kids, you have a chance to stop the patterns now.  With a big smile, teach them that they won’t always get what they want, that they can’t always beat you into submission or bribe you into giving in.  And that there are consequences for throwing temper tantrums.  And they’re not destroyed when they don’t always get everything they want.  And nothing is for free.

The best way to learn how to stop being used, manipulated and bullied is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and counseling so you can:

1. Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.
2. Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to create the life your spirit has always hungered for.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert coaching by phone or Skype.

Narcissistic, controlling parents

Julie grew up feeling like she was living someone else’s life.  She never got to determine how she felt and what she wanted to do.  She always aware that she should please her parents.

She had to do what her parents wanted in order to make them happy.  They yelled or hit her when she wouldn’t.  Or sometimes, they got mean or manipulative, using her shame and guilt to coerce her.  Even when they gave presents, she knew she had to go overboard in appreciating them, and later there would be strings.  They never gave anything without taking something in return or requiring some service of her.

Her parents were demanding and toxic.

When she grew up, she had managed to break away and make her own family, but she was constantly being drawn back into tasks to make her parents happy or to help them when they wanted.  They always had good reasons why she should do what she wanted the way they wanted her to.

When they got older, their requests got more numerous and demanding.  Julie finally realized that they didn’t have physical problems, they only wanted a servant.  And they never reciprocated.  Her feelings and needs simply didn’t matter to them.

When she learned to think of them as narcissistic control-freaks, her world changed.

She could see all the sneaky bullying and manipulation; all the criticism and negativity when she wouldn’t satisfy them immediately.  Actually, they were never satisfied.  As soon as she did something for them, they’d be back with criticism about how little she did or how poorly, and with new requests for more service.

According to them, Julie’s most important task in life was to make them happy.  That was more important than her marriage or her own children.

Notice, there’s no psychoanalysis of her parents.  Reasons and excuses don’t matter.  When Julie focused on their behavior, the whole picture became clear.  And she was able to take control of her own life and started honoring her own boundaries and needs.

I find the same patterns of selfish manipulation in all types of relationships: with spouses, dates, adult children and friends.  And, of course, in the workplace.

The best way to learn how to stop being used, manipulated and bullied is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and counseling so you can:

1. Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.
2. Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to create the life your spirit has always hungered for.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert coaching by phone or Skype.

Negative self-talk, judgment; self-bullying

John saw only his worst sides.  Sometimes he did things to get praised, sometimes because he wanted something back, sometimes for the money; sometimes he yelled at the kids, sometimes he said an unkind thing to his wife; sometimes he made up excuses to avoid odious tasks, sometimes he cut corners on tasks he didn’t really want to do.

Usually he focused on only that side of himself.  Of course, seeing only those examples he judged himself harshly.  His negative self-talk, a little voice behind his right ear, told him he was greedy, worthless, mean, arrogant and obnoxious.  Then he’d give up on himself and any projects he’d planned to do.  But, he thought, at least he was beating himself down before anyone else could.

John’s self-bullying could depress him; he lost confidence, self-esteem and courage.

He suffered bouts of insecurity and anxiety.  He thought he was a fake when people liked him or praised him or promoted him at work.  In the depths of his despair he thought that there was something deep and inherently wrong with him.

This type of self-bullying might have been a good motivation strategy to get John working hard when he was growing up.  His parents had practiced it relentlessly and John had continued it long after he left home and built his own life.  Part of the justification for seeing all his failures was so he wouldn’t get a swelled head and become an arrogant, conceited jerk.  But self-flagellation had begun to extract too great a toll on his life.

When John was able to put the few examples of his “failures” as a human being into the context of all the wonderful things he did, his life took a turn for the better.  His imperfections were really minor.  He was then able to motivate himself by seeing his successes, some coming after hard work and many struggles.  He realized he was capable of learning, improving, making good choices and, especially, of succeeding.

By seeing the whole picture, he could also see that life wasn’t black-and-white.  He didn’t have to be perfect to get into heaven.  He didn’t have to be perfect to be liked, loved and appreciated.

Then he could finally take a deep breath, relax and love other people when the majority of what they did was worth loving.  He began to enjoy the wonderful life he’d created.

The best way to learn how to stop bullying yourself and start being the person you want is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and counseling so you can:

1. Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.
2. Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to create the life your spirit has always hungered for.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert coaching by phone or Skype.

Bullying husband? Take action

Cyndi's husband was a negative, controlling, abusive bully.  He yelled, threatened, never let her spend money and knew that he was right.  He had the power and should be in charge.

Cyndi studied the literature on narcissists, control-freaks and bullies.  She researched her husband’s family history.  When she pointed out his family patterns or tried to argue with him, he got worse.  When she tried to show him he fit the Seven Early Warning signs of bullies, he yelled that she was the bully.  

She hated conflict and confrontation.  She didn’t know what to do.  Nothing she read helped.  Maybe, she thought, someday she’d read something that held the magic key.  She’d say the right thing and her husband’s eyes would open; he’d see what a bully he was and he’d change.

That was Cyndi’s problem.  As long as she read and thought; as long as she learned more and more about why bullies were bullies, she’d remain stuck.
As long as she refused to take action, even though action was the only hope of her having a bully-free personal space, she’d remain a victim to her fears and her need to know everything.

The key that unlocked Cyndi’s power was changing the question.  Instead of, “Why is he a bully?” Cyndi started asking herself, “How do I want to be treated?  What is non-negotiable and what is non-negotiable?”  Instead of arguing about labels (Was he a bully or a control-freak or a narcissist?) Cyndi simply focused of what behavior she wanted in her life and what she wouldn’t live with.

Instead of looking for an easy, comfortable, instantaneous, magical method, Cyndi remember all the things she’d learned simply by doing them over and over, and getting better bit by bit.  Instead of letting her weakness and feelings stop her, Cyndi got determined to do the hard things that made her heart sing, despite the fear.

Action, step-by-step, led Cyndi to freedom and power over her own life.
Cyndi’s actions, intended to create a better living environment for both of them, impressed her husband with the need for him to change if he wanted to stay married to her.

Of course, the same action approach is necessary to stop bullying wives, dates, entitled teenagers, toxic parents, toxic adult children and friends.  Actions speak louder than words.  They’ll only listen to actions.

The best way to learn how to take power in your life and to stop bullying is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and counseling so you can:

1. Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.
2. Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to create the life your spirit has always hungered for.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert coaching by phone or Skype.

Toxic parents won't love you

Joe had always been a good boy.  He did what his parents wanted and he’d always hoped they would love him, accept him, compliment him and approve of him.  But they never had.

Their criticism was negative, nasty, personal, vicious and unending.  They were bullying and abusive.  No matter what he did, it was never right, never good enough.  They seemed to change the standards of the game every minute so he always lost.

Even after he had a good career, made good money, had married and had three wonderful children, the bar always seemed to be raised on what he had to do to have any hope of a kind word.

In his forties, Joe finally realized the dilemma he was in.  He’d never gotten their approval and they had polluted his life with their toxicity.  They simply wanted a slave to serve them.  He’d never be happy if he kept trying to win their approval.  He simply had to give up trying to win their love and affection.

When Joe saw them as toxic, his guilt vanished; it wasn’t his fault.

Things didn’t change until Joe and his family moved away and he stopped contacting his parents.  He started enjoying his family and his life.  They were too busy to visit his parents on holidays or during the summer.  When his parents tried to make him feel ashamed and guilty, he told them he wouldn’t listed and he hung up.

He maintained his distance for a long time, even though his parents tried many tactics to beat him into submission and then to use their need and his guilt to get him to serve them.

Notice: there’s no analysis about why his parents acted the way they did.  That doesn’t matter.  When Joe focused only on their behavior, their reasons, excuses and justifications didn’t matter anymore.  If they wanted to see or talk with him, they’d have to change their behavior.

Of course, the same goes for toxic, adult children, even though there are additional difficulties.

The best way to learn how to take power in your life and to stop bullying by toxic parents is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and counseling so you can:

1. Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.
2. Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to create the life your spirit has always hungered for.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert coaching by phone or Skype.

Bullied and enmeshed, loving the wrong person

Jane had loved the wrong person – a narcissistic, bullying, abusive control-freak.  But she felt helpless.  She had loved him with all her heart.  She had seen every nice, kind thing he said; she had seen every apology, every promise he made.  She wouldn’t hear a word of criticism about him.

That was the problem that kept Jane enmeshed with her bully.  She had enabled him because she saw only one side of the picture – the good side he wanted her to focus on.  She said she would feel like a bad person – unforgiving, uncaring, judgmental – if she saw the other side.  She had thought that forgiveness meant seeing only the good side of him.

She had spent a long time miserable and suffering before she came and allowed herself to see the whole picture.

Even though Jane was not a good visualizer, when her unconscious made a canvas with thousands of scenes – the good, the bad and the ugly – she could see the preponderance of the evidence.  For every promise he made there were twenty horrible things he did to break the promise; for every “I love you” there were a hundred hateful acts, for every compliment there were a thousand insults, criticisms and negative, put-downs in private and in public.

When Jane allowed herself to see the whole picture, she became discerning.  She could make an informed decision about whether she wanted to stay and continue to be abused and tormented or to leave.  She didn’t have to judge him as bad or evil or to wish something horrible would happen to him.

She didn’t have to be judgmental; all she had to do was be discerning, see the whole picture and decide whether to put her body and heart in harm’s way.
She was surprised when she felt sorry for him but no longer loved him.  She was even more surprised when she became disgusted by him; she saw him as weak and pathetic.

The best way to learn how to take power in your life and to stop bullying is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and counseling so you can:

1. Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.
2. Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to create the life your spirit has always hungered for.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert coaching by phone or Skype.

Deserve your husband's bullying?

June grew up trained to say, “It’s my fault.  What did I do wrong?’ when she was bullied and abused by her parents.  She married a man who reinforced that pattern.

When he was sarcastic, critical, negative and demeaning, she was supposed to try harder to do what would please him.  When he yelled or hit her, she was supposed to know it was her fault.

He always had good reasons why he should torment and control her.  She assumed if she did the right things, she wouldn’t bear the blame for how he behaved.  But since he would condemn her no matter what she did, she always felt the guilt and shame of never being good enough.

When she finally realized that he’d condemn her no matter what she did, something in her shifted.  She was instantly free of the burden of guilt.  She felt lighter as a wave of warmth, peace and light washed away decades of training.  She never deserved that treatment from her parents or her husband, or even her friends or coworkers.  Her mistakes didn’t deserve those attacks.  Her heart opened and she sobbed and sobbed.  When she was done, she felt cleansed and free as she never had before.

It wasn’t about “deserve” any more.
It was about what she would and wouldn’t tolerate around her any more.  She now had the confidence to trust her own judgment.  She’d test other people and she’d decide how close or far to hold them, based on their behavior, not their reasons, excuses or justifications.  In fact, anyone who blamed their out-of-control, temper tantrums and hissy-fits on her would be immediately removed from her personal space.

Of course, although the realization was instantaneous – clear, straightforward and simple – putting it into effect wasn’t easy.  That took time, effort and some backsliding.  The bullies in her life kept manipulating and blaming on her.  Her self-doubt, self-questioning and low self-esteem reared up from time to time.  But, with help, she was able to clear her space of all the bullies and predators.

The best way to learn how to take power in your life and to stop bullying is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and counseling so you can:

1. Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.
2. Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to create the life your spirit has always hungered for.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert coaching by phone or Skype.

At work, remove people who fight to the death about everything

Some people like to fight to the death about everything.  Sometimes that’s a useful quality, but in general, at work you must remove those people.  But since they’ll enjoy a lengthy and nasty legal fight, what’s the best way of doing it?

You know people who are relentless bullies.  If they’re overt, they’ll criticize, harass, yell, threaten and abuse their targets in public.  If they’re sneaky, covert bullies, they’ll bad-mouth, back-stab, misinterpret everything, spread rumors and get other people fighting.  They’re enraged and seeking support against the latest perceived injustice.  They enjoy turmoil, chaos and drama.

You also know people who resist everyone else, especially authority.  They’re negative, critical and demeaning.  They always know why other people are wrong and delight in pointing out mistakes and faults.  They want to be in absolute control of their own turf.  They love a fight to the death with no-holds barred.

All these people feel wronged, righteous and outraged.  Someone will pay.

Don’t consider excusing their behavior with platitudes that they grew up in horrible families and had to fight to get free, or that they grew up in New York City where everyone fights about everything.  Focus on their individual choices and simply on the behavior that you must have in order to maintain a highly productive workplace.

You must terminate them.  But you know they’ll create hostility, dissention, fighting cliques and chaos all around them.  Work will grind to a halt while their fight becomes the center of attention and emotions.  Then they’ll file a hostile-workplace suit.

Your task is to eliminate the high cost of low attitudes.  So how to proceed?

• If the case against them is clear-cut, you have good documentation and they’re universally disliked you can walk them out as soon as possible and let the lawyers deal with them.
• But if there are some problems on both sides and they’re merely very difficult people with a few friends and a few of their charges are accurate or debatable, I don’t recommend a protracted legal fight.  These fights drag in everyone to testify.  They focus everyone on the fight, not on work.  Productivity will dry up and there will be huge emotional debris.  The aftermath usually takes 9-12 months to sort out and the bad blood will lead to significant turn over.  Avoid the carnage.  Buy out the trouble if you can and let the lawyers write a clause preventing further problems.  You’ll save much more money by bargaining to a generous severance package.  Don’t worry about setting a precedent.  You’ll have time and productivity while you improve management.

Sometimes you get lucky.  These hostile, angry people sometimes lose control, explode and publically quit.  Immediately accept their resignation in writing.  Don’t think 10 seconds about it.

You know you’ve done the right thing when everyone in the office heaves a huge sigh of relief.  They can get back to work without the on-going tension, hostility and bad blood.

The best way to learn how to create a highly productive and bully-free workplace is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and counseling so you can:

1. Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.
2. Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to create the productive workplace culture you want.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert coaching and consulting by phone or Skype.

Reasons don't stop bullies

It took years for Jane to accept that her reasons did not stop her bullying husband.  In fact, they only helped him bully her.

He was relentless in questioning her reasons when she wanted to do anything he didn’t want her to do.  If fact, she saw that he harassed, criticized and belittled her so he could control everything she did.  He never stopped being sarcastic or arguing.  He pointed out every mistake, every flaw in logic and even that she was silly in wanting what she wanted.  She could never convince him she should be allowed to do what she wanted.  She began to feel stupid and helpless, which was exactly what he wanted.

Eventually, she decided to face his bullying and abuse with an unassailable reason, “Because I want to,” or “Because I don’t.”  When he attacked with “Why,” she simply repeated “Because I want to.”  And she smiled with joy.

His feelings about her reasons didn’t matter anymore.  She was no longer asking him for acceptance and permission.

That frustrated him terribly because she’d escaped his control.  Eventually, when she saw that he wouldn’t accept her desires and wouldn’t stop attacking her, she divorced him.  And she felt free and strong for the first time in years.

When you’re faced with a relentless bully who is always right, who is a clever debater, who always knows best, who will change the subject if you make a good point, who will argue until you give in and start walking on eggshells around him, stop giving the bully your reasons.

These bullies take your reasons as excuses to be battered down so they can control you.

Of course the same is true for bullying, controlling wives, parents, children and supposed friends.

The best way to learn how to take power in your life and to stop bullying is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and counseling so you can:

1. Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.
2. Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to create the life your spirit has always hungered for.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert coaching by phone or Skype.

"The Bully Business" is wrong

“The Bully Business,” in The Atlantic, by Cevin Solving is absolutely wrong.

Solving uses inappropriate analogies, like stopping head injury to boxers is the same as stopping bullies in schools.  And his underlying assumption about how to stop bullying in schools, shared by many people, is that we should find out why kids bully, give bullies what they want and then they’ll stop bullying.  His culprit is that schools control bullies too much; bullies don’t have enough freedom so they turn to abusing their peers.  He focuses on the wrong people; the bullies instead of focusing on the targets of harassment and violence.

The beginning of the solution is to protect targets and stop bullies.
Solving doesn’t consider this first step.  He assumes bullies are nice people and if they weren’t thwarted they wouldn’t turn to bullying to get what they want.  Evidently he doesn’t like the analogy with the kids in “Lord of the Flies” and all the rest of human history which shows that not all people are born nice, kindly and virtuous, and that civility must be taught and reinforced.

Principals, counselors, teachers and staff have a primary responsibility of protecting targets by stopping bullies and removing them.  Then education and socialization can begin.

Bullies must learn that their tactics don’t get them what they want.
My experience has been that an essential step in bullies’ education is when they learn that they get into more trouble if they continue bullying.  Then many become interested in learning other ways of acting.

The ones who resist this learning, the ones who continue bullying and who get more violent are not the kids to whom we want to give more freedom and latitude.  They are the ones who need to be removed faster.

First, protect the targets, the try to rehabilitate the perpetrators.

The best way to learn how to parent bully-proof kids and to develop a program to stop school bullying is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and counseling so you can:
1. Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.
2. Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to create the life your spirit has always hungered for.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert coaching by phone or Skype.

Parenting polite, loving bully-proof kids

All tactics are situational.

In the outside world, we want our kids to be polite and nice, and, at the same time, strong, courageous and determined enough to stop bullies.  There’s no conflict between those values although the kids will need different tactics when befriending other decent kids than they’ll need to stop bullying predators.

At home, the problem I often see is kids who are not polite and kind; they bully their parents and siblings.
These parents lecture their children about having respectful, loving behavior but allow them to throw temper tantrums even when the kids are grown up.  They allow their children to be negative, abusive, critical and sarcastic.  They allow their teenagers to curse them, threaten them, blame all their problems on them and to contribute no effort toward doing the household chores.

It’s as if these parents believe their task is to make things perfect for their children.  And unless they do, the children are entitled to treat them horribly and are allowed to fail in life because their parents weren’t what they wanted.  It’s as if they hope that if they love their children enough and give them everything and allow rotten behavior, one day the children will wake up and civilized and loving people.

I’ve never seen that tactic work.  I’ve always seen the opposite effect.
Children need to be trained to be social and civilized.  Many resist that training.  These children find it easier to be arrogant, selfish, demanding, narcissistic and hateful.  Civilized, respectful behavior takes much more effort.

If children are allowed to grow up expecting to be the center of the universe, expecting to be catered to and expecting to get everything they want to make them happy they’ll stay the same when they’re teenagers and adults.  They become narcissistic control-freaks.  They’ll threaten failure, suicide or beating you into submission.  Think Veruka Salt from “Willie Wonka.”

The rule should be to treat your parents and siblings better than you’d treat strangers who have something you want.

The only tactic that I’ve seen effective is to set behavioral boundaries and maintain them with consequences no matter how much the kid’s throw tantrums.
You can’t beg or bribe children into behaving respectfully.  No matter how guilty they try to make you feel because of the bad things that happened to them, require civilized behavior at home.  Since you’re not a bullying parent, you’ll allow them more flexibility when they’re young, but the older they get, the higher the standards you must set.

These resistant children have a hard time between the ages of approximately 10-20.
When kids are young, we allow them to get away with more.  We see potential and we accept promises.  But between ages about 10-20, the whole world shifts for them.  Potential and promises are no longer enough.  Results matter more and more.

Especially at home, when they move through the teenage years we must pay only for performance.
Just like the world does also.

How to you know if your child is damaged beyond repair?

The best way to learn how to raise caring, polite kids and to stop selfish, hostile, bullying adults is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and counseling so you can:

1. Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.
2. Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to create the life your spirit has always hungered for.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert coaching by phone or Skype.

Test: Who are the bullies?

When I go into a workplace to train or consult, I ask: “Who are the bullies?”  If people say, “We don’t know” or “We haven’t had any ever,” they’re probably in trouble.

When I talk with principals, counselors and teachers in a school, I ask, “Who are the bullies and where in the school do they bully?”  If the answer is, “We don’t know” or “We’ve never had any,” they’re probably in trouble.

When I counsel or coach people about their personal and family lives, I ask, “Who are the bullies and what have you done about it?”  If the answer is, “There are no bullies in our extended family” or “It’s not so bad” or “That’s just the way they are,” I know they’re in trouble.  They’re probably minimizing or excusing the behavior and damage, or covering it up (family secrets).

In any group of about 30 people, there’s at least one person who uses bullying tactics.  Often, that bully has created a clique or mob.  In addition to my experience, there are even studies showing that.

Some people are aghast that I ask those questions.  They say, “Won’t the label stigmatize those people?”  Of course, the answer is that they are already stigmatized.  Everyone knows who the bullies are.

Also stigmatized already are the supposed responsible authorities who ignore, condone or even encourage harassment, negativity, bullying and abuse.  Everyone know who allows bullying to continue, who gives bullies space and power to do their worst.

The first step to protect the targets is to expose and label bullying behavior and the perpetrators and predators.  The second step is to change the situation.

The best way to learn how to create a bully-free environment is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and counseling so you can:

1. Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.
2. Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to create the life your spirit has always hungered for.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert coaching by phone or Skype.

History is not destiny

Bullies want you to give up.  They want you to think they’re more relentless; they’ve always won; you know they’ll again so why struggle or fight.  Resistance is futile.  They want you to think the future will be a repeat of the past.

Self-bullying and self-abuse follows the same pattern.  That negative, insidious inner voice tells you that you’ll never succeed; you’ve never kept your resolutions; you’ve never changed the things you’ve tried hardest to change; you have a defect inside that will destroy you.  You’re an imposter, a phony, not enough, bad.  Think of all your failures, the embarrassing moments, the people who turned away.  Resistance is futile.

That’s all wrong.

History is not destiny!

The message in all the great stories from all the great traditions is the same: Never give up.  Let nothing crush you.  Keep fighting because you choose to.

Whether you’re Odysseus or Neo from the Matrix; whether you’re Gandhi, Mandela or Scrooge; whether you’re Bilbo or Frodo or Aragorn; whether you’re Arjuna or Rama; whether you’re Joan of Arc or Sita or Parvati, whether you’re Arwyn or Tauriel; the message that matters is always the same.

Fear and despair are bullies.  Never give in to anxiety or depression.  Keep trying.  Keep fighting.  Count the victories more than the set-backs.

History is not destiny!

Give your all in service to your highest and greatest aspirations.

The best way to learn how to create and thoroughly enjoy the life you want is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and counseling so you can:

1. Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.
2. Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to create the life your spirit has always hungered for.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert coaching by phone or Skype.

Depression, energy, interests; routine versus new

Harry and Suzie did nothing.  Well, nothing beyond necessary grocery shopping, going to work, watching TV and seeing their children and grandchildren.

They weren’t really depressed.  They were comfortable in the routine of their lives.  They never did anything new.  They said they didn’t need to learn anything new, see anything new or think about anything new.  They knew enough to live the rest of their lives.  They knew things would change a little when they retired but they assumed they’d adjust, reassert the same routine and stay comfortable.

This was a life-long pattern for Harry and Suzie.  It hadn’t begun in response to some tragedy or major problem.

Who’d argue against the life Harry and Suzie had chosen.  They were comfortable and they weren’t grumpy, negative or nasty to their families,  They were open about not understanding one grown child and his wife who liked studying, traveling, museums, theater and trying new restaurants.  They weren’t particularly condemning; they didn’t try to criticize, harass or bully their son and his family into a different way of life.

Their son and his wife, and Harry’s brother and his wife, had a totally different approach to life.  Although they loved many of the old ways – they enjoyed the holidays, took great care of their children and paid their bills – they also wanted to experience new adventures.

Maybe that’s a good word for what they sought; adventures in every aspect of live – adventures with their minds and with their senses.  They looked forward to travelling to new places, as well as some of the old; to new sights and tastes and sounds, as well as some of the old; to new projects around the house, in their community and in their learning.

They had energy and interests; they said “yes” to whatever out there seemed like fun and joyful.  They were excited and passionate about their interests and adventures.  Their engines seemed to be on all the time.

Which is right?  Wrong question.
The right question is how do you want to live?  Before you get married, before you have kids, before you retire, ask, “How do you want to do during an average day, an average week, a month, a year?  What would you like to be doing regularly and what new in terms of travel, food, interests, learning, fun, passion, joy?

The best way to learn how to create and thoroughly enjoy the life you want is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and counseling so you can:

1. Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.
2. Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to create the life your spirit has always hungered for.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert coaching by phone or Skype.

Teen anxiety, depression, self-esteem, resistance

There are many reasons why intelligent, well-behaved children become teenagers riddled with anxiety, lethargy and depression, and full of resistance and rebellion.

One of the most common and overlooked is that these kids are faced with the biggest and scariest challenge in their lives and they’re afraid they can’t succeed.  So they hide behind selfishness and narcissism, and turn on their parents, their schools and anyone else they can in order to avoid the real issue.

The frightening issue is, “Can they make it in the real world?”

Naturally, since many teens are not sure if they’re smart enough, pretty enough, athletic enough or strong enough, they get anxious.  Naturally, since they know the cowardly moments they’ve given into, the evil thoughts they’ve harbored and the bad things they’ve done, they worry that there may be something deficient or wrong in them.  Naturally, many withdraw into lethargy and depression, and then lash out to cover up their fear.

Stop fighting the easy fights.

• It’s easy to blame everyone else who hasn’t given them everything.  It’s easy to give up and turn on their parents with negativity, sarcasm, arrogance, harassment, bullying and abuse.
• It’s easy to try to beat their parents into submission, into giving more and more stuff, giving more and more chances, negotiating endlessly and never applying consequences that really matter.  Many parents hope that if they keep giving and they cater to their children’s excuses, someday their little darlings (no matter how old) will finally see the light and become hard-working, responsible, polite, caring adults.
• These fights are easy because they’re against loving parents who will eventually give in.

But these easy fights take up everyone’s time and energy, and enable teenagers to avoid the important and necessary fight, which ultimately must be fought successfully in order for that child to become a fully functioning and successful human adult.

Fight the hard fight: There is no other way to grow up.

• Help your children fight against a world that tests them to see if they have what it takes to be successful adults.  Help them face the most difficult challenge that the world poses.  This is the hard fight because the world doesn’t care about them and their feelings.  The world is interested only in results.
• Help your children by focusing them on the fight they really need to fight.  Don’t let the argument remain focused on you.  Keep the focus where it belongs.  “Do you have the resolve, resilience and relentlessness to succeed against the world?”
• The fight is against their own fear and cowardice.  Their confidence and self-esteem will follow their successes in facing this challenge.  Every challenge they face successfully will increase their confidence, esteem and energy to tackle greater challenges.

The fight against the world takes more energy and determination than giving up and whining and complaining.

Of course, we know 20-70 year-olds who are still bullied by their fears, still lashing out because they weren’t given enough, still a waste of potential for all those who love them.

The best way to learn how to help your teen fight the hard challenge is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and counseling so you can:

1. Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.
2. Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to create the bully-free life your spirit has always hungered for.

Read case study #6 in “How to Parent Bully-Proof Kids.”  Also, read my new Kindle book, “How to Stop Sneaky Bullies.”  Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert coaching by phone or Skype.

3 Rs: Life lessons to stop bullies

Bullies in relationships and at work try to convince you that you’re too weak or unskilled to resist them: They’ll win in the end.  They’re more determined, nasty, sneaky.  They want you to feel hopeless, helpless.  They want your logic and reason to convince you that resistance is futile.

Kids can convince themselves to give up.  It’s not worth the effort since the deck is stacked against them.  Life is too hard, they’re too weak or defective, people are too nasty.

The effective response in both cases, the keys to success are the 3 Rs:

1. Have resolve.
2. Be resilient.
3. Act relentlessly.

Those qualities are the engine we all need.

If we don’t have these qualities, we can’t make use of any help that’s offered.  We give in, we give up.  Even if we have a great plan, we don’t have the will and grit to carry it out successfully.  Failure is guaranteed.

If we have these qualities, we grab onto help that’s offered.  We keep trying.  We create surprises.  We can get lucky.  We can attract allies.  We can succeed against negativity, bullies and abuse.  We can succeed in life.

The best way to learn how to create the life your spirit wants is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and counseling so you can:

1. Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.
2. Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to create the bully-free life your spirit has always hungered for.

Read case study #6 in “How to Parent Bully-Proof Kids.”  Also, read my new Kindle book, “How to Stop Sneaky Bullies.”  Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert coaching by phone or Skype.

Stop bullies' traps during the holidays

Jerri knew she had to be wary during the holidays.  Her family set many traps into which she’d fallen over the years.  But this year would be different.

Her family was full of righteous, critical, bullying abusers.  Sometimes they were overt in attacking her for her many faults, including being unloving, uncaring, selfish and narcissistic when she didn’t want to do what they wanted.  Or they exploded and yelled and screamed.  And it was her fault because she upset them.  Sometimes they were sneaky and manipulative in getting her to do what they wanted even when she didn’t want to do it.

Trap #1 – They put her in a helpless position in order to force her to do what they wanted even though she don’t want to do.
Last year, Jerri’s brother insisted on driving her the full day to their folks’ home and to visit friends and relatives she didn’t want to see.  They were negative about her life and criticized her clothes, hair and activities.  But she was stuck since it was is car and he insisted.  He had good reasons to rebut every excuse she made.  This year she’s driving by herself whether he thinks it’s reasonable or not.

Trap #2 – They talked behind Jerri’s back and labeled her with emotional blackmailing words.
She didn’t want to be labeled as unloving, uncaring, selfish and narcissistic, so she’d give in to prove that she was a good person.  But no amount of proof seemed to stop them next time they wanted something.  Every time she gave in, they demanded more proofs.  This year, Jerri admitted to herself that she doesn’t care what those relatives think.  She visits out of duty and is glad to spend the rest of the year far away.

Trap #3 – Jerri put herself in a trap because she thought she had to find excuses they would accept in order for her to do what she wanted.
Jerri had been trained to be sweet and accommodating, not to force her will on other people.  She couldn’t say “No” simply because she wanted to.  She felt she had to find excuses that they would accept.  She felt that she couldn’t do what she wanted unless they approved or gave permission.  This year, she’ll say “Yes” or “No” without reasons – just because that’s what she wants.

There are many other traps and even more tactics you can use to maintain your boundaries.

The best way to learn how to create a bully-free life is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and counseling so you can:

1. Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.
2. Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to create the bully-free life your spirit has always hungered for.

Read my new Kindle book, “How to Stop Sneaky Bullies.”  Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert coaching by phone or Skype.

Jealousy during the holidays

Many people dread the holidays because of the jealousy that gets acted out among siblings, between parents and children, or even among the relatives.

Too often, the fights are even more vicious than they were when you were a kid.  You dread going to see the whole family when your sisters and brothers will criticize, harass and bully you openly or, even harder to deal with, when they do it sneakily, making cutting remarks with a smile or bringing up old wounds and abuses you’d rather not talk about.  Or your parents compare who’s the best or most successful, loving or worthy child.

What can you do when you’re the target?  Choices depend on the situation and on you.  Common ones are:

1. Just take it and try to ignore it.  They’re jerks but you’re going to rise above because they’re “family.” And nothing will change.
2. Try to love them into changing.
3. Speak up calmly.  Point out the nastiness; shine a light on it.  Tell them to grow up.
4. Fight back with words that will hurt them.
5. Leave.  Tell them off in the process.  Become the most difficult person because, often, the most difficult person is the one the family gives in to.
6. Don’t even go.  You can make excuses or tell the truth.

Many other choices are possible.

I’m raising these possibilities because you’re free to do what you want.  There is no “One-Right-Answer.”

• You’re not required to submit to beatings, verbal or otherwise, in the name of some idealized but painful relationship called “family.”
• You don’t have to wait until they admit they’re doing something wrong.  Follow your own pain and standards: Act because you won’t allow anyone to treat you that way, whether or not they “mean it.”

Many people put up with jealousy-based bullying and abuse until their children are old enough to notice.  Then they’re motivated to act.  Whether your children are abused also or, even harder, when your children are treated wonderfully while you’re put down, you must stop the jealous behavior or make distance.  By setting boundaries you may be able to change them family bullies.  But the real goal is to make a bully-free environment, not to change them.  They have free will.

Your children must see you model how to deal with bullies, no matter what the relationship.

The best way to learn how to create a bully-free life is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and counseling so you can:

1. Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.
2. Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to create the bully-free life your spirit has always hungered for.

Read my new Kindle book, “How to Stop Sneaky Bullies.”  Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert coaching by phone or Skype.