How to Stop School Bullying: How Parents Make Kids Victims

http://www.bulliesbegone.com/blog/2008/01/28/how-to-stop-bullies-book-reviewed-in-denver-business-journal/Many well-meaning parents fail their kids.  They don’t prepare their kids to protect themselves from school bullying or, even worse, they turn their kids from targets into victims of harassment, abuse and bullying at school.

Of course, bullies are 100% responsible for bullying.  There are no excuses.

Also, school officials – principals, teachers and even therapists and counselors – often tolerate or even encourage school bullying and harassment by trying to educate and rehabilitate bullies, while they allow the bullying to continue; while they allow your kid to suffer.

But the major causes of problems for good kids are well-meaning parents who make their kids bigger targets for bullies.  These parents give their kids messages that hurt their kids’ chances of stopping abuse and bullying.

Here are 5 things well-meaning parents tell their kids that make them bigger targets for bullies

1. Bullies are bullied at home, they’re hurting inside, so you should accept what they do and forgive them.  Don’t make bullies feel bad.
2. If you ignore bullies, they’ll stop.
3. If you’re nice, kind and reasonable to bullies, they’ll stop bullying and become friends.
4. Never fight back verbally or physically; if you do, bullies will beat you up more.
5. Fighting is wrong; if you do, you’re just as bad; violence never solves problems.

All of these are un-true!

I’m a scientist; I do experiments and look at the results.  If your kid is kindly and nice to a bully, does the bullying stop?  If yes, wonderful.  And the bully was not a relentless bully.  He was just a kid having a bad day or needing to learn how to get along better.

But if the bullying did not stop, or the harassment and abuse got worse, your kid is facing a relentless, bullying predator and you’d better give your kid the truth about the outside world and also the skills about how to face it.

Don’t think you can protect and coddle your kid.  Don’t think that school officials will automatically protect your kid.  Don’t think you can arrange the world so your kid never faces bullies.  While you’re working to make sure your kid’s school has an effective anti-bullying program, teach your kid the truth about the world.

Here are 5 things to tell your kids so they can have the courage, strength and determination to protect themselves; so they don’t become victims:

1. Bullies, like hyenas, are attracted to weak prey – kids who don’t have friends and won’t fight back.  When bullies see that a kid’s feelings are hurt, they take that as an invitation to harass the kids even more.
2. When kids continually ignore bullies, or treat them with kindness and reasonableness, or beg them to stop, bullies take that as an invitation to abuse kids even more.
3. When a bully finds out that your kid won’t fight back, they take that as an invitation to bully even more.
4. Bullies are made bolder when other kids stand by and don’t protest.  Make friends and allies.
5. Bullies stop bullying only when they’re stopped – by your kid’s pushing back or by the authorities stopping them.  When a bully finds out that school principals, teachers or parents won’t stop them, they take that as an invitation to increase bullying.

To stop school bullying, parents must not make their kids into victims.  Instead, prepare your kid to be successful in the outside world.  Prepare your kid to read the signs in the jungle at school and to know how to respond strongly and successfully to harassment, abuse and bullying.  If you don’t, you’re making them bigger targets; you’re responsible for making them victims.

Here’s why telling kids to understand bullies hurts their chances of stopping abuse.  When kids continue trying to understand why bullies bully, they keep excusing the bullying; they keep doing therapy on the bullies and they keep hesitating to push back.

It’s as if your kid is thinking, “Until I understand why the bully is harassing me, I can’t stop it nicely by placating the bully.”

Usually, the best way to stop bullies is to stand up and push back – verbally and physically, if necessary.  Bullies usually respect kids who push back verbally or physically.

Your children may be targets. Don’t let them become victims.  If we don’t stop bullies, they’ll think your kid is easy prey; they’ll harass your kid more.

Instead of giving your kids lies, give your kids the courage, strength and resilience they’ll need so they don’t take attacks to heart, don’t feel helpless and hopeless, and don’t become victims of bullying-caused depression or suicide.

Don’t wait for school administrators or bullies to empower you and your kid.  Take the power you need and learn to use it skillfully so you can stop harassment, bullying and abuse.

The best way to stop controlling, bullying husbands is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching so you can:

1. Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to do your best resolutely, diligently and effectively, and to set boundaries effectively.
2. Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to create a bully-free personal life.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert coaching by phone or Skype.

How to Stop Cyberbullying: Tech-Deficient Parents Can Help

Do you need to be tech savvy in order to protect your kid from cyberbullying and harassment from kids at school?

Many parents think that the major threats to their kids are adult predators who stalk them online.  Those abusive adults are real threats and you can learn how to protect your kids even if you’re not tech savvy.

But adult predators are not the cyberbullies that most kids will encounter.  Your kids are in more danger of harassment, intimidation, abuse and cyberbullying by kids they know at school through their phones and on online social network sites.

Fortunately you do not need to be tech savvy to protect your kids.  With coaching:

1. You can learn how to give your children the courage, strength and resilience they’ll need so they don’t take attacks to heart and don’t become victims of cyberbullying-caused depression or suicide.
2. You can learn what to do to prevent trouble before it starts.  Learn what your kids need to know beyond porno sites, phishers, spammers, sexting and giving away personal information online.
3. You can learn what your children are doing online and on their phones.  Learn how to protect your children from cyberbullying that occurs on social networks and especially on cell phones.
4. You can learn how to respond rapidly and effectively after your children are attacked, including when and how to get the police involved.
5. You can learn what you can do to make sure school officials protect your children – even if they don’t want to take action.

Cyberbullying is beyond school and social network “drama.”  Cyberbullying may be a criminal offense.  If you allow your kids to become victims, cyberbullying can have terrible effects.

Your children may be targets.  Don’t let them become victims.  If you don’t stand up to cyberbullies, they’ll think your kid is easy prey; they’ll just harass and abuse your kid more.

Post #32 – BulliesBeGoneBlog Parenting Bully-Proof Kids
http://www.bulliesbegone.com/blog/2008/12/01/parenting-bully-proof-kids-stop-school-bullies-in-their-tracks/

Let’s focus on step one: Giving your kids the courage, strength and resilience they’ll need so they don’t take attacks to heart and don’t become victims of cyberbullying-caused depression or suicide.

You don’t have to be tech savvy to help your kid be strong enough to stand up to jerks and nasty kids at school.  You lived through your own self-doubt and hesitation when you were young so you know what it takes.

Learn to keep a flame burning in your kid’s heart.  Teach your children to be strong mentally, emotionally and spiritually.

Remember the sign in the movie, “The Bridge to Terabithia,”  “Nothing Crushes Us!”
You and your children need to be that strong, courageous and determined.  Also, learn the skills necessary to be successful.

You know how school bullying was stopped when you were a kid.  Technology has changed but the kids haven’t.  You know what didn’t stop school bullies:

Minimizing, avoiding, or ignoring bullying

Begging, bribing or appeasing committed bullies

Accepting apologies, excuses, justifications and promises ... repeatedly

Giving in to fear, intimidation or blackmail
Convince yourself that the problem is too difficult to solve

Don’t wait for school administrators or cyber-bullies to empower you and your kid.  Take the power you need and learn to use it skillfully so you can stop harassment, abuse and cyberbullying.

BulliesBeGoneBlog Power is Better than Empowerment
http://www.bulliesbegone.com/blog/2011/05/29/power-is-better-than-empowerment/

The best way to stop cyberbullies is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching so you can:

Teach your kids to protect themselves, just like they would if they were growing up in the wilderness where there are predators who would eat them.

Protect your kids from school administrators who won’t defend targets and who may even encourage or collude with cyberbullying kids and their bullying parents.

Post #8 – BulliesBeGoneBlog Stop Bullies book reviewed in Denver Business Journal
http://www.bulliesbegone.com/blog/2008/01/28/how-to-stop-bullies-book-reviewed-in-denver-business-journal/

Since all tactics depend on the situation, expert coaching by phone or Skype helps.  Call me at 1-877-8Bullies to design a plan that fits you and your kid's situation at school.  And build your will and skill to carry it out effectively.

BulliesBeGone Books and CDs
http://www.bulliesbegone.com/products.html

BulliesBeGone Hire Ben
http://www.bulliesbegone.com/hire_ben.htm

How to Stop Cyberbullying: Signs Your Kid is being Harassed

Parents need to learn to recognize the signs that our kids might be the target of cyberbullying and harassment, and how to get the information you need, even if our kids are reluctant to talk.

Observe each child individually and compare with how he/she was before.  Seven signs your kids are harassed, abused or cyberbullied are:

1. Have they stopped checking their phones?  Do they forget or break or lose their phones?  Do they get upset, depressed or angry when they look at their phones?
2. Have their grades slipped?  Have they become reluctant to go to school?  Do they want to transfer schools?
   
3. Have they stopped after-school activities?  Do they want you to pick them up after school?
   
4. Have they stopped talking about school?  Do they say that kids are jerks?  Do they ask about kids ganging up on other kids?
   
5. Have they become emotionally labile – very sensitive, easily upset, moody, grumpy, cry a lot? Have they given up? Do they talk about how hopeless or pointless life is or do they seem depressed or do they talk about suicide?
   
6. Do they isolate themselves – no longer follow social networks, hide in their rooms after school, stop using the computer?  Have they stopped taking care of their personal stuff or how they look?  Do they say that former friends aren’t friends any more?
   
7. Have they stopped eating?  Do they have trouble sleeping or have nightmares?

After you think you’ve seen signs that your kid might be subjected to cyberbullying, harassment or abuse at school, the next step in stopping cyberbullying is to get the information you need, even if your kid is reluctant to talk.

You must be willing to pry and be persistent, no matter how reluctant your child is to talk.

Five questions you can ask are:

1. What’s happening?
   
2. Tell me about cyberbullying, harassment and abuse at school?
   
3. How do the teachers, principal, bus drivers and cafeteria staff protect kids in your school from cyberbullies or drama?
   
4. What happens in your school’s anti-cyberbullying program?
   
5. How do you and your friends stand up to cyberbullies when you see other kids being ganged up on through their computers or phones?

Don’t be a tyrant or inquisitor, but do keep asking.

If you suspect your kid is being subjected to cyberbullying, you can also get information by:

1. Checking your kid’s texts and messages.
   
2. Looking at your kid’s social network pages or what’s being said about them.
   
3. Asking the parents of your kid’s friends.
   
4. Asking teachers, counselors, principal, school district administrators and school board members about cyberbullying and harassment.

Cyberbullying is beyond school and social network “drama.”  It can have terrible effects on kids and it may be a criminal offense.

Consult a specialist lawyer and your police department.  Do they have a special unit dedicated to stopping cybercrimes?  Have representatives spoken at school?

Learn how to make reluctant school administrators take action, even if they say that cyberbullying has been off-campus.

Cyberbullies at school are haters and emotional manipulators.  They try to make your kid feel helpless and hopeless.  They isolate him.

Your kid can never be kind, nice, sweet or caring enough to change these school cyberbullies.  She’s not the rescuer or therapist to solve their psychological problems.  She shouldn’t debate or argue with them, but also shouldn’t ignore them.

If we don’t stop cyberbullies, they’ll think we’re easy prey; they’ll just go after us more.

Your kid may be a target, but he doesn’t have to be a victim.  Fight back.

Parents must learn how to:

• Teach your kids to protect themselves, just like they would if they were growing up in the wilderness where there are predators who would eat them.
• Protect your kids from school administrators who won’t defend targets and who may even encourage or collude with cyberbullying kids and their bullying parents.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, expert coaching by phone or Skype helps.  Call me at 1-877-8Bullies to design a plan that fits you and your kid's situation at school.  And build your will and skill to carry it out effectively.

How to Stop School Bullying: Recognize Sneaky School Bullies

Stopping school bullying that is overt – physical violence or threats; nasty verbal and emotional intimidation in public – is relatively easy because the bullying is in public.  There will be witnesses and our kids might be able to get evidence, including recordings on their smart phones. How to stop school bullying that is covert – sneaky, manipulative, backstabbing, cutting out, putting down, embarrassing, demeaning – is usually more difficult.

The first step in how to stop school bullies is to recognize their tactics as bullying so you can gather your courage, strength and skill to protect yourself.

Part of good parenting means that we teach our children the seven early warning signs of stealthy, critical, righteous, controlling bullies at school.

1. They make the rules; they control everything – what your kid can do, where she can go, who she can be friends with.
2. They push boundaries, argue endlessly and withhold friendship if your kid doesn’t do exactly what they want.  Your kid must never disagree or keep them waiting.
3. Their standards rule.  Your kid’s "no" isn't accepted as "no." The controlling bully is always right and your kid is always wrong.  The stealth bully never apologizes.  She always has excuses and justifications.  The sneaky bully’s sense of humor is right so she doesn’t think she’s harassing, abusing or bullying your kid.  Your kid is merely too sensitive. Your kid’s issues generally don't get dealt with.  The stealth bully’s concerns are more important so they can ignore your kid’s wishes.
4. They control your kid with their disapproval, name-calling, demeaning putdowns, blame and guilt.  No matter what your kid does; she’s wrong or not good enough.  Or they control your kid with their hyper-sensitive, hurt feelings and threats to cut off the friendship and be hurt and retaliate forever.  The bully will spread lies and rumors and ruin your kid’s reputation.
5. Your kid is afraid she'll trigger a violent rage or an everlasting vendetta at school.  She walks on eggshells.  The controlling bully intimidates her with words and weapons.  The stealth bully threatens her and her favorite things.  Your kid is told that she’s to blame if the stealth bully is angry.  Your kid feels emotionally blackmailed, intimidated and drained.  She’s afraid of the ongoing control and bullying at school.
6. Your kid’s told she’s ugly, poorly dressed, incompetent, and helpless and she wouldn’t have other friends without the stealth bully to guide her.
7. They isolate your kid.  She’s not allowed to see other friends or tell you what’s going on.

Post #353 – BulliesBeGoneBlog How to Stop School Bullying: Getting Information

How can stealth bullies cause more damage than overt bullies at school?

1. Because kids don’t recognize and label these manipulators as bullies, kids don’t resist them.
2. The manipulated kids take on the blame and feel guilty.  They think it’s their fault.  They must have done something wrong since the stealth bully is angry.
3. They try to please the stealth bully.  They try to be perfect according to the bully.
4. They lose a sense of themselves and they become helpless and powerless.
5. Later in life, they’ll easily fall under the spell of controlling, abusive spouses and bosses.  They’ll accept the abuse because they’ll think it’s their fault.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, expert coaching by phone or Skype helps.  Call me to design a plan that fits you and your kid's situation at school.  And build your will and skill to carry it out effectively.

How to Stop School Bullying: Getting Information

After you think you’ve seen signs that your kid might be bullied, the next step in stopping harassment and bullying at school is to get the information you need, even if your kid is reluctant to talk. You’ve observed each child individually and compared with how he/she was before.  How to stop school bullying begins with your willingness to pry, no matter how reluctant your child is to talk.

Five questions you can ask are:

1. What’s happening?
2. Tell me about the school bullies?
3. How do the teachers, principal, bus drivers and cafeteria staff protect kids in your school from bullies?
4. What happens in your school’s anti-bullying program?
5. How do you and your friends stand up to bullies when you see other kids being teased, taunted or bullied?

Don’t be a tyrant or inquisitor, but do keep asking.

If you suspect your kid is being bullied, you can also get information by:

1. Asking the parents of your kid’s friends.
2. Talking to the teachers, counselors, principal, school district administrators and school board members, if you have to.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, expert coaching by phone or Skype helps.  Call me to design a plan that fits you and and your kid's situation at school.  And build your will and skill to carry it out effectively.

How to Stop School Bullying: Recognize Signs

The first step in show to stop bullying and harassment at school is to be able to recognize the signs that your kid may be being bullied. Observe each child individually and compare with how he/she was before.

1. Do they have physical bruises, torn clothes and “lost” or broken possessions?
2. Have they become reluctant to go to school?  Do they want to transfer schools?
3. Have their grades slipped?
4. Have they stopped after-school activities?  Do they want you to pick them up after school?
5. Have they stopped talking about school? Do they ask how you stopped bullying when you were in school?
6. Have they become emotionally labile – very sensitive, easily upset, moody, grumpy, cry a lot?  Do they ask general or indirect questions about stopping bullies in school? Have they given up?  Do they talk about how hopeless or pointless life is or about suicide?
7. Do they isolate themselves – no longer talk to friends, hide in their rooms after school, stop using the computer or stay on computer instead of interacting with the family?  Do they say that former friends aren’t friends any more?
8. Have they stopped taking care of their personal stuff?
9. Have they stopped eating or are they ravenous after school because bullies took their lunch?  Do they have trouble sleeping or have nightmares?

Next time we’ll talk about how to get the information about how to stop bullying that you need even if your kid isn’t talking.

Circle the signs that you see and contact Dr. Ben at 877-8BULIES (877-828-5543) for your free diagnosis and treatment plan to prevent school bullying and suicide.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, expert coaching by phone or Skype helps.  Call me to design a plan that fits you and your situation.  And build your will and skill to carry it out effectively.

Tips on how to stop bullying

The Full-Time Nanny site has a list of 30 blogs that feature the best advice on how to stop bullying. I’m grateful that BulliesBeGone.com is mentioned in the section on how to stop bullying in the workplace.

Other categories of bullying are:

• How to stop bullying in schools.
• Anti-bullying, school initiatives.
• Anti-bullying support groups and charities.
• Personal experience blogs.
• How to stop online bullying and harassment.

The article points out that, “as many as 70% of children become the victim of bullying at one point in their lives.  Despite increased efforts by support groups, charities and schools, the problem persists.  However, bullying is not confined to the classroom and playground – bullying exists in the greater community, online and in the workplace.”

Also, “Bullying leaves the victim feeling isolated, worthless and often depressed or suicidal.  The culture of bullying is present in every country across the globe, with no sign of being eradicated.

Of course, I think our practical and real-world work coaching and consulting is outstanding in all of these areas.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, expert coaching by phone or Skype helps.  Call me to design a plan that fits you and your situation.  And build your will and skill to carry it out effectively.

Anti-Bullying: Don't Accept Excuses from School Bullies

Bullies always have reasons they think are good enough for why they harass and abuse their targets.  It’s always the fault of their targets.  Bullies think their excuses and justifications should relieve them of any consequences for their behavior. They are that narcissistic and self-deluded.

What’s wrong with these pictures?

• Walter shoved the little kids around at school.  He waylaid them in the halls, in the schoolyard, in the cafeteria and in the bathrooms.  Walter said the other kids weren’t nice enough to him and, anyway, they were exaggerating how much pain he’d caused.  His principal knew that Walter wasn’t likeable and that his father abused him, but not in ways that could be reported to the police.  His principal’s anti-bullying strategy was to tell the other kids to be more understanding of Walter’s situation, to be nicer to him and to wait for Walter to outgrow his problems.
• Sonja was well-known as the nastiest girl in school.  A few other girls, who admired her certainty and righteousness or were afraid of her, did what she told them to do.  They helped her make sarcastic remarks about other girls, shove them, harass them and pick on any of the physical or mental qualities they called “defects.”  Sonja claimed that the other girls had started it by being nasty to her and that they deserved what they got.  Anyway, she was only having a little fun.  Her principal knew Sonja was actually very insecure and was always criticized by her parents.  Nothing she ever did was good enough for them.  Her principal’s anti-bullying approach was to encourage Sonja’s targets to be more understanding of her, to try to win her affection and friendship, and to wait for her to learn to be nice, despite the examples she had for parents.

In both cases, these principals had accepted the excuses Walter and Sonja had given.  They also accepted the socially-acceptable, psychological explanations for Walter and Sonja’s behavior as excuses and justifications so that there should be no consequences for them.  They had it hard enough at home.

In both cases, the principals had turned their targets into victims.

There were no consequences for Walter and Sonja: no detention, no suspensions.  Since nothing happened to them, they never had reason to change.  In fact, since they were allowed to continue their bullying, they had gained more power at school.

In addition to the principals not protecting their students, the principals made no attempt to rally all the students to do something about them.  When people can’t get the responsible authorities to protect them, they are given only a few simple choices: submit to the bullying or become vigilantes and take justice into their own hands.  Of course, those principals will punish them, even though they never did anything to Walter and Sonja.

The take-home message is that while we can have sympathy and understanding for bullies’ excuses, justifications and problems, we must still stop their bullying behavior.

Of course, in order to make the point, I’ve simplified the cases I’ve presented.  But the point is simple.  Any complications and difficulties only mean that we may need more determination and cleverness to implement an effective plan.  But those complexities don’t change the direction we need to go.  They may mean that we, as parents, may have to bring great pressure and publicity to bear on principals who won’t stop bullying.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, expert coaching by phone or Skype helps.  Call me to design a plan that fits you and your situation.  And build your will and skill to carry it out effectively.

Anxiety, Depression and Suicide: Lasting Effects of Bullying

Check out the article on “Anxiety, Depression and Suicide: The Lasting Effects of Bullying,” by Brian Krans on Healthline.com. Some good quotes from the article: “Being bullied means always being on high alert.  It’s the cold sweat that builds on the back of your neck anytime a bully is around.  It’s living in constant fear of being a victim.

New research shows that this heightened level of anxiety among victims of bullying—and the bullies themselves—doesn’t stop after elementary school. It can have dramatic effects on a person well into adulthood.”

“Bullying is not just a harmless rite of passage or an inevitable part of growing up.  Victims of bullying are at increased risk for emotional disorders in adulthood.  Bullies/victims are at the highest risk and are most likely to think about or plan suicide.  These problems are associated with great emotional and financial costs to society.”

“Those who were both bullies and victims are more likely to have:

• young adult depression
• panic disorder
• agoraphobia
• suicidal thoughts or actions”

“Professional counseling and therapy may help as well.  If anything, teach your child that bullying is a sign of weakness, not strength, and that it shouldn’t be tolerated.”

Since all tactics depend on the situation, expert coaching by phone or Skype helps.  We can design a plan that fits you and your situation. And build your will and skill to carry it out effectively.

We can't stop bullying if being liked is more important

Of course, we want people to like us, especially those who are close like our parents, children, extended family, friends and co-workers. But we won’t be able to stop bullying if being liked is more important than setting behavioral standards in our environment.  In fact, there are people we actually want NOT to like us.

Think through everyone you know:

1. Who do we want to like us and for what reasons? We think of this category easily.  We want our loved ones to like us because we’re being us, and we hope they’ll be nice to us in return because they like us.
2. Who don’t we care what they think about us? We usually don’t think of this group, but we don’t take it personally when a drunk doesn’t like our clothes or an ignorant personal gives medical or car repair advice or a real jerk doesn’t like our opinions.
3. Who do we want NOT to like us and why? We usually don’t think like this but try it.  Who do we know that they’d only like us if we did what they wanted, which would mean violating our spirits.  Growing up during World War II, I always had examples of Hitler, Stalin and Mao.  For them to like me I’d have to be silent or applaud when they killed people.  But there are smaller and closer examples: co-workers who’ll like us if we didn’t report them embezzling; extended family members who’ll like us only if we allow them to continue beating or molesting children; toxic parents who’ll like us only if we take their abuse; selfish and demanding teenagers who’ll like us only if we give them everything they want to be entitled to; friends who’ll like us only if we allow them to scapegoat other people; spouses who will like us only if we accept their harassment, control and brutality.

Behavioral standards are more important than whether someone likes us.

I hope it’s clear and straightforward, even if it’s not easy.  We’ll never stand up to bullies if we want them to like us.  In order to protect ourselves and our loved ones we must stand against them.  And they won’t like us.  Well, that’s a good reason to be not-liked.

Many people think they’re being tested by everyone else and mostpeople decide they’re okay if they’re being liked.  Instead, go through the world testing everyone else.  Do they act decently?  Do they want us to violate our standards in order to give them something?

Allow only those people who help raise both our behaviors into our personal environments.  Following Rabindranath Tagore’s quote, I think of our “Isle of Song.”  Only people whose behavior is worth my liking can get on my Isle of Song.

But if I don’t care whether I’m liked or not, how will I improve my behavior? Of course, I’m not suggesting that we act like uncaring jerks.  I’m just selective about whose opinion matters and what they’re standards are for liking or not.  We can watch ourselves and listen carefully to feedback from discerning people.  And we can do better without agonizing over whether we’re liked by jerks…or by worse people.

We usually focus on the risks of not being liked when we think of protesting in order to protect and defend ourselves and our loved ones.  There might be consequences, depending on the circumstances, so we must think strategically in deciding what to do.  But we must not allow ourselves to be violated just because we want to be liked by the wrong people.

The greater risk is always in allowing ourselves to be bullied or brutalized.  Actually there’s no risk in allowing that violation.  Instead, there’s a guarantee that eventually the bullies with take our liberty, our freedom and everything we value most.  Eventually, we’ll lose our souls.

More important than being liked is being the hero of your life!

Since all tactics depend on the situation, expert coaching by phone or Skype helps.  We can design a plan that fits you and your situation.  And build your will and skill to carry it out effectively.

Tactics that DON'T stop bullies

Let’s talk about five tactics that don’t stop bullies – in school, in relationships and at work Five tactics that don’t stop bullies – in school, in relationships and at work

1. To deny, minimize, avoid, ignore or condone bad conduct – to suffer in silence or to take the blame or to “Rise above” bullying, harassment or abuse.  How many abused kids and suicides will it take before we realize that bullying does not stop by itself?  How many battered women does it take before we realize that abusers don’t simply wake up one day as better people?
2. To beg, bribe or appease relentless, chronic bullies to try to get them to stop – the Golden Rule won’t stop real-world bullies.  Bullies interpret your kindness and niceness as weakness and an invitation to push more boundaries or to go after you more.
3. Mediate, negotiate or compromise forever. To accept excuses, justifications or promises forever, or to try to educate or rehabilitate forever without requiring immediate change the behavior of bullies – to sacrifice good kids or adults at work (the targets) in order to try to rehabilitate the bullies.
4. Not to have a program with real and escalating consequences to bullies – to dump the bullies on other classes at school or other teams at work.

Relentless bullies are predators who go after the weak, the isolated and those who don’t resist.

You may be a target; don’t be a victim.  Take care of yourself mentally and emotionally.  Treat yourself as if you matter.

See: Leichtling YouTube: Five Common Tactics That Do Not Stop Bullies http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1w8Tno4RJPA

Leichtling YouTube: How Not To Be a Victim of Bullying http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UNx-W9glnFg

Since all tactics depend on the situation, expert coaching by phone or Skype helps.  We can design a plan that fits you and your situation.  And build your will and skill to carry it out effectively.

How NOT to be a victim of bullying

We’ve all been targeted by bullies – at school, in relationships, at home and at work.  You may be a target, but you don’t have to be a victim. Let’s talk about how not to be a victim of bullying.

Victims don’t fight back successfully.  Targets fight back.  Choose not to be a victim!

What are signs of victims?

1. Victims think bullying is their fault; they think they’ve done something wrong.  They think they deserve the bullying.
2. Victims take hostility, harassment, bullying and abuse personally; they feel embarrassed, ashamed, guilty and scared.
3. They try to ignore, appease, beg and bribe bullies; they can’t think of what else to do; they don’t see bullies as simply predators looking for easy prey.
4. Victims feel helpless and hopeless; they cut themselves off from their own inner strength; they don’t stand up.
5. Victims isolate themselves; they don’t get help that’s available.

What are the signs of targets who do not become victims?

1. Targets see bullies as nasty, jerks; they know that bullying is the fault of bullies; they don’t take it personally; they maintain their self-esteem..
2. Targets know they’re not really being picked on because they’re different; bullies bully because they’re bullies; they use the differences as their excuses and justifications.
3. Targets try nice, peaceful methods at first but if those don’t stop the bully, targets push back in many ways – verbal, legal, physical – increasing in firmness.
4. Targets have strong desire and will to resist; they have courage that gives them strength; they have determination, perseverance and resilience.
5. Targets get help; they learn to get people on their side; they learn to create witnesses and defenders.

Powered by their courage, inner strength and grit, targets can think and plan effectively.  Then they can carry out their effective action plan with skill.

Stop complaining, stop whining, stop pouting: no more victim talk.  Don’t be a victim.  Choose.  It’s your life: be the hero of your life.

See: How Not To Be a Victim of Bullying http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UNx-W9glnFg

Since all tactics depend on the situation, expert coaching by phone or Skype helps.  We can design a plan that fits you and your situation.  And build your will and skill to carry it out effectively.

Identify types and tactics of bullies

Learn to identify and label different types of bullies and the tactics they use.  That will give you power.  You’ll know what you’re up against.  You won’t second-guess yourself.  You’ll be able to align and focus your energy and action.  You’ll get the help you need. Some ways many people think of bullying are:

• Mental, emotional, physical bullying (including harassment and threats).
• Verbal bullying, non-verbal harassment, physical violence (attacks on people, pets or things).

But I focus on 5 types of bullies and their tactics:

1. Overt bullies.
2. Covert bullies.
3. Cyberbullies.
4. “Professional Victims.”
5. Self-bullies.

Often there are no clear and fixed lines between these types of bullies and bullies often use different tactics.  I don’t include sexual bullying as a separate category because that can be done using all the tactics.

Overt bullies act out in public.  They’re easier to see and to get evidence against.

Covert bullies are sneaky, manipulative and controlling.  They abuse in secret; it’s much harder to get evidence against them.

Some of the techniques overt and covert bullies use:

• They get out of control and throw temper tantrums (like children).  They’ll have physical or verbal explosions or give the “Loud Silent Treatment.”  They get power by anger and rage.
• They indulge in personal vendettas and scapegoat victims.
• They make harsh judgments or remarks or put-downs.  They’re experts in personal criticism and negativity.
• They talk down to people.  They push sensitive places in order to make other people feel bad.
• Their feelings matter; yours don't.  They make the rules; you don't.  Their reasons make sense; yours don't.  They're right; you're wrong.
• They’re instigators.  They pour gas on the fire, get other people to fight and they create “uproar.”  They’re splinters.
• They’re control-freaks and turf protectors.  They’re always right and righteous.
• They’re relentlessly negative, critical, naysayers who are impossible to please.  They complain until they get attention.
• They tease, taunt and use name calling put-downs.  They use people as emotional punching bags.
• They make nasty, ugly, vicious, snide jokes or cut you down, followed by “I was just kidding” or “You’re too sensitive” or “I didn’t mean anything bad” or “I was only having a little fun.”
• They mock with non-verbal, disrespectful “editorial” comments like eye rolling or snorting.
• They form school yard cliques to cut out their targets. They’re passive-aggressive.  They manipulate, triangulate, and stimulate unhappiness and drama.
• They spread rumors, gossip, innuendos and lies.
• They’re great debaters who never let you win.  They’re antagonistic, boundary pushers who do the minimum and undercut authority and systems.
• They always blame others.  Nothing is ever their fault.  They have endless excuses and justifications while showing little-no improvement.

Cyberbullies are hostile and personal.  They encourage or organize “mobs” to pile on.

“Professional Victims” – most people overlook this category.  Professional victims act fragile and have hurt feelings in order to gain power and control.  People walk on egg shells near them.  They’re hypersensitive, spoiled brats who cry and blame.  They’re hysterical Drama Queens-Kings.  They make a big deal over things you think aren’t worth fighting about.  They use shame, guilt and anger.

Self-bullies beat themselves up all the time.  They feel unworthy and have low self-esteem.  They wallow in self-questioning and self-doubt, and stay stuck and insecure.  They’re easily manipulated by overt and, especially, by covert bullies.  They’re the hardest people to help.

Please watch the following YouTube videos:

• Five Types of Bullies
• Types of Bullies - General

Knowledge is power.  Learn to recognize all types and styles of bullying so you can protect and defend yourself and your children.

Protect your personal environment from pollution.  Get bullies out of your personal space.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, expert coaching by phone or Skype helps.  We can design a plan that fits you and your situation.  And build your will and skill to carry it out effectively.

Stop School Bullies: Force Reluctant Principals to Act

How can you stop school bullies by forcing reluctant, do-nothing principals to protect your children?  That’s a skill many parents must learn. First, bullies are always 100% at fault and that never decreases.  Kids who act as spectators or cheerleaders, and kids who pile on also are at fault on their own.  There’s more than 100% to go around.

The worst are the adults who are responsible for stopping bullying; for creating bully-free schools, but who don’t.  Let’s focus on reluctant, do-nothing principals who tolerate bullying at their schools.

Some principals won’t tolerate bullying, but many principals won’t act strongly and effectively.

Five signs of these do-nothing principals are:

1. They don’t have a school-wide program, including kids and parents, to stop bullies.  There’s no training for teachers, administrators, janitors or bus drivers to recognize the early warning signs of overt and covert bullies; of verbal, emotional, physical and cyberbullying.
2. Even though every kid in the school knows who the bullies are and where and when it happens, do-nothing principals make no effort to monitor areas of the school where most bullying occurs.  They plead ignorance and expect you, the parents who are off-site, to provide the proof for them.
3. They think the best way to stop bullying is through forgiveness, sympathy, compassion, understanding, education and compromise with bullies.  They focus on the reasons bullies bully instead of simply stopping them.  They think that doing some process counts.  But only the results count – stopping bullies.
4. Do-nothing principals blame the target – your child.  They assume your kids must have done something wrong to antagonize the bully.  They don’t keep your kid’s complaint confidential.  Reluctant principals have great sympathy for how hard the bully’s life is and little sympathy for your child, who is the target of harassment and abuse.  Some can’t figure out how to stop a relentless bully so they’d rather look the other way.
5. To keep you in the dark, they plead confidentiality.  Or they ask you to trust them while they handle the situation, but you see that the bullying doesn’t stop.

In these schools, bullying is never one incident; it’s a pattern.  Relentless bullies know who has the power and what they can get away with.

Learn how to force reluctant principals to act. These do-nothing principals are afraid of two things:

1. Publicity.
2. Legal action.

Do-nothing principals don’t want to be involved with something that can get messy for them.  Often, they’re afraid of the bullying parents of the bullying kids.  You must change that.  Since do-nothing principals won’t do what’s right on their own, you must make them more afraid of you.

Four things you can do to make sure your children are protected are:

1. Before there are any incidents, even before school starts, organize a few like-minded parents and start lobbying for a school-wide program including kids and parents.  Get media coverage.  Make sure there are legal rules and a legal process.
2. If bullying begins, talk to the principal and staff.  Listen carefully for excuses, rationalizations, confessions of ignorance, discussions of what constitutes legal evidence – these are bad signs.  Record the conversation.  Send to everyone a follow up email listing all the points and promises made.
3. Give the principal (and counselors and teachers) one chance to stop the bullying – maybe a week or two.  Are bullies removed?  Does cyberbullying stop?  Or is your child picked on even more?
4. If bullying continues, see an expert lawyer, get an expert coach and start making waves.  Contact parents of other kids who are bullied.  Get evidence.  Contact District Administrators.  Contact police.  Get publicity from local radio and TV stations.  File a law suit.  Be prepared for a long, ugly fight.  Document, Document!

Don’t be sweet and weak; be firm.  Be courageous, determined and relentless.  Silence, appeasement, wishful thinking and the Golden Rule don’t stop real-world bullies.

Be effective.  Teach your children how not to be victims.  Your children’s mental, emotional and physical well-being is at stake.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, expert coaching by phone or Skype helps.  We can design a plan that fits you and your situation.  And build your will and skill to carry it out effectively.

Should kids ever fight to stop school bullies?

Should kids ever fight physically in order to stop relentless school bullies? I’ve been interviewed a lot on radio and TV.  But when I ask those interviewers how they stopped bullying when they were kids, all the men say that bullies were stopped when someone beat them up.  More important, beating up a bully changed the target’s life.  The targets now felt that they could succeed in the world – they developed courage, confidence and high self-esteem.

Nevertheless, many well-meaning parents tell their kids never to fight.

They say that:

• Bullies have a hard life so we should have sympathy for what they’re going through and how low their self-esteem must be.
• Don’t sink to the bully’s level by fighting back.  We have it easy so we should rise above the bullies.
• If we’re nice enough, kind enough and loving enough, the bullies will respond by being nice in return.
• We should never push back – verbally or physically.  If we push back, it means we don’t care.
• Violence is morally wrong and violence never solves anything.  Mahatma Gandhi stopped the British without pushing back and by preaching tolerance and love.

Let’s not even argue with those false statements.  If you watch the video about how being nice and caring doesn’t stop bullies, you’ll hear arguments disproving these statements.

Instead, let’s look at what bullies show us about what it takes to stop them.

Imagine a staircase going up.  The harder the bully pushes on us, the higher up the staircase we have to go in order to stop them.

At the lowest steps we do nice, peaceful things to try to get bullies to stop.  We ignore the bullying, we try to laugh it off, we make jokes to try to be friends with the bullies, we say how much it hurts, we ask them to stop or we try to rise above the hurt – that kind of thing.

If the bullying stops, that’s wonderful.  We’ve learned two things:

1. Some peaceful techniques that might work with some people who are bullying.
2. The bully was not a relentless bully.  The bully was a nice kid having a bad day.

But if the bullying does not stop, the bully is showing us that we have to be more firm in order to get that kid to stop.

So we go up to the next steps and push back verbally, and we learn how to do that skillfully.  Sometimes that works.  Bullies often respect other kids who show they’re not afraid and who have clever tongues.

If the bullying stops, that’s wonderful.  And, again, we’ve learned that the other kid was not a relentless bully.

Relentless bullies and determined boundary pushers are not stopped by these peaceful methods.  If we suffer in silence, if we whine, or if we advertise that we’re afraid, bullies think we’re victims waiting to be bullied.  If we’re kind, bullies think we are weak.  They’ll continue harassing and abusing us.

Now we have to go further up the staircase.  At this point targets might talk to school officials they trust to protect and defend them.  And they might get their parents involved.  And they need to remind their parents to get experienced, expert coaching.

If principals, teachers and parents still don’t stop the bullying, the relentless bullies are telling their targets that they’re going to have to fight back.  We’re close to the top of the staircase now.  Basically, we have to beat up the bully really badly – the quicker, nastier and harder the better.

Parents, you should have made sure your kid knows how to fight.  This goes for girls as well as boys.

A lot depends on the situation.  Is it one against one between kids who are the same size?  Is it one against a gang?  Fighting in elementary school can be just fists, but as the kids get older it will probably involve weapons.  There are many situations in which discretion is the better part of valor and the thing to do is to endure until we can get out of a rotten school or neighborhood, or away from a sociopath.

I strongly recommend three things:

1. Don’t be a victim.  You may be a target but you’re in charge of your response as you judge the situation.  Keep a fire of courage and strength burning in your heart.
2. Be willing to fight to protect and defend yourself.  Decide whether warning the bully might end the bullying or whether a surprise attack is your best option.
3. Learn how to fight effectively.  Notice, I did not say, “cleanly.”

What if you get suspended for fighting?  It’s worth getting suspended if you’ve stopped the bullying.  You may be a target; don’t be a victim!

You must be determined, courageous and strong in defending and protecting yourself – not because you deserve it, but because you want to, you have to.  “I want to” is more than enough reason to protect yourself.

I speak this way because I was a short, skinny, four-eyed kid who grew up in a tough, inner city ghetto.  I learned by observation and experience, not by philosophy or wishful thinking.

What’s the price of tolerating bullies; slow erosion of your soul.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, expert coaching by phone or Skype helps.  We can design a plan that fits you and your situation.  And build your will and skill to carry it out effectively.

Will being nice and caring stop school bullies?

I’ll start right off with the bottom line: being “nice” and “caring” won’t help kids stop relentless school bullies. Why not?

I’ve been interviewed a lot on radio and TV.  But when I ask those interviewers how they stopped bullying when they were kids, almost all the women say they were never taught how to stop bullies.  Instead, their well-meaning moms told them:

• Bullies have a hard life so we should have sympathy for what they’re going through and how low their self-esteem must be.
• Don’t sink to the bully’s level by fighting back.  You have it easy so you should rise above the bullies.
• If you’re nice enough, kind enough and loving enough, bullies will respond by being nice in return.
• You should never push back – verbally or physically.  If you push back, it means you don’t care.
• Violence is morally wrong and violence never solves anything.  They cite Mahatma Gandhi as someone who stopped the British without pushing back and by preaching tolerance and love.

All these women now bear a grudge against their well-meaning mothers.  Those messages are all wrong.  These women learned the hard way that the way you identify relentless bullies is that “nice” and “caring” don’t convert them from predators to friends.

First, the statement about Gandhi is a complete misunderstanding of his tactics.  Applying ahimsa to relentless bullies is not a good comparison.  If Gandhi had tried his tactics against Hitler, Stalin, Chairman Mao or the founder of Pakistan, he wouldn’t have lasted ten minutes.

Second, violence was required to stop slavery, Nazism, Fascism and communism, to name just a few.

Third, you have to love yourself first.  Sometimes, the most caring thing you can do for someone who’s a jerk and a bully is to show them that their tactics don’t work.  They’d better learn new tactics.

Fourth, you can’t love relentless bullies enough to change how they treat you.  Ignoring, minimizing and “rising above” do not stop relentless bullies.  Appeasement, begging and bribery do not stop relentless bullies.

Fifth, you’re not the bully’s therapist; it’s not your job to rehabilitate them.  The adults have that responsibility, but only after they protect and defend the targets of bullying.

Appeasement is never effective with determined boundary pushers who always want more.  If you suffer in silence, if you whine, or if you advertise that you’re afraid bullies think you’re a victim waiting to be bullied.  If you are kind, bullies think you are weak.  They’ll continue to harass and abuse you.

Don’t waste time complaining about your society, the media, your parents, your friends, your school officials, or how hard it is.

It’s your job to protect and defend your personal space from predators.  It’s your job to make bullies a small part of your mental and emotional world so you can get on with your education and your life

You must be determined, courageous and strong in defending and protecting yourself – not because you deserve it, but because you want to, you have to.  “I want to” is more than enough reason to protect yourself.

You must learn how to push back verbally, to get help from school officials, your parents and the police, and to fight back when you have to and you can.

You have to succeed even though conditions haven’t been prepared perfectly for you.  Don’t starve while you’re waiting for someone else to set the table.  You have to overcome obstacles; it’s a sign of good character.

You may be a target; don’t be a victim!

What’s the price of tolerating bullies; slow erosion of your soul.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, expert coaching by phone or Skype helps.  We can design a plan that fits you and your situation.  And build your will and skill to carry it out effectively.

Stop sneaky school bullies

Learn how to recognize and stop covert, sneaky bullies and control freaks in school. Overt bullies are easy to recognize; they’re loud, obnoxious, threatening and in your face.

Sneaky, stealthy bullies are harder to recognize.  But if we don’t recognize their tactics and label them as “bullies” we can’t energize ourselves to develop and carry out an effective plan to stop them.

Seven warning signs of sneaky, bullying controllers in school are:

1. They think their sense of humor is correct. They use you as an emotional punching bag.  They think they can say whatever they want and you’re supposed to take it.  They make nasty, vicious, demeaning, hurtful remarks to you and about you in public.  They point out all your mistakes and failings, and they tell your embarrassing secrets.  Then they laugh like it’s a joke.  If you object, they say you’re too sensitive or they were kidding.  They think your feelings are stupid and not logical.  But you better not say anything about them.
2. They elbow you or knock your books down and look innocent and pretend it was an accident. And they smile.
3. Bullies form cliques and gangs. They cut you out.  They lure or push other kids to bully you also.  They say bullying you is your fault because you’re different.  But the real reason they bully is that they’re bullies.  They want power and control, and to feel good by putting you down.
4. They’re sure they’re more important than you are. They think your whole life should be devoted to their needs, wants and whims.  If you won’t, they’ll make you look bad.  They pretend to be your best friend but then you have to do what they want, or their feelings will be hurt.  They’ll spread gossip, rumors and lies about you.
5. Everyone is a pawn in their game. They think you have value only as long as you can help them or you worship them.  They’re selfish, arrogant and demanding; they think they should be catered to or waited on.  Anyone who doesn’t help or who gets in their way becomes an enemy.  You’re afraid that if you disagree, they’ll strike back at you.
6. They think their excuses, excuse them. They think their reasons are always correct and are enough to justify what they do.  They think that if you don’t agree, you simply don’t understand or you’re evil.  The absolute certainty of these manipulative narcissists seduces you into self-doubt and self-bullying.  You become unsure of your own judgment and wisdom; eventually you give in to them.
7. They think their logic, reasoning and rules, rule. They think they’re allowed to do anything they want – to take what they want, to harass, abuse, attack or to strike back in any way they want – but everyone else should be bound by their rules.  If your feelings are hurt by what they’ve said or done, they say it’s your fault and your problem.  They’re right and righteous.  Everything is your fault.

Sneaky bullies are emotional manipulators.  They try to make you feel helpless and hopeless.  They isolate you.

Ignore your self-bullying; that little voice that doesn’t like you, that tells you that the narcissistic control-freak might be right.  If you don’t trust your own guts you’ll get sucked in, just like you would into a black hole.

You can never be kind, nice, sweet or caring enough to change them.  You are not the therapist to solve their psychological problems.  The responsible adults are supposed to stop them and then change them or to isolate them.  They’re bullying, control-freaks.  Don’t debate or argue with them, but don’t ignore them.

These bullies have been around forever.  A quote from one of the oldest books we have, “The Mahabharata,” says, “If you are gentle, [bullies] will think you are afraid.  They will never be able to understand the motives that prompt you to be gentle.  They will think you are weak and unwilling to resist them.”

See them as the sneaky bullies they are.  Fight back verbally.  Get help.  Have your friends record what the say and do.  That’s what cell phones are really for.  Get help from a trusted teacher and you parents.  Fight back physically if you can and have to.

If we don’t stop bullies, they’ll think we’re easy prey.  Like sharks, they’ll just go after us more.

Keep a flame burning in your heart.  You may be a target; don’t be a victim.  Fight back.

What’s the price of tolerating bullies; slow erosion of your soul.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, expert coaching by phone or Skype helps.  We can design a plan that fits you and your situation.  And build your will and skill to carry it out effectively.

Can I Build my Children's Character with the Cowboy Code?

Following reviews of Paul Tough’s book, “How Children Succeed: Grit, Curiosity and the Hidden Power of Character,” Holly Finn brings in Cowboy Ethics and the Cowboy Code in her review in the Wall Street Journal, “Where Have All the Cowboys Gone?”  She contrasts the Cowboy Code with many examples of poor character shown by students and their parents – lying, cheating, stealing and doing anything to get ahead at many of our most prestigious schools. Of course she’s right about character versus greed and success at any price.

Whether the Code comes from Jim Owen’s book, "Cowboy Ethics: What Wall Street Can Learn from the Code of the West" or from Ernest Morris’ “El Vaquero: The Cowboy Code,” the message is the same.  Character counts.  Character counts first and most.  Or, as said elsewhere, “What will it profit a man if he gains the whole world and forfeits his soul?”

Some of the crucial traits of Cowboy Ethics and different Cowboy Codes are:

1. Live each day with courage.
2. Take pride in your work.
3. Always finish what you start.
4. Do what has to be done.
5. Be tough, but fair.
6. When you make a promise, keep it.
7. Ride for the brand.
8. Talk less and say more.
9. Remember that some things aren't for sale.
10. Know where to draw the line.
11. A cowboy never takes unfair advantage - even of an enemy.
12. A cowboy never betrays a trust.  He never goes back on his word.
13. A cowboy always tells the truth.
14. A cowboy is kind and gentle to small children, old folks, and animals.
15. A cowboy is free from racial and religious intolerances.
16. A cowboy is always a good worker.
17. A cowboy respects womanhood, his parents and his nation's laws.
18. A cowboy is clean about his person in thought, word, and deed.
19. A cowboy is a Patriot.
20. The highest badge of honor a person can wear is honesty.  Be truthful at all times.
21. Your parents are the best friends you have.  Listen to them and obey their instructions.
22. If you want to be respected, you must respect others.  Show good manners in every way.
23. Only through hard work and study can you succeed.  Don't be lazy.
24. Your good deeds always come to light.  So don't boast or be a show-off.
25. If you waste time or money today, you will regret it tomorrow.  Practice thrift in all ways.
26. Many animals are good and loyal companions.  Be friendly and kind to them.
27. A strong, healthy body is a precious gift.  Be neat and clean.
28. Our country's laws are made for your protection.  Observe them carefully.
29. Children in many foreign lands are less fortunate than you.  Be glad and proud you are an American.
30. I will be brave, but never careless.
31. I will obey my parents. They DO know best.
32. I will be neat and clean at all times.
33. I will be polite and courteous.

But the Cowboy Code is not true; few cowboys really followed it. Yes, that’s right.  Many of the exemplars are fictional or fictionalized characters like Hopalong Cassidy and Wild Bill Hickok.  We can quibble with many of the sentiments and find situations in which, for example, parents are not always good, right and deserving of respect.

So what?  The factual nature doesn’t matter.  What matters is what spirit gets stimulated in our children’s hearts and even in us as adults.  The history of the greatness of the human spirit and human endeavor is passed on generation after generation through stories that inspire each new individual to be great and to do good.  It’s passed on in myth, legend and fiction, as well as through the lives and deeds of great men and women – great humans.

That’s the way human education works.  What counts is what gets inspired in the heart of each child and each adult.

Won’t honesty and good character mean that our children will be beaten out by the cheaters? That’s what many parents are afraid of: the cheaters will get better grades, get into better schools and eventually get better jobs and careers; lying cheating and stealing are necessary for survival or success.  But those predictions come from fear and aren’t necessarily true.

Step back from fear and think.  Would we want our children to become or to marry people who are selfish, lying, cheaters?  Don’t we want our children to have “Cowboy” character and to their live lives based on that?

If our children become witnesses or defenders, won’t they get into trouble? Maybe.  Children or adults who speak out against harassment, bullying and abuse can get trouble focused on them.  Children or adults who speak out against domestic violence, racism, religious persecution, genocide and terrorism can get trouble focused on them.  We each decide what to do in specific situations.

What’s crucial is to know the difference between right and wrong.  If we don’t know the difference, if we think that all values are the equal because there are so many different ones across the globe, we are making a grave mistake.  Different values lead to different places and we choose the direction we will try to go.

The engine and the steering wheel. Traits and skills like grit, determination, perseverance, fortitude, endurance and resilience are our engine.  We need the power of these abilities to get anywhere on the long road of life.

The values, beliefs and attitudes that are embodied in the humans who exemplify the Cowboy Code or Cowboy Ethics, whether as real as Lincoln, as fictionalized as Wild Bill Hickok or as fictional as Hopalong Cassidy, are our steering wheel.

We need both an engine and a steering wheel to get where we want to go.

What engine and steering wheel do we try to teach our children?  What engine and steering wheel are we models of for our children?  Which values are more important when some of ours conflict or are even mutually exclusive?

Since all tactics depend on the situation, expert coaching by phone or Skype helps.  We can design a plan that fits you and your situation.  And build your will and skill to carry it out effectively.

Are parents liable for kids' school cyberbullying?

Teenagers do things behind our backs.  They hide things from their parents just like we did.  But suppose they’re involved in cyberbullying?  Even if they’re not the original perpetrator, suppose they simply get drawn in to pile-on? Are we liable when they’re cyberbullies?

Sometimes, people make nasty, sarcastic, critical remarks to a friend about someone else but they don’t expect it to get forwarded to everyone at school.  Lesson learned, I hope.

But how about our children being relentlessly nasty and vicious to everyone they don’t like on social networks?  How about if they tell people to kill themselves?

How about our children sending obscene remarks to lots of people under the name of someone they don’t like?  How about our kids asking people to pile on to call someone they don’t like obscene names?  How about our teenager setting up a fake Facebook page in the name of someone they don’t like, filled with altered pictures of the person, a fake history and rants about all the other kids at school?

About 50 percent of teens with internet access report having been bullied online.  About the same number report doing the cyberbullying.  More than one in three report having received cyber threats.  Only 10 percent of kids who are bullied tell their parents.  Only 15 percent of parents know what their kids doing online, especially on social networks.  Of course, these numbers are rough estimates, but in my experience, they’re low estimates.

If these things are done at school, schools will get involved.  What might a permanent record of these actions do to your teenager’s chance of getting a good job or getting accepted into college?

If the cyberbullying is done from our home computers, the school will probably not get involved.  But the police will.  And our liability as parents will be increased.

Notice, I didn’t approach cyberbullying as a moral wrong.  We grownups know that.  But how far would we go on moral grounds to stop cyberbullying by our children if that meant a pitched battle with angry teenagers.  They will object because we’re spying on them or we’re stopping them from joining some “in-crowd” they desperately want to belong to.

So I approached stopping cyber bullies by asking about our liability.

Suppose the bullied kids and their parents go to the police about our children as a cyber bullies?  Do we want the police coming to our door?  Do we want to defend ourselves by saying that we didn’t know?

Suppose the targets file a suit against our children and against us for damages?  Even if we win, how much money will the lawyers cost?  How will we stand the publicity on every television and newspaper in town?  Suppose it goes nationwide?

The lines of responsibility are in flux now because the area of law is so new.  We don’t know where a judge or jury might come down in our case.

Suppose the target of our children’s venom commits suicide or gets a gun to wreak vengeance?  Suppose we could lose our house in a civil suit?  Suppose we could go to jail?  Does that change our willingness to limit the freedoms our children want when they’re living in our home and using a computer we bought?

The bottom line is that we’re responsible for our children.  They live under our roofs.  We must know what they’re doing.  They don’t have privacy.

If we don’t set limits when they’re younger, they’ll grow up to be teens who think they can do whatever they want.  They’ll know they can wear us down if we try to limit them.  Even though we may pay the price.

If they’ve become teenagers already who think they’re entitled to do what they want, we’d better set boundaries before they do something that can ruin our lives as well as theirs.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, expert coaching by phone or Skype helps.  We can design a plan that fits you and your situation.  And build your will and skill to carry it out effectively.

Are you a hero or a bystander?

Sue Shellenbarger’s article in the Wall Street Journal, “Are you a hero or a bystander?” will help you analyze your potential to be a hero.  It’ll give you clues as to whether you’re likely to step up in a crisis. The article is typical of a way of thinking that’s irrelevant, misleading and destructive.

Some of the hidden assumptions behind the article are:

1. You are who you are; which is a product of the way you’ve been raised.
2. If you have certain beliefs – the reasons people gave for why they stepped up in a crisis – then that will determine how you’ll act.  If you don’t have those beliefs, you’re stuck as a bystander.
3. If we examine the factors that people give for why they act brave, then we understand heroism and we can replicate it.

That approach is a dead end and a waste of time; it’s all mental and irrelevant in human affairs.

Instead, try a much simpler approach:

1. Confront your fears.
2. Decide how you want to act in any 10 recent examples that have made the headlines – the shooting in the movie theater in Aurora, Colorado, witnessing a car crash, hearing someone scream for help, etc.
3. Train yourself to act the courageous way you want to without thinking in the moment.

I know that sounds too simple but give it a try.

Remember, that’s the way we train cops, firefighters, paramedics, EMTs, etc.  That’s the way we train football, basketball and soccer players.  They do the drills over and over and over until they react the way they want without thinking.

For example, only a small percent of us will go to war, but a large percent of us will witness harassment, bullying and abuse.  How do you want to respond in the moment?  Do you want to be a bystander or spectator?  Do you want to be a witness or a defender?

Train yourself – discipline and preparation.

Remember Captain Chesley Sullenberger.  He’s the pilot who put that commercial, jumbo jet full of passengers down in the Hudson River with no loss of life.  He didn’t crash into Manhattan, which would probably have killed thousands.  How did he know what to do?  He’ll tell you that he heard of something horrific when he was about 11 years old, when people simply looked away instead of being courageous.  He vowed he’d always act bravely and he trained himself to be prepared so he could act effectively.  Discipline and practice.

Never accept that you are the way you are – fixed in stone – because of the genetics, family of origin, beliefs, values and attitudes you grew up with.

History is not destiny.

Instead, determine how you want to be and then train yourself.  It’s the only way to have a chance to be the person you want to be.

It’s your life.  Be the hero of your life.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, expert coaching by phone or Skype helps.  We can design a plan that fits you and your situation.  And build your will and skill to carry it out effectively.