Iris (fictitious name) was tired of being verbally abused by her 40-year-old son and especially tired of feeling guilty. He was negative, critical and bullying. He claimed she’d ruined his life; his problems and failures were all her fault. Nothing she ever said or did quenched his anger and, therefore, relieved her guilt. No apologies or gifts were ever enough.
He told her, “You deserve whatever I want to do to you as long as you live.”
He felt entitled to say or do anything he wanted to her. He could punish her in any way he wanted (verbally, emotionally, physically) and she was supposed to take it. She could give him every penny she had and go live on the street, and it still wouldn’t make him happy; it still wouldn’t be enough.
She knew she hadn’t been a perfect mother, but she didn’t think she was that bad.
If anything, she’d given him too much and protected him from the consequences of his stupid decisions at school, at work and with the police. She thought she’d created this monster. He was a selfish, entitled, demanding, whining, complaining, cruel narcissist who claimed he was always the victim of other people. And it was her fault.
Righteous indignation and anger were his default setting.
Actually, she knew he’d been that way even when he was a little child. He always drove away friends, insulted teachers and acted like the whole world owed him what he wanted. She’d always given in and tried to protect him from the consequences of his actions because she knew if she hadn’t, the fight with him would even be worse. She just prayed he’d finally understand how nasty he was and miraculously change; he’d finally grow up.
I asked her, “Who said you had to be perfect in order to be loved, appreciated, respected, and treated civilly and politely?”
Where did you get such that idea? We both knew the answer. She grew up being told she had to be a perfect mom. She vowed she’d give her son everything she hadn’t gotten, including understanding, kindness, forgiveness, and unconditional love. He’d grown up expecting the same. All the media, the experts and his friends told him she was supposed to give him what he wanted. Her job was to please him and make him happy. He didn’t have to give her anything unless he thought she’d earned it. His job was to demand more submission and obedience.
Iris realized that to him, “perfect mother” meant she always did what he wanted, gave what he wanted, made him happy. That is, she had to support, validate and eventually worship him. He was always right. Her job was to serve and take the beatings with humility and appreciation for his correction of her insufficient efforts.
Iris kept asking, “Why does he keep punishing me?”
She finally accepted the truth she’d been avoiding. His behavior was explainable and predictable if she looked at him as if he was an alcoholic or addict. He was addicted to his view of the world (he was entitled to be given everything he wanted, every moment, and nothing was ever his fault) and to the pleasure he got from torturing her. He enjoyed being mean and nasty, enjoyed hurting and punishing her. He was one of the many people she knew about, through all of history, who loved being right and loved hurting people who didn’t agree with or worship them. He was a missionary for his own view of himself and the world.
What Iris did.
Her first step was to find the place in her where she knew the truth, where she had always known the truth. She’d been a good parent; she was not responsible for his pain or anger, she was not guilty. The responsibility and fault were one hundred percent his. He’d never listened to her; he’d made poor choices and thrown temper tantrums all his life. His story of his life was self-serving, false and warped.
Her guilt was gone and only returned in flashes occasionally. And that guilt no longer moved her to feed his addiction.
She didn’t need his understanding, forgiveness, permission or agreement to deal with him the way she wanted. And the best help she could give him was to stop enabling him; to stop feeding his addiction.
Then she told him she was so disappointed in him; it broke her heart. He’d become so weak; he’d thrown away such great potential. She loved him but she didn’t like, respect or admire him. She was letting go of enabling and rescuing him. He was on his own. She was challenging him to succeed in life without his mommy’s help. Their adult relationship would never again have money involved, never again have abuse toward her. She knew he still had goodness and greatness within him. She’d encourage him; she’d cheer him on from the sidelines, but she wouldn’t take any bullying or abuse from him.
Of course, he threw a temper tantrum at her; he blamed her, he cursed her. She said, “I’m blocking you for one month. I’ll give you a chance to do better after that. If you keep acting like a little boy, I’ll give you a longer time-out.”
A funny thing happened. Iris felt like dancing. Even though she was scared about his future, she felt free for the first time in decades. She knew, with every fiber of her being, she was saving the only life she could…hers.
Of course, there are many complications depending on your situation. The best way to learn how to take power in your life and to be the person you want to be is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and counseling so you can:
Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.
Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to create the life your spirit has always hungered for.
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