Bullies enabled by co-dependent families

Jill was amazed.  Her family knew about her lying, manipulative, backstabbing, rage-aholic middle daughter but so many seemed to take her side.

That daughter was narcissistic and entitled.  Jill’s family was co-dependent and enabling.

They’d turn on Jill and encourage her to forgive, to rise above and to not make waves.  They’d say Jill was being too sensitive or Jill wasn’t perfect either or Jill knew how her daughter was so she should just do whatever her daughter wanted.  They’d say if only Jill was nicer, her daughter would be fine.  Jill should feel guilty for making her daughter angry.  Jill should love and forgive as long as she lived.  They always wanted Jill to change and let her daughter get away with it.

Those are among the seven techniques that do not stop bullies.

Why didn’t anyone stand up and defend Jill from her daughter’s bullying and abuse?

1. Sometimes, especially with covert bullies, other people simply are fooled.  But that’s not the case in Jill’s family.
2. Sometimes people are afraid that if Jill makes a big issue, it will split the family into warring camps.  Since they’re not being harmed, they don’t want the family split.  The 20th C provided lots of examples of people looking the other way until it was too late.
3. Sometimes people put justice and standards aside when they might have to do something that makes them uncomfortable and shines a light on them.  Most people won’t stand up when they’re afraid of Jill’s daughter’s wrath directed at them.
4. Sometimes people simply side with the winner.  Jill’s daughter looked like she had the power because Jill didn’t know how to defend herself effectively.  As soon as Jill learns, the ground will shift and some people will start allying with her.
5. Usually people see who’s the most stubborn and intransigent.  They think they’ll never budge a relentless attacker so they give in and try to change the more reasonable person.  They want the nicer person to compromise.  They hope Jill’s appeasement will buy some peace and quiet, and eventually, Jill’s daughter will get enough control and power and stop throwing fits.

I see these last three reasons operating most of the time.

I’ve seen people verbally beaten down by couples’ therapists and divorce mediators because they’re the more reasonable person.  The therapist or mediator assumes that the angriest person must have been offended by some action on the part of the reasonable person and they want the reasonable person to give in.

At work, I’ve seen many people pile on and mob innocent targets.  People want to be part of the power-club so they attack the weakling or outcast.

Jill got over her guilt and decided she would honor her values about good behavior, decency and justice as more important than loyalty to a daughter who was ripping her flesh apart and a family who was co-dependent and enabling.  When Jill started standing up, everything shifted in the family.  Jill took power by tactics that were sometimes overt and sometimes covert to catch her daughter in lies and isolate her.

Of course, there are many complications depending on your situation.  The best way to learn how to take power in your life and to be the person you want to be is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and counseling so you can:

1. Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.
2. Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to create the life your spirit has always hungered for.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert counseling and coaching by phone or Skype.

Children of Divorce: Loyal to who?

Hope divorced her narcissistic, angry, bullying, abusive, sadistic husband when the kids were 10 and 14.  Her ex rapidly reverted to the life-style he had when she met him: he quit his job, sponged off whoever he could, started living off an alcoholic tramp and preached against education and a good career for himself and his children.  He was nice to the kids only when they did what he wanted or to cause them guilt to get them to give in to him.  His mantra to the kids was, “Don’t get a swelled head and rise higher than me.”

But he could also be charming when he wanted so she worried that her children would get sucked into his desire to control them, to turn them into allies against her and to turn them into losers.

What could she tell them?

1. “Trust your gut.”  Most important for kids is to trust what they see, hear and feel.  They do recognize tension, anger, control and verbal and physical beatings, and manipulation.  They do know where they feel like they have to walk on egg shells.  Don’t let them start to distrust themselves because some adults try to disguise the pain they’re causing by labeling it, “Love.  For your own good.  Show me you love me by doing what I want.  I know best for you.  This is the way things should be.”
2. “Improve your gut.  Learn to recognize sooner when someone is using you or taking advantage of you or causing you pain – no matter what reasons or excuses they give you.  Also, learn to examine yourself for times when you are simply reacting because you don’t get what you want.”
3. “Choose what to be loyal to.  Your father will want you to be loyal to him and his agenda, to show your love by being an accomplice in attacking your mother and in destroying the wonderful future you can have.  Don’t be loyal to your father.  That’s not the most important value.  Don’t be loyal to your mother, either.”
4. “Be loyal to the greatest future you can imagine.  If that hurts the feelings of either parent, tough for them.  Your future is more important than your parents.  The most important loyalty is to a wonderful future for yourself.  Be true to that future.  You’re both smart.  Dream big.  Get educated; get great careers.  Be all you can be in the world.  Do what makes your life the greatest it can be.”

When Hope looked at the decisions for herself and her kids that way it was clear and straightforward; not necessarily easy.  It was not a fight between her and her ex, even if he wanted to make it into that.  It was a fight within her kids to struggle for the best future they could imagine versus giving in to anyone who thought the kids should do less and become less just to make them feel good.

Of course, husbands sometimes have to say the same things to counter narcissistic wives.

Of course, there are many complications depending on your situation.  The best way to learn how to take power in your life and to be the person you want to be is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and counseling so you can:

1. Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.
2. Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to create the life your spirit has always hungered for.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert counseling and coaching by phone or Skype.

Divorce or not: with kids

Is it better for the kids if unhappy parents’ divorce or should they stay together for the sake of the kids?

We can’t answer the question when asked that way.  There is no general answer.  There are answers only for each specific family, “How bad is it, for the parents and for the kids?”

And, in the present moment, we can never be sure of the final results because the effects will be in the unknown future.

How bad is it?
Jenna’s husband could be charming when he wanted to but when he didn’t have complete obedience or absolute control he’d become negative, critical and mean.  She thought she could put up with it but when he tormented, bullied and abused the kids, she couldn’t stand it.

He’d never admit he ever did anything wrong or nasty.  His punishment was always their fault.  They deserved whatever he did to them, whether he was “merely” continuously yelling or slapping them until they cried or giving them a very loud and long silent treatment.  He taught them to vie for his affection and to be mean and nasty to each other.  He told them he loved them, and they’d better love him and show it by doing what he wanted.

When she saw the kids cower and try to please him, when she saw them scared and feeling guilty she thought they were suffering too much.  

Do kids need a father?
Jenna hesitated because she’d been raised to think that kids should honor their parents.  What put her over the edge was when he started talking pornography to the older boy.  Her husband was addicted to pornography and always defended it as “harmless.”  Jenna couldn’t stand to see her son corrupted.

She decided that the real question was, “Do the kids need that particular father as a role model?
That question focused her.  She became clear.  That father was a corrupting and poisoning influence.  He was narcissistic and would try to beat or manipulate her children into submission.

Which competing value should Jenna choose?
Jenna decided that her children’s futures were her most important value.  And her most important task was to protect them against harm.  They needed to see their mother stand up against bullying and abuse.  They needed to see their mother protect them.  So she filed for divorce and sole custody.

What should she tell the kids?
One of her values was never to say anything bad about the children’s father.  But if she lied, they wouldn’t be protected.

Jenna decided the most important value was to label the truth so her children could mentally and emotionally defend themselves against a scary and corrupting influence.  In an age-appropriate way, she wouldn’t pretend their father was nice, kind and loving to them.  Their father was not nice; the 20% nice he did was balanced by the 80% manipulation, bullying and abuse.  He was a wolf underneath the sheep’s clothing of the word, “father.”

Her speaking the truth freed the kids to make up their own minds.
The kids knew how they felt with their father and how they felt with her.  They knew where pain and fear lay, and where they were safe.  She finally talked about their father’s narcissism and brutality openly, instead of minimizing or pretending that nothing was wrong.  Their own experience helped them start trusting their own judgment of how much he’d hurt them.  His behavior was not love the way they wanted to feel it or express it.

Maybe, a better question for all of us is, “Which path do we want to go down, knowing we don’t know the future?”

Of course, there are many complications depending on your situation.  The best way to learn how to take power in your life and to be the person you want to be is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and counseling so you can:

1. Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.
2. Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to create the life your spirit has always hungered for.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert counseling and coaching by phone or Skype.

Narcissistic, controlling, toxic parents in old age

Tracy had tried to hide the realization all her life, but at age 50 she finally saw her parents and siblings clearly.  Her parents were narcissistic, controlling, manipulative and toxic.  Her sisters and brother had also bullied and abused her whenever they could.  

She was always told she wasn’t good enough, bright enough or nice enough.  Even when she tried to please them and even when she did all the work and acted like their slave, her efforts weren’t good enough.  Her wonderful marriage and successful career were never proof she deserved anything but negativity, criticism and scorn.

Now they were old, they told her she had to move in with them and spend her money to take care of them.
They didn’t care about her family and her own obligations and responsibilities.  They didn’t care about her savings.  All that mattered to them was what they wanted.  They were physically and monetarily well off but they missed having a servant to criticize and command.

When Tracy hesitated they tried to beat her into submission verbally and physically, like they always had.
They called ten times a day to remind her she was rotten, uncaring and a bad person.  When she visited to celebrate her father’s birthday, he shoved her against a wall and stomped away.  He refused to see her.  She was no daughter of his.  They’d cut her out of their wills.

When beatings didn’t work, they shifted into their life-long patterns of manipulation.
They used guilt and shame, “They had raised her and now she owed them.  How could she abandon them in their time of need?  She was not a kind or loving person.  She was a bad example for her children, who would treat her even worse.  She deserved to fry in hell.  ”

They got the other children and aunts and uncles to bombard Tracy with criticism.  They were too busy to help so Tracy had to.  If she didn’t, the rest of the family would shun her.

When they saw Tracy unmoved, her parents apologized for whatever she thought they’d done.
Since they’d apologized, she could show she’d forgiven them by moving in and taking care of them.

Whose way matters?
Tracy finally saw that in their minds, it was their way or nothing.  When she was 18, they didn’t want to spend money on her so they’d thrown her out even though she was a good girl and hadn’t done anything wrong.  Now, when they wanted to save their money and be taken care of, they wanted her to be their slave.  They didn’t want to face their fears in a new way.

But Tracy didn’t want to do things their way.  

The choices Tracy saw were:

1. Give in to them; abandon her life, move in with them, spend her time, energy and money taking care of them.  After the episode on her father’s birthday, and her siblings’ reactions, Tracy knew that no matter what she did or didn’t do, it would never be enough or right.  She’d be criticized and condemned no matter what she did.
2. Refuse to abandon her life to take care of them.  Tell them to spend their own money or get it from the other three children they’d always favored.
3. Decide how much she wanted to give, maybe depending on what her siblings gave, and pay part for an independent living facility in the city they now lived, far away from her.  That way, she could love them from afar and avoid their toxic personalities.

Tracy chose the third course.  And she told them all if they were nice she’d come to visit on holidays.  But if they weren’t nice to her, she wouldn’t visit and she’d withdraw the money.  She was making her own rules for the benefit of her future and her family.

Of course, there are many complications depending on your situation.  The best way to learn how to take power in your life and to be the person you want to be is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and counseling so you can:

1. Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.
2. Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to create the life your spirit has always hungered for.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert counseling and coaching by phone or Skype.

Entitled, victim children: Comments on Jennifer Bricker

I’ve received many comments about my post on Jennifer Bricker, asking me to expand more on the toxic adult children who feel they didn’t get enough from their parents and are still trying to beat or guilt those parents into submission.  See the YouTube Video about her.

They use two sets of tactics:

1. They’re angry and vengeful, and try to beat their parents into submission.  They say, “You ruined my life.  My life has failed because you did bad things to me or you didn’t give me enough.  You’re guilty and I’m entitled.  Now you have to give me everything, and do what I want forever.”  And they’ll go public with the complaints and stories they’ve decided to believe.
2. They’re victims, and want their parents to accept the blame and guilt, forever.  They say, “I’ve failed because I was a victimized and you need to give me everything I want for the rest of my life.”  And they’ll go public with the complaints and stories they’ve decided to believe.

In both cases, these entitled, toxic adult children want to remain children all their lives.
They’d rather get what they want from their parents who love them and want to help them become independent and happy, instead of doing the really hard work of getting what they need from a world that’s indifferent to them, that doesn’t care whether they succeed or not.

Growing up means becoming self-supporting and independent; physically, financially mentally and emotionally.  When people become functioning adults then they can go back and revisit their relationship with parents who they think didn’t give them everything they wanted.

There are questions to ask these bullying, abusive children in adult bodies.
“Examine your false beliefs.  What short-term prize do you get by maintaining them despite evidence to the contrary?  Who do you know that has overcome ten times worse than you?  When will you become independent and able to stand on your own feet?”

William Boast summarized it well: “Don’t ask for more until you’ve made something great and wonderful out of what you’ve already been given.”

So simply keep asking those questions.  And give them nothing until they become independent.  And pray they get it.  Only a percent will, but it’s the only approach I’ve ever seen be successful.  I’ve never seen continued giving and continued attempts to educate them be successful.  These toxic children misinterpret every kindness and loving action as an admission of your guilt and the success of their tactics.

Think of Jennifer Bricker’s personality; her fire and joy in facing her life’s challenges despite the huge degree of difficulty.
Hold her up as a challenge to these adults.  You can lead a horse to water but only they can overcome their first challenge.

I’d suggest the same tactics to the children of toxic parents who didn’t get what they wanted or who were brutalized when they were children, and then became narcissistic, bullying, abusive parents to their own children.
As long as their parents continue being selfish, controlling, demanding adults, the children have to let go and let their parents sink or swim on their own.  Or pay for care a thousand miles away so they’re not dragged under and drowned by their parent’s demands.

Of course, there are many complications depending on your situation.  The best way to learn how to take power in your life and to be the person you want to be is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and counseling so you can:

1. Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.
2. Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to create the life your spirit has always hungered for.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert counseling and coaching by phone or Skype.

Whining, complaining kids or adults: Study Jennifer Bricker

If you know kids or adults who whine and complain about hard life is, how unfair it is or how they didn’t get what they wanted from you or the world, suggest they learn about Jennifer Bricker.  And the sister she eventually discovered she has.

Start with the YouTube video from Real Sports with Bryant Gumbel (#184):
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CPdmXsQMmBc

The whole episode isn’t available but this short clip will lead you to many other short videos that tell other parts of the story.  Worth watching them all.  Worth getting to see Jennifer.  Worth having her for a model whispering in your ear when you need it.

Or read her book, “Everything is Possible.”  But I think the visual is unforgettable.

A few of the weak, spineless people we know may be transformed when they watch.  But I don’t count on it.  I think of it as us handing them another offering of magic potion they can use to grow a backbone.

But if you hear them whining about how easy she had it, you’ll be reminded you can lead a horse to water but you can’t make them drink.  Or there are some lessons that cannot be taught; but they can be learned.  And only after people learn that lesson can we help them.  Before that time, anything we offer is rejected or wasted.

So sad.

But she’s one of my models.  And so is her sister.

Or read case study #6 in my book, “Parenting Bully-Proof Kids,” and think about overcoming self-bullying, self-doubt and low self-esteem.  The only cure for fear is courage

Of course, there are many complications depending on your situation.  The best way to learn how to take power in your life and to be the person you want to be is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and counseling so you can:

1. Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.
2. Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to create the life your spirit has always hungered for.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert counseling and coaching by phone or Skype.

Different rules for different situations, people

Suzie was desperate.  She knew she wasn’t succeeding in some areas of her life but she didn’t know why.  She’d tried everything she could think of, but nothing changed those situations.

Her relationship with her husband was wonderful; they had the same rules for how to treat people.  They were always caring, kind, considerate and polite.  When they disagreed, they could talk things through and come to an agreement, or they could deal with differences in ways that showed respect and appreciation.

But with her adult children, with some neighbors and at work, no matter how nice Suzie was, she was faced with outright criticism, bossiness, blaming, bullying and abuse.

Suzie had never been taught she needed different rules for different situations.
She thought the only right way to act was to give people what they wanted, to bend over backward to be accommodating and never to insist on anything for herself.

She hadn’t noticed many other people had different agendas and goals than she did, and they also had different rules about how to treat other people, even their parents.  They seemed to interpret her kindness as weakness.  They acted as if her wishes didn’t count and they could connive or take whatever they wanted. They showed her no respect or appreciation.  They manipulate her or simply demanded what they wanted.

Suzie had forgotten her experiences playing games.
When she was younger, Suzie had been a good athlete.  She’d learned to be ferocious playing soccer and volleyball.  She’d learned to fight hard in family games.

But she’d forgotten different rules for different games.  As an adult, she thought there was only one, right way to approach people, “If she was kind enough, she’d get kindness back from everyone.”

Eventually, Suzie decided that every situation was a different game with different rules for how to succeed.
That decision freed her to observe the inner language people spoke, their rules for success, and to adjust what she did so they’d treat her decently.

In some situations, she could make the rules and keep rule-breakers away.

In her personal life, she could use her rules to decide whether or not to let anyone close.  If they had the same rules, she could grant them access to her personal space.

In other situations, and with some people, she had to accept the rules of the game and adjust her behavior to fit.  She even had to make some people afraid of her.  In every situation, she was observing the other players and adjusting her rules to get what she wanted.  She changed her rules just like she changed uniforms and costumes to fit the activity.

She was actually surprised when that approach was effective in many situations.
Three of her children slowly started treating her with more respect and appreciation, but the fourth was more resistant.  The fourth kept trying to beat Suzie into submission or to guilt-trip her into becoming a slave.

Of course, there are many complications depending on your situation.  The best way to learn how to take power in your life and to be the person you want to be is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and counseling so you can:

1. Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.
2. Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to create the life your spirit has always hungered for.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert counseling and coaching by phone or Skype.

Toxic adult child splits family

Linda’s daughter, Heather, was finally enjoying herself.  She hated Linda for ruining her life by divorcing the father she loved and by trying to make her behave decently, and now she could control everyone in the family.  Linda would do anything to see Heather’s new baby and Heather was collecting the price of Linda’s “anything.”

Heather demands.
Heather demanded that Linda accept all the blame for everything wrong with her life, pay for everything she wanted and be happy with her role as slave-to-be-whipped.  Then Heather demanded that all her siblings join in punishing their mom and also in being Heather’s slaves.  If they didn’t, Heather wouldn’t let Linda see her new granddaughter.  Heather’s father, Linda’s ex, encouraged her and enjoyed every minute of Linda’s pain.

Linda begs.
Linda’s other children didn’t like their sister, Heather, and hated her treatment of their mother.  They also thoroughly dislike their “loser” father.  But Linda begged them to do whatever Heather wanted so she could see her new granddaughter.  The other children thought Linda had gone crazy.  They also had children, so what was so special to Linda about this one granddaughter?

Linda’s begging threw them into a horrible predicament.  They began to hate Heather and, even more, hated their mother for trying to force them to be Heather’s slaves.

The problem in the family.
Of course the initial problem is Heather.  Whatever her reasons, excuses and justifications, she’s chosen hatred, revenge and retaliation.  She’s chosen the “Dark Side.”  And she’s encouraged and aided by her father.  She even says she finally has what she’s always wanted; control of everyone so she can force them to do everything she wants.

But the real problem that’s splitting the family is Linda’s willingness to go along with Heather’s demands.  Linda has thrown out everything she ever taught the kids.  She no longer has standards.  In her desperation to please Heather, she’s thrown everything else away.  She’s sold her values and her soul.  If she continues down this path, she will force the rest of her children to face Heather’s all-or-none choice.

Some might chose to submit to Heather’s demands while others might choose to leave both their sister and their mother.  And they’ll know their mother chose one child at the expense of all the others and, also, all the other grandchildren.

Linda refused to face the choice Heather tried to force on her: which of the children and grandchildren will she choose?  Linda deluded herself into thinking she could change Heather’s mind about her abusive father and why she had to divorce him.

Linda was freed from her hesitation, guilt, bullying and abuse when she saw the decision as which of her values and standards, not which of her children, were more important to her.
Then she became clear: she stopped pretending to believe her reasons, excuses, justifications and wishful thinking.  She stopped being driven by her guilt and fear.  She chose loving, considerate, polite behavior instead of being a slave.  She choose fun.  And she chose to be a model for her children and grandchildren.

Of course, there are many complications depending on your situation.  The best way to learn how to take power in your life and to be the person you want to be is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and counseling so you can:
1. Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.
2. Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to create the life your spirit has always hungered for.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert counseling and coaching by phone or Skype.

Reconciliation with a prodigal daughter

Marge’s daughter had blown so many opportunities in 15 years that Marge couldn’t remember them all.  The downward spiral had started in earnest when her 17 year-old daughter had begun ignoring every restriction, every bit of loving advice and every attempt Marge made to rescue her.

Marge’s daughter knew best and was always right.
She was critical and sarcastic, negative and resistant, bullying and abusive to Marge.  Even after dropping out of school, selling drugs, becoming addicted to alcohol and God-knows what else, getting arrested and sent to prison, she still wouldn’t listen.  She blamed Marge for every bad thing that’d ever happened to her.  She blamed Marge for all her bad choices and failures.  She whipped Marge mentally and emotionally, and even hit her.

When her daughter became 21, Marge finally protected her personal space.
After a particularly bad verbal attack, followed by shoving and hitting, Marge finally called the police and had her daughter removed.  Marge told her daughter that as long as she was choosing the “Dark Side,” she wasn’t welcome in Marge’s space.

When her daughter raged at her, Marge laughed and said, “I’m over your hurt and pain and anger.  Not my problem.  Get over them with your therapist, not over my body.”
 
Marge made her daughter an offer; a method Marge required for reconciliation.
Marge told her daughter she’d be glad to reconcile with a wonderful daughter who was kind, civil, polite and interested in a great adult relationship.  From now on, her daughter had to please Marge; Marge’s standards would rule her life.  Her daughter could make a long sequence of small steps, beginning any time, to prove herself to Marge.  In the meantime, Marge would be having a wonderful life; full of friends and experiences her daughter would not be part of.

But Marge was not interested in a relationship with a person who’d chosen the “Dark Side,” no matter the name of the relationship.
Marge was clear; all the blaming and complaining, the scapegoating and whippings didn’t matter to her anymore.  She wasn’t interested in her daughter’s dark feelings, reasons and excuses; she wasn’t interested in being vomited on.  Her daughter had chosen her own path.

Marge knew she couldn’t teach her daughter anything anymore.
She could only set conditions and standards for allowing people to get close to her.

Public amends were only the first of many steps her daughter had to take.
Since her daughter had told lies and acted publically, Marge said she’d have to take things back publically.  Then they might meet once in a while at a neutral place for a year or two.  If her daughter threw a hissy-fit, Marge would withdraw again and the clock would have to start from zero.  If her daughter was wonderful for that length of time, Marge might consider next steps.

Marge would never again give her daughter money.
Since her daughter was an adult, she was on her own.  If she couldn’t make it on her own, Marge would be bereft.  And, of course she was scared and still felt a little guilty.  What if her daughter couldn’t make it or if bad people did bad things to her or if she committed suicide?  But Marge wouldn’t bail her out any more.  Her daughter had dug her own pit and she’d have to struggle to get out on her own.

After 15 years, a miracle happened.
Marge’s daughter got it; she turned herself around.  She made the steps Marge had laid out.  She never exploded in a rage, blaming Marge for all her troubles.  After two years Marge was willing to invite her daughter to her home for dinner; the home of her daughter’s childhood.  Marge made sure her daughter no longer had a room or a childhood “shrine” there.

Of course, there are many complications depending on your situation.  The best way to learn how to take power in your life and to be the person you want to be is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and counseling so you can:

1. 1. Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.
2. 2. Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to create the life your spirit has always hungered for.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert counseling and coaching by phone or Skype.

Does retaliation make me a bad person?

Jessica described her family life as being born into a pack of wolves.  It was a den of hatred, anger, insecurity, bullying and abuse.

There was a streak of nasty, vicious craziness in the family.  Her mother had been in and out of facilities for treatment as bi-polar and narcissistic.  Her siblings and extended family attacked each other frequently and then retaliated as strongly as they could.  

In her school and neighborhood, many kids and adults did the same.  When Jessica was nice, things got worse.  They thought she was weak and attacked her more.  But she was smart and eventually would devise extremely clever ways to strike back.

As she got older, the guys she stayed with used the same methods – mental and emotional cruelty leading to physical violence.  Her women friends and acquaintances were the same.

So, after deepening relationships with people who eventually turned on her, leading her to retaliate strongly, Jessica got to be very “spiky” in interactions in every area of life.  She was just daring someone to try something, or looking forward to them trying anything so she could get the back.

As Jessica searched for better ways of relating to people, she kept asking, “Does retaliation make me a bad person?”
Jessica thought so, which further increased her self-doubt and guilt, and lowered her self-esteem.  She thought she must be a really bad person; she must have some version of the same darkness that infected her mother and so many others in her family.

Jessica’s retaliation was the only technique she could think of to protect herself.
Throughout her history, Jessica was clear; she didn’t start things, she kept asking her attackers to be nice and she endured the torment and pain as long as she could.  Then something inside her snapped; they’d been asked long enough and now she’d make them pay the price.

Jessica eventually asked a better question, “How can I have a bully-free life and attract people who make relationships that feel good?”
Instead of more psychoanalysis and self-examination, this question made Jessica focus on the people around her.

Jessica moved through a five-step sequence that turned her life around:

1. Since she knew she’d be able to protect herself by retaliating if she ever got into a painful relationship, she could relax and stop being spiky.
2. Instead of self-examination to judge whether she was nice enough, she’d examine everyone she met.  She’d test to see if they acted nicely and kindly in their relationships or if they were bullying, control freaks.
3. Instead of enduring punishment until she snapped; instead of overlooking the evidence of their behavior and making excuses for them, she’d act immediately.  She’d challenge their behavior and if they didn’t change, she’d dump them.
4. Instead of ignoring her Early Warning Feelings and Intuition, like she had all her life, she’d act immediately on them even if she couldn’t prove anything in a court of law or to the perpetrator’s satisfaction.
5. She’d raise her standards, “Beating her only once a year wasn’t good enough behavior to allow them to continue.”

As she put her new method into operation, she faced fear and loneliness because she was having to remove so many people from her personal space and life.

Jessica found that the more space she created in her life by removing the predators, the more attractive she became to people who treated her with kindness, civility and respect.  And since she was immediately removing the predators, she no longer had to retaliate after months or years of torment.

Of course, there are many complications depending on your situation.  The best way to learn how to take power in your life and to be the person you want to be is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and counseling so you can:

1. Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.
2. Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to create the life your spirit has always hungered for.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert counseling and coaching by phone or Skype.

Will I be alone?

In her fifties, Alice was torn.  She hated how her boyfriend treated her – he was negative, critical, sarcastic, demeaning, controlling, bullying and abusive.  But she was afraid that if she followed her heart and dumped him, she’d be alone forever; her worst fear.

Alice vacillated between being submissive (with good reasons and excuses why she should) and exploding with hatred and rage.  Her boyfriend yelled back at her and smiled smugly.  He knew she’d feel guilty and come back, begging his forgiveness.

Since he wouldn’t change, Alice had an all-or-none choice.
Alice harbored no illusions about him.  He’d also been that way to his previous three wives.  He wasn’t going to change for her.  Her spirit called her to get rid of him but her fear demanded she cling on frantically.  The inner war undermined her confidence and self-esteem.

As Alice’s physical, mental and emotional health declined, she knew she had to choose.
Her choice was a little easier since she wasn’t financially dependent on him.  In fact, he used her money whenever he could.

Finally she saw the choice from a different point of view; Alice realized she was already alone and lonely.
Would she rather be alone with him filling her physical, mental and emotional space or would she rather be alone because there was no one wonderful in her space?  In a burst of courage and determination, Alice chose the latter.  That way she’d be free to deal with her past and her residual fears, and also free to fill her space with someone better.

After all, what wonderful person would want to come into her space when it was already filled with a bullying, control-freak?

The same ideas apply even if the bully is a spouse/partner or abusive, scapegoating parents or adult children, or extended family.
Different circumstances present different degrees of difficulty but always the same question.  When your direction is clear and you’re determined, a whole new range of possible actions will open up you.

Will Alice be alone?
No one knows the future but there is a guarantee down one of her possible paths.  If she strays with him she will be alone.  If she faces her fear and clears her space then she has a chance of a wonderful life.  Clear and simple.  Just not easy.

Of course, there are many complications depending on your situation.  The best way to learn how to take power in your life and to be the person you want to be is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and counseling so you can:

1. Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.
2. Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to create the life your spirit has always hungered for.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert counseling and coaching by phone or Skype.

Stop self-bullying, self-sabotaging thoughts

The hardest type of bullying to stop is our self-bullying.  You know, the self-sabotaging thought patterns that we replay in almost continuous loops; the ones that keep us stuck and helpless, that make us stay in situations where predators and vultures can pick our bodies, minds and spirits apart.

We each have our own favorite methods to drive us down into death-spirals.
Some are statements, others are questions.  Some common ones are:

• What did I do wrong?  I’m wrong, bad.  If I’m not perfect, it’s 100% my fault and I have all the responsibility to make it right (make them happy).
• I’m not good (nice, smart) enough.  I’m cold, heartless.  I should have more compassion, they’re trying as hard as they can.
• It’s my fault.  If the relationship fails, I’m a failure.  I need blame, shame and guilt to make me a good person.
• What will they think of me?  Other people know my faults better than I do.
• Don’t hurt other people’s feelings.  If I do what I want no one will love me, I’ll end up alone.
• I’m not worthy, I don’t deserve.  I shouldn’t push myself forward.  If I demand what I need, I’m being a bully.  If I give them enough, they’ll love me in a way that feels good.
• Look at all my mistakes and failures.  How can I be sure I’m doing the right thing?
• Love and honor your parents means I do what they want, I take care of their needs.

A common thread in all self-bullying thought patterns is that we judge ourselves through very negative, critical, hostile eyes.
We’ve been taught to think that way by people who wanted us to do what they wanted, not what we wanted.  Of course, bullies have their own agendas.  They wanted us as servants, scapegoats, whipping boys/girls; as slaves to their agenda at the moment.

A common consequence of all these thought patterns is that we are riddled with self-doubt and our self-esteem plummets.
We become ineffectual.  We can’t make whole-hearted decisions and follow them through.  Those people’s voices become our own inner voices.   We go through cycles of exploding and then apologizing because of our shame and guilt.  They control us, even from a thousand miles away or from the grave.  We don’t break away and follow our own Heart’s Desire.

But we can get free, we can make new belief, rules and roles for ourselves; we can live our lives from the inside out.

Of course, there are many complications depending on your situation.  The best way to learn how to take power in your life and to be the person you want to be is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and counseling so you can:

1. Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.
2. Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to create the life your spirit has always hungered for.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert counseling and coaching by phone or Skype.

Real narcissists don't have real conversations

Laura was full of questions: Had her husband had a physical affair with his young, beautiful, personal trainer or was it just an emotional affair?  Obviously, he went crazy at 60, like a 13 year-old swept away with first love.  Everyone saw his infatuation and had commented on it.

But he wouldn’t talk about it; he denied everything, accused her of not trusting him, of being paranoid, of making a big deal out of nothing.  Then her threw a temper tantrum, stormed off to his room and loudly slammed the door.  He froze her out for the next week until she approached him to make up for having caused him a problem.

Real narcissists don’t have real conversations.
Everything Laura said about her husband told us he was a narcissist who wasn’t going to admit anything at all.  He was perfect, he knew what was right and best, and she should stop making trouble in their marriage.

The more he avoided a real conversation, the more she was driven to confront him, the more she wanted to know everything that happened, the more he withdrew from her or attacked her until she gave in.

He was clear: he might say, in a general way, he was sorry she was upset, but he wasn’t going to have an honest conversation from which they might build more honesty and a better relationship.  He was going to continue criticizing, bullying and abusing her until she gave in.  The “loud, silent treatment” was simply one tactic.

Narcissists’ conversations are in service to their agenda, which isn’t about truth.
His agenda was to do whatever he wanted and to get her to butt out.  He’d do anything to get her to give in, except expose the truth.  He thought that would require him to give up power and control.  He wouldn’t be in charge any more.

Narcissists say, “A conversation won’t do any good.”
But what he meant was, “It won’t do any good to further my agenda in the style I want.”  Which meant, “I’m not going to deal with it your way (honesty and openness), I’ll only deal with it my way.  So shut up.”

They’d rather beat you into submission or charm you into letting it go.
That fits their agenda and the style they’ve chosen to get where they want to be – in charge, in control.  They’ll persevere until you kiss their feet or ring.

He blamed all the problems on Laura, which fed into her guilt and self-bullying.  He was clear: Whenever she stood up to him, she was not being perfect so she had 100% of the responsibility for causing him to act the way he did.

If they’re real for a moment they’ll attack more in the next moment.
Sometimes, narcissists will relax and let down their guard for a moment.  Beware.  That’s very scary to them so they pick up their sword and shield, and whack you harder, just to show you who’s boss.

What did Laura do?
We’ll go into that another time.  There’s no one-rule-of-what’s-right; all tactics depend on the situation.  The important thing is what you’ll decide to do with the narcissists in your life.

Of course, there are many complications depending on your situation.  The best way to learn how to take power in your life and to be the person you want to be is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and counseling so you can:

1. Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.
2. Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to create the life your spirit has always hungered for.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert counseling and coaching by phone or Skype.

Don't remain the scapegoat or slave

Joan grew up as the scapegoat in her large, extended family.  They seemed to take delight in blaming everything on her and making her feel bad.  They told her what should do/should have done, brought up every failure, belittled every success, called her demeaning names, criticized everything she wanted, told her she wasn’t good enough.  Her life with them was continued negativity, bullying and abuse.  They never respected any of her boundaries.

She assumed she must be guilty.  Why else would loving family do that?

Even though she had a wonderful marriage and three wonderful children, they still attacked her.

One day, in the middle of a wave of hurt and anger, when they’d belittled her children and belittled her to her children, she had a moment of clarity.  She saw them for what they were; alcoholic, dysfunctional, losers.  They couldn’t hold jobs, their marriages were horrible, they couldn’t be nice, they failed at everything they tried and they lashed out at the world and especially at her.  They were like a pack of hyenas.  She’d never done anything wrong, but they still ripped her to shreds.  When she protested, they ripped at her even more.

Then she felt terribly guilty for judging them.  But the image stayed with her and got more intense with time.  She’d rather die than be with any of them

She wondered, “Why do they do it?”
She hadn’t done anything to any of them that should provoke any hate or anger.  It seemed they just wanted her as a slave who could beaten but would come back for beatings whenever they wanted.

After many hours of psychoanalysis and therapy, with many professional experts, she knew a lot about their childhoods, hurts and failures but she wasn’t satisfied that these had caused them to be so hostile and vicious.

She finally decided she was asking a dumb question, “Why are hyenas, hyenas?”
Her understanding wouldn’t help her change them.

She noticed that she was the only one in the family who responded to nastiness, back-stabbing, manipulation and name-calling with attempts to be nice, kind, logical and rational.  Of course that didn’t stop them.  That wasn’t the language they spoke.  Her problem was in not making them suffer when they whipped her, in not using a language they understood.

She realized she’d never be able to prove herself to them.
Every time she pried to defend herself, to ferret out the truth, to tell the truth, Joan lost.  Their attacks only increased.  They changed the subject.  They weren’t interested in truth.  They were swept up in the thrill of the kill.

“Rising above” never changed them.
Joan was taught that a good, spiritual person should rise above attacks.  She should turn the other cheek; she should forgive.  But whenever she did that, they laughed with joy and attacked her more.  She didn’t want to continue being a martyr.

Joan embraced the straightforward solution, “You’re a swan; don’t stay with ugly ducks.  Go find your true family.”
Joan thought, “I’ve been raised by hyenas, but I don’t have stay with them.  I don’t have to keep coming back so they can take another bite of me or peel my skin off some more.”

Something in her snapped.  She was done with them.  She had to protect her husband and her children from those creatures.  She had to find her true family, far away from the hyenas.

Of course, there are many complications depending on your situation.  The best way to learn how to take power in your life and to be the person you want to be is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and counseling so you can:

1. Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.
2. Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to create the life your spirit has always hungered for.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert counseling and coaching by phone or Skype.

Narcissists test your love; it's never enough

Jane finally realized her daughter, Debbie, was a 36 year-old narcissist.

They’d be talking and suddenly Debbie would go off; cursing, yelling, threating, bullying, abusing and throwing up every hurt feeling every time Jane failed to please her.  Everything wrong with Debbie’s life was Jane’s fault.  

Jane finally saw the pattern; Debbie was constantly testing her to see if Jane loved her more than anyone else.
Any time Jane praised someone or thought someone was smart or helpful or kind, Debbie would explode.  Any time Jane wouldn’t cancel an appointment or change her plans to do what Debbie wanted on the slightest whim, Debbie would go off.  Any time Jane wouldn’t pay for anything Debbie wanted, Debbie would go off.

Nothing Jane did could ever show Debbie her mother loved her enough.
Debbie’s emotional bucket had no bottom; Jane would never be able to fill it.  Only Debbie could built a bottom for her bucket.

Jane realized her daughter wanted her to be her slave.
Debbie wanted Jane to do what she wanted, to endure the tongue lashings and to come back for more.  Debbie wanted Jane to devote all her time and energy to pleasing her; no one else.  Debbie wanted her mother to feel guilty and to take the blame for having failed her.

Debbie has some choices:

1. Take the beatings and keep coming back to explain, reason, debate and prove her love in hopes of educating or satisfying her daughter.
2. Set behavioral boundaries; Debbie gets access to Jane only when she behaves herself.  At the moment Debbie begins to go off, Jane will hang up or cut her off.
3. The same behavioral-based approach as number two plus being clear Jane is lengthening the time between contacts each time Debbie blows.  And no money until Debbie behaves like a polite, civilized, loving daughter for at least one year.

Notice, in the last two choices, Jane is no longer trying to please Debbie.  Jane is testing Debbie; not for love, but for polite, civilized behavior.  She’ll no longer let Debbie dump her toxic emotional waste in Jane’s space.

Debbie will hate the last two choices because Jane is taking charge of the interactions.  Slaves are punished for doing that.  It proves Jane doesn’t love her.  Debbie will attack and try to beat Jane into submission, like she’s always done.

Jane is really thankful Debbie hasn’t had children yet because Debbie would blackmail her by withholding visits with her grandchildren.  Jane used to worry every time family members took Debbie’s side and begged Jane to be nice or to be the more spiritual and loving person, and overlook Debbie’s rants.

There are many other types of narcissistic behavior, but see if this pattern fits which people in your life.

Of course, there are many complications depending on your situation.  The best way to learn how to take power in your life and to be the person you want to be is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and counseling so you can:

1. Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.
2. Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to create the life your spirit has always hungered for.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert counseling and coaching by phone or Skype.

Narcissists care about their feelings, not ours

We want the people we care about to care about us, to take our feelings seriously and to pay attention to us.  In good relationships that’s mutual.  However, narcissists only care about their feelings, wants, desires, hopes, hurts and pains.  Their concerns matter; no one else’s do unless it impacts them. Other people’s feelings aren’t important.

Narcissists’ needs and feelings drive their lives.
They’re blown by the winds of their feelings; especially those that stroke their egos and self-images.  If they feel something, everyone must revolve around that feeling.  We’re all servants and slaves to their feelings.

If you live or lived with one, if you work or worked with one, you know the feeling you get.  It’s as if the narcissist is using all the air in the room.  We don’t get any air to breathe unless they dole out a little as a reward for our subservient behavior.

They batter (physically, verbally and emotionally), bully and abuse everyone in the line of their fire.  Or they’re sneaky, manipulative and backstabbing – using our desire to be nice or our self-analysis, self-doubt and guilt.  Mostly, they want us to engage with them – if they can’t beat or charm us into submission, they’ll settle for our paying complete attention to them; they’ll settle for endless arguing and debating as long as we’re focused on them.

Get narcissists out of your space.
Of course, if that narcissist is merely a distant friend or first date, it’s easy.  But we still can do it after years of intimacy or if the narcissist is a toxic parent or toxic adult child.  The goal is clear; the “how-to” may take more planning and effort.

Of course, there are many complications depending on your situation.  The best way to learn how to take power in your life and to be the person you want to be is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and counseling so you can:

1. Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.
2. Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to create the life your spirit has always hungered for.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert counseling and coaching by phone or Skype.

Bullies attack, take the offensive

Bullies attack, take the offensive.  They want you defensive.  The more you defend yourself, the more you argue, debate or try to prove you’re not bad, the more they win.

Whatever the situation – intimate relationships or spouse, toxic parent, toxic adult child, extended family or friends, school or work – one way bullies show who they are is by always attacking us.  Faced with their negativity, criticism, anger or abuse, most of us defend ourselves.  Sometimes they claim we hurt their feelings.  As soon as we say we didn’t mean to, we’ve lost.

Bullies want us to do self-examination.  Are our motives pure enough?  Have we been perfect enough (according to them)?  They want to stimulate our self-questioning and self-doubt.  They want to stimulate our guilt.  When our self-esteem and self-confidence is diminished, their bullying succeeds.  As soon as we follow the path they want us on, they win.

Take the offensive.
If you try to rise above or to understand, explain or minimize their behavior, or try love them so much they’ll finally change, they’ll take that as weakness and, like scavengers to a corpse, they’ll attack more and bolder.

Don’t answer their charges.  Call them out.  Point out their bullying patterns.  Or laugh at their charges or embarrass them.  Say, “That’s a good one,” and, with a smile, keep doing what you want and ignore their attack.  Or come back at them with a smile.  Make them pay a price for continued attacks.

Of course, there are many complications depending on your situation.  The best way to learn how to take power in your life and to be the person you want to be is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and counseling so you can:

1. Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.
2. Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to create the life your spirit has always hungered for.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert counseling and coaching by phone or Skype.

Stop walking on eggshells

Here’s an easy test to see if you’re with a bully – at home, in relationships, at work and at school.
Do you walk around on eggshells?  Are you afraid of the next explosion or angry, negative, critical, personal attack?  Do you receive the loud silent-treatment?  Do you fear retaliation and sneaky punishment?  Are you wary of the next accidental destruction or your property, pets or person?  Have you given up arguing and defending yourself because they’re a better debater or they wear you down?

You don’t need more psychoanalysis of the person you’re with.
That person is bullying and abusive.  That person lets their feelings drive their life.  They always blame you for their bad feelings.  And they always have good reasons, excuses and justifications for their abuse.   Don’t cling to a few good memories or promises.  See all the painful episodes every time you look at them.

Trust your Gut!

Say, “Enough!  I’m done with that.”
I won’t let them torture my heart any more.  You have to set goals and be more determined, resilient and relentless.  You don’t have to win the argument, you just have to get that behavior out of your environment.  Don’t let them pollute your sacred space.

Of course, there are many complications depending on your situation.  The best way to learn how to take power in your life and to be the person you want to be is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and counseling so you can:

1. Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.
2. Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to create the life your spirit has always hungered for.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert counseling and coaching by phone or Skype.

Stop enabling, rescuing, meddling

June got it with a start that almost knocked her over.  Once again she’d been trying to rescue her 35 year-old son and, as always, he’d pushed her away and slapped her with his angry words.  She could lead him to water but he wouldn’t drink.  Actually, he refused to let her lead him.

She got it: she was trying to enable him once more, she was meddling in his life again so he didn’t fail.  And he didn’t want her.  

But how could she love him if she didn’t try to save him?
How could she a good mom, a good person, if she didn’t try to rescue him, if she didn’t try to protect him from pain or if she didn’t try to explain what he needed to hear?

Enabling, rescuing, meddling aren’t the meaning of “love” to a 35 year-old son with his own job and his own family.  That definition of love had led June to the fix she was in.  She needed a better definition of love.

June got it.  She was meddling where she wasn’t wanted and he hated her for it.
Part of the reason he hated her was that she was right.  But he didn’t want to hear that.  In response to her meddling, he’d yelled at her, criticized her, cursed her and blamed all his troubles on her.  So he’d left and taken his kids, saying she’d never see them again.

For days afterward he sent bullying, blaming and abusive texts.  His messy life was all her fault.  She was to blame and she had to admit her guilt.

Despite the pain and anguish, June decided to try a new approach:

• She wouldn’t act like his mommy anymore.  She wouldn’t give him money.  She wouldn’t be available every moment when he wanted to use her as a baby sitter.  She wouldn’t give him advice.
• He was already out of the nest physically, so she’d kick him out of the nest emotionally; his problems were his problems.  He claimed to be an adult, so let him solve his own problems.
• She’d try to set boundaries so she could have the same kind of adult relationship she had with her closest friends.  They had to be polite and civil, they shared mutual interests, and when there was a problem, they talked it out nicely.

June’s son required a long time before he believed the shift in June and even longer to accept it.  He needed her as a scapegoat for his failures and he really needed her to bail him out of his bad decisions and failures.  He hated that she wouldn’t give him endless amounts of money or make endless excuses for his behavior or be his whipped slave.  

June was testing to see if the only reasons he wanted contact with her were to get her money and to vent on her body.  I think it was his need of her baby sitting that finally brought him back.  Whatever the reason, that was the start of building a bridge between two adults.

Of course, there are many complications depending on your situation.  The best way to learn how to take power in your life and to be the person you want to be is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and counseling so you can:

1. Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.
2. Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to create the life your spirit has always hungered for.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert counseling and coaching by phone or Skype.

Public bullying requires public apologies, amends

Jane’s adult daughter had serious problems because of her public outbursts and poor decisions.

Even though Jane had been a good mother and had tried to do everything she could to please her daughter, her daughter vented all her frustration and negativity on Jane.  Conversations that started civilly would turn in an instant into vicious tirades of negativity, criticism, rage and bullying.  Everything was Jane’s fault; she was guilty and should accept all the blame and abuse.  Jane walked on egg shells.

Her daughter would call, text and Facebook everyone in the extended family about how rotten Jane was and had always been.  She hoped some of the family would support her and make Jane grovel to her.

After a few days, her daughter would call Jane and talk as if nothing had happened or she’d say, “Sorry,” and immediately change the subject.  Jane would accept the apology and try to build a bridge to her daughter.

After years of this pattern, Jane realized that private apologies and excuses led only to more public bullying.
Jane finally decided to try a new experiment.  Instead of accepting her daughter’s private and half-hearted “Sorry,” Jane said that wasn’t good enough.  She wanted a change in her daughter’s behavior and as a sign of her daughter’s sincerity she wanted her daughter to apologize in public to the rest of the family.  And that included saying it on Facebook.  That was the beginning of making amends.

Her daughter told her where to put that and hung up.  And texted and posted her anger and hatred.

Jane told everyone in the family what had happened and what she wanted.  No more half-hearted, weak “Sorry’s” and no more reversion to the same behavior.

And then Jane waited.
Eventually her daughter needed something from Jane, eventually the rest of the family ignored or pressured her daughter, eventually Jane started having a wonderful time in life instead of obsessing and worrying about her daughter.  Eventually her daughter was willing to behave decently in order to have contact with Jane.

Some people will never apologize, they’re too proud.  But you can see if their behavior changes.  And you get to decide the price you can live with.

This approach isn’t always effective.  Sometimes, adult children are too far gone into their own pain and hate.  But I’ve never seen one-way, bridge building be effective.

The same experience fits many other situations, whether the public bullying is overt or sneaky:

• Intimate relationships, partners and spouses who are sarcastic, critical and demeaning.
• Siblings who enjoy one-upping you.
• Friends who stab you in the back or put you down.
• Toxic parents who get the whole, extended family involved in their manipulation and lies.
• At work.

Of course, there are many complications depending on your situation.  The best way to learn how to take power in your life and to be the person you want to be is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and counseling so you can:

1. Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.
2. Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to create the life your spirit has always hungered for.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert counseling and coaching by phone or Skype.