Suzie was desperate.  She knew she wasn’t succeeding in some areas of her life but she didn’t know why.  She’d tried everything she could think of, but nothing changed those situations.

Her relationship with her husband was wonderful; they had the same rules for how to treat people.  They were always caring, kind, considerate and polite.  When they disagreed, they could talk things through and come to an agreement, or they could deal with differences in ways that showed respect and appreciation.

But with her adult children, with some neighbors and at work, no matter how nice Suzie was, she was faced with outright criticism, bossiness, blaming, bullying and abuse.

Suzie had never been taught she needed different rules for different situations.
She thought the only right way to act was to give people what they wanted, to bend over backward to be accommodating and never to insist on anything for herself.

She hadn’t noticed many other people had different agendas and goals than she did, and they also had different rules about how to treat other people, even their parents.  They seemed to interpret her kindness as weakness.  They acted as if her wishes didn’t count and they could connive or take whatever they wanted. They showed her no respect or appreciation.  They manipulate her or simply demanded what they wanted.

Suzie had forgotten her experiences playing games.
When she was younger, Suzie had been a good athlete.  She’d learned to be ferocious playing soccer and volleyball.  She’d learned to fight hard in family games.

But she’d forgotten different rules for different games.  As an adult, she thought there was only one, right way to approach people, “If she was kind enough, she’d get kindness back from everyone.”

Eventually, Suzie decided that every situation was a different game with different rules for how to succeed.
That decision freed her to observe the inner language people spoke, their rules for success, and to adjust what she did so they’d treat her decently.

In some situations, she could make the rules and keep rule-breakers away.

In her personal life, she could use her rules to decide whether or not to let anyone close.  If they had the same rules, she could grant them access to her personal space.

In other situations, and with some people, she had to accept the rules of the game and adjust her behavior to fit.  She even had to make some people afraid of her.  In every situation, she was observing the other players and adjusting her rules to get what she wanted.  She changed her rules just like she changed uniforms and costumes to fit the activity.

She was actually surprised when that approach was effective in many situations.
Three of her children slowly started treating her with more respect and appreciation, but the fourth was more resistant.  The fourth kept trying to beat Suzie into submission or to guilt-trip her into becoming a slave.

Of course, there are many complications depending on your situation.  The best way to learn how to take power in your life and to be the person you want to be is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and counseling so you can:

  1. Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.
  2. Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to create the life your spirit has always hungered for.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert counseling and coaching by phone or Skype.

AuthorBen Leichtling