The hardest type of bullying to stop is our self-bullying. You know, the self-sabotaging thought patterns that we replay in almost continuous loops; the ones that keep us stuck and helpless, that make us stay in situations where predators and vultures can pick our bodies, minds and spirits apart.
We each have our own favorite methods to drive us down into death-spirals.
Some are statements, others are questions. Some common ones are:
- What did I do wrong? I’m wrong, bad. If I’m not perfect, it’s 100% my fault and I have all the responsibility to make it right (make them happy).
- I’m not good (nice, smart) enough. I’m cold, heartless. I should have more compassion, they’re trying as hard as they can.
- It’s my fault. If the relationship fails, I’m a failure. I need blame, shame and guilt to make me a good person.
- What will they think of me? Other people know my faults better than I do.
- Don’t hurt other people’s feelings. If I do what I want no one will love me, I’ll end up alone.
- I’m not worthy, I don’t deserve. I shouldn’t push myself forward. If I demand what I need, I’m being a bully. If I give them enough, they’ll love me in a way that feels good.
- Look at all my mistakes and failures. How can I be sure I’m doing the right thing?
- Love and honor your parents means I do what they want, I take care of their needs.
A common thread in all self-bullying thought patterns is that we judge ourselves through very negative, critical, hostile eyes.
We’ve been taught to think that way by people who wanted us to do what they wanted, not what we wanted. Of course, bullies have their own agendas. They wanted us as servants, scapegoats, whipping boys/girls; as slaves to their agenda at the moment.
A common consequence of all these thought patterns is that we are riddled with self-doubt and our self-esteem plummets.
We become ineffectual. We can’t make whole-hearted decisions and follow them through. Those people’s voices become our own inner voices. We go through cycles of exploding and then apologizing because of our shame and guilt. They control us, even from a thousand miles away or from the grave. We don’t break away and follow our own Heart’s Desire.
But we can get free, we can make new belief, rules and roles for ourselves; we can live our lives from the inside out.
Of course, there are many complications depending on your situation. The best way to learn how to take power in your life and to be the person you want to be is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and counseling so you can:
- Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.
- Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to create the life your spirit has always hungered for.
Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert counseling and coaching by phone or Skype.